Dear Lord Satan, please give me the strength to make it through this season.
GIRLS
Ellona: Selena Gomez Addams here pulled off a performance worthy of
Halloween. It scared me. It was frightening to think this was the future
of the music industry. Terrifyingly terrible. #MusicKiller
Danie: She sang Miley Cyrus' "Wrecking Ball," which was perfect,
cause this performance showed this girl could demolish music as we know
it. #JustAWreck
Rion: It must be hell for her when she has to pick her nose.
Anyways, she sounds mediocre at best, but her handicap will put blinders
on the judges and the oversensitive viewers watching this show. #Flop
Khaya: sang "Begging For Mercy." Well, that's exactly what she had me doing. another crap performance from the girls.
ELIMINATED-Danie. Time to go back and become the hot nerd all the
guy nerds pine after, but won't get, cause she'll be too busy dating
good looking jerks instead.
BOYS
Josh: Black Bieber here sounded like he was singing with a stomach full of marbles. Awful. #DisBelieber.
Carlos: Paulina, being ever so insightful, told us that Carlos has a
problem with his nerves. Yeah, it's called Tourette's, you dumb blonde.
Anyways, he sounded like he had a nervous condition. It was crap.
#CrapBallBitch
Carlito: Ah, of course Paulina would make sure we had a generic
sounded Latino singer on her team. And boy, if it were any more of that,
we'd have guacamole pouring out of our TVs. #YoQueroTacoBell
Tim: I decided to look up "Boring synonym" on Google to best
describe this performance. Here are the results: tedious, dull,
monotonous, repetitive, unrelieved, unvaried, unimaginative, uneventful;
characterless, featureless, colorless, lifeless, insipid,
uninteresting, unexciting, uninspiring, unstimulating, uninvolving;
unreadable, unwatchable; jejune, flat, bland, dry, stale, tired, banal,
lackluster, stodgy, vapid, monochrome, dreary, humdrum, mundane;
mind-numbing, wearisome, tiring, tiresome, irksome, trying, frustrating;
informaldeadly, ho-hum, dullsville, dull as dishwater, plain-vanilla.
Couldn't have said it better myself. #ABoringOneManPlay
ELIMINATED: Josh. Don't stop Beliebing.
OVER 25'S
Lillie: Looked and sounded like a geriatric Minnie Mouse. #Goofy
Jeff: Sang P!nk's "Try." Finally, a decent performance on this show.
Maybe it was because everyone that sang before him was so bad, but this
guy sounded really good. #DoOrDoNotThereIsNoTry
Rachel: Sang "I Hope You Dance." Not a fan of this song, but she sang it really well. And she's cute as hell. #HopeYouLapDance
James: The song was crap, but he had a pretty strong vocal. So far,
the adults are running down the kids like they are pedestrians in GTA5.
#AgeBeforeStupidity
ELIMINATED: James. This was a terrible decision on Kellie's part. it
should have been Lillie. Side note: LILLIE. JAMES. Rachel POTTER. So,
if that's any kind of clue, Lillie will be the next to go in this
category.
GROUPS
Roxxy Montana: They sang Lorde's "Royals." I love this song. So,
watching this performance was like seeing a loved one on TV getting
raped and murdered and knowing there was nothing I could do to stop it.
#RoyalPainInTheAss
Sweet Suspense: 3 hot chicks. 1 great performance. I think I just might have my favorite to win. #IDontCareILoveIt
Alex & Cierra: Despite the fact that I hate seeing couple oh so
in love, and despite the fact I hate Robin Thicke and his stupid song
"Blurred Lines" more than anything else in this world, I actually kind
of enjoyed this performance. They are good together. #DynamicDuo
Restless Road: 3 country singers. One crap performance. Manure. #RestlessRoadkill
ELIMNATED: Roxxy Montana. After their butcher of a great song, justice has been served.
My name is Virtual Satyr and I'll be your guide this season. Telling you how it is and how it should be.
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