"Divinity of hell! When devils will the blackest sins put on. They do suggest at first with heavenly shows." -Iago
William Shakespeare's Othello
"AMERICA'S CHOICE"
Carlito: In his video package, Carlito gave us some mighty tears
while talking about his troubled childhood. Yes, go after those sympathy
votes now that Rion is gone. He sang Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend." Yeah,
this made me sick. He thinks he's a sex symbol, but the only part of
sex he represents is jerking off.
#WishesHeHadABoyfriend
Restless Road: These 3 are lucky they were put together. Because
none of them could carry a song on their own. And all 3 are generic
sounding. Generic Country Singing Cubed. It's making a sandwich with two
peices of bread, and sticking another piece of bread in the middle. And
that's it.
#AllOverTheRoad
Alex & Sierra: They sang Of Monsters And Men's "Little Talks."
And by gum, this didn't suck like all of the other covers of this song I
have heard. These 2 are lucky they found each other, because unlike
Talentless Road, these 2 gel well together. I wish they would sing
"Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
#PeanutButterAndJelly
Jeff: It has become law that all singing competition shows have at
least one performance of "Hallelujah." It was Jeff's honor (again) this
season. And even though this song makes me roll my eyes like no other,
Jeff manages to knock it out of the park. This guy is the winner folks,
and if he doesn't win, then this show deserves to die.
#HareKrishna
I am now joined by my friend Gweg.
DUETS
Alex & Sierra VS Carlito
Gweg: I don't think this versus round is fair. These guys have totally different styles.
Satyr: It's a competition Gweg. I think this is a good way for us to
hear how bad Carlito and Witless Road do against the only good people
this show had this year.
Gweg: I think Carlito did splendid. He held his own.
Satyr: Held his own genitals. He was bringing Alex and Sierra down.
Alex was trying to make Carlito look good, but Sierra was like , "F this
G" and her vocals straight up raped whatever sound that was coming out
of Carl's mouth.
Gweg: See, it isn't fair.
Restless Road VS Jeff
Satyr: I have to say, this wasn't the disaster I thought it would be.
Gweg: Restless Road did very well harmonizing their parts.
Satyr: Who cares? They sounded like backup singers. This song
belonged to Jeff. Jeff was like the oldest brother bringing a girl over
while his 3 younger brothers tried to get a peek.
Gweg: That's just wrong.
MORE SONGS
Carlito
Satyr: Hashtag: Put Me Out Of My Misery.
Gweg: This was a good song choice for him.
Satyr: Just because he sings a song that was previously done by
Latino singer doesn't mean it was a good song choice for him. And all of
that background nonsense. The dancers hiding in the speakers at the
end, only to see them climb out 30 seconds later. Beyond retarded. But,
when your mentor is mentally challenged...
Gweg: She's not mentally challenged, English is just her second language.
Satyr: That's basically what I said.
Restless Road
Gweg: I must say, they improved greatly this week.
Satyr: That's like saying "Good news, our SUVs keep flipping over on tight turns, but they no longer burst into flames!"
Gweg: Why do you always have to put a negative spin on things?
Satyr: I learned it by watching Restless Road covering songs.
Alex & Sierra
Gweg: This was beautiful
Satyr: Yeah, it was. They've had a few bumps, but I think they've finally found their footing.
Gweg: I would buy their album.
Satyr: We should sing Duets together.
Gweg: we would never find our footing, because you'd keep stepping on my toes.
Satyr: Ouch.
Jeff
Satyr: That set. That background. That song. Amazing performance. If
it wasn't for my rule of not dating people with kids, I think I'd go
gay for Jeff.
Gweg: How many guys is that now?
Satyr: You shut your whore mouth. Speaking of which, so glad Rion isn't on this show anymore.
Gweg: That was uncalled for! She's only 13! I can't believe you.
Satyr: You're right. I'm sorry. She isn't one. Whores can give decent hand jobs.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Review for X-Factor 12/4/13
"If you're going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill
DIVAS SONGS
Restless Road: Sang some Taylor Swift song. I can't tell you what song it was though, since I can't understand singers when they mumble through the song. Especially when there are three of them doing it at the same time.
#KnewYouWereTerribleWhenYouWalkedIn
Rion: Miss "Not So Subtle Save Me Song" sang some Carrie Underwood song. Rion did a very good job...of looking like Carrie Underwood. However, the singing, not so much. The song contained the lyrics "Gone gone gone." Which is what Rion will hopefully be come Elimination Night.
#CantCarrieAnything
Jeff: He was given a "Mariah Carey" song to sing. Lucky for Jeff, it was actually Badfinger's "Without You." Once again, he proves that he is the best. he is driving a car while the rest of the singers are still crawling on the ground.
#AirSupplyDidTheBestCover
Ellona: Sang "Applause" by Lady GaGa. I must say, this performance really showed us that Ellona has a good future ahead of her...as a stripper. You know the second best thing about stippers? They don't sing.
#LiveForTheTips
Alex & Sierra: They get some of the strangest song choices. This week was "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child. This was a decent performance, but one can't help but notice that Sierra is on;y in this because she loves Alex so much. (Gag) But the thing is, he needs her, I don't think he'd be that good as a solo artist. Maybe he should trade up.
#LoveWontKeepusTogether
Carlito: This was an absolute mess. His worst performance yet. And that is pretty bad.
#MunudoMierda
UNPLUGGED
This part of the review, I will be joined by my long time friend Gweg.
Restless Road:
Gweg: I have to hand it to them, they sounded a lot better unplugged. They didn't try to be gimmicky as they have been in past performances.
Satyr: I don't care if crap is plugged in or not, it's still crap.
Gweg: You don't think they sounded better?
Satyr: They may have sounded better, but just because I've cleaned out the pool of all the crap but left the piss in there, it still doesn't mean I want to go for a swim.
Gweg: It was there best performance.
Satyr: That's like a retard getting an A on a test.
Gweg: You're an a--hole.
Rion:
Gweg: I have to admire her. She has so much courage to get up there and sing her heart out. If I had that kind of condition, I don't think I could do it.
Satyr: Trust me, you've got plenty of handicaps. What did you think about this performance?
Gweg: She poured her heart out during this performance. She is definitely at her best when she is sitting down.
Satyr: Yeah, she doesn't have to do that stupid leg stomping.
Gweg: She is just trying to compensate for the lack of hand movements.
Satyr: I got a hand movement for her, and it just involves me making a fist, holding it up, and extending my middle finger. Poured her heart out? More like milked her handicap for all that it's worth. All fo those people crying. Gag me with a spoon.
Gweg: How in the hell did you get to be so cynical?
Satyr: By watching too many of these singing competition shows.
Jeff:
Satyr: Well, I like this guy, but I think it's a little too convenient that he got to sing "Daniel" to his brother Daniel.
Gweg: Coincidences happen. And I think it was very nice. Very touching.
Satyr: Well, he was toned down, but it was still a good performance.
Gweg: I agree.
Satyr: That's a first.
Ellona:
Satyr: Come on Gweg, say something nice about this one.
Gweg: She got better at the end there.
Satyr: Yeah, right at the end, when the song was over.
Gweg: She wasn't that bad. She's got some work cut out for her, she just needs better guidance.
Satyr: The only guidance she'll need is how to climb up a pole and bend around it.
Gweg: She's not going to be a stripper. She has got a good camera presence. She could be on Glee.
Satyr: More like the porn parody of Glee. Glee All Over Your Face.
Gweg: I hate you.
Alex & Sierra
Gweg: They sounded great. I love this song. And she did a fine job playing the piano, despite the obvious nerves she had.
Satyr: The way she was shaking there, I thought Michael J Fox might have been her piano instructor.
Gweg: That's not funny. She was very nervous. But, she had her rock. Alex was there to keep her sated.
Satyr: Makes you jealous, doesn't it. You wish you had a girl that depended on you.
Gweg: Maybe I would have a girl, if you'd stop getting them killed.
Satyr: That's irrelevant. But yes, they did sound good.
Carlito:
Gweg: This was a wreck.
Satyr: Yeah, even Paul Walker would be amazed by how much of a wreck this was.
Gweg: If he manages to move on to the next round, I'll but us dinner tomorrow night.
Satyr: Nothing Mexican, that crap is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
-Winston Churchill
DIVAS SONGS
Restless Road: Sang some Taylor Swift song. I can't tell you what song it was though, since I can't understand singers when they mumble through the song. Especially when there are three of them doing it at the same time.
#KnewYouWereTerribleWhenYouWalkedIn
Rion: Miss "Not So Subtle Save Me Song" sang some Carrie Underwood song. Rion did a very good job...of looking like Carrie Underwood. However, the singing, not so much. The song contained the lyrics "Gone gone gone." Which is what Rion will hopefully be come Elimination Night.
#CantCarrieAnything
Jeff: He was given a "Mariah Carey" song to sing. Lucky for Jeff, it was actually Badfinger's "Without You." Once again, he proves that he is the best. he is driving a car while the rest of the singers are still crawling on the ground.
#AirSupplyDidTheBestCover
Ellona: Sang "Applause" by Lady GaGa. I must say, this performance really showed us that Ellona has a good future ahead of her...as a stripper. You know the second best thing about stippers? They don't sing.
#LiveForTheTips
Alex & Sierra: They get some of the strangest song choices. This week was "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child. This was a decent performance, but one can't help but notice that Sierra is on;y in this because she loves Alex so much. (Gag) But the thing is, he needs her, I don't think he'd be that good as a solo artist. Maybe he should trade up.
#LoveWontKeepusTogether
Carlito: This was an absolute mess. His worst performance yet. And that is pretty bad.
#MunudoMierda
UNPLUGGED
This part of the review, I will be joined by my long time friend Gweg.
Restless Road:
Gweg: I have to hand it to them, they sounded a lot better unplugged. They didn't try to be gimmicky as they have been in past performances.
Satyr: I don't care if crap is plugged in or not, it's still crap.
Gweg: You don't think they sounded better?
Satyr: They may have sounded better, but just because I've cleaned out the pool of all the crap but left the piss in there, it still doesn't mean I want to go for a swim.
Gweg: It was there best performance.
Satyr: That's like a retard getting an A on a test.
Gweg: You're an a--hole.
Rion:
Gweg: I have to admire her. She has so much courage to get up there and sing her heart out. If I had that kind of condition, I don't think I could do it.
Satyr: Trust me, you've got plenty of handicaps. What did you think about this performance?
Gweg: She poured her heart out during this performance. She is definitely at her best when she is sitting down.
Satyr: Yeah, she doesn't have to do that stupid leg stomping.
Gweg: She is just trying to compensate for the lack of hand movements.
Satyr: I got a hand movement for her, and it just involves me making a fist, holding it up, and extending my middle finger. Poured her heart out? More like milked her handicap for all that it's worth. All fo those people crying. Gag me with a spoon.
Gweg: How in the hell did you get to be so cynical?
Satyr: By watching too many of these singing competition shows.
Jeff:
Satyr: Well, I like this guy, but I think it's a little too convenient that he got to sing "Daniel" to his brother Daniel.
Gweg: Coincidences happen. And I think it was very nice. Very touching.
Satyr: Well, he was toned down, but it was still a good performance.
Gweg: I agree.
Satyr: That's a first.
Ellona:
Satyr: Come on Gweg, say something nice about this one.
Gweg: She got better at the end there.
Satyr: Yeah, right at the end, when the song was over.
Gweg: She wasn't that bad. She's got some work cut out for her, she just needs better guidance.
Satyr: The only guidance she'll need is how to climb up a pole and bend around it.
Gweg: She's not going to be a stripper. She has got a good camera presence. She could be on Glee.
Satyr: More like the porn parody of Glee. Glee All Over Your Face.
Gweg: I hate you.
Alex & Sierra
Gweg: They sounded great. I love this song. And she did a fine job playing the piano, despite the obvious nerves she had.
Satyr: The way she was shaking there, I thought Michael J Fox might have been her piano instructor.
Gweg: That's not funny. She was very nervous. But, she had her rock. Alex was there to keep her sated.
Satyr: Makes you jealous, doesn't it. You wish you had a girl that depended on you.
Gweg: Maybe I would have a girl, if you'd stop getting them killed.
Satyr: That's irrelevant. But yes, they did sound good.
Carlito:
Gweg: This was a wreck.
Satyr: Yeah, even Paul Walker would be amazed by how much of a wreck this was.
Gweg: If he manages to move on to the next round, I'll but us dinner tomorrow night.
Satyr: Nothing Mexican, that crap is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Review for The X-Factor 11/27/13
"Hell is my playground and Heaven is my battlefield."
-Virtual Satyr
BIG BAND NIGHT
This week's hashtags will represent what each performance makes me thankful for.
Michael Buble came out for a performance. I immediately fast forwarded over it.
#ThankfulForDVR
Rion: I figured out what Rion reminds me of. Miss Piggy. She looks and moves just like her. The think the song she sang was called "Swinging." I assume it's about all the people who were tying a noose around their necks after listening to this performance.
#ThankfulForDexterity
Restless Road: I have no idea what their names are, nor do I care. They sang that gawd awful country version of "Life Is A Highway." Straight Tie sounded like a cartoon character. Bow Tie sounded like a parody of Scotty McCreery. No Tie at least sounded normal. Together, they sounded like a bunch of crap. I ended up making a smoothie in my kitchen to kill the memory of listening to this.
#ThankfulForMyBlender
Jeff: Sang Buble's "I'm Feeling Good." Of course, I hate this song, but I'll be damned if Jeff didn't sing the hell out of it. This guy should be the clear winner at this point.
#ThankfulSomeoneOnThisShowHasTalent
Josh: Sang "Treasure" This performance was anything but that. This kid belongs on Nickelodeon. Once he hits puberty, it'll be all over for him.
#ThankfulForMyPubes
Carlito: ¿Por qué siempre tiene bailarines feas con él? No importa cómo lo dice, Carlito es terrible en cualquier idioma.
#ThankfulForGoogleTranslate
Alex & Sierra: Sang a decent jazzed up version of Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble." Finally back to form for these two. This was enjoyable. That being said, their lovey dovey act is getting old.
#ThankfulForBeingSingle
Lillie: I got a text while she was singing. It wasn't till the coaches started talking that I realized I had been texting during her performance without listening to a single bit of it. I'm sure it was just the bees knees or whatever old people her age say.
#ThankfulForMyPhone
Ellona: We were introduced to Ellona's sister, who has terminal cancer. Ellona then gave us a performance that made us envious of her dying sister. I hope somebody reassured her that the nausea was a side effect of the cancer treatment, and not listening to her sister sing.
#ThankfulImAnOnlyChild
All 8 came out and sang something, but I had some Pepto Bismol to chug down, so I didn't catch any of it.
Happy Thanksgiving, my wonderful readers.
-Virtual Satyr
BIG BAND NIGHT
This week's hashtags will represent what each performance makes me thankful for.
Michael Buble came out for a performance. I immediately fast forwarded over it.
#ThankfulForDVR
Rion: I figured out what Rion reminds me of. Miss Piggy. She looks and moves just like her. The think the song she sang was called "Swinging." I assume it's about all the people who were tying a noose around their necks after listening to this performance.
#ThankfulForDexterity
Restless Road: I have no idea what their names are, nor do I care. They sang that gawd awful country version of "Life Is A Highway." Straight Tie sounded like a cartoon character. Bow Tie sounded like a parody of Scotty McCreery. No Tie at least sounded normal. Together, they sounded like a bunch of crap. I ended up making a smoothie in my kitchen to kill the memory of listening to this.
#ThankfulForMyBlender
Jeff: Sang Buble's "I'm Feeling Good." Of course, I hate this song, but I'll be damned if Jeff didn't sing the hell out of it. This guy should be the clear winner at this point.
#ThankfulSomeoneOnThisShowHasTalent
Josh: Sang "Treasure" This performance was anything but that. This kid belongs on Nickelodeon. Once he hits puberty, it'll be all over for him.
#ThankfulForMyPubes
Carlito: ¿Por qué siempre tiene bailarines feas con él? No importa cómo lo dice, Carlito es terrible en cualquier idioma.
#ThankfulForGoogleTranslate
Alex & Sierra: Sang a decent jazzed up version of Taylor Swift's "I Knew You Were Trouble." Finally back to form for these two. This was enjoyable. That being said, their lovey dovey act is getting old.
#ThankfulForBeingSingle
Lillie: I got a text while she was singing. It wasn't till the coaches started talking that I realized I had been texting during her performance without listening to a single bit of it. I'm sure it was just the bees knees or whatever old people her age say.
#ThankfulForMyPhone
Ellona: We were introduced to Ellona's sister, who has terminal cancer. Ellona then gave us a performance that made us envious of her dying sister. I hope somebody reassured her that the nausea was a side effect of the cancer treatment, and not listening to her sister sing.
#ThankfulImAnOnlyChild
All 8 came out and sang something, but I had some Pepto Bismol to chug down, so I didn't catch any of it.
Happy Thanksgiving, my wonderful readers.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Review for X-Factor 11/20/13
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."
Dante, Divine Comedy
British Invasion Night. And is history as taught us anything, America tends to suck when adapting things from the Mother Land.
Jeff: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." Despite the fact that Game of Thrones is an American creation and not British, Jeff starting out the performance on The Iron Throne was completely BADASS. This was one of the best performances on X-Factor ever. So, of course, the rest of the show is going to go downhill from here.
#VirtualSatyrSendsHisRegards
Tim: Bob Ross painting a picture of grass growing would be more exciting than anything this kid does. The female judges kept calling him "sexy." Where's Inigo Montoya when you need him?
#ExitSandman
Khaya: Sang The Beatles' "Let It Be." Well, I won't let it be. She sucks. This performance was uninspired crap. Her voice was all over the place. A raft in the Philippines Typhoon had more stability than her voice.
#BeatleRepellant
Josh: Josh came up with this joke: "What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick."
Here's my joke: "What's black and bad for your ears?" He sang the absolute worst version of "Sweet Dreams" anybody has ever heard. Quit trying to give us another Justin Beiber,
#TheAnswerIsJoshBTW
Alex & Ciera: Sang some stupid One Direction song. (Whom will be on X-Factor tomorrow, just in case you missed it) I didn't like this. The song was stupid and there two are starting to lose their appeal. No more Sonny and Cher. Give us Sid and Nancy. Or Joker and Harley.
#LoveConquersNothing
Rion: Well, she didn't outright suck this week. This was easily her best performance. still mediocre though, so I'll throw some faint praise her way.
#HeyRionCatch
Carlito: Sang The Stone's "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." That is the anthem of anybody that watches this show. Keep working on those dance moves, because that dull voice of your will get you nowhere.
#BeastOfBoredom
Lillie: Sang some song nobody in the world but Kelly has ever heard. The next time Lillie sings, I'm going to use those 90 seconds to watch 18 "5 Second Film" videos.
#TheGeriatricFactor
Ellona: Sang "Burn" by Ellie Goulding. This song went very well with my theme of introducing each review with a quote about Hell. Because the song was called burn, it was a sin for her to cover an Ellie Goulding song, and it was torture to listen to.
#Hellception
RestlessRoad: There is something called an Anechoic Room, a room that is quiet, you can hear your heartbeat. They say nobody can last 45 minutes in it, because they start hallucinating and going insane.
I willing to spend the rest of my life in there if it means never hearing Restless Road ever again.
#CountryEmblem3
Dante, Divine Comedy
British Invasion Night. And is history as taught us anything, America tends to suck when adapting things from the Mother Land.
Jeff: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." Despite the fact that Game of Thrones is an American creation and not British, Jeff starting out the performance on The Iron Throne was completely BADASS. This was one of the best performances on X-Factor ever. So, of course, the rest of the show is going to go downhill from here.
#VirtualSatyrSendsHisRegards
Tim: Bob Ross painting a picture of grass growing would be more exciting than anything this kid does. The female judges kept calling him "sexy." Where's Inigo Montoya when you need him?
#ExitSandman
Khaya: Sang The Beatles' "Let It Be." Well, I won't let it be. She sucks. This performance was uninspired crap. Her voice was all over the place. A raft in the Philippines Typhoon had more stability than her voice.
#BeatleRepellant
Josh: Josh came up with this joke: "What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick."
Here's my joke: "What's black and bad for your ears?" He sang the absolute worst version of "Sweet Dreams" anybody has ever heard. Quit trying to give us another Justin Beiber,
#TheAnswerIsJoshBTW
Alex & Ciera: Sang some stupid One Direction song. (Whom will be on X-Factor tomorrow, just in case you missed it) I didn't like this. The song was stupid and there two are starting to lose their appeal. No more Sonny and Cher. Give us Sid and Nancy. Or Joker and Harley.
#LoveConquersNothing
Rion: Well, she didn't outright suck this week. This was easily her best performance. still mediocre though, so I'll throw some faint praise her way.
#HeyRionCatch
Carlito: Sang The Stone's "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." That is the anthem of anybody that watches this show. Keep working on those dance moves, because that dull voice of your will get you nowhere.
#BeastOfBoredom
Lillie: Sang some song nobody in the world but Kelly has ever heard. The next time Lillie sings, I'm going to use those 90 seconds to watch 18 "5 Second Film" videos.
#TheGeriatricFactor
Ellona: Sang "Burn" by Ellie Goulding. This song went very well with my theme of introducing each review with a quote about Hell. Because the song was called burn, it was a sin for her to cover an Ellie Goulding song, and it was torture to listen to.
#Hellception
RestlessRoad: There is something called an Anechoic Room, a room that is quiet, you can hear your heartbeat. They say nobody can last 45 minutes in it, because they start hallucinating and going insane.
I willing to spend the rest of my life in there if it means never hearing Restless Road ever again.
#CountryEmblem3
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Review for TheX-Factor 11/13/13
“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”
― Oscar Wilde
We started the show off with Carlos getting eliminated. Sorry Twitch, all the sympathy votes went to the cute little blonde teen with the deformed hands.
On to 80's Night.
Lillie: Sucked. Not only was it bad to hear this grandma try to sing like a 25 year old, it was even worse to watch her act like one.
#OverTheHill
Carlito: Pure garbage. Sang "The Rhythm is Going To Get You." Carlito must have been marked with the blood of a lamb, cause the Rhythm passed right over him. Also, having the ugliest female dancer on stage with him didn't help matter either.
#CarlitoCaribbeanCrap
Rion: Sang pat Benatar's "We Belong." I can tell you were Rion doesn't belong, on the stage. She was all over the place. She has years of work ahead of her.
#IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItClapYourHands
Sweet Suspense: Sang the classic 80's song "Mickey." Oh Sweet Suspence you're so fine you blow my mind. A fun performance.
#WishMyMindWasntTheOnlyThingGettingBlown
Tim: He got to meet some chick from Modern Family. She immediately put Tim in the Friend Zone by bringing her boyfriend along to their dinner. Good stuff. What wasn't good, was Tim performance. Phil Collins' songs are getting wrecked this week. This guy has zero charisma.
#NotGettingEliminatedIsAgainstAllOdds
Khaya: Gawd awful! This performance was like watching the Hindenburg crashing into the World Trade Center then causing the Titanic to sink.
#BorderlineDisaster
Restless Road: When I was 22, I fell in love with this girl. She was perfect to me. Every love song made sense to me when I thought about her. So, it broke my heart and nearly destroyed me when I found out she was a lesbian. I tried so hard to Chasing Amy her, but to no avail. I thought I knew what depression was then. But, now that I've heard Restless Road sing again, I know what true depression is. If they manage to produce an album, it should come with a free prescription to Zoloft.
#FootlooseNeckNoose
Rachel: When they said she was going to sing "Alone" I felt my stomach knot up.
However, my pain was quickly relieved. She nailed this song out of the park. And she looked sexy as hell doing it to. Best Performance of the Night.
#I'dLikeToGetHerAlone
Ellona: Terrible. This performance made me jealous of Helen Keller.
#HaveANiceTripSeeYouNextFall
Josh: This performance gave me such a bad migraine my nose started to bleed.
#TheExcedrinFactor
Jeff: Sang "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight." When I used to be a manager at a fast food place, I would play this song on repeat if my crew wasn't doing a good job. So, the lyrics to this song are ingrained in by brain like a tattoo. So, hearing Jeff get the lyrics wrong was a big mark against him. Plus, he didn't sing this very well. It's a tough song to sing. But, even on his worst day, Jeff sounds better than most of the people on this show.
#ShouldHaveWalkedAway
Alex & Ciera: they sang "Addicted To Love" which was a good song choice for them, but the arrangement was horrible. So, this was just ok.
#PeopleWhoWatchThisShowAreAddictedToDumb
― Oscar Wilde
We started the show off with Carlos getting eliminated. Sorry Twitch, all the sympathy votes went to the cute little blonde teen with the deformed hands.
On to 80's Night.
Lillie: Sucked. Not only was it bad to hear this grandma try to sing like a 25 year old, it was even worse to watch her act like one.
#OverTheHill
Carlito: Pure garbage. Sang "The Rhythm is Going To Get You." Carlito must have been marked with the blood of a lamb, cause the Rhythm passed right over him. Also, having the ugliest female dancer on stage with him didn't help matter either.
#CarlitoCaribbeanCrap
Rion: Sang pat Benatar's "We Belong." I can tell you were Rion doesn't belong, on the stage. She was all over the place. She has years of work ahead of her.
#IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItClapYourHands
Sweet Suspense: Sang the classic 80's song "Mickey." Oh Sweet Suspence you're so fine you blow my mind. A fun performance.
#WishMyMindWasntTheOnlyThingGettingBlown
Tim: He got to meet some chick from Modern Family. She immediately put Tim in the Friend Zone by bringing her boyfriend along to their dinner. Good stuff. What wasn't good, was Tim performance. Phil Collins' songs are getting wrecked this week. This guy has zero charisma.
#NotGettingEliminatedIsAgainstAllOdds
Khaya: Gawd awful! This performance was like watching the Hindenburg crashing into the World Trade Center then causing the Titanic to sink.
#BorderlineDisaster
Restless Road: When I was 22, I fell in love with this girl. She was perfect to me. Every love song made sense to me when I thought about her. So, it broke my heart and nearly destroyed me when I found out she was a lesbian. I tried so hard to Chasing Amy her, but to no avail. I thought I knew what depression was then. But, now that I've heard Restless Road sing again, I know what true depression is. If they manage to produce an album, it should come with a free prescription to Zoloft.
#FootlooseNeckNoose
Rachel: When they said she was going to sing "Alone" I felt my stomach knot up.
However, my pain was quickly relieved. She nailed this song out of the park. And she looked sexy as hell doing it to. Best Performance of the Night.
#I'dLikeToGetHerAlone
Ellona: Terrible. This performance made me jealous of Helen Keller.
#HaveANiceTripSeeYouNextFall
Josh: This performance gave me such a bad migraine my nose started to bleed.
#TheExcedrinFactor
Jeff: Sang "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight." When I used to be a manager at a fast food place, I would play this song on repeat if my crew wasn't doing a good job. So, the lyrics to this song are ingrained in by brain like a tattoo. So, hearing Jeff get the lyrics wrong was a big mark against him. Plus, he didn't sing this very well. It's a tough song to sing. But, even on his worst day, Jeff sounds better than most of the people on this show.
#ShouldHaveWalkedAway
Alex & Ciera: they sang "Addicted To Love" which was a good song choice for them, but the arrangement was horrible. So, this was just ok.
#PeopleWhoWatchThisShowAreAddictedToDumb
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Review for The X-Factor 11/6/13
"Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light."
John Milton, Paradise Lost
Josh: He was brought back as a wildcard, cause gawd forbid they bring back somebody that actually performed well. JAMES He tried to hard to make a good impression and it sounded as such. After Josh's "comeback" performance was over, Demi said he would have a long career ahead of him. I'm thinking at Outback Steakhouse. Home of the Bloomin' Onion.
#WildCardWaste
Rachel: Her sexy legs were not enough to distract me from the fact that this was a terrible country version of "This Ol' Heart Of Mind." But those legs of hers were very nice.
#ThisOlHardOfMine
Carlos: When Carlos sings, he trades in his Tourettes for "Bore-ettes." This performance was about as exciting as finding out Ben Affleck is going to be Batman.
#HardAsTits
Restless Road: I once had horseradish sauce squeezed onto my private parts. (Don't ask) It was the worst sensation I have ever felt in my life. If I were to ever be tortured, and I had the option of listening to Restless Road or having horseradish put on my balls, well that's the only time my pants will drop at the mention of Restless Road.
#WrecklessRoad
Ellona: Another cookie cutter teenage singer. It's not that they are bad, they just aren't very good. Nothing about them makes them stand out. They look and sound just like every flavor of the week.
#TodaysTreasureTomorrowsTrash
Jeff: Now here is a guy that can sing. He has a distinct voice and doesn't sound like he was produced in a factory.
#DasIstGutt
Alex & Ciera: This wasn't their best performance, but I don't think the song was right for them. You can't really have two people who's gimmick is being two love birds singing together do a breakup song. That being said, they do sound great with each other.
#DamnTheirLove
Khaya: Dear god in hell, her voice excruciatingly grating. Seriously, it was painful to listen to. I almost stopped the show and deleted it off my DVR.
#TheDreckFactor
Side Note: it was most evident after Khaya's performance, but the judges are on complete damage control tonight. They are doing everything in their power to make it seem like they have the cream of the crop this year.
Carlito: Another fail. "Stop In The Name of Love" does not work as a ballad. Especially with this jackass singing it.
#StopInTheNameOfGoodTaste
Lillie: This show is getting ridiculous now. Another crap performance. It's driving me insane. I'm starting to feel like Jack Torrence in The Shining.
#AllWorkAndNoPlayMakeSatyrADullBoy
Sweet Suspense: Finally, someone injected something exciting into this show. These girls are awesome together. Great harmonies.
#SweetRelief
Rion: Note to X-Factor, don't have people singing songs before the commercial breaks, especially when they sound better than most of your contestants. Like Rion, for example. It's great that she is able to overcome her setbacks, but it doesn't give her a golden ticket to talent. She has a lot of work to do before she can be considered as good as the judges make her out to be.
#ShePutsTheHandInHandicapped
Tim: I can't even.... If this show was the JFK assassination, then this performance was the head shot. And trust me, when it comes to the murder of music on this show, there is more than one shooter.
#CancelThisShow
John Milton, Paradise Lost
Josh: He was brought back as a wildcard, cause gawd forbid they bring back somebody that actually performed well. JAMES He tried to hard to make a good impression and it sounded as such. After Josh's "comeback" performance was over, Demi said he would have a long career ahead of him. I'm thinking at Outback Steakhouse. Home of the Bloomin' Onion.
#WildCardWaste
Rachel: Her sexy legs were not enough to distract me from the fact that this was a terrible country version of "This Ol' Heart Of Mind." But those legs of hers were very nice.
#ThisOlHardOfMine
Carlos: When Carlos sings, he trades in his Tourettes for "Bore-ettes." This performance was about as exciting as finding out Ben Affleck is going to be Batman.
#HardAsTits
Restless Road: I once had horseradish sauce squeezed onto my private parts. (Don't ask) It was the worst sensation I have ever felt in my life. If I were to ever be tortured, and I had the option of listening to Restless Road or having horseradish put on my balls, well that's the only time my pants will drop at the mention of Restless Road.
#WrecklessRoad
Ellona: Another cookie cutter teenage singer. It's not that they are bad, they just aren't very good. Nothing about them makes them stand out. They look and sound just like every flavor of the week.
#TodaysTreasureTomorrowsTrash
Jeff: Now here is a guy that can sing. He has a distinct voice and doesn't sound like he was produced in a factory.
#DasIstGutt
Alex & Ciera: This wasn't their best performance, but I don't think the song was right for them. You can't really have two people who's gimmick is being two love birds singing together do a breakup song. That being said, they do sound great with each other.
#DamnTheirLove
Khaya: Dear god in hell, her voice excruciatingly grating. Seriously, it was painful to listen to. I almost stopped the show and deleted it off my DVR.
#TheDreckFactor
Side Note: it was most evident after Khaya's performance, but the judges are on complete damage control tonight. They are doing everything in their power to make it seem like they have the cream of the crop this year.
Carlito: Another fail. "Stop In The Name of Love" does not work as a ballad. Especially with this jackass singing it.
#StopInTheNameOfGoodTaste
Lillie: This show is getting ridiculous now. Another crap performance. It's driving me insane. I'm starting to feel like Jack Torrence in The Shining.
#AllWorkAndNoPlayMakeSatyrADullBoy
Sweet Suspense: Finally, someone injected something exciting into this show. These girls are awesome together. Great harmonies.
#SweetRelief
Rion: Note to X-Factor, don't have people singing songs before the commercial breaks, especially when they sound better than most of your contestants. Like Rion, for example. It's great that she is able to overcome her setbacks, but it doesn't give her a golden ticket to talent. She has a lot of work to do before she can be considered as good as the judges make her out to be.
#ShePutsTheHandInHandicapped
Tim: I can't even.... If this show was the JFK assassination, then this performance was the head shot. And trust me, when it comes to the murder of music on this show, there is more than one shooter.
#CancelThisShow
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Review for The Voice 11/5/13
TEAM CEE-LO
Amber: Mediocrity at its dullest.
Jonny: Sang "Bittersweet Symphony." There is something mesmerizing about that song. Except when Jonny sang it. He sucked.
Tamara: Sang "I Will Survive." Tony Clifton sang it a lot better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PN2qNnsVV4
Kat: There is more than one way to skin a Kat, and this performance was one of them. She did a very bad job tonight. And that Hippie dreck at the end didn't help matters.
Caroline: Finally, someone on Cee-Lo's team that sounds interesting. She's got a good voice and good control. She has that unique kind of voice you would here on an Indie record.
TEAM CHRISTINA
Josh: Did a horrible cover of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." This was all over the place. If he drives they way he sand this, he would get pulled over for a DUI.
Olivia: Carrie Underwood lite sounded exactly like that.
Stephanie: So boring was this performance that I decided not to come up with some clever insult for it.
Matthew: Ok, He can sing. I will give him that. In this season of The Voice, that will make him stand out.
Jacquie: Despite the ridiculous way her name is spelled, she did a great job. Best of the night She can sing. She doesn't sound like she's just trying to make her voice do tricks, she has actual range.
Amber: Mediocrity at its dullest.
Jonny: Sang "Bittersweet Symphony." There is something mesmerizing about that song. Except when Jonny sang it. He sucked.
Tamara: Sang "I Will Survive." Tony Clifton sang it a lot better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PN2qNnsVV4
Kat: There is more than one way to skin a Kat, and this performance was one of them. She did a very bad job tonight. And that Hippie dreck at the end didn't help matters.
Caroline: Finally, someone on Cee-Lo's team that sounds interesting. She's got a good voice and good control. She has that unique kind of voice you would here on an Indie record.
TEAM CHRISTINA
Josh: Did a horrible cover of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." This was all over the place. If he drives they way he sand this, he would get pulled over for a DUI.
Olivia: Carrie Underwood lite sounded exactly like that.
Stephanie: So boring was this performance that I decided not to come up with some clever insult for it.
Matthew: Ok, He can sing. I will give him that. In this season of The Voice, that will make him stand out.
Jacquie: Despite the ridiculous way her name is spelled, she did a great job. Best of the night She can sing. She doesn't sound like she's just trying to make her voice do tricks, she has actual range.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Review for X-Factor 10/29/13
Dear Lord Satan, please give me the strength to make it through this season.
GIRLS
Ellona: Selena Gomez Addams here pulled off a performance worthy of Halloween. It scared me. It was frightening to think this was the future of the music industry. Terrifyingly terrible. #MusicKiller
Danie: She sang Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball," which was perfect, cause this performance showed this girl could demolish music as we know it. #JustAWreck
Rion: It must be hell for her when she has to pick her nose. Anyways, she sounds mediocre at best, but her handicap will put blinders on the judges and the oversensitive viewers watching this show. #Flop
Khaya: sang "Begging For Mercy." Well, that's exactly what she had me doing. another crap performance from the girls.
ELIMINATED-Danie. Time to go back and become the hot nerd all the guy nerds pine after, but won't get, cause she'll be too busy dating good looking jerks instead.
BOYS
Josh: Black Bieber here sounded like he was singing with a stomach full of marbles. Awful. #DisBelieber.
Carlos: Paulina, being ever so insightful, told us that Carlos has a problem with his nerves. Yeah, it's called Tourette's, you dumb blonde. Anyways, he sounded like he had a nervous condition. It was crap. #CrapBallBitch
Carlito: Ah, of course Paulina would make sure we had a generic sounded Latino singer on her team. And boy, if it were any more of that, we'd have guacamole pouring out of our TVs. #YoQueroTacoBell
Tim: I decided to look up "Boring synonym" on Google to best describe this performance. Here are the results: tedious, dull, monotonous, repetitive, unrelieved, unvaried, unimaginative, uneventful; characterless, featureless, colorless, lifeless, insipid, uninteresting, unexciting, uninspiring, unstimulating, uninvolving; unreadable, unwatchable; jejune, flat, bland, dry, stale, tired, banal, lackluster, stodgy, vapid, monochrome, dreary, humdrum, mundane; mind-numbing, wearisome, tiring, tiresome, irksome, trying, frustrating; informaldeadly, ho-hum, dullsville, dull as dishwater, plain-vanilla. Couldn't have said it better myself. #ABoringOneManPlay
ELIMINATED: Josh. Don't stop Beliebing.
OVER 25'S
Lillie: Looked and sounded like a geriatric Minnie Mouse. #Goofy
Jeff: Sang P!nk's "Try." Finally, a decent performance on this show. Maybe it was because everyone that sang before him was so bad, but this guy sounded really good. #DoOrDoNotThereIsNoTry
Rachel: Sang "I Hope You Dance." Not a fan of this song, but she sang it really well. And she's cute as hell. #HopeYouLapDance
James: The song was crap, but he had a pretty strong vocal. So far, the adults are running down the kids like they are pedestrians in GTA5. #AgeBeforeStupidity
ELIMINATED: James. This was a terrible decision on Kellie's part. it should have been Lillie. Side note: LILLIE. JAMES. Rachel POTTER. So, if that's any kind of clue, Lillie will be the next to go in this category.
GROUPS
Roxxy Montana: They sang Lorde's "Royals." I love this song. So, watching this performance was like seeing a loved one on TV getting raped and murdered and knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it. #RoyalPainInTheAss
Sweet Suspense: 3 hot chicks. 1 great performance. I think I just might have my favorite to win. #IDontCareILoveIt
Alex & Cierra: Despite the fact that I hate seeing couple oh so in love, and despite the fact I hate Robin Thicke and his stupid song "Blurred Lines" more than anything else in this world, I actually kind of enjoyed this performance. They are good together. #DynamicDuo
Restless Road: 3 country singers. One crap performance. Manure. #RestlessRoadkill
ELIMNATED: Roxxy Montana. After their butcher of a great song, justice has been served.
My name is Virtual Satyr and I'll be your guide this season. Telling you how it is and how it should be.
GIRLS
Ellona: Selena Gomez Addams here pulled off a performance worthy of Halloween. It scared me. It was frightening to think this was the future of the music industry. Terrifyingly terrible. #MusicKiller
Danie: She sang Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball," which was perfect, cause this performance showed this girl could demolish music as we know it. #JustAWreck
Rion: It must be hell for her when she has to pick her nose. Anyways, she sounds mediocre at best, but her handicap will put blinders on the judges and the oversensitive viewers watching this show. #Flop
Khaya: sang "Begging For Mercy." Well, that's exactly what she had me doing. another crap performance from the girls.
ELIMINATED-Danie. Time to go back and become the hot nerd all the guy nerds pine after, but won't get, cause she'll be too busy dating good looking jerks instead.
BOYS
Josh: Black Bieber here sounded like he was singing with a stomach full of marbles. Awful. #DisBelieber.
Carlos: Paulina, being ever so insightful, told us that Carlos has a problem with his nerves. Yeah, it's called Tourette's, you dumb blonde. Anyways, he sounded like he had a nervous condition. It was crap. #CrapBallBitch
Carlito: Ah, of course Paulina would make sure we had a generic sounded Latino singer on her team. And boy, if it were any more of that, we'd have guacamole pouring out of our TVs. #YoQueroTacoBell
Tim: I decided to look up "Boring synonym" on Google to best describe this performance. Here are the results: tedious, dull, monotonous, repetitive, unrelieved, unvaried, unimaginative, uneventful; characterless, featureless, colorless, lifeless, insipid, uninteresting, unexciting, uninspiring, unstimulating, uninvolving; unreadable, unwatchable; jejune, flat, bland, dry, stale, tired, banal, lackluster, stodgy, vapid, monochrome, dreary, humdrum, mundane; mind-numbing, wearisome, tiring, tiresome, irksome, trying, frustrating; informaldeadly, ho-hum, dullsville, dull as dishwater, plain-vanilla. Couldn't have said it better myself. #ABoringOneManPlay
ELIMINATED: Josh. Don't stop Beliebing.
OVER 25'S
Lillie: Looked and sounded like a geriatric Minnie Mouse. #Goofy
Jeff: Sang P!nk's "Try." Finally, a decent performance on this show. Maybe it was because everyone that sang before him was so bad, but this guy sounded really good. #DoOrDoNotThereIsNoTry
Rachel: Sang "I Hope You Dance." Not a fan of this song, but she sang it really well. And she's cute as hell. #HopeYouLapDance
James: The song was crap, but he had a pretty strong vocal. So far, the adults are running down the kids like they are pedestrians in GTA5. #AgeBeforeStupidity
ELIMINATED: James. This was a terrible decision on Kellie's part. it should have been Lillie. Side note: LILLIE. JAMES. Rachel POTTER. So, if that's any kind of clue, Lillie will be the next to go in this category.
GROUPS
Roxxy Montana: They sang Lorde's "Royals." I love this song. So, watching this performance was like seeing a loved one on TV getting raped and murdered and knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it. #RoyalPainInTheAss
Sweet Suspense: 3 hot chicks. 1 great performance. I think I just might have my favorite to win. #IDontCareILoveIt
Alex & Cierra: Despite the fact that I hate seeing couple oh so in love, and despite the fact I hate Robin Thicke and his stupid song "Blurred Lines" more than anything else in this world, I actually kind of enjoyed this performance. They are good together. #DynamicDuo
Restless Road: 3 country singers. One crap performance. Manure. #RestlessRoadkill
ELIMNATED: Roxxy Montana. After their butcher of a great song, justice has been served.
My name is Virtual Satyr and I'll be your guide this season. Telling you how it is and how it should be.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Review for AGT 9/10/13
We are down to the final 12.
Let's go from worst act to best.
12: Collins Key (magician) Actually, calling this guy a magician is an insult to magicians. He took Nick's watch, adjusted the time ,and placed it in a bag. He took 2 cheap watches and placed them in separate bags, had Howie adjust the time on his watch. Then he had Heidi and Mel pick 2 bags for him to smash. The remaining bag had Nick's watch and the time matched Howie's watch.
I'm sure that was boring to read, well, it was even more boring to watch. How did he do it? Who cares?
11: Jimmy Rose (singer) Sang Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You." If God does exist, then he is a cruel bastard, because he gave us Jimmy Rose.
10: D'Angelo & Amanda (dancers) It was faced paced and energetic, but so is my masturbating, and try as I may, I don't think that will get me on America's Got Talent.
9: Brendan James (opera singer) His parents are proud of him and no longer care that he is gay. It's inspiring. I hope every gay kid out there has a chance to win a million dollars so their parents can love them too. He did an operatic cover of that Hallelujah song that everybody does a cover of. He was all over the place with this. And this song makes me think of the sex scene in Watchmen.
8: Chicago Boys (acrobatics) I gave them high praise last week for doing bigger stunts, but this week they went back to the same boring routine. Well, they did do a human pyramid like jump stunt, but that was the only impressive thing about them this week.
7: Catapult Entertainment (shadow dancers) They story they told using their bodies as shadow puppets portrayed a boy who gets bullied at school. The bullies become monsters to him, but they are defeated when he remembers he has people who love him. What a bunch of sentimental crap. Ok, the dragon they made was cool, but there have been far better shadow dances than these clods.
6: Innovative Force (acrobatic dancing) Again, it was kind of all over the place, much like Chicago Boyz, but I think these girls have much better timing. And the helicopter spin they did with the three girls was very impressive.
5: Cami Bradley (singer) She sang Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer." She made it sound hauntingly beautiful. That is amazing.
4: Forte (opera trio) They did an Italian Operatic version of "My Heart Will Go On." There are 2 rules about covering a Celine Dion song: 1. Don't do it. 2. Especially if you're a guy. These 3 did the impossible. They sounded great.
3: Taylor Williamson (comedian) He and the next two acts are the only acts I was looking forward to seeing tonight, and they did not disappoint. Taylor makes me laugh. That's his job and he does it well. The therapy jokes was funny as hell.
2: Kristef Brothers (balancing and strength act)The whole infomerical setting, with the two couples in the back trying to duplicate the moves and failing was brilliant. These two guys are incredible at what they do. And they are funny.
1: Kenichi Ebina (Asian Jesus) Imagine a blind man getting a new pair of eyes and seeing the sunrise for the very first time. Imagine going to a different planet, and getting to see the night sky from a whole new perspective. Imagine standing on the top of The Dark Tower, and looking down at the sea of roses, and being able to get a glimpse of the light of all creation.
Imagine the beauty of all that.
None of that is as beautiful as Kenichi dancing.
Let's go from worst act to best.
12: Collins Key (magician) Actually, calling this guy a magician is an insult to magicians. He took Nick's watch, adjusted the time ,and placed it in a bag. He took 2 cheap watches and placed them in separate bags, had Howie adjust the time on his watch. Then he had Heidi and Mel pick 2 bags for him to smash. The remaining bag had Nick's watch and the time matched Howie's watch.
I'm sure that was boring to read, well, it was even more boring to watch. How did he do it? Who cares?
11: Jimmy Rose (singer) Sang Blake Shelton's "God Gave Me You." If God does exist, then he is a cruel bastard, because he gave us Jimmy Rose.
10: D'Angelo & Amanda (dancers) It was faced paced and energetic, but so is my masturbating, and try as I may, I don't think that will get me on America's Got Talent.
9: Brendan James (opera singer) His parents are proud of him and no longer care that he is gay. It's inspiring. I hope every gay kid out there has a chance to win a million dollars so their parents can love them too. He did an operatic cover of that Hallelujah song that everybody does a cover of. He was all over the place with this. And this song makes me think of the sex scene in Watchmen.
8: Chicago Boys (acrobatics) I gave them high praise last week for doing bigger stunts, but this week they went back to the same boring routine. Well, they did do a human pyramid like jump stunt, but that was the only impressive thing about them this week.
7: Catapult Entertainment (shadow dancers) They story they told using their bodies as shadow puppets portrayed a boy who gets bullied at school. The bullies become monsters to him, but they are defeated when he remembers he has people who love him. What a bunch of sentimental crap. Ok, the dragon they made was cool, but there have been far better shadow dances than these clods.
6: Innovative Force (acrobatic dancing) Again, it was kind of all over the place, much like Chicago Boyz, but I think these girls have much better timing. And the helicopter spin they did with the three girls was very impressive.
5: Cami Bradley (singer) She sang Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer." She made it sound hauntingly beautiful. That is amazing.
4: Forte (opera trio) They did an Italian Operatic version of "My Heart Will Go On." There are 2 rules about covering a Celine Dion song: 1. Don't do it. 2. Especially if you're a guy. These 3 did the impossible. They sounded great.
3: Taylor Williamson (comedian) He and the next two acts are the only acts I was looking forward to seeing tonight, and they did not disappoint. Taylor makes me laugh. That's his job and he does it well. The therapy jokes was funny as hell.
2: Kristef Brothers (balancing and strength act)The whole infomerical setting, with the two couples in the back trying to duplicate the moves and failing was brilliant. These two guys are incredible at what they do. And they are funny.
1: Kenichi Ebina (Asian Jesus) Imagine a blind man getting a new pair of eyes and seeing the sunrise for the very first time. Imagine going to a different planet, and getting to see the night sky from a whole new perspective. Imagine standing on the top of The Dark Tower, and looking down at the sea of roses, and being able to get a glimpse of the light of all creation.
Imagine the beauty of all that.
None of that is as beautiful as Kenichi dancing.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Review for AGT 9/3/13
Again, I'll list the acts from Best to Worst.
1: Kenichi (Awesome Man) This guy is fantastic. Perfect timing. I don't think he's human. He is robot built by the Japanese to win America's Got Talent.
2: Kristef Brothers (balancing act) These guys are funny and they pull of some amazing moves (regardless of the retractable blade) They are fun to watch.
3: Timber Brown (acrobat) Something was off from his previous performances, but he is still great at what he does and it's a blast to watch.
4: Chicago Boyz (acrobats) I didn't like their previous performances too much, but I'll give credit where credit is due, they did some good moves this time around. The 3 man totem pole jump was impressive.
5: John Wing (comedian) His material was pretty good, but didn't connect with me again.
6: Brenden James (opera singer) I always cringe when somebody covers Heart's "Alone", cause they almost always suck. Especially guys. But, his operatic version was decent.
7: Anna Christine (singer) She was ok, but the non-opera singers this year range from good (Cami) to mediocre (Anna) to crap (every one else)
8: Leon and Romy (magicians) Ok, they did several tricks in 90 seconds, but they were all stuff that has been performed countless times. Something new please.
9: Jimmy Rose (singer) Sounded like any other low level country singer you'd hear scanning through radio stations.
10: Marty Brown (singer) Same thing with Jimmy. Except Marty had a career and now he's washed up.
11: D'Angelo and Amanda (dancers) They are not bad, they are just there. It doesn't feel real to me, they have been trained by professionals and it shows.
12: The Army Wives Choir (choir) Bad harmonies and emotional manipulative crap. Makes me sick.
1: Kenichi (Awesome Man) This guy is fantastic. Perfect timing. I don't think he's human. He is robot built by the Japanese to win America's Got Talent.
2: Kristef Brothers (balancing act) These guys are funny and they pull of some amazing moves (regardless of the retractable blade) They are fun to watch.
3: Timber Brown (acrobat) Something was off from his previous performances, but he is still great at what he does and it's a blast to watch.
4: Chicago Boyz (acrobats) I didn't like their previous performances too much, but I'll give credit where credit is due, they did some good moves this time around. The 3 man totem pole jump was impressive.
5: John Wing (comedian) His material was pretty good, but didn't connect with me again.
6: Brenden James (opera singer) I always cringe when somebody covers Heart's "Alone", cause they almost always suck. Especially guys. But, his operatic version was decent.
7: Anna Christine (singer) She was ok, but the non-opera singers this year range from good (Cami) to mediocre (Anna) to crap (every one else)
8: Leon and Romy (magicians) Ok, they did several tricks in 90 seconds, but they were all stuff that has been performed countless times. Something new please.
9: Jimmy Rose (singer) Sounded like any other low level country singer you'd hear scanning through radio stations.
10: Marty Brown (singer) Same thing with Jimmy. Except Marty had a career and now he's washed up.
11: D'Angelo and Amanda (dancers) They are not bad, they are just there. It doesn't feel real to me, they have been trained by professionals and it shows.
12: The Army Wives Choir (choir) Bad harmonies and emotional manipulative crap. Makes me sick.
Tuesday, August 27, 2013
Review for AGT 8/27/13
As soon as Tone the Sucksassa opened the show, I knew we were in for a
horrible night. Every act sucked, except Taylor, who is actually funny.
In fact, it sucked so much, that I decided to do something different.
So, here is a list, from best to worst. And why they sucked.
12: Taylor Williamson (comedian) The guy was actually funny.
11: Forte (opera singers) I like that song and they did right by it. As far as opera goes.
10: Cami Bradley (singer) Not her best, but she is super cute and a lot better than the other generic singers they got on this show.
9: Red Panda (danger act) I labeled this as a danger act rather than a acrobatic one, because to me, the danger of what she is doing is what drew me in. I was at the edge of my seat waiting to see if she could pull it off and was not bored once.
8: Duo Resonance(balancing couple) They do have some nice moves, but the build up to those moves took too long.
7: Innovative Force (acrobatics) Good moves, but it was all over the place.
6: Jonathan Allen (opera singer) Was dull, but didn't completely suck.
5: Catapult Entertainment (shadow screen dancers) They did some nice shadow work, but it doesn't mean anything if it doesn't go anywhere. I told better stories with hand shadows featuring a duck and a dog.
4: Dave Finley (singer) This guys voice really sucked tonight and the beatboxing was a joke.
3: Angela Hoover (impressionist) Good impressions, but the material just really drags the whole thing down into a suck hole which there is no escape.
2: Collins Key ("magician") His whole act is incredibly lame. If anyone was impressed by this, I've got a removable thumb trick that will blow their mind. Plus, I can make a wooden pencil look like it's made of rubber. And, the Joker has a nice pencil trick he wants to show you too.
1: Tone the *beep* (crap) What more can be said about this? This act just revealed how much Mel B sucks as a judge, especially when she said this about Red Panda: "I felt like I've seen it before."
In fact, it sucked so much, that I decided to do something different.
So, here is a list, from best to worst. And why they sucked.
12: Taylor Williamson (comedian) The guy was actually funny.
11: Forte (opera singers) I like that song and they did right by it. As far as opera goes.
10: Cami Bradley (singer) Not her best, but she is super cute and a lot better than the other generic singers they got on this show.
9: Red Panda (danger act) I labeled this as a danger act rather than a acrobatic one, because to me, the danger of what she is doing is what drew me in. I was at the edge of my seat waiting to see if she could pull it off and was not bored once.
8: Duo Resonance(balancing couple) They do have some nice moves, but the build up to those moves took too long.
7: Innovative Force (acrobatics) Good moves, but it was all over the place.
6: Jonathan Allen (opera singer) Was dull, but didn't completely suck.
5: Catapult Entertainment (shadow screen dancers) They did some nice shadow work, but it doesn't mean anything if it doesn't go anywhere. I told better stories with hand shadows featuring a duck and a dog.
4: Dave Finley (singer) This guys voice really sucked tonight and the beatboxing was a joke.
3: Angela Hoover (impressionist) Good impressions, but the material just really drags the whole thing down into a suck hole which there is no escape.
2: Collins Key ("magician") His whole act is incredibly lame. If anyone was impressed by this, I've got a removable thumb trick that will blow their mind. Plus, I can make a wooden pencil look like it's made of rubber. And, the Joker has a nice pencil trick he wants to show you too.
1: Tone the *beep* (crap) What more can be said about this? This act just revealed how much Mel B sucks as a judge, especially when she said this about Red Panda: "I felt like I've seen it before."
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Review for AGT 8/20/13
Grading System: XXXX=Terrible XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent
Let's get this out of the way so I can watch a better show, that being Face Off on SYFY.
VSU Gospel Corral (choir) A church choir. Doing a gospel version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer" Wow, they sounded just like every other churcdh choir I've had the misfortune to listen too. XXXX
Melody (contortionist) A few impressive moves. Nothing to get too excited about. Not until she turn 18 at least. XX
Dave Finley (singer) He wasn't terrible. Which is a lot better than some of the other singers we've seen on the show this year. XX
2Unique (rap crap) This was like watching Yo! MTV Raps JR or something equally as stupid. This was beyond suck. XXXX
Sam Johnson (danger act) Not knowing what he was up made me like this even more. I thought it was a very good stunt. I want to see more from this guy. X
Duo Resonance (balancing couple) The dancing was ok, the couple of balancing moves they did were really good, but nothing about it made me want to see more. Unless the chick got naked. XX
D'Angelo & Amanda (dancers) Not going to lie, I hate these kids. I hate their dancing. I hate their existence. It would not be the worse thing in the world if their feet got ran over by a lawn mower. XXXX
Selena (singer) I was hoping this girl was going to be the breakout singer this year, but she bombed horribly. At least she won't have to worry about a fan club, unlike some other Selena I know about. (and not the one that's pretending to be Justin Bieber's girlfriend) XXX
John Wing (comedian) He didn't make me laugh out loud, but he wasn't terrible either. His material was ok, just wasn't connected to it. XX
Sprice (Rube Goldberg Machine guy) I like this kind of stuff, but it just seems out of place on this show. XX
Ruby & Jonus (dancers) Not going to lie, I hate these kids. I hate their dancing. I hate their existence. It would not be the worse thing in the world if their legs wedged between two cars plowing into each other. XXXX
Catapult Entertainment (shadow dancers) They have great choreography, and the story was neat, but they ruined it by tacking on the Sandy Hook sob story. I hate emotional manipulation. XXX
Let's get this out of the way so I can watch a better show, that being Face Off on SYFY.
VSU Gospel Corral (choir) A church choir. Doing a gospel version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer" Wow, they sounded just like every other churcdh choir I've had the misfortune to listen too. XXXX
Melody (contortionist) A few impressive moves. Nothing to get too excited about. Not until she turn 18 at least. XX
Dave Finley (singer) He wasn't terrible. Which is a lot better than some of the other singers we've seen on the show this year. XX
2Unique (rap crap) This was like watching Yo! MTV Raps JR or something equally as stupid. This was beyond suck. XXXX
Sam Johnson (danger act) Not knowing what he was up made me like this even more. I thought it was a very good stunt. I want to see more from this guy. X
Duo Resonance (balancing couple) The dancing was ok, the couple of balancing moves they did were really good, but nothing about it made me want to see more. Unless the chick got naked. XX
D'Angelo & Amanda (dancers) Not going to lie, I hate these kids. I hate their dancing. I hate their existence. It would not be the worse thing in the world if their feet got ran over by a lawn mower. XXXX
Selena (singer) I was hoping this girl was going to be the breakout singer this year, but she bombed horribly. At least she won't have to worry about a fan club, unlike some other Selena I know about. (and not the one that's pretending to be Justin Bieber's girlfriend) XXX
John Wing (comedian) He didn't make me laugh out loud, but he wasn't terrible either. His material was ok, just wasn't connected to it. XX
Sprice (Rube Goldberg Machine guy) I like this kind of stuff, but it just seems out of place on this show. XX
Ruby & Jonus (dancers) Not going to lie, I hate these kids. I hate their dancing. I hate their existence. It would not be the worse thing in the world if their legs wedged between two cars plowing into each other. XXXX
Catapult Entertainment (shadow dancers) They have great choreography, and the story was neat, but they ruined it by tacking on the Sandy Hook sob story. I hate emotional manipulation. XXX
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
Review for AGT 8/13/13
XXXX=Terrible XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Awesome
3Penny Chorus (choir) I thought they did a nice job with their classical choir rendition of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." I like to hear gimmicky renditions of popular songs, such as the Richard Cheese covers. XX
Side note: The judges blasted them for doing "the same thing" but loved Tone the Dumbass performing the same song over and over again.
Chloe (singer) Another kid singer that sounds fine, but will be nothing special in a few years. And this one just wasn't that good. XXX
Champions Forever (unicyclist family) They rode on unicycles. They did a couple neat things, but this was dull. XXX
Sinsation (3D video mapping dance group) If I wanted to watch TRON, I'd watch TRON. Hell, I've seen people do stuff with glow sticks that was more exciting than this. And I'm not even talking about that stripper. XXX
The Robotix (band) Yay, they know how to perform a song on their instruments. But the singing sucked any chance they had at being a good band. XXX
Timber Brown (acrobat) Finally, something that was interesting to watch. The whole Saturn contraption was a new element and the guy is a great acrobatic performer. X
Cami Bradley (singer) She did a cover of Cher's "Believe" and I hate that song. But Cami here made it sound completely different. It sounded like a decent song. She has a pretty nice voice too. So cheers to her. XX
Tummy Talk (stupid) Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. XXXX
Taylor Williamson (comedian) He had some funny material. He's ok. John Mulaney would wipe the floor with him, but lucky for Taylor here, John is not competing in AGT. XX
Aerial Ice (ice skaters) Same tired dance moves we've seen before. But on ice*.
Dull. XXX
*plastic
David Ferman (danger act) I understood the danger. Was impressed with the juggling of fireballs while upside down. But at no time did I feel the sense of danger. The fictional confrontation between to characters on Breaking Bad this past Sunday was more intense than this real life dangerous situation. XXX
Jimmy Rose (singer) Every rose has its thorn and singing is the the thorn for this Rose. It was just blah. XXX
3Penny Chorus (choir) I thought they did a nice job with their classical choir rendition of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." I like to hear gimmicky renditions of popular songs, such as the Richard Cheese covers. XX
Side note: The judges blasted them for doing "the same thing" but loved Tone the Dumbass performing the same song over and over again.
Chloe (singer) Another kid singer that sounds fine, but will be nothing special in a few years. And this one just wasn't that good. XXX
Champions Forever (unicyclist family) They rode on unicycles. They did a couple neat things, but this was dull. XXX
Sinsation (3D video mapping dance group) If I wanted to watch TRON, I'd watch TRON. Hell, I've seen people do stuff with glow sticks that was more exciting than this. And I'm not even talking about that stripper. XXX
The Robotix (band) Yay, they know how to perform a song on their instruments. But the singing sucked any chance they had at being a good band. XXX
Timber Brown (acrobat) Finally, something that was interesting to watch. The whole Saturn contraption was a new element and the guy is a great acrobatic performer. X
Cami Bradley (singer) She did a cover of Cher's "Believe" and I hate that song. But Cami here made it sound completely different. It sounded like a decent song. She has a pretty nice voice too. So cheers to her. XX
Tummy Talk (stupid) Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. XXXX
Taylor Williamson (comedian) He had some funny material. He's ok. John Mulaney would wipe the floor with him, but lucky for Taylor here, John is not competing in AGT. XX
Aerial Ice (ice skaters) Same tired dance moves we've seen before. But on ice*.
Dull. XXX
*plastic
David Ferman (danger act) I understood the danger. Was impressed with the juggling of fireballs while upside down. But at no time did I feel the sense of danger. The fictional confrontation between to characters on Breaking Bad this past Sunday was more intense than this real life dangerous situation. XXX
Jimmy Rose (singer) Every rose has its thorn and singing is the the thorn for this Rose. It was just blah. XXX
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Review for AGT 8/6/13
LIVE FROM RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL!!!!
XXXX=Terrible XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent
Aerosphere (balloon acrobatics) This was boring. I'm sure it was something to behold there live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, but on TV it was just dull. Yay, she spun around. Whoopity-do. XXX
Chicago Boyz (acrobatics) They had some good moves that really lit up the stage at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, but when it was all said and done, it wasn't that memorable. The Windy City is having a hard time blowing up some dust at the Big Apple. XX
Misti Dancing School (dancers) I love me some Asian chicks. The nicest thing about nailing an Asian chick is the fact that you're horny again 30 minutes later. Anyways, this performance was pretty good. Finally, some dancing at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL that actually looked like art. X
Kelsey and Bailey (dog act) This was cute, but they pretty much did the same routine as the audition. Not good enough for RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXX
Brandan and Savannah (band) Every time I see Brandan, I want to scream out, "Stay gold, Ponyboy!" This band made the right choice to sing Imagine Dragons' "Radioactive" for their first live performance at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, however, that didn't stop them from sounding like crap. They were terrible. The judges are out of their minds. XXXX
Illusionists Leon & Romy (magicians) This was stupid. They tried to do a new spin on an old trick, which came across as retarded. They should have said their magic trick was getting Marty voted through to the next round to sing another crappy song live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXXX
Deanna Gettodachoppa (singer)I don't care about her sob story and I didn't care about this performance. So, I'll take this time to say I am excited to see Peter Capaldi in action as the new Doctor. Fan-fuckin-tastic! Oh yeah, I hope this is the last time we see sob story here at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXXX
The Cobra Guy (danger act) The intesity at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL was heavy as this guy moved around woth a cobra. And that's all he did. Dangerous, sure, but it's just like motor racing, nobody really cares until there is an accident. XXX
Jonathan Allen (opera singer) It was ok. if he doesn't make it through to the next round, I hear Glee has a cast opening. And what better resume than to say you performed live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL! XX
Kinichi Ebena (dancer) When he said "Back To The Future" was the reason he came to America, I knew he had just become my favorite. And RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL finally got a fantastic performance. Leave it to a Japanese dude to incorporate a video game into his dance. This was awesome and worthy of the first Plus rating I have awarded this season. +
Jim Meskimen (impressionist) Why is this guy on this show? Look at this: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002350/ Screw this guy. He shouldn't be at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL period. Not even going to give this guy a rating.
Singing Army Wives (choir) Wow, a choir. They can't harmonize worth a crap. This was just emotional manipulative crap, but the audience at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL ate it up. XXX
XXXX=Terrible XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent
Aerosphere (balloon acrobatics) This was boring. I'm sure it was something to behold there live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, but on TV it was just dull. Yay, she spun around. Whoopity-do. XXX
Chicago Boyz (acrobatics) They had some good moves that really lit up the stage at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, but when it was all said and done, it wasn't that memorable. The Windy City is having a hard time blowing up some dust at the Big Apple. XX
Misti Dancing School (dancers) I love me some Asian chicks. The nicest thing about nailing an Asian chick is the fact that you're horny again 30 minutes later. Anyways, this performance was pretty good. Finally, some dancing at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL that actually looked like art. X
Kelsey and Bailey (dog act) This was cute, but they pretty much did the same routine as the audition. Not good enough for RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXX
Brandan and Savannah (band) Every time I see Brandan, I want to scream out, "Stay gold, Ponyboy!" This band made the right choice to sing Imagine Dragons' "Radioactive" for their first live performance at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, however, that didn't stop them from sounding like crap. They were terrible. The judges are out of their minds. XXXX
Illusionists Leon & Romy (magicians) This was stupid. They tried to do a new spin on an old trick, which came across as retarded. They should have said their magic trick was getting Marty voted through to the next round to sing another crappy song live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXXX
Deanna Gettodachoppa (singer)I don't care about her sob story and I didn't care about this performance. So, I'll take this time to say I am excited to see Peter Capaldi in action as the new Doctor. Fan-fuckin-tastic! Oh yeah, I hope this is the last time we see sob story here at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXXX
The Cobra Guy (danger act) The intesity at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL was heavy as this guy moved around woth a cobra. And that's all he did. Dangerous, sure, but it's just like motor racing, nobody really cares until there is an accident. XXX
Jonathan Allen (opera singer) It was ok. if he doesn't make it through to the next round, I hear Glee has a cast opening. And what better resume than to say you performed live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL! XX
Kinichi Ebena (dancer) When he said "Back To The Future" was the reason he came to America, I knew he had just become my favorite. And RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL finally got a fantastic performance. Leave it to a Japanese dude to incorporate a video game into his dance. This was awesome and worthy of the first Plus rating I have awarded this season. +
Jim Meskimen (impressionist) Why is this guy on this show? Look at this: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002350/ Screw this guy. He shouldn't be at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL period. Not even going to give this guy a rating.
Singing Army Wives (choir) Wow, a choir. They can't harmonize worth a crap. This was just emotional manipulative crap, but the audience at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL ate it up. XXX
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Review for America's Got Talent 7-30-13
Live Shows Round 2. XXXX=Super Sucked XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent
Innovative Force (dancers) They had some good moves here and there, but nothing that really kept me entertained. Unless I was PedoBear. XX
Ciana Pelenki (singer) She sang the Pussy Whipped Anthem aka "Next to Me". I hate that song. This girl is from Hawaii. They filmed LOST in Hawaii. In that show, there were no such things as coincidences. So, it's no coincidence that this girl should go home and get lost. XXX
Alexandr Magala (sword swallower) Here we go. Edge on my seat danger. I was really entertained by this. Only thing that keeps it from a perfect score was the fact that there was no blood. X
Struck Boyz (dancers) Why couldn't these kids have been students at Sandy Hook? I hate these little bastards. It's like they were grown on a douchebag farm. Well, I guess that's what New Jersey is. XXXX
Brad Byers (danger act) This was boring. I've seen to many shows explaining the physics of the bed of nails to be impressed by anyone that implements it in their act. Have him drive over you while laying in broken glass, then we might have a show. XXX
Kid the Wiz (dancer) More like Kid the Whiz cause he took a piss all over that stage with some of the most tepid dancing I have ever seen. Yay, he can flip his hat around. No one cares. XXX
Forte (opera group) This kind of singing isn't my forte, but, I will not deny they had a good sound to them. XX
Angela Hoover (impressionist) It's fitting her name is Hoover, cause damn did she suck. the impressions were ok, but nothing about them were funny. XXX
Dave Shirley (no effing clue) This was beyond stupid. I've had watches from Happy Meals that had better timing this guy. XXXX
Marty "Dave" Brown (singer) Dave Shirley and Angela Hoover should take notes, this is how you do a comedy act! But, unlike those two, this wasn't supposed to be funny. XXX
Aquanuts (swimmers) I love a hot wet chick as much as the next person, but this was just dull. Now, since their goal is to be in Vegas, maybe they should do this act topless. Now that would be entertaining. XX
Tone the Dumbass (rapper) The less said about this crap the better. XXXXXXX
Innovative Force (dancers) They had some good moves here and there, but nothing that really kept me entertained. Unless I was PedoBear. XX
Ciana Pelenki (singer) She sang the Pussy Whipped Anthem aka "Next to Me". I hate that song. This girl is from Hawaii. They filmed LOST in Hawaii. In that show, there were no such things as coincidences. So, it's no coincidence that this girl should go home and get lost. XXX
Alexandr Magala (sword swallower) Here we go. Edge on my seat danger. I was really entertained by this. Only thing that keeps it from a perfect score was the fact that there was no blood. X
Struck Boyz (dancers) Why couldn't these kids have been students at Sandy Hook? I hate these little bastards. It's like they were grown on a douchebag farm. Well, I guess that's what New Jersey is. XXXX
Brad Byers (danger act) This was boring. I've seen to many shows explaining the physics of the bed of nails to be impressed by anyone that implements it in their act. Have him drive over you while laying in broken glass, then we might have a show. XXX
Kid the Wiz (dancer) More like Kid the Whiz cause he took a piss all over that stage with some of the most tepid dancing I have ever seen. Yay, he can flip his hat around. No one cares. XXX
Forte (opera group) This kind of singing isn't my forte, but, I will not deny they had a good sound to them. XX
Angela Hoover (impressionist) It's fitting her name is Hoover, cause damn did she suck. the impressions were ok, but nothing about them were funny. XXX
Dave Shirley (no effing clue) This was beyond stupid. I've had watches from Happy Meals that had better timing this guy. XXXX
Marty "Dave" Brown (singer) Dave Shirley and Angela Hoover should take notes, this is how you do a comedy act! But, unlike those two, this wasn't supposed to be funny. XXX
Aquanuts (swimmers) I love a hot wet chick as much as the next person, but this was just dull. Now, since their goal is to be in Vegas, maybe they should do this act topless. Now that would be entertaining. XX
Tone the Dumbass (rapper) The less said about this crap the better. XXXXXXX
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Review for America's Got Talent 7/23/13
After each performance, I will give a rating. XXXX=Super Sucked. XXX=Pretty Bad. XX=OK. X=Pretty Good. +=Excellent
Anna Christine (singer) This "11 year old" girl reminds me of the movie Orphan http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/ She sang the absolute worst version of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood", a song made famous by The Animals. I understood perfectly. I understood that it sucked.
XXX
Tellavision (dancers) I hate watching people dance. Unless there is some gimmick involved or they are doing some amazing moves. These dances have a gimmick, they dance around with monitors. It's a nice gimmick, but their presentation of it sucks. XXX
American Hitmen (band) They performed "With A Little Help From My Friends" Let's hope it's friendly fire. Just because they fought for America, it doesn't mean they get magical passes. They sounded generic. XXX
Special Head (various) What in the blue hell was this? This was the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It's fitting that Special Ed here lives in a short bus.
XXXX
Fresh Faces (dancers) More stupid dancing. Made worse by the fact that it's a bunch of spoiled brats doing the dancing. They all remind me of JonBenet Ramsey. hopefully, they suffer the same fate. Fingers crossed.
XXX
Collins Key (magician) Wow! This was amazing! He had all 4 judges tweet something different. Then, he pulled a paper out of a box hung in the air, and revealed that he had already written down everything they tweeted! How did he do that? It certainly couldn't have been the "stagehand" in the back that brought out the ladder, which hid the paper that the stagehand used to write down the judges tweets. Certainly not. I got something to put on twitter for him, let's see if he can guess it. #Sucked
XXX
Kevin Downy Jr. (comedian) After this guy performed, I imagined Anthony Jeselnik telling some of these jokes. Only a couple of them were funny. This guy's delivery, and screeching, his body movements are all terrible.
XXX
Aaralyn and Izzy (band) Yep, it's the yelling girl who thinks she's metal. This was really fucking stupid.
XXXX
Alexandria the Great (escape artist) She got into a straight jacket. She got chained up. She went into a locked box full of water. She escaped. This was about as intense as a Dora the Explorer episode. Side Note, her blonde daughter was freakin hot.
XXX
The Kristeff Brothers (balancing act) Impressive stuff. And it was humorous. Best thing on this show thus far.
X
Hype (dancers) More stupid dancing. Same generic moves we see from this type of dance group.
XXX
Brenden James (opera singer) He was actually pretty good. He does have a decent voice on him.
XX
Anna Christine (singer) This "11 year old" girl reminds me of the movie Orphan http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/ She sang the absolute worst version of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood", a song made famous by The Animals. I understood perfectly. I understood that it sucked.
XXX
Tellavision (dancers) I hate watching people dance. Unless there is some gimmick involved or they are doing some amazing moves. These dances have a gimmick, they dance around with monitors. It's a nice gimmick, but their presentation of it sucks. XXX
American Hitmen (band) They performed "With A Little Help From My Friends" Let's hope it's friendly fire. Just because they fought for America, it doesn't mean they get magical passes. They sounded generic. XXX
Special Head (various) What in the blue hell was this? This was the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It's fitting that Special Ed here lives in a short bus.
XXXX
Fresh Faces (dancers) More stupid dancing. Made worse by the fact that it's a bunch of spoiled brats doing the dancing. They all remind me of JonBenet Ramsey. hopefully, they suffer the same fate. Fingers crossed.
XXX
Collins Key (magician) Wow! This was amazing! He had all 4 judges tweet something different. Then, he pulled a paper out of a box hung in the air, and revealed that he had already written down everything they tweeted! How did he do that? It certainly couldn't have been the "stagehand" in the back that brought out the ladder, which hid the paper that the stagehand used to write down the judges tweets. Certainly not. I got something to put on twitter for him, let's see if he can guess it. #Sucked
XXX
Kevin Downy Jr. (comedian) After this guy performed, I imagined Anthony Jeselnik telling some of these jokes. Only a couple of them were funny. This guy's delivery, and screeching, his body movements are all terrible.
XXX
Aaralyn and Izzy (band) Yep, it's the yelling girl who thinks she's metal. This was really fucking stupid.
XXXX
Alexandria the Great (escape artist) She got into a straight jacket. She got chained up. She went into a locked box full of water. She escaped. This was about as intense as a Dora the Explorer episode. Side Note, her blonde daughter was freakin hot.
XXX
The Kristeff Brothers (balancing act) Impressive stuff. And it was humorous. Best thing on this show thus far.
X
Hype (dancers) More stupid dancing. Same generic moves we see from this type of dance group.
XXX
Brenden James (opera singer) He was actually pretty good. He does have a decent voice on him.
XX
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Done with American Idol reviews.
Angie's elimination was the final nail in the coffin for this show. Fuck you American Idol.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Review for American Idol Top 3 5/8/13
Nicki has more wigs than Mrs. Slocombe from "Are You Being Served?"
JIMMY'S PICKS
Kree: She sang P!nk's "Perfect." This performance was anything but. Kree, should think you are less than perfect, cause you are f'ing boring to me.
Candice: She sang U2's "One." Actually she sang the Mary J Blige cover. But here's the truth: U2 is one of the best bands the world has ever seen. It is a sacrilege for one of their songs to be spout out of the mouth of this foul creature.
Angie: Sang Elton John's "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word."It's fitting that her name is Angela, cause she was downright angelic during this performance. We don't need a finale, crown Angie as the champ right now.
JUDGE'S PICKS + Home Town Welcome
Candice: Her home town visit was predictably cliched. However, in an ironic twist, we got to see Candice ride a moped. She visited her poor, huge family, went to her church, and pretended like the town was at her concert to see her, instead of the free hot dogs.
Speaking of predictable, she sang like crap.
Angie: She got the hometown welcome she deserved. She went back to Massachusetts, and Angie was the beacon of light that a place recently touched by such terrible darkness desperately needed. She may not be the singer Boston deserves, but she is the one it needs right now.
She sang P!nk's "Try." Do or do not, there is no try.And Angie did it. She nailed this one. Call NASA, there is a star being born right before our eyes.
Kree: Before her video package, Ryan tried to interview her. Kree's voice is so bad, that when she began to talk, her mic screamed out in protest. They really tried to play up the emotional factor with her home visit. Kree is an orphan, but you could tell she didn't care at all that her parents were dead. Just as long as she could exploit it. And exploit it she did.
I didn't know the song the judges picked for her, but I know this: this performance opened up new levels of hatred I didn't know I had within me. If I was eating some McDonald's and I saw Kree crawling out of a house yelling out "Help me!", I would push her back inside.
PRODUCER'S PICKS
The showed this season's eliminated Top Ten members. Paul Jolley injured his hand jerking off Lazaro.
Angie: She's the best. Period. Definitely one of the top 5 Idols of all time.
Kree: When I was 8 years old, I once went over to a friends house. His father was feeding some tree limbs into a wood chipper. We were playing with my friend's dog, throwing a Frisbee around. My friend threw it and a gust of wind caught it, blowing towards his father. The dog took chase and ran into the father. He stumbled and his arm went into the wood chipper. He manged to stop it and pulled out what was left of his arm. It was a bloody, torn up mess. You could barely see the bone through the ragged flesh and cloth. But that's not what was horrifying to me. What has stayed with me all these years was the screams. The father's screams. My friends screams. My screams. Those screams haunt my dreams and have me waking up in a cold sweat.
But, compared to Kree's singing, those screams are music to my ears.
Candice: Wow, this song really proved something: Candice is going home tomorrow.
JIMMY'S PICKS
Kree: She sang P!nk's "Perfect." This performance was anything but. Kree, should think you are less than perfect, cause you are f'ing boring to me.
Candice: She sang U2's "One." Actually she sang the Mary J Blige cover. But here's the truth: U2 is one of the best bands the world has ever seen. It is a sacrilege for one of their songs to be spout out of the mouth of this foul creature.
Angie: Sang Elton John's "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word."It's fitting that her name is Angela, cause she was downright angelic during this performance. We don't need a finale, crown Angie as the champ right now.
JUDGE'S PICKS + Home Town Welcome
Candice: Her home town visit was predictably cliched. However, in an ironic twist, we got to see Candice ride a moped. She visited her poor, huge family, went to her church, and pretended like the town was at her concert to see her, instead of the free hot dogs.
Speaking of predictable, she sang like crap.
Angie: She got the hometown welcome she deserved. She went back to Massachusetts, and Angie was the beacon of light that a place recently touched by such terrible darkness desperately needed. She may not be the singer Boston deserves, but she is the one it needs right now.
She sang P!nk's "Try." Do or do not, there is no try.And Angie did it. She nailed this one. Call NASA, there is a star being born right before our eyes.
Kree: Before her video package, Ryan tried to interview her. Kree's voice is so bad, that when she began to talk, her mic screamed out in protest. They really tried to play up the emotional factor with her home visit. Kree is an orphan, but you could tell she didn't care at all that her parents were dead. Just as long as she could exploit it. And exploit it she did.
I didn't know the song the judges picked for her, but I know this: this performance opened up new levels of hatred I didn't know I had within me. If I was eating some McDonald's and I saw Kree crawling out of a house yelling out "Help me!", I would push her back inside.
PRODUCER'S PICKS
The showed this season's eliminated Top Ten members. Paul Jolley injured his hand jerking off Lazaro.
Angie: She's the best. Period. Definitely one of the top 5 Idols of all time.
Kree: When I was 8 years old, I once went over to a friends house. His father was feeding some tree limbs into a wood chipper. We were playing with my friend's dog, throwing a Frisbee around. My friend threw it and a gust of wind caught it, blowing towards his father. The dog took chase and ran into the father. He stumbled and his arm went into the wood chipper. He manged to stop it and pulled out what was left of his arm. It was a bloody, torn up mess. You could barely see the bone through the ragged flesh and cloth. But that's not what was horrifying to me. What has stayed with me all these years was the screams. The father's screams. My friends screams. My screams. Those screams haunt my dreams and have me waking up in a cold sweat.
But, compared to Kree's singing, those screams are music to my ears.
Candice: Wow, this song really proved something: Candice is going home tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Review for American Idol Top 4 Deja Vu 5/1/13
Nicki came out trying to look like Cleopatra. I
think it worked. I definitely wanted to bury her in a tomb under 100
tons of rock.
Harry Connick Jr. is mentoring again. Good, he was one of my favorites.
Songs from the Year: This One (and last year too, I guess)
Angie: She sang "Diamonds" by Rihanna. I hate this song. However, Angie did to this song what Chris Brown does to Rihanna, she hit it out of the park. Angie made it sound like a decent song, instead of some ghetto grunting. Angie just keeps on looking better every episode.
Amber: Sang P!nk's "Just Give Me A Reason." I wish Amber gave me a reason, a reason to enjoy this performance. If anyone claims Amber is "the bomb", they must mean one from North Korea, cause Amber is a dud.
Candice: Speaking of Deja Vu, she sang Bruno Mars' "I Used To Be A Man." or something like that. Doesn't matter what it was, cause every song she sings sounds exactly the same.
Kree: Sang Carrie Underwood's newest single. She was singing in front of the Eye of Sauron, which made me wish Frodo would come along and drop her into Mount Doom.
The "Standards"
Angie: This song was weird, but Angie sang it like a champ. My god in Hell, she is gorgeous. I'd watch the whole Twilight series for just one night with her.
Amber: Harry made Amber look like a total retard when asking her what the song meant. It was great. After her terrible performance was over, the camera caught her father out in the audience. He was crying, cause she disappointed him so much. Seeing this gave me a great name for Amber's performances: An Ambortion.
Candice: Harry told her to just the sing the song, like a normal singer would. She got about halfway through the song until she went back to her old tricks.
Kree: "Knock! Knock!" "Who's there?" "Kree." "Kree who?" "Exactly"
They did some group performance which was ho-hum. But Amber was wearing the great jeans and there were two incredibly hot redheads out there dancing with them.
Gawd, I love redheads.
Harry Connick Jr. is mentoring again. Good, he was one of my favorites.
Songs from the Year: This One (and last year too, I guess)
Angie: She sang "Diamonds" by Rihanna. I hate this song. However, Angie did to this song what Chris Brown does to Rihanna, she hit it out of the park. Angie made it sound like a decent song, instead of some ghetto grunting. Angie just keeps on looking better every episode.
Amber: Sang P!nk's "Just Give Me A Reason." I wish Amber gave me a reason, a reason to enjoy this performance. If anyone claims Amber is "the bomb", they must mean one from North Korea, cause Amber is a dud.
Candice: Speaking of Deja Vu, she sang Bruno Mars' "I Used To Be A Man." or something like that. Doesn't matter what it was, cause every song she sings sounds exactly the same.
Kree: Sang Carrie Underwood's newest single. She was singing in front of the Eye of Sauron, which made me wish Frodo would come along and drop her into Mount Doom.
The "Standards"
Angie: This song was weird, but Angie sang it like a champ. My god in Hell, she is gorgeous. I'd watch the whole Twilight series for just one night with her.
Amber: Harry made Amber look like a total retard when asking her what the song meant. It was great. After her terrible performance was over, the camera caught her father out in the audience. He was crying, cause she disappointed him so much. Seeing this gave me a great name for Amber's performances: An Ambortion.
Candice: Harry told her to just the sing the song, like a normal singer would. She got about halfway through the song until she went back to her old tricks.
Kree: "Knock! Knock!" "Who's there?" "Kree." "Kree who?" "Exactly"
They did some group performance which was ho-hum. But Amber was wearing the great jeans and there were two incredibly hot redheads out there dancing with them.
Gawd, I love redheads.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Review for American Idol The Final Four 4/24/13
SINGER'S CHOICE
The girls visited some children's hospital. Nothing more uplifting than seeing a bunch kids who are about to die.
Amber: Sang Celine Dion's "The Power of Love" She did a great job.....Of copying Celine Dion.
Candice: Sang some song by a guy called Drake. Whoever that is. Only one of the following statements is not true: 1. She sucked. 2. She didn't sing over the top this time.
Kree: She got to sing to a baby born prematurely. Another reason for that kid to wish it was still inside the womb. She sang a song called "It Hurts So Bad." My ears couldn't agree more.
Angie: She has the power to make children look almost adorable. Hell, I think I'd suspend "Won't do chicks with kids" rule for her, if she had one. And let's thank King Herod she doesn't. My god she was incredible tonight.
DUETS
Amber & Kree: They sang Adele's "Rumor Has It." Overrated song led to an underwhelming performance.
Angie & Candice: They were great. Well Angie was. Candice should thank the producers they let her sing with Angie, who carried her throughout the whole song.
ONE HIT WONDERS
Amber sang Dumbledore's "MacArthur Park." I wish Dumbledore had been around to put a Memory Charm on me so I'd forget this performance. This was terrible. She should have sang Weird Al's "Jurassic Park." That song was a parody and this performance was a joke.
Candice: Sucked. I'd rather be hide in a boat with a Boston Bomber than listen to this again.
Kree: Sang "Whiter Shade of Pale." This performance was a duller shade of boring.
Angie: Everything about this was perfection. Her voice, her looks, the song, the atmosphere. If she walked in on a funeral for one of my parents and told me to take her right then and there, I would do her right on top of the casket.
The girls visited some children's hospital. Nothing more uplifting than seeing a bunch kids who are about to die.
Amber: Sang Celine Dion's "The Power of Love" She did a great job.....Of copying Celine Dion.
Candice: Sang some song by a guy called Drake. Whoever that is. Only one of the following statements is not true: 1. She sucked. 2. She didn't sing over the top this time.
Kree: She got to sing to a baby born prematurely. Another reason for that kid to wish it was still inside the womb. She sang a song called "It Hurts So Bad." My ears couldn't agree more.
Angie: She has the power to make children look almost adorable. Hell, I think I'd suspend "Won't do chicks with kids" rule for her, if she had one. And let's thank King Herod she doesn't. My god she was incredible tonight.
DUETS
Amber & Kree: They sang Adele's "Rumor Has It." Overrated song led to an underwhelming performance.
Angie & Candice: They were great. Well Angie was. Candice should thank the producers they let her sing with Angie, who carried her throughout the whole song.
ONE HIT WONDERS
Amber sang Dumbledore's "MacArthur Park." I wish Dumbledore had been around to put a Memory Charm on me so I'd forget this performance. This was terrible. She should have sang Weird Al's "Jurassic Park." That song was a parody and this performance was a joke.
Candice: Sucked. I'd rather be hide in a boat with a Boston Bomber than listen to this again.
Kree: Sang "Whiter Shade of Pale." This performance was a duller shade of boring.
Angie: Everything about this was perfection. Her voice, her looks, the song, the atmosphere. If she walked in on a funeral for one of my parents and told me to take her right then and there, I would do her right on top of the casket.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Review for American Idol Top 5 4/17/13
I still think a guy might win.
SONGS FROM THE BIRTH YEAR
Candice: Sang "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. She gave the song this jazzy, lounge singer twist to it. It was horrible. Save the lounge singer cover versions to someone that can pull it off, like Richard Cheese.
Janelle: Sang some Vince Gill song. Her parents said that hearing Vince Gill made her stop crying when she was a baby. If my parents tried that when I was a baby, I would have grabbed the cord from the Venetian Blinds we had on our windows, wrapped it around my neck, and threw myself over the side of the crib. Incidentally, this performance made me want to grab a Venetian blind cord.
Kree: She would be a knockout if she lost some pounds. She should run in a marathon, she'd be guaranteed to lose some weight. Especially in the legs. She sang The Black Crowes' "She Talks To Angels" It sucked.
Angie: I love her. She looked downright gorgeous tonight. However, she sang The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You." That song should never be touched again after Pia Toscano sang it perfectly on Idol a few years back. Angie did make it sound good though.
Amber: Sang the Mariah Carey version of Harry Nilsson's "Without You." While watching this, the power in my house went of for a few seconds from the storm outside. Not even Mother Nature could stand listening to this crap.
SONGS BY DIVAS
Candice: Sang some song Mariah and Whitney did together. I think it was called, "Let's Do Some Cocaine" or something like that. This performance was the over-the-top Mariah/Whitney wannabe crap we've come to expect from Yahtzee (get it?) here.
Janelle: Sang a Dolly Parton song. Of course. It was called "Dumb Blond." Never has there been a more fitting song.
Kree: She sang a Celine Dion song. And what is the rule for singing a Celine Dion song? DON'T DO IT! It's like watching a 2-bit birthday party magician trying to perform the magic of Houdini. Kree blew it.
Angie: Sang Beyonce's "Halo." Never been a fan of the Beyonce, but Angie made this song sound great. I would do her in so many ways, they'd be able to write a sequel to the Kama Sutra.
Amber: She sang Barbra Steisand's "What Are You Doing With The Rest Of Your Life." Well, one of the answers to that question is: Never listening to Amber after Idol is over.
SONGS FROM THE BIRTH YEAR
Candice: Sang "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. She gave the song this jazzy, lounge singer twist to it. It was horrible. Save the lounge singer cover versions to someone that can pull it off, like Richard Cheese.
Janelle: Sang some Vince Gill song. Her parents said that hearing Vince Gill made her stop crying when she was a baby. If my parents tried that when I was a baby, I would have grabbed the cord from the Venetian Blinds we had on our windows, wrapped it around my neck, and threw myself over the side of the crib. Incidentally, this performance made me want to grab a Venetian blind cord.
Kree: She would be a knockout if she lost some pounds. She should run in a marathon, she'd be guaranteed to lose some weight. Especially in the legs. She sang The Black Crowes' "She Talks To Angels" It sucked.
Angie: I love her. She looked downright gorgeous tonight. However, she sang The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You." That song should never be touched again after Pia Toscano sang it perfectly on Idol a few years back. Angie did make it sound good though.
Amber: Sang the Mariah Carey version of Harry Nilsson's "Without You." While watching this, the power in my house went of for a few seconds from the storm outside. Not even Mother Nature could stand listening to this crap.
SONGS BY DIVAS
Candice: Sang some song Mariah and Whitney did together. I think it was called, "Let's Do Some Cocaine" or something like that. This performance was the over-the-top Mariah/Whitney wannabe crap we've come to expect from Yahtzee (get it?) here.
Janelle: Sang a Dolly Parton song. Of course. It was called "Dumb Blond." Never has there been a more fitting song.
Kree: She sang a Celine Dion song. And what is the rule for singing a Celine Dion song? DON'T DO IT! It's like watching a 2-bit birthday party magician trying to perform the magic of Houdini. Kree blew it.
Angie: Sang Beyonce's "Halo." Never been a fan of the Beyonce, but Angie made this song sound great. I would do her in so many ways, they'd be able to write a sequel to the Kama Sutra.
Amber: She sang Barbra Steisand's "What Are You Doing With The Rest Of Your Life." Well, one of the answers to that question is: Never listening to Amber after Idol is over.
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Review for American Idol 4/10/13
Theme 1: Songs written by a couple of dead guys.
Angie: She sang a song I wasn't familiar with. Nevertheless, She looked and sounded great, but you don't really need me to tell you that. I'd let her pee on me.
Amber: She told some disgusting story about how she likes to eat frozen shrimp. Right now, Burnell has locked himself inside of a storage freezer. I'll give her this, she looked great, but she sounded dull as hell. After the judges gave their useless critiques, Ryan joked about Paul and Devin being gay. Ryan can be really good sometimes.
Lazaro: This performance proved there is no god.
Kree: Anthony Hopkins was in the audience tonight. That made me think of Silence of the Lambs. Kree's performance made me think of Buffalo Bill's pit in SOTL and how I wish Kree were down in it. It puts the lotion on the skin...
Janelle: Sang some crappy song with her crappy country twang. She should thank her lucky stars she is attractive, when she isn't talking or singing that is.
Candice: This performance got a standing O. The O stands for "Overrated."
Theme 2: Songs The Contestants Wished They Had Wrote.
Angie: Again, sang I song I didn't know. Despite the religious tones of the song, she did very well, of course. She sang it with such grace. I would let her tie me up and paddle me.
Amber: Just declared Burnell to be in the friendzone. Poor bastard. This crappy song she sang should have never got in action either.
Lazaro: It's storming out right now. This performance made me want t grab a golf club and go stand out in the middle of the yard. If Porky Pig here does not get eliminated tomorrow, then not only does it prove there is no god, but it also proves there is no justice in this world.
Kree: Adele Wynette here sang another slow song. BORING.
Janelle: Sang a sappy Garth Brooks song. Enough said.
Candice: She sang The Cure's "Love Song." She should have been wearing an apron, cause she butchered it. So many over the top notes and moments, she could have sang any song this way. It was cookie cutter diva singing. Hell, you could hear Satan himself groan at this performance.
Angie: She sang a song I wasn't familiar with. Nevertheless, She looked and sounded great, but you don't really need me to tell you that. I'd let her pee on me.
Amber: She told some disgusting story about how she likes to eat frozen shrimp. Right now, Burnell has locked himself inside of a storage freezer. I'll give her this, she looked great, but she sounded dull as hell. After the judges gave their useless critiques, Ryan joked about Paul and Devin being gay. Ryan can be really good sometimes.
Lazaro: This performance proved there is no god.
Kree: Anthony Hopkins was in the audience tonight. That made me think of Silence of the Lambs. Kree's performance made me think of Buffalo Bill's pit in SOTL and how I wish Kree were down in it. It puts the lotion on the skin...
Janelle: Sang some crappy song with her crappy country twang. She should thank her lucky stars she is attractive, when she isn't talking or singing that is.
Candice: This performance got a standing O. The O stands for "Overrated."
Theme 2: Songs The Contestants Wished They Had Wrote.
Angie: Again, sang I song I didn't know. Despite the religious tones of the song, she did very well, of course. She sang it with such grace. I would let her tie me up and paddle me.
Amber: Just declared Burnell to be in the friendzone. Poor bastard. This crappy song she sang should have never got in action either.
Lazaro: It's storming out right now. This performance made me want t grab a golf club and go stand out in the middle of the yard. If Porky Pig here does not get eliminated tomorrow, then not only does it prove there is no god, but it also proves there is no justice in this world.
Kree: Adele Wynette here sang another slow song. BORING.
Janelle: Sang a sappy Garth Brooks song. Enough said.
Candice: She sang The Cure's "Love Song." She should have been wearing an apron, cause she butchered it. So many over the top notes and moments, she could have sang any song this way. It was cookie cutter diva singing. Hell, you could hear Satan himself groan at this performance.
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Review for American Idol 4/3/13
Rock and Droll Night
Side Note: Watching "The Voice" at the beginning of the week and watching "Idol" the day after, reminded me of my viewing experience this past Sunday. I watched the fantastic season3 premiere of "Game of Thrones" then I watched the disappointing season finale of "The Walking Dead." Watching the superior show before the inferior one just makes the inferior one suck even more.
Allons-y!
They did the "contestants make fun of the next singer' video packages tonight. For Burnell's they all made fun of the way he talked. If only they had done that for Lazaro.
Burnell: He sang Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name." Well, Burnell gives music a bad name. This guy can't sing worth crap. This song exposed just how bad he sings. Also, Burnie once again wasn't familiar with the very popular song he chose to sing. I was beginning to wonder what rock he lived under, but I remembered it doesn't matter, since it got washed away when Katrina hit.
Lazaro and Angie sang Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Angie was great, of course, but Lazaro was so bad, that I hope like hell he dies of Freddie Mercury Poison, aka AIDS.
Kree: She sang Janis Joplin's "Little Piece of My Heart." Nicki likes to call her "Kreedom." Well, Kreedom is just another word for I hope this chick is going to lose.
Burnell and Candice sang "The Letter." I've got a letter for them: F
Janelle: She sang my favorite Billy Joel song of all time, "You May Be Right." And of course, she made it sound country. I hope she gets ran over by a tractor.
Lazaro: The contestants talked about how gay he is. Speaking of, he decided to sing another Queen song, this time it was "We Are The Champions." If Spazaro here is a champion, I'd hate to hear what the loser sounds like. This guy is crap. Also, he sweats likes a Priest in a pre-school.
Amber, Janelle, and Kree sang together. If you were to tell me I was going to watch a threesome with three attractive women in it and it was boring, I would have called you a liar. But then I watched this.
Candice: She sang The Rollings Stones classic "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." When I listen to her sing, neither can I.
Amber: She sang Heart's "What About Love." She should have sang "Never." My apologies, I got that last sentence wrong, she should have never sang.
Angie: Sang "Bring Me To Life." And that's exactly what she did, after this dull ass show, she brought me back to life with her performance. Looked and sounded spectacular. Saved the best for last.
Side Note: Watching "The Voice" at the beginning of the week and watching "Idol" the day after, reminded me of my viewing experience this past Sunday. I watched the fantastic season3 premiere of "Game of Thrones" then I watched the disappointing season finale of "The Walking Dead." Watching the superior show before the inferior one just makes the inferior one suck even more.
Allons-y!
They did the "contestants make fun of the next singer' video packages tonight. For Burnell's they all made fun of the way he talked. If only they had done that for Lazaro.
Burnell: He sang Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name." Well, Burnell gives music a bad name. This guy can't sing worth crap. This song exposed just how bad he sings. Also, Burnie once again wasn't familiar with the very popular song he chose to sing. I was beginning to wonder what rock he lived under, but I remembered it doesn't matter, since it got washed away when Katrina hit.
Lazaro and Angie sang Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Angie was great, of course, but Lazaro was so bad, that I hope like hell he dies of Freddie Mercury Poison, aka AIDS.
Kree: She sang Janis Joplin's "Little Piece of My Heart." Nicki likes to call her "Kreedom." Well, Kreedom is just another word for I hope this chick is going to lose.
Burnell and Candice sang "The Letter." I've got a letter for them: F
Janelle: She sang my favorite Billy Joel song of all time, "You May Be Right." And of course, she made it sound country. I hope she gets ran over by a tractor.
Lazaro: The contestants talked about how gay he is. Speaking of, he decided to sing another Queen song, this time it was "We Are The Champions." If Spazaro here is a champion, I'd hate to hear what the loser sounds like. This guy is crap. Also, he sweats likes a Priest in a pre-school.
Amber, Janelle, and Kree sang together. If you were to tell me I was going to watch a threesome with three attractive women in it and it was boring, I would have called you a liar. But then I watched this.
Candice: She sang The Rollings Stones classic "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." When I listen to her sing, neither can I.
Amber: She sang Heart's "What About Love." She should have sang "Never." My apologies, I got that last sentence wrong, she should have never sang.
Angie: Sang "Bring Me To Life." And that's exactly what she did, after this dull ass show, she brought me back to life with her performance. Looked and sounded spectacular. Saved the best for last.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Review for American Idol 3/27/13
Candice: this week's mentor, Smokey Robinson, said
Candice made him cry last week with her performance. She said she hoped
she could do it again. Well, I think she did make Smokey cry, but from
disappointment.
Janelle & Kree sang a country version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer." I prayed to the god I don't believe it that I never hear anything like this again.
Lazaro: Stuttering Latino Shia LaBouf once again proved that someone can overcome a speech impediment by singing, but still not be any good at it. SUCKED.
Janelle: Sang a slow version of The Supremes' "Keep Me Hanging On." It was probably her best performance yet, but that isn't saying much.
Devin: Sang "The Tracks of My Tears" in honor of his AI boyfriend Paul Jolley, whom was eliminated last week. He shouldn't worry to much though, he'll probably be reunited with Paul this week.
Amber, Candice, and Angie: Angie is INCREDIBLE! The other two, who cares? Angie is pure sex. I'd lick pudding out of her ass.
Burnell: If music was a baby, then Burnie here would be Casey Anthony.
Angie: PERFECTION. Everything about this performance made me horny as hell. I'd go to church with this chick just a chance to get to 3rd base.
Amber: Ok, she looked and sounded pretty good. However, I have an ex named Amber, so as far as I'm concerned, anyone with that name is trash.
The 3 Stooges sang "I Can't Help Myself." Let me let you in on something. I'm a psychopath. I lack empathy. I can identify the feeling of others, but I have difficulty feeling the feelings of others. But, after this performance, I think I now know exactly how those kids at Sandy Hook Elementary School felt that fateful day. I think hearing this performance is going to give me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Kree: I hope she gets eliminated in a shocker. Angie is the Queen.
Janelle & Kree sang a country version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer." I prayed to the god I don't believe it that I never hear anything like this again.
Lazaro: Stuttering Latino Shia LaBouf once again proved that someone can overcome a speech impediment by singing, but still not be any good at it. SUCKED.
Janelle: Sang a slow version of The Supremes' "Keep Me Hanging On." It was probably her best performance yet, but that isn't saying much.
Devin: Sang "The Tracks of My Tears" in honor of his AI boyfriend Paul Jolley, whom was eliminated last week. He shouldn't worry to much though, he'll probably be reunited with Paul this week.
Amber, Candice, and Angie: Angie is INCREDIBLE! The other two, who cares? Angie is pure sex. I'd lick pudding out of her ass.
Burnell: If music was a baby, then Burnie here would be Casey Anthony.
Angie: PERFECTION. Everything about this performance made me horny as hell. I'd go to church with this chick just a chance to get to 3rd base.
Amber: Ok, she looked and sounded pretty good. However, I have an ex named Amber, so as far as I'm concerned, anyone with that name is trash.
The 3 Stooges sang "I Can't Help Myself." Let me let you in on something. I'm a psychopath. I lack empathy. I can identify the feeling of others, but I have difficulty feeling the feelings of others. But, after this performance, I think I now know exactly how those kids at Sandy Hook Elementary School felt that fateful day. I think hearing this performance is going to give me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Kree: I hope she gets eliminated in a shocker. Angie is the Queen.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Review for America Idol 3/20/13
Beatles Night. Thank Gawd Lennon isn't alive to see this.
Oh look, Nikki is still here. I am truly surprised.
Charlie gets denied his Idol dream yet again. Looks like his brains are going to be Askewed all over the wall.
Kree: Orphan Girl sang "With A Little Help From My Friends." It's fitting that the first line is "What would you do if I sang out of tune?" Well, the answer Kree, is fast forward through the rest of your performance. I believe she secretly thanks her god her parents are dead, since they named her Kree.
Burnell: I hope Paul McCartney isn't watching this, cause if he is, we'll be down to just Ringo cause Paul will have died from a heart attack. This guy sucks.
Amber: I'll give her this: she filled out that dress quite nicely. What wasn't nice, was her performance. A baby left alone in a tub for half an hour had more life in it than this performance.
Lazaro: He should have sang "Life Goes On." That would have been hilarious. But, we get a song that sounds just like every song he has sang thus far. He sucks. He's getting by on sympathy votes, and if his reactions to the judges criticism tonight is any indication, he cannot handle this competition.
Candice: Meh.
Paul: He sucks. And I'm not talking about his sexual habits.
Angie: She looked SPECTACULAR tonight! If I was her brother, I'd do everything I could to "accidently" walk in on her taking a shower. Hell, the mom too. She is a bright candle in a void of talentless hacks.
Devin: Ryan said this kid runs a tight ship with the other contestants. Well, with Paul at least. He sucks.
Janelle: She is quite the hottie herself, but she's country, so it's automatic suck.
Oh look, Nikki is still here. I am truly surprised.
Charlie gets denied his Idol dream yet again. Looks like his brains are going to be Askewed all over the wall.
Kree: Orphan Girl sang "With A Little Help From My Friends." It's fitting that the first line is "What would you do if I sang out of tune?" Well, the answer Kree, is fast forward through the rest of your performance. I believe she secretly thanks her god her parents are dead, since they named her Kree.
Burnell: I hope Paul McCartney isn't watching this, cause if he is, we'll be down to just Ringo cause Paul will have died from a heart attack. This guy sucks.
Amber: I'll give her this: she filled out that dress quite nicely. What wasn't nice, was her performance. A baby left alone in a tub for half an hour had more life in it than this performance.
Lazaro: He should have sang "Life Goes On." That would have been hilarious. But, we get a song that sounds just like every song he has sang thus far. He sucks. He's getting by on sympathy votes, and if his reactions to the judges criticism tonight is any indication, he cannot handle this competition.
Candice: Meh.
Paul: He sucks. And I'm not talking about his sexual habits.
Angie: She looked SPECTACULAR tonight! If I was her brother, I'd do everything I could to "accidently" walk in on her taking a shower. Hell, the mom too. She is a bright candle in a void of talentless hacks.
Devin: Ryan said this kid runs a tight ship with the other contestants. Well, with Paul at least. He sucks.
Janelle: She is quite the hottie herself, but she's country, so it's automatic suck.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Review for American Idol 3/12/13
Nicki was running late. I know I'm not the only one who was hoping for a fatal car accident.
Curtis: One of the worst contestants this season is singing a song by one of the worst winners. He sucks. He's going to be another one of these jackasses who sings every song, the exact same way. I want to punch him.
Janelle: She was looking good tonight. And she sang one of the few country songs I can tolerate. But the whole performance was flatter than a pre-schooler in a steamroller accident.
Devan: This was "Watching Grass Grow With Your Host Charlie Rose" on PBS boring. I've had my feet fallen asleep before, but never my ears. He sucks.
Nicki is wearing a hoodie. Where's George Zimmerman when you need him?
Angie: Gawd, she is beautiful. Absolutely amazing. And her voice is incredible. The definite front runner. And gawd damn is she HOT!
Paul: During his interview, he said "I need to get my stuff straight." That was good for a laugh. Anyways, I had to get up and piss when he started singing. I didn't bother to pause or rewind, but from what I heard down the hall, the piss splashing the water (and occasionally the floor) sounded better than this jerkoff.
Candice: Meh.
Lazaro: I was right, the interviews with Porky Pig here are painful. Every time he performs, I'm reminded of this scene from American Pie 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEDeIvU1si8
Kree: She looks like the actress who looks like Drew Barrymore. She put a country spin on Roy Orbinson's classic "Crying." Screw you Kree! I hope the Skrulls destroy you!
Burnell: Gawd, he sucks. No wonder Mother Nature tried to kill him off with Katrina.
Amber: Terrible. If it wasn't for Angie, this whole season would not be worth it.
SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: No one sang a Lee Dewyze song!
Curtis: One of the worst contestants this season is singing a song by one of the worst winners. He sucks. He's going to be another one of these jackasses who sings every song, the exact same way. I want to punch him.
Janelle: She was looking good tonight. And she sang one of the few country songs I can tolerate. But the whole performance was flatter than a pre-schooler in a steamroller accident.
Devan: This was "Watching Grass Grow With Your Host Charlie Rose" on PBS boring. I've had my feet fallen asleep before, but never my ears. He sucks.
Nicki is wearing a hoodie. Where's George Zimmerman when you need him?
Angie: Gawd, she is beautiful. Absolutely amazing. And her voice is incredible. The definite front runner. And gawd damn is she HOT!
Paul: During his interview, he said "I need to get my stuff straight." That was good for a laugh. Anyways, I had to get up and piss when he started singing. I didn't bother to pause or rewind, but from what I heard down the hall, the piss splashing the water (and occasionally the floor) sounded better than this jerkoff.
Candice: Meh.
Lazaro: I was right, the interviews with Porky Pig here are painful. Every time he performs, I'm reminded of this scene from American Pie 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEDeIvU1si8
Kree: She looks like the actress who looks like Drew Barrymore. She put a country spin on Roy Orbinson's classic "Crying." Screw you Kree! I hope the Skrulls destroy you!
Burnell: Gawd, he sucks. No wonder Mother Nature tried to kill him off with Katrina.
Amber: Terrible. If it wasn't for Angie, this whole season would not be worth it.
SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: No one sang a Lee Dewyze song!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
American Idol Top 10 Boys Season 12 Review
This was all done on Twitter, so the statements are short and sweet.
Elijah:
We got some Ritchie Valens/Rufio looking jerk up first. He sucks.
Rufio Valens looks like he's got a shit stain in his hair.
Cortez:
Cortez is singing "Kicked Out Of Heaven". dont worry, I'm sure they have a nice place for you in Hell. He sucks.
Charlie:
This Charlie kid seems like a bad character out of a David Lynch wannabe movie. He sucks.
Oy vey, he's crying now. Fishing for votes.
Nick:
This guy looks like a Hipster Observer from Fringe. He's singing "Iris" and it sucks.
Burnell:
This Burnell kid looks like a cross between Malcolm X and Steve Urkel. He sucks.
Paul:
This Paul guy is boring. And he's gay. Gay people are not supposed to be boring. Sucks.
Lazaro:
These interviews with Stuttering Bill are excruciating. Where's Pennywise when you need him? Oh yeah, (Lazaro) sucks.
Curtis:
I hate Curtis Finch Jr. Hate everything he represents. He doesn't just suck, he's a black hole for all things good.
Hate the fact the judges try to pass him off as the Jesus of singing competitions. This is #AmericanIdol not a church.
Devin:
This bland guy is singing half his song in Spanish. What a fantastic way to make me not vote for him.
Vincent:
This Vincent guy looks like Randy's younger brother. When he isn't squealing like a girl, he sounds generic.
Elijah:
We got some Ritchie Valens/Rufio looking jerk up first. He sucks.
Rufio Valens looks like he's got a shit stain in his hair.
Cortez:
Cortez is singing "Kicked Out Of Heaven". dont worry, I'm sure they have a nice place for you in Hell. He sucks.
Charlie:
This Charlie kid seems like a bad character out of a David Lynch wannabe movie. He sucks.
Oy vey, he's crying now. Fishing for votes.
Nick:
This guy looks like a Hipster Observer from Fringe. He's singing "Iris" and it sucks.
Burnell:
This Burnell kid looks like a cross between Malcolm X and Steve Urkel. He sucks.
Paul:
This Paul guy is boring. And he's gay. Gay people are not supposed to be boring. Sucks.
Lazaro:
These interviews with Stuttering Bill are excruciating. Where's Pennywise when you need him? Oh yeah, (Lazaro) sucks.
Curtis:
I hate Curtis Finch Jr. Hate everything he represents. He doesn't just suck, he's a black hole for all things good.
Hate the fact the judges try to pass him off as the Jesus of singing competitions. This is #AmericanIdol not a church.
Devin:
This bland guy is singing half his song in Spanish. What a fantastic way to make me not vote for him.
Vincent:
This Vincent guy looks like Randy's younger brother. When he isn't squealing like a girl, he sounds generic.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
American Idol Auditions for 1/30/13
I normally don't review auditions or Hollywood Week, but these have been so bad, I can't help myself.
SAN ANTONIO AUDITIONS
Nicki is wearing her Daenerys Targarian wig. I'm hoping she steps into a funeral pyre, but doesn't come back out.
First up is some returning black dude wearing ugly ass hipster glasses. Claims he loves Mariah, but he seemed for focused on Randy swallowing. His audition sucked. He got through.
Next up were two brothers. And you can tell they weren't lying about that, cause they equally sucked. One of them looked like a retarded Justin Long. Well, Justin Long is already retarded, so let's say he looked like Justin with actual Down Syndrome. They got rejected.
A stripper came out next. She never claimed to be a stripper, but the signs were there. 1: She dressed like a slut. 2: Her name was Savannah. 3: She had a kid at the age of 19. She sucked, so they sent her to Hollywood.
Next, an ugly ass emo chick auditioned horribly. The judges gave her another reason to cut herself. Right after her was Crytabell, a religious black chick with 3 kids. Her hair was stupid. Cut short on the sides with the top styled to look ocean waves. Her audition was a wipeout, but they sent her through to the next round anyway.
Next up was one of these stupid "nominated" contestants. Her name was Ann and she was actual very good. Very attractive to. Her husband was the one who nominated her, but I think he will be hoisted on his own petard, cause once she gets a taste of Hollywood, she'll be dumping his sorry ass in a second.
Next was some Selena wannabe named Victoria. She sang "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Well, if big girls sang like this chick, they should cry. She looks like a Spanish Nicki Minaj. Ugh. She got through.
Speaking of Nicki, she now looks like the conductor of the Ho! Train!
Papa Peaches came out to audition. This guy was gayer than John Travolta at an all male massage parlor. Last year, a dog got ran over on the street in front of my house. As died, it let out these terrible howls of pain. That was more pleasant to listen to than this guy. Nicki likes it when people sound so bad they make her sound better, so she pleaded for this son of a peach to get through. He did. Joy.
A black Justin Bieber was out next. Until they identified him as a boy, I had no idea if it was male or female.. In what was a big surprise, he sang a Michael Jackson song. He sucked. He's going to Hollywood.
The next Ricky Martin auditioned last. Now, he's doesn;t sound like Ricky, but he is a gay Latino. He sucked. He got through.
QUEEN MARY AUDITIONS
Only Keith and Randy were out to judge at the beginning. The show just got better.
Medula Shedula came out first. She sounded OK. She got through.
Mariah showed up late, right after her cleavage arrived first though.
Some guy with AIDS came out next. He was told to audition by some guy in the bathroom. Probably were he got the AIDS. Hell, just listening to this guy sing gave me hearing AIDS. Rejected.
Some soldier who got blown up, then given medication that made him gay and sterile, yet somehow had a daughter with his wife who totally did not cheat on him, auditioned next. He wasn't that bad. He got through.
Next up, some chick from a band named "You Only Live Once" came out and literally screamed out "Set Fire To The Rain." This was the Greatest Audition Ever.
Nicki is back and looks downright beautiful.
That was a lie. She is ugly as hell,
Some chick dressed up as a slutty boat captain came out and sang so bad that she set off the alarms on the boat. She got through.
Thum duth width ah speedth impedimeth came out and started singing normally. His sob story got him through to Hollywood.
A Southern cutie came out and sounded great. Can't wait to see her in Hollywood.
Some girl who got bullied for being on the Maury Povich Show (and rightfully so) came out and shared her sob story to get a ticket to Hollywood.
Johnathan from Buffy The Vampire Slayer came out next. His sob story is the fact that he's short. He got a ticket to Hollywood, but Ryan Seacrest held it over his head, and made the tiny guy jump for it.
Just because Ryan was glad there was somebody finally shorter than him.
SAN ANTONIO AUDITIONS
Nicki is wearing her Daenerys Targarian wig. I'm hoping she steps into a funeral pyre, but doesn't come back out.
First up is some returning black dude wearing ugly ass hipster glasses. Claims he loves Mariah, but he seemed for focused on Randy swallowing. His audition sucked. He got through.
Next up were two brothers. And you can tell they weren't lying about that, cause they equally sucked. One of them looked like a retarded Justin Long. Well, Justin Long is already retarded, so let's say he looked like Justin with actual Down Syndrome. They got rejected.
A stripper came out next. She never claimed to be a stripper, but the signs were there. 1: She dressed like a slut. 2: Her name was Savannah. 3: She had a kid at the age of 19. She sucked, so they sent her to Hollywood.
Next, an ugly ass emo chick auditioned horribly. The judges gave her another reason to cut herself. Right after her was Crytabell, a religious black chick with 3 kids. Her hair was stupid. Cut short on the sides with the top styled to look ocean waves. Her audition was a wipeout, but they sent her through to the next round anyway.
Next up was one of these stupid "nominated" contestants. Her name was Ann and she was actual very good. Very attractive to. Her husband was the one who nominated her, but I think he will be hoisted on his own petard, cause once she gets a taste of Hollywood, she'll be dumping his sorry ass in a second.
Next was some Selena wannabe named Victoria. She sang "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Well, if big girls sang like this chick, they should cry. She looks like a Spanish Nicki Minaj. Ugh. She got through.
Speaking of Nicki, she now looks like the conductor of the Ho! Train!
Papa Peaches came out to audition. This guy was gayer than John Travolta at an all male massage parlor. Last year, a dog got ran over on the street in front of my house. As died, it let out these terrible howls of pain. That was more pleasant to listen to than this guy. Nicki likes it when people sound so bad they make her sound better, so she pleaded for this son of a peach to get through. He did. Joy.
A black Justin Bieber was out next. Until they identified him as a boy, I had no idea if it was male or female.. In what was a big surprise, he sang a Michael Jackson song. He sucked. He's going to Hollywood.
The next Ricky Martin auditioned last. Now, he's doesn;t sound like Ricky, but he is a gay Latino. He sucked. He got through.
QUEEN MARY AUDITIONS
Only Keith and Randy were out to judge at the beginning. The show just got better.
Medula Shedula came out first. She sounded OK. She got through.
Mariah showed up late, right after her cleavage arrived first though.
Some guy with AIDS came out next. He was told to audition by some guy in the bathroom. Probably were he got the AIDS. Hell, just listening to this guy sing gave me hearing AIDS. Rejected.
Some soldier who got blown up, then given medication that made him gay and sterile, yet somehow had a daughter with his wife who totally did not cheat on him, auditioned next. He wasn't that bad. He got through.
Next up, some chick from a band named "You Only Live Once" came out and literally screamed out "Set Fire To The Rain." This was the Greatest Audition Ever.
Nicki is back and looks downright beautiful.
That was a lie. She is ugly as hell,
Some chick dressed up as a slutty boat captain came out and sang so bad that she set off the alarms on the boat. She got through.
Thum duth width ah speedth impedimeth came out and started singing normally. His sob story got him through to Hollywood.
A Southern cutie came out and sounded great. Can't wait to see her in Hollywood.
Some girl who got bullied for being on the Maury Povich Show (and rightfully so) came out and shared her sob story to get a ticket to Hollywood.
Johnathan from Buffy The Vampire Slayer came out next. His sob story is the fact that he's short. He got a ticket to Hollywood, but Ryan Seacrest held it over his head, and made the tiny guy jump for it.
Just because Ryan was glad there was somebody finally shorter than him.
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