Friday, August 5, 2016
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
AGT Season 11 Live Shows Week 1
Here is my take on tonight's acts. From BEST to WORST
1: Deadly Games (Danger Act)
I do love acts that keep me on the edge of my seat. And this act did not disappoint. I thought the fire bit was tamer than the blindfolded bit, so they should have performed them the other way around, but it was all entertaining nevertheless.
2:Tape Face (Weirdo)
I know some people won't get his act, but he like Tim Burton meets Emo Philips. He's a creepy guy with odd gags and you don't know what the punchline is going to be.
3: Hara (Illusionist)
Adding magic to the Computerized Background Interaction Act is a welcome change, but doing the same generic magic is tedious. He only made number 3 because every one else was a lot worse.
4: Laura Bretan (Opera Singer)
She's got some pipes, I'll give her that. But there's only so many times where I will allow myself to be wowed by opera singers. And with AGT, we see the full effect of diminishing returns.
5: Jayna Brown (Singer)
Like Laura, she's got a nice voice, but singers on AGT hardly ever bring anything new to the singing pool.
6: John Dorenbos (Magician)
We've seen this before. Magic Person has judges write or draw something. Backstage, somebody sees what they did and copies it. Then, they act as a stagehand to give the Magic Person a prop. Said prop has the prestige in it. He did try to pretty it up with the guessing of who drew what, but that was cold reading at its most obvious.
7: Sila Sveta (Computerized Background Interaction Act)
Okay, doing it in a cube was a step in the right direction, but it was still boring as hell.
8: Daniel Joyner (Singer)
Wrong song choice. I mean really, some church boy is going to sing Queen? That's like getting a 52 year old strict math teacher to play Grand Theft Auto. They don't mesh at all.
9: Lauri Mae Hernandez (Comedian)
She's a tween and she doesn't like Trump. That has been the entire premise of her act. A vacuum has more substance than her act.
10: Musicality (Choir)
Oooh boy, where they off tonight. Not a one of them sounded in key. But: A group of inner city kids band together under the guidance of a caring teacher to learn how to silence violence with music. And one of them has a sister that just got killed. I smell movie! Starring Adam Sandler in an Oscar worthy turn as the teacher.
11: Outlawz (Dancers)
As soon as they came out in their Ghostbusters2016 inspired outfits, I knew this was going to suck. And suck it did! Let's just go ahead and talk about the elephant in the room: the fat one in the group. Look at how he tried to do that forward leaning move. He is definitely holding back any potential they might have, and they don't have very much to begin with.
12: Dorothy Williams (Dancer)
There is only chaos and madness in this world. We have learned to cope, by trying to find meaning and purpose. These are things we need to keep ourselves sane. Because once you start thinking about the true meaning to all this, you may start to go mad. And the true meaning is: there is no true meaning. Randomness is our master. Chaos is our one true god. But we have to find patterns in the discord to let us think we have some control. Even if the patterns aren't really there. But sometimes, sometimes, we see something or experience something that makes us lose our grip on our delicate "reality." Something that reminds us we are not in control. We are victims to the chaos. We are powerless.
And one of those things is Dorothy Williams dancing.
1: Deadly Games (Danger Act)
I do love acts that keep me on the edge of my seat. And this act did not disappoint. I thought the fire bit was tamer than the blindfolded bit, so they should have performed them the other way around, but it was all entertaining nevertheless.
2:Tape Face (Weirdo)
I know some people won't get his act, but he like Tim Burton meets Emo Philips. He's a creepy guy with odd gags and you don't know what the punchline is going to be.
3: Hara (Illusionist)
Adding magic to the Computerized Background Interaction Act is a welcome change, but doing the same generic magic is tedious. He only made number 3 because every one else was a lot worse.
4: Laura Bretan (Opera Singer)
She's got some pipes, I'll give her that. But there's only so many times where I will allow myself to be wowed by opera singers. And with AGT, we see the full effect of diminishing returns.
5: Jayna Brown (Singer)
Like Laura, she's got a nice voice, but singers on AGT hardly ever bring anything new to the singing pool.
6: John Dorenbos (Magician)
We've seen this before. Magic Person has judges write or draw something. Backstage, somebody sees what they did and copies it. Then, they act as a stagehand to give the Magic Person a prop. Said prop has the prestige in it. He did try to pretty it up with the guessing of who drew what, but that was cold reading at its most obvious.
7: Sila Sveta (Computerized Background Interaction Act)
Okay, doing it in a cube was a step in the right direction, but it was still boring as hell.
8: Daniel Joyner (Singer)
Wrong song choice. I mean really, some church boy is going to sing Queen? That's like getting a 52 year old strict math teacher to play Grand Theft Auto. They don't mesh at all.
9: Lauri Mae Hernandez (Comedian)
She's a tween and she doesn't like Trump. That has been the entire premise of her act. A vacuum has more substance than her act.
10: Musicality (Choir)
Oooh boy, where they off tonight. Not a one of them sounded in key. But: A group of inner city kids band together under the guidance of a caring teacher to learn how to silence violence with music. And one of them has a sister that just got killed. I smell movie! Starring Adam Sandler in an Oscar worthy turn as the teacher.
11: Outlawz (Dancers)
As soon as they came out in their Ghostbusters2016 inspired outfits, I knew this was going to suck. And suck it did! Let's just go ahead and talk about the elephant in the room: the fat one in the group. Look at how he tried to do that forward leaning move. He is definitely holding back any potential they might have, and they don't have very much to begin with.
12: Dorothy Williams (Dancer)
There is only chaos and madness in this world. We have learned to cope, by trying to find meaning and purpose. These are things we need to keep ourselves sane. Because once you start thinking about the true meaning to all this, you may start to go mad. And the true meaning is: there is no true meaning. Randomness is our master. Chaos is our one true god. But we have to find patterns in the discord to let us think we have some control. Even if the patterns aren't really there. But sometimes, sometimes, we see something or experience something that makes us lose our grip on our delicate "reality." Something that reminds us we are not in control. We are victims to the chaos. We are powerless.
And one of those things is Dorothy Williams dancing.
Thursday, March 31, 2016
I'm Done With American Idol.
I arrived home at 8 today. A package from Amazon was waiting for me. It
was my new batch of Funko Pops. I got Slimer and two versions of the
Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.
I put them on my shelves and then turned on my TV and PS4.
I went to Hulu and watched this week's episodes of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Arrow.
After that, I let out a heavy sigh. Time to watch Idol.
I switched over from my PS4 to my DVR. I went to the recordings, found Idol, and pressed play on the options.
I got my notebook and pen from my desk and sat back down.
I watched as they did their hometown visits. I rolled my eyes as every hometown visit since the beginning has been the same.
They are amazed that they are in a limo. They are shocked to see all the people. They get to meet up with people who helped them along the way. They go back to their school and a teacher says they always knew the contestant would make it big. They go back home. At one point they cry. The towns people say how much they love them. They perform a concert.
I watched them sing their hometown dedication songs. I made my notes and wrote my jokes.
I crossed my fingers hoping La'Porsha would be eliminated, but alas, it was Mac.
Then, Scott's picks came on.
And Dalton sang "Dancing In The Dark" by Bruce Springsteen.
The world in front of me turned red. The noise coming from my TV transformed from a terrible screeching rendition of one of The Boss' songs in a high pitched squeal.
I stood up and a yell came out of my mouth. I couldn't hear it, but it caused my cat to jump up and run from the room.
I felt my hand clench into a fist. I jumped toward my TV. My fist made its way towards the TV but I stopped myself. I grabbed both sides of the TV and yelled, "You stupid bi-polar little shit! You have done nothing to deserve this song! And you ruined it! YOU RUINED IT YOU GODDAMN PRETTY BOY FAIRY JOFFREY LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"
I grabbed my controller and deleted this abomination of a show off my DVR and out of my life forever.
I'm so glad this is the final season.
I put them on my shelves and then turned on my TV and PS4.
I went to Hulu and watched this week's episodes of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and Arrow.
After that, I let out a heavy sigh. Time to watch Idol.
I switched over from my PS4 to my DVR. I went to the recordings, found Idol, and pressed play on the options.
I got my notebook and pen from my desk and sat back down.
I watched as they did their hometown visits. I rolled my eyes as every hometown visit since the beginning has been the same.
They are amazed that they are in a limo. They are shocked to see all the people. They get to meet up with people who helped them along the way. They go back to their school and a teacher says they always knew the contestant would make it big. They go back home. At one point they cry. The towns people say how much they love them. They perform a concert.
I watched them sing their hometown dedication songs. I made my notes and wrote my jokes.
I crossed my fingers hoping La'Porsha would be eliminated, but alas, it was Mac.
Then, Scott's picks came on.
And Dalton sang "Dancing In The Dark" by Bruce Springsteen.
The world in front of me turned red. The noise coming from my TV transformed from a terrible screeching rendition of one of The Boss' songs in a high pitched squeal.
I stood up and a yell came out of my mouth. I couldn't hear it, but it caused my cat to jump up and run from the room.
I felt my hand clench into a fist. I jumped toward my TV. My fist made its way towards the TV but I stopped myself. I grabbed both sides of the TV and yelled, "You stupid bi-polar little shit! You have done nothing to deserve this song! And you ruined it! YOU RUINED IT YOU GODDAMN PRETTY BOY FAIRY JOFFREY LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER!!!!"
I grabbed my controller and deleted this abomination of a show off my DVR and out of my life forever.
I'm so glad this is the final season.
Thursday, March 17, 2016
American Idol Final Season Top 5
Yeah, I skipped my review last week. It was a night full of terrible performances and I didn't want to relive it.
So, let's get this out of the way so we can prepare for Daredevil Season 2.
Adam started the show singing his cover of Gary Jules' cover of Tear For Fears' "Mad World."
Trent: Sang "Counting Stars" by One Republic. For some odd reason, Trent decided to imitate the guy who sings "Cotton Eye Joe." And given the footage we were shown from his hometown, sing like Rednex isn't too much of a stretch for him.
#SuchACountry
Dalton: Sang "Numb" by Linkin Park. U2 also has a song called Numb that is vastly superior. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2lbiS1fris Speaking of numb, that describes this performance perfectly. No energy, no heart, no feeling at all.
#Dumb
LaPorshia: Sang "Ready For Love" by India Arie. She came out looking like some African Queen from an 80's movie. Ridiculous outfit, but a lot better than that eye gouge inducing outfit from last week. This was a boring performance.
#QueenOfTheMushroomKingdom
They did something with somebody from Empire. This is one of the reasons I don't watch the show live.
MacKenzie: Sang "Wild World" by Cat Stevens. Another boring performance. They all must have taken valium before the show started. Or the producers made them watch Empire.
#MildWorld
Sonika: Sang "Let It Go." She looked good, I'll giver her that. This performance though, let's just say my ears were jealous of my eyes.
#LetHerBlow
And we say goodbye to Tristan. I hope I get to say Hi to her 3 years from now.
Round 2.
Dalton: He sang "The Sound Of Silence." And boy, do I wish this performance was the sound of silence, because what I heard was I heard was a kitten trying to roar like a lion. Dalton needs to learn that just because he's good on a bicycle, it doesn't mean he'll be great on a Harley Davidson.
#BiManAndGarbage
Adam came out and sang his new song with somebody named Laleh. Adam, word pf advice, just stick to singing the songs P!nk left in her rejection pile.
MacKenzie: Sang "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. Scotty did a great cover of it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_6XcvppP9o This performance though, was pure unadulterated crap. It was like handing a retard a ball of play-doh and telling him to sculpt a miniature Mount Rushmore.
#LosucktusOfBourg
Trent: Sang "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynryd. Yep, simple man.
#SingBlade
Sonika: Sang "Clarity" by Zedd. She did a good job of not getting flustered when she sang the wrong lyrics. Again, this group proves that they would be better singing songs from kids shows. Note to LaPorsha: That's a body suitable for that kind of outfit.
#YourSaveWasCharity
LaPorsha: Her intro video informed us that she was with a guy who didn't like her voice or her hair. Hell, that could be anybody. She also said he was abusive and made her feel less than human. So she did the logical thing and stayed with him and decided to have his kid. She sang "No More Drama" by Mary J Blige. She sounded horrible and did her usual vocals. Then she completely ignored the title of the song and started crying after she was done. Because if there is one thing American Idol loves more than over-the-top singers, it's over-the-top singers who have emotional breakdowns after performances. Come on, we need to trend on Twitter and Facebook!
#DramaMamaSamba
So, let's get this out of the way so we can prepare for Daredevil Season 2.
Adam started the show singing his cover of Gary Jules' cover of Tear For Fears' "Mad World."
Trent: Sang "Counting Stars" by One Republic. For some odd reason, Trent decided to imitate the guy who sings "Cotton Eye Joe." And given the footage we were shown from his hometown, sing like Rednex isn't too much of a stretch for him.
#SuchACountry
Dalton: Sang "Numb" by Linkin Park. U2 also has a song called Numb that is vastly superior. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H2lbiS1fris Speaking of numb, that describes this performance perfectly. No energy, no heart, no feeling at all.
#Dumb
LaPorshia: Sang "Ready For Love" by India Arie. She came out looking like some African Queen from an 80's movie. Ridiculous outfit, but a lot better than that eye gouge inducing outfit from last week. This was a boring performance.
#QueenOfTheMushroomKingdom
They did something with somebody from Empire. This is one of the reasons I don't watch the show live.
MacKenzie: Sang "Wild World" by Cat Stevens. Another boring performance. They all must have taken valium before the show started. Or the producers made them watch Empire.
#MildWorld
Sonika: Sang "Let It Go." She looked good, I'll giver her that. This performance though, let's just say my ears were jealous of my eyes.
#LetHerBlow
And we say goodbye to Tristan. I hope I get to say Hi to her 3 years from now.
Round 2.
Dalton: He sang "The Sound Of Silence." And boy, do I wish this performance was the sound of silence, because what I heard was I heard was a kitten trying to roar like a lion. Dalton needs to learn that just because he's good on a bicycle, it doesn't mean he'll be great on a Harley Davidson.
#BiManAndGarbage
Adam came out and sang his new song with somebody named Laleh. Adam, word pf advice, just stick to singing the songs P!nk left in her rejection pile.
MacKenzie: Sang "Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson. Scotty did a great cover of it. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_6XcvppP9o This performance though, was pure unadulterated crap. It was like handing a retard a ball of play-doh and telling him to sculpt a miniature Mount Rushmore.
#LosucktusOfBourg
Trent: Sang "Simple Man" by Lynyrd Skynryd. Yep, simple man.
#SingBlade
Sonika: Sang "Clarity" by Zedd. She did a good job of not getting flustered when she sang the wrong lyrics. Again, this group proves that they would be better singing songs from kids shows. Note to LaPorsha: That's a body suitable for that kind of outfit.
#YourSaveWasCharity
LaPorsha: Her intro video informed us that she was with a guy who didn't like her voice or her hair. Hell, that could be anybody. She also said he was abusive and made her feel less than human. So she did the logical thing and stayed with him and decided to have his kid. She sang "No More Drama" by Mary J Blige. She sounded horrible and did her usual vocals. Then she completely ignored the title of the song and started crying after she was done. Because if there is one thing American Idol loves more than over-the-top singers, it's over-the-top singers who have emotional breakdowns after performances. Come on, we need to trend on Twitter and Facebook!
#DramaMamaSamba
Thursday, March 3, 2016
American Idol Final Season Top 8
This is the way Idol ends.
This is the way Idol ends.
This is the way Idol ends.
Not with a bang,
but a "Thank god that's over!"
-V. S. Eliot
The Top 10 get to perform again, with the bottom 3 singing for a Judge's save.
Because they always choose so well under pressure.
(See the past two season on why that's a huge lie)
Here are the seven that made it through.
Dalton: He sang "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons. I was imagining dragons all right. Imaging one came down and set that whole place on fire. Dalton took a pretty damn good song that's easy to rock to, and he made it sound boring as hell.
#Dullton
Lee: Sang "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon. It was an ironic song choice, considering Lee was pouting about being compared to MacKenzie and the most prominent lyrics of that song is "Someone like you." Anyways, this was crap. Hopefully next week lil Lee Jean is going to be
#LeeGone
Keeping up with the celebration of Idol's last season, they brought out former X-Factor judge Demi Lovato to do a couple of pre-recorded performances. First one was utter crap that featured this season's contestants sign with her. The second one was called "Stone Cold" and it wasn't about Steve Austin at all. Also, Demi looked like she was trying to duplicate Kelly's performance from last week, but nobody was buying it.
Lovato 316 says "I just sang like crap!"
After this, the trailer for the new Ghostbuters aired.
I'm so glad for DVR, as I was able to pause Idol while I hooked up my backup TV, since I had just broken the main one after hitting it with a baseball bat.
Sonika: Sang "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly something or other. Sonika claims she's never had a boyfriend. Well, Sonika, if you are reading this, it will interest you to know that I make a great starter boyfriend.
I'm 15 years older than you, so you're parents will hate me.
I'm self centered and a borderline sociopath.
Even though I think you are quite hot, I will only give you back handed compliments like "You look great today! That's new."
I will check out and flirt with other women furthering your self confidence to hit an all time low.
I will do whatever it takes not to knock you up as I hate children.
Despite being a total jerk most of the time, you will continue to think about me after I break up with you and will be the measuring stick for your next several boyfriends, one of whom you will cheat on with me.
But I digress, this performance sucked.
#GettingVaidTonight
MacKenzie: Sang "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston. That Ghostbuster trailer showed us what happens with you take a classic thing, switch genders, and completely ignore what made it great to begin with. You ruin it. MacKenzie learned that lesson tonight the hard way.
#BourgBusters
La'Porsha: She got wide eyed when she learned that the makeup people were going to be messing around with her ridiculous wig, which she named Kokomo for some mad reason. She sang "Halo" by Beyonce. And she confirmed that every song she sings is going to sound exactly the same.
#KokomoFauxFro
Harry performed a song and it made me question exactly what his credentials are for being a judge of quality singing.
Trent: He talked about how he and Scott worked on his facials. Then he mentioned "the money shot." And now we have another ironic song choice as he sang "When a Man Loves A Woman." More like "When a man bores an audience." This was crap.
#IsThatHairGel
Tristian: Sang some song about a mountain. This turned out to be the performance of the night. She displayed the right emotion, didn't go too over the top, and sounded pretty damn decent. And it wasn't boring or an audio clone of an earlier performance.
#MountainAmongMolehills
And our saved contestant is
Avalon: She sang "Earned It" by The Weekend. She may have got the saved, but she only earned it cause the other two sucked worse than she did.
#FiftyShadesOfSuck
And goodbye to Olivia and Gianna hope you guys have the best of luck on The Voice next year.
This is the way Idol ends.
This is the way Idol ends.
Not with a bang,
but a "Thank god that's over!"
-V. S. Eliot
The Top 10 get to perform again, with the bottom 3 singing for a Judge's save.
Because they always choose so well under pressure.
(See the past two season on why that's a huge lie)
Here are the seven that made it through.
Dalton: He sang "Radioactive" by Imagine Dragons. I was imagining dragons all right. Imaging one came down and set that whole place on fire. Dalton took a pretty damn good song that's easy to rock to, and he made it sound boring as hell.
#Dullton
Lee: Sang "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon. It was an ironic song choice, considering Lee was pouting about being compared to MacKenzie and the most prominent lyrics of that song is "Someone like you." Anyways, this was crap. Hopefully next week lil Lee Jean is going to be
#LeeGone
Keeping up with the celebration of Idol's last season, they brought out former X-Factor judge Demi Lovato to do a couple of pre-recorded performances. First one was utter crap that featured this season's contestants sign with her. The second one was called "Stone Cold" and it wasn't about Steve Austin at all. Also, Demi looked like she was trying to duplicate Kelly's performance from last week, but nobody was buying it.
Lovato 316 says "I just sang like crap!"
After this, the trailer for the new Ghostbuters aired.
I'm so glad for DVR, as I was able to pause Idol while I hooked up my backup TV, since I had just broken the main one after hitting it with a baseball bat.
Sonika: Sang "Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly something or other. Sonika claims she's never had a boyfriend. Well, Sonika, if you are reading this, it will interest you to know that I make a great starter boyfriend.
I'm 15 years older than you, so you're parents will hate me.
I'm self centered and a borderline sociopath.
Even though I think you are quite hot, I will only give you back handed compliments like "You look great today! That's new."
I will check out and flirt with other women furthering your self confidence to hit an all time low.
I will do whatever it takes not to knock you up as I hate children.
Despite being a total jerk most of the time, you will continue to think about me after I break up with you and will be the measuring stick for your next several boyfriends, one of whom you will cheat on with me.
But I digress, this performance sucked.
#GettingVaidTonight
MacKenzie: Sang "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston. That Ghostbuster trailer showed us what happens with you take a classic thing, switch genders, and completely ignore what made it great to begin with. You ruin it. MacKenzie learned that lesson tonight the hard way.
#BourgBusters
La'Porsha: She got wide eyed when she learned that the makeup people were going to be messing around with her ridiculous wig, which she named Kokomo for some mad reason. She sang "Halo" by Beyonce. And she confirmed that every song she sings is going to sound exactly the same.
#KokomoFauxFro
Harry performed a song and it made me question exactly what his credentials are for being a judge of quality singing.
Trent: He talked about how he and Scott worked on his facials. Then he mentioned "the money shot." And now we have another ironic song choice as he sang "When a Man Loves A Woman." More like "When a man bores an audience." This was crap.
#IsThatHairGel
Tristian: Sang some song about a mountain. This turned out to be the performance of the night. She displayed the right emotion, didn't go too over the top, and sounded pretty damn decent. And it wasn't boring or an audio clone of an earlier performance.
#MountainAmongMolehills
And our saved contestant is
Avalon: She sang "Earned It" by The Weekend. She may have got the saved, but she only earned it cause the other two sucked worse than she did.
#FiftyShadesOfSuck
And goodbye to Olivia and Gianna hope you guys have the best of luck on The Voice next year.
Thursday, February 25, 2016
American Idol Final Season Top 10
Tonight. we got to say goodbye to Manny, Jeneve, Jenn, and Thomas.
Forever.
Adele came out to to guess judge.
Oh wait, that's Kelly Clarkson. That makes more sense.
Olivia: She sang "Unconditionally" by Katy Perry. It's a crap song, but Olivia actually made it sound pretty good. That's real talent.
#OliviaRocks
Gianna: She sang "Listen" by Beyonce. I listened to this bad performance for several seconds, then remembered there was a mute button on my TV controller.
#ClosedCaptionedForTheSingingImpaired
Lee: He reminded us all of the paragon of virtue, Chris "Mad Dog" Medina. You know, the dude who wheeled his brain damaged fiance out for sympathy votes. But who can blame him? She wasn't doing much else. Lee sang "Skinny Love." Never heard of this song before and after this performance, I never want to hear it again. This was terrible. And Mad Dog was in the audience too, but thankfully he wasn't mic'd.
#NoLoveForKelly
Avalon: Sang "Stitches" by Shawn Mendes. This was pure amateur hour. Chris Medina's fiance could have sang better than this.
#StitchHerMouthShut
Dalton: Sang "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's. I truly hate this song with a passion. If it starts playing on the radio in my car, I will switch the station with such a fury that they would need to write a whole chapter about it in the book about road rage. So, even though he didn't sound as bad as the Plain *beep* T's, he still didn't do himself any favors with this song.
#Crapatonni
There was segment where they cut to Kelly talking about the song she was going to sing tonight. However, my attention was fully on the little blonde girl in the background who appeared to be eating the hair of the girl in front of her.
Tristan: Sang some weird song. The whole arrangement of it was just off putting and eclectic. She's got a good voice, but this song was not the right showcase for it.
#BarryMardonesHadTheRightIdea
MacKenzie: Sang an Ed Sheeran song because it's a requirement at this point. He brought nothing new to the table. Sounded like any other male contestant singing an Ed Sheeran song.
#TheBourgRedundancy
La'Porsha: She sang "Diamonds" by Rihanna. This was the typical performance and vocal gymnastics you'd expect from a woman like her. They are a dime a dozen. Nothing special at all and completely overrated.
#LaBortion
Sonika:Sang "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence. Not only was this her best performance, but it was the performance of the night. I loved this.
#WokeMeUpInside
Trent: Sang "Like I Can" by Sam Smith (of course). He sounds like Charlie Kelly when he sings. Nuff said.
#TheNightmanCometh
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man came out to sing.
Hold on, I'm told it's Kelly Clarkson. That makes more sense.
It was some song she wrote while she was cooking up kid number one. Something about a deadbeat dad or something like that. It made Keith cry like a little bitch
Forever.
Adele came out to to guess judge.
Oh wait, that's Kelly Clarkson. That makes more sense.
Olivia: She sang "Unconditionally" by Katy Perry. It's a crap song, but Olivia actually made it sound pretty good. That's real talent.
#OliviaRocks
Gianna: She sang "Listen" by Beyonce. I listened to this bad performance for several seconds, then remembered there was a mute button on my TV controller.
#ClosedCaptionedForTheSingingImpaired
Lee: He reminded us all of the paragon of virtue, Chris "Mad Dog" Medina. You know, the dude who wheeled his brain damaged fiance out for sympathy votes. But who can blame him? She wasn't doing much else. Lee sang "Skinny Love." Never heard of this song before and after this performance, I never want to hear it again. This was terrible. And Mad Dog was in the audience too, but thankfully he wasn't mic'd.
#NoLoveForKelly
Avalon: Sang "Stitches" by Shawn Mendes. This was pure amateur hour. Chris Medina's fiance could have sang better than this.
#StitchHerMouthShut
Dalton: Sang "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's. I truly hate this song with a passion. If it starts playing on the radio in my car, I will switch the station with such a fury that they would need to write a whole chapter about it in the book about road rage. So, even though he didn't sound as bad as the Plain *beep* T's, he still didn't do himself any favors with this song.
#Crapatonni
There was segment where they cut to Kelly talking about the song she was going to sing tonight. However, my attention was fully on the little blonde girl in the background who appeared to be eating the hair of the girl in front of her.
Tristan: Sang some weird song. The whole arrangement of it was just off putting and eclectic. She's got a good voice, but this song was not the right showcase for it.
#BarryMardonesHadTheRightIdea
MacKenzie: Sang an Ed Sheeran song because it's a requirement at this point. He brought nothing new to the table. Sounded like any other male contestant singing an Ed Sheeran song.
#TheBourgRedundancy
La'Porsha: She sang "Diamonds" by Rihanna. This was the typical performance and vocal gymnastics you'd expect from a woman like her. They are a dime a dozen. Nothing special at all and completely overrated.
#LaBortion
Sonika:Sang "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescence. Not only was this her best performance, but it was the performance of the night. I loved this.
#WokeMeUpInside
Trent: Sang "Like I Can" by Sam Smith (of course). He sounds like Charlie Kelly when he sings. Nuff said.
#TheNightmanCometh
The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man came out to sing.
Hold on, I'm told it's Kelly Clarkson. That makes more sense.
It was some song she wrote while she was cooking up kid number one. Something about a deadbeat dad or something like that. It made Keith cry like a little bitch
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
American Idol Final Season Not Top Ten
Ohhhhh Blog Readers, don't you dare be sour! Clap for your Review Champion and feel the power!
It's a New Season, yes it is!
We start off with our Top 14 with 4 of them getting automatic passes to the Top 10. And those 4 are:
Dalton, Olivia, Trent, and Big Hair.
The other ten are going to sing in hopes of getting voted into the top 10. Which 6 will get it? Well, let's see how they did.
Manny: He sang "Master Blaster" by Stevie Wonder. This was less Master Blaster and more Master Bator. Total jerk off of a performance with no real satisfaction at the end.
#MannyTheHandy
Gianna: She sang "Put A Spell On You." She put a spell on me all right, Boringus Gotosleepus. If music is magic, then this daughter of a musician turned out to be a Squib.
#WitchIsWorse
Thomas: Sang "Story of my Life" by One Direction. Terrible song, terrible performance. The only direction this kid is going is straight home.
#ShortStory
Tristian: Sang "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts. Probably the best performance of the night. It wasn't bad, not that great either. It's like getting a Loot Crate where it's filled with inflatable crowns and air fresheners and one mystery bag item from Orphan Black. You're not a fan of the show, but it seems pretty cool and the mystery bag figure was a lot better than that other crap.
#NotAPopVinyl
Avalon: Sang "Yo" by Chris Brown. In the show "Gargoyles," time goes much slower on the island of Avalon than it does in the rest of the world. And there is not enough time there to get this crap performance out of my head. Gawd awful.
#YoYoBlah
Jenn: Sang "True Colors" by Cyndi Laupner. It looked like all the true colors were in this freak's eyebrows. This performance was nails on a chalkboard awful.
#ColorHerBad
Lee: Sang "Make It Rain" by Ed Sheeran. It didn't rain here, but it did snow. And watching that snow melt was a lot more exciting than anything in this performance.
#MakeItPlain
Sonika: Sang "I Surrender" by Celine Dion. Make your enemies listen to this performance and they'll surrender too. The boredom will completely wear them out.
#SonikaTheDredgeHog
Jeneve: Sang "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. Before he died, Cash gave us a tremendous cover of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt." It was glorious. This performance, was the exact opposite of that. Absolutely terrible from start to finish.
#HurtMyEarsToday
MacKenzie: Hank McCoy JR here sang his own song called "Roses." Speaking of Beasts and roses, the one in that Disney movie had to make someone fall in love with him before the petals of an enchanted rose fell completely off. If that beast tried to woo his beauty with this song, he would not have a happy ending.
#BeastOfBurden
It's a New Season, yes it is!
We start off with our Top 14 with 4 of them getting automatic passes to the Top 10. And those 4 are:
Dalton, Olivia, Trent, and Big Hair.
The other ten are going to sing in hopes of getting voted into the top 10. Which 6 will get it? Well, let's see how they did.
Manny: He sang "Master Blaster" by Stevie Wonder. This was less Master Blaster and more Master Bator. Total jerk off of a performance with no real satisfaction at the end.
#MannyTheHandy
Gianna: She sang "Put A Spell On You." She put a spell on me all right, Boringus Gotosleepus. If music is magic, then this daughter of a musician turned out to be a Squib.
#WitchIsWorse
Thomas: Sang "Story of my Life" by One Direction. Terrible song, terrible performance. The only direction this kid is going is straight home.
#ShortStory
Tristian: Sang "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts. Probably the best performance of the night. It wasn't bad, not that great either. It's like getting a Loot Crate where it's filled with inflatable crowns and air fresheners and one mystery bag item from Orphan Black. You're not a fan of the show, but it seems pretty cool and the mystery bag figure was a lot better than that other crap.
#NotAPopVinyl
Avalon: Sang "Yo" by Chris Brown. In the show "Gargoyles," time goes much slower on the island of Avalon than it does in the rest of the world. And there is not enough time there to get this crap performance out of my head. Gawd awful.
#YoYoBlah
Jenn: Sang "True Colors" by Cyndi Laupner. It looked like all the true colors were in this freak's eyebrows. This performance was nails on a chalkboard awful.
#ColorHerBad
Lee: Sang "Make It Rain" by Ed Sheeran. It didn't rain here, but it did snow. And watching that snow melt was a lot more exciting than anything in this performance.
#MakeItPlain
Sonika: Sang "I Surrender" by Celine Dion. Make your enemies listen to this performance and they'll surrender too. The boredom will completely wear them out.
#SonikaTheDredgeHog
Jeneve: Sang "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. Before he died, Cash gave us a tremendous cover of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt." It was glorious. This performance, was the exact opposite of that. Absolutely terrible from start to finish.
#HurtMyEarsToday
MacKenzie: Hank McCoy JR here sang his own song called "Roses." Speaking of Beasts and roses, the one in that Disney movie had to make someone fall in love with him before the petals of an enchanted rose fell completely off. If that beast tried to woo his beauty with this song, he would not have a happy ending.
#BeastOfBurden
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 3
Scott's Picks.
Clark: Sang "Beautiful Day" by U2. This was not a beautiful day. It was dreary and exhausting. Just like this performance. Clark is way more Bozo than Bono. Ryan noted that the only other contestant to sing this song was Lee DeWyze. Sometimes, they make this so easy for me.
#UBlew
Nick: Sang "Because The Night" by Bruce Springsteen. What an insult to The Boss by giving one of his songs to such a generic loser singer. It's like giving the role of James Bond to Pauly Shore.
#LicenseToSuck
Jax: Sang "My Generation" by The Who. She had a fun time singing a fun song, It was fun to watch and to listen to. Really fun to watch.
#SideBoob
Hometown Dedications.
Nick: His hometown visit was the typical generic visit you'd expect. He sang "Back Home" by Andy Grammer. Nick is the kind of singer youd expect to see in a second rate boy band that is made up of twenty somethings. They put out one album and are never heard again unless one of them gets a gig hosting some lame show on MTV.
#GoBackHome
Clark: His hometown visit was boring as hell. A Cabbage Patch Doll has more personality than Clark. At one point during his concert, a choir from Lee University showed up to sing with him. His hometown dedication song was "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding, despite the fact that there isn't a bay in his hometown. This was one of his worst performances.
#LeeDeWyzeUniversity
Jax: Her hometown visit was heartwarming to watch. She deserves happiness and it was nice to see her get it. She sang "My Immortal" by Evanescence. She looked gorgeous and sounded gorgeous. One of the best Idol performances ever.
#BeautyNeverDies
Judges' Picks.
Clark: Sang some stupid song from the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. What that movie is to film, Clark is to music.
#50ShadesOfSuck
Jax: Sang "Misery Business" by Paramour. It was an unique take on the song and it worked. Unlike the others, Jax has continued to improve week after week. Never has there been a more clear winner.
#PuttingTheOthersOutOfBusiness
Nick: Sang "I'll Be" by Edwin McClain. You'll be nothing Nick, you'll be nothing.
#NickFraudian
And Rayvon is finally Ray-GONE!!!!
Clark: Sang "Beautiful Day" by U2. This was not a beautiful day. It was dreary and exhausting. Just like this performance. Clark is way more Bozo than Bono. Ryan noted that the only other contestant to sing this song was Lee DeWyze. Sometimes, they make this so easy for me.
#UBlew
Nick: Sang "Because The Night" by Bruce Springsteen. What an insult to The Boss by giving one of his songs to such a generic loser singer. It's like giving the role of James Bond to Pauly Shore.
#LicenseToSuck
Jax: Sang "My Generation" by The Who. She had a fun time singing a fun song, It was fun to watch and to listen to. Really fun to watch.
#SideBoob
Hometown Dedications.
Nick: His hometown visit was the typical generic visit you'd expect. He sang "Back Home" by Andy Grammer. Nick is the kind of singer youd expect to see in a second rate boy band that is made up of twenty somethings. They put out one album and are never heard again unless one of them gets a gig hosting some lame show on MTV.
#GoBackHome
Clark: His hometown visit was boring as hell. A Cabbage Patch Doll has more personality than Clark. At one point during his concert, a choir from Lee University showed up to sing with him. His hometown dedication song was "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding, despite the fact that there isn't a bay in his hometown. This was one of his worst performances.
#LeeDeWyzeUniversity
Jax: Her hometown visit was heartwarming to watch. She deserves happiness and it was nice to see her get it. She sang "My Immortal" by Evanescence. She looked gorgeous and sounded gorgeous. One of the best Idol performances ever.
#BeautyNeverDies
Judges' Picks.
Clark: Sang some stupid song from the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. What that movie is to film, Clark is to music.
#50ShadesOfSuck
Jax: Sang "Misery Business" by Paramour. It was an unique take on the song and it worked. Unlike the others, Jax has continued to improve week after week. Never has there been a more clear winner.
#PuttingTheOthersOutOfBusiness
Nick: Sang "I'll Be" by Edwin McClain. You'll be nothing Nick, you'll be nothing.
#NickFraudian
And Rayvon is finally Ray-GONE!!!!
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 5
ROUND 1
Jax: I don't know what song she sang and I don't care. THOSE LEGS!!!!!! 😗😜😁 That's the only thing that mattered in this performance.
#LEGS
Nick: Sang "Harder To Breathe" by Maroon 5. Having watched Daredevil on Netflix, I found myself wondering what my life would be like if I had the same condition as Matt Murdock.
I wondered if music would sound different too. If I would be able to hear it on a whole other level. And if I were able to hear every beautiful note amplified by a million, then I ould also hear every flaw the same way. And if I were to listen to this performance like that, I would have purposely taken away my hearing too
#TheManWithoutEars
Clark: Sang "Yesterday" by The Beatles. This song made me reminisce about yesterday. Because I wasn't listening to Clark that day. Ah, good memories.
#ClarkTodayGonetomorrow
Tyanna: Sang "Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus. I don't care what kind of party it is or where it's located, if Tyanna started singing there, the mood would go from a Bachelor Party to a Donner Party within seconds.
#BuzzKillington
Rayvon: Sang "I'm Not The Only One" by Sam Smith. So, the cockroach decided to sing the only Sam Smith song I like. And he treated this song like the pestering insect he is. He crushed it underneath his foot. This sucked. Hopefully this bug that refuses to die gets squashed himself next week.
#RaidOn
Round 2
Nick: Sang "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart. Listening to Nick sing this song was like watching a kid with cystic fibrosis run a triathlon. He was way out of his element. Sucked.
#ReadySetBlow
Tyanna: Sang "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. I don't believe in Heaven, but if there is one, and some angels up there saw this performance, I have no doubt they strangled themselves with their own halos. This was hell.
#PainInParadise
Clark: Sang "Boyfriend" by Justin Beiber. Boring Beckham belts bland Beiber boyfriend ballad badly.
#Blah
Jax: Sang "White Flag" by Dido. Jax, this is a white flag being waved for you, it's a checkered one. Because you are the obvious winner this season. Talent, looks, personality. You are ready to cross the finish line while the others are dozens of laps behind you.
#LeaderOfTheTrax
Rayvon: Sang "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac. Yes, Ray, go your own way. We'll be headed in the other direction.
#BlowYourOwnGay
And goodbye to Mr. Crybaby Quentin. There, now you can go see your best friend Joey. And while you're at it, think about the mistake you made this season. Trying to sing a Florence + The Machine song. You don't even have a iota of the talent Florence Welch has, so what makes you think you are worthy enough to have her songs exit your mouth?
That is what is truly whack.
Jax: I don't know what song she sang and I don't care. THOSE LEGS!!!!!! 😗😜😁 That's the only thing that mattered in this performance.
#LEGS
Nick: Sang "Harder To Breathe" by Maroon 5. Having watched Daredevil on Netflix, I found myself wondering what my life would be like if I had the same condition as Matt Murdock.
I wondered if music would sound different too. If I would be able to hear it on a whole other level. And if I were able to hear every beautiful note amplified by a million, then I ould also hear every flaw the same way. And if I were to listen to this performance like that, I would have purposely taken away my hearing too
#TheManWithoutEars
Clark: Sang "Yesterday" by The Beatles. This song made me reminisce about yesterday. Because I wasn't listening to Clark that day. Ah, good memories.
#ClarkTodayGonetomorrow
Tyanna: Sang "Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus. I don't care what kind of party it is or where it's located, if Tyanna started singing there, the mood would go from a Bachelor Party to a Donner Party within seconds.
#BuzzKillington
Rayvon: Sang "I'm Not The Only One" by Sam Smith. So, the cockroach decided to sing the only Sam Smith song I like. And he treated this song like the pestering insect he is. He crushed it underneath his foot. This sucked. Hopefully this bug that refuses to die gets squashed himself next week.
#RaidOn
Round 2
Nick: Sang "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart. Listening to Nick sing this song was like watching a kid with cystic fibrosis run a triathlon. He was way out of his element. Sucked.
#ReadySetBlow
Tyanna: Sang "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. I don't believe in Heaven, but if there is one, and some angels up there saw this performance, I have no doubt they strangled themselves with their own halos. This was hell.
#PainInParadise
Clark: Sang "Boyfriend" by Justin Beiber. Boring Beckham belts bland Beiber boyfriend ballad badly.
#Blah
Jax: Sang "White Flag" by Dido. Jax, this is a white flag being waved for you, it's a checkered one. Because you are the obvious winner this season. Talent, looks, personality. You are ready to cross the finish line while the others are dozens of laps behind you.
#LeaderOfTheTrax
Rayvon: Sang "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac. Yes, Ray, go your own way. We'll be headed in the other direction.
#BlowYourOwnGay
And goodbye to Mr. Crybaby Quentin. There, now you can go see your best friend Joey. And while you're at it, think about the mistake you made this season. Trying to sing a Florence + The Machine song. You don't even have a iota of the talent Florence Welch has, so what makes you think you are worthy enough to have her songs exit your mouth?
That is what is truly whack.
Wednesday, April 8, 2015
American idol Season 14 Top 7
Billboard Top Hits Night or AKA Songs You're Probably Sick Of Hearing.
Jax: Sang "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa. She was looking great tonight. She gave the song a new twist that made it sound unique and awesome. This was a triumph.
#PokeHerFace
Nick: Sang "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. Ugh. One pf Katy's worse songs made even more terrible. He made it sound like some stupid One Direction song. Sucked.
#TeenageWasteland
Quentin: Sang "Latch" by Sam Smith. This was a ho hum performance by Quentin. Sounded okay, but did nothing to stand out. Hit outfit was pretty cool though.
#PassionForFassion
Joey: Sang "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus. She came in like a bowling ball and didn't manage to hit a single gawd damn pin. Her voice was grating. She is to Sia what Dr. Thunder is to Dr. Pepper.
#GutterBall
Clark: Sang "Make It Rain" by Ed Sheeran. The mentors told him to sing this song like he was preaching. I'm an atheist and if I were to come across Clark preaching in the street, and the sky opened up and Jesus were to come down followed by a dozen angels and they all shined a light down on me, I still wouldn't believe in God. His talent lacks that much of a conviction. In fact, he is so boring to listen to, if the Earth were to get flooded and there was only one ship left floating and Clark was the on board entertainment, I would throw myself off.
#NoahsClark
Tyanna: Sang "Stay" by Rhianna. The lyrics ask me to stay, but this performance was making me want to go. Terrible.
#SoLongFarewellAufWeidersehenGoodbye
Rayvon: Sang "Set Fire To The Rain" by Adele. I long for the days when Adele is just a distant memory. Anyways, this performance made me want to buy some gasoline, douse myself with it, and light a match. Dreadful.
#BlisteringSatyr
And we say goodbye to the biggest waste of a Save ever on Idol, Qaasim. If I never see your ugly snarling face on my TV ever again, it will be too soon.
Jax: Sang "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa. She was looking great tonight. She gave the song a new twist that made it sound unique and awesome. This was a triumph.
#PokeHerFace
Nick: Sang "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. Ugh. One pf Katy's worse songs made even more terrible. He made it sound like some stupid One Direction song. Sucked.
#TeenageWasteland
Quentin: Sang "Latch" by Sam Smith. This was a ho hum performance by Quentin. Sounded okay, but did nothing to stand out. Hit outfit was pretty cool though.
#PassionForFassion
Joey: Sang "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus. She came in like a bowling ball and didn't manage to hit a single gawd damn pin. Her voice was grating. She is to Sia what Dr. Thunder is to Dr. Pepper.
#GutterBall
Clark: Sang "Make It Rain" by Ed Sheeran. The mentors told him to sing this song like he was preaching. I'm an atheist and if I were to come across Clark preaching in the street, and the sky opened up and Jesus were to come down followed by a dozen angels and they all shined a light down on me, I still wouldn't believe in God. His talent lacks that much of a conviction. In fact, he is so boring to listen to, if the Earth were to get flooded and there was only one ship left floating and Clark was the on board entertainment, I would throw myself off.
#NoahsClark
Tyanna: Sang "Stay" by Rhianna. The lyrics ask me to stay, but this performance was making me want to go. Terrible.
#SoLongFarewellAufWeidersehenGoodbye
Rayvon: Sang "Set Fire To The Rain" by Adele. I long for the days when Adele is just a distant memory. Anyways, this performance made me want to buy some gasoline, douse myself with it, and light a match. Dreadful.
#BlisteringSatyr
And we say goodbye to the biggest waste of a Save ever on Idol, Qaasim. If I never see your ugly snarling face on my TV ever again, it will be too soon.
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 8
Kelly Clarkson Night.
Nick: Sang "Catch My Breath." I had to catch my breath, because this was very good. He slowed it down a bit and gave it a Train-esque feel to it. Rock solid performance.
#BreathOfFreshAir
Jax: Sang "Beautiful Disaster." The song title is only half right. Nothing about this was beautiful, but it was a complete disaster. I expected a lot better from her and she disappointed me this week.
#Sux
Tyanna: Sang "Mr. Know It All." She explained that she chose this song cause it tells the story of her being bullied. The anger and pain that she had endured and overcame was expressed perfectly in this great performance. It was top notch.
#RiseAboveTheHate
Joey: Sang "Miss Independent." This was the perfect song choice for her. It showcased what she has been trying to sell us all along. And I am finally sold. I love her quirkiness and independence.
#IndependenceDay
Quentin: Sang "Dark Side." Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering, and boy, did I suffer through this. It was bad.
#SomethingSomethingDarkSide
Qaasim: Sang "Stonger" He stripped the song down and sounded like the good singer we all knew him to be. Tonight, he proved that he was worth the save.
#SecondChanceChampion
Clark: Sang "The Trouble With Love Is." I finally get the hype. He knocked this one out of the park. I actually felt myself swaying to his voice. This was perfect. Performance Of The Season.
#AnythingButTrouble
Rayvon: Sang "Since U Been Gone." He did a super slow version that really showcased his vulnerability. This was beautiful.
#HeWontBeGone.
And we say goodbye to Daniel tonight. In a few years, he will have the experience he needs to be a great singer. I can't wait to hear it.
One last note about this review.
#APRILFOOLS
Truth: They all sucked tonight except Jax, who looked drop dead gorgeous, and Quentin, who did pretty great. Clark is still boring as hell.
Nick: Sang "Catch My Breath." I had to catch my breath, because this was very good. He slowed it down a bit and gave it a Train-esque feel to it. Rock solid performance.
#BreathOfFreshAir
Jax: Sang "Beautiful Disaster." The song title is only half right. Nothing about this was beautiful, but it was a complete disaster. I expected a lot better from her and she disappointed me this week.
#Sux
Tyanna: Sang "Mr. Know It All." She explained that she chose this song cause it tells the story of her being bullied. The anger and pain that she had endured and overcame was expressed perfectly in this great performance. It was top notch.
#RiseAboveTheHate
Joey: Sang "Miss Independent." This was the perfect song choice for her. It showcased what she has been trying to sell us all along. And I am finally sold. I love her quirkiness and independence.
#IndependenceDay
Quentin: Sang "Dark Side." Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering, and boy, did I suffer through this. It was bad.
#SomethingSomethingDarkSide
Qaasim: Sang "Stonger" He stripped the song down and sounded like the good singer we all knew him to be. Tonight, he proved that he was worth the save.
#SecondChanceChampion
Clark: Sang "The Trouble With Love Is." I finally get the hype. He knocked this one out of the park. I actually felt myself swaying to his voice. This was perfect. Performance Of The Season.
#AnythingButTrouble
Rayvon: Sang "Since U Been Gone." He did a super slow version that really showcased his vulnerability. This was beautiful.
#HeWontBeGone.
And we say goodbye to Daniel tonight. In a few years, he will have the experience he needs to be a great singer. I can't wait to hear it.
One last note about this review.
#APRILFOOLS
Truth: They all sucked tonight except Jax, who looked drop dead gorgeous, and Quentin, who did pretty great. Clark is still boring as hell.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 9
American Idol Season 14 can be summed up by this monologue by The Joker from Alan Moore's "The Killing Joke."
"So... I see you received the free ticket I sent you. I'm glad. I did so want you to be here. You see it doesn't matter if you catch me and send me back to the asylum... Gordon's been driven mad. I've proved my point. I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy as everybody else... Only you won't admit it! You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this struggling! God you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet. Something like that... Something like that happened to me, you know. I... I'm not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another... If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! Ha ha ha! But my point is... My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA! It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?"
We started the show with David Hasselhoff doing a medley of 80's songs. It was horrible and a sign of things to come.
The "Idols" then joined Boy George to sing "Karma Chameleon." This was wretched.
Time for 80's Night, my favorite decade of music. I'm going to hate this.
Daniel: Sang "You Make My Dreams Come True" by Hall & Oats. This made my nightmares come true. A fun upbeat song that got steamrolled by this kid's lack of talent.
#DullAndNoVotes
Quentin: Sang Phil Collins epic "In The Air Tonight." This song always has an impact on me every time I hear it. Until now. For some mad reason, Quentin was singing with this weird accent that totally took away from the song. It was all I could focus on. It sucked.
#PeonGenesis
Joey: Sang "Girls Just Want To Have Fun." This. This. This was one of the worst performances in Idol history. It was the musical equivalent of this 80's event:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfnvFnzs91s
#NoFunAtAll
Tyanna: Sang "I Want To Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston. This was as exciting as an episode of Mr. Belvedere.
#NewCoke
Jax: Sang Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name." She gives love a good name. I loved everything about this. Her arrangement of the song, her vocals, her looks. She is the rose in a garden of weeds.
#JumpingJaxFlash
Nick: Sang "Man In The Mirror." Nick now has 7 years of bad luck, cause he broke that mirror.
#NoPerfectionReflection
Salt & Peppa came out to sing "Push It." Damn you Geico. Damn you straight to hell.
Clark: This moron didn't know how to use a Lite Brite. He then sang "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. He made a song about stalking sound like a boring love ballad. People love this guy apparently. And at one point, people loved "Achy Breaky Heart."
#DimBulb
Qaasim: Ugh. Sang Robert Palmer's "Addicted To Love." He was more subdued this time, which allowed his terrible vocals to be presented more. A stupid save.
#AddictedToDumb
Rayvon: Sang one of my personal favorites from the 80's Tears For Fears's classic "Everybody Wants To Rule The World." This was beyond horrible. If you've ever seen the movie "Deliverance" then you know about that scene in the woods. This is what he did to that song. He made it squeal like a pig.
#AWorldDrownedInTears
Goodbye to Maddie and Adanna. We will always remember to forget you.
"So... I see you received the free ticket I sent you. I'm glad. I did so want you to be here. You see it doesn't matter if you catch me and send me back to the asylum... Gordon's been driven mad. I've proved my point. I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy as everybody else... Only you won't admit it! You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this struggling! God you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet. Something like that... Something like that happened to me, you know. I... I'm not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another... If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! Ha ha ha! But my point is... My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA! It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?"
We started the show with David Hasselhoff doing a medley of 80's songs. It was horrible and a sign of things to come.
The "Idols" then joined Boy George to sing "Karma Chameleon." This was wretched.
Time for 80's Night, my favorite decade of music. I'm going to hate this.
Daniel: Sang "You Make My Dreams Come True" by Hall & Oats. This made my nightmares come true. A fun upbeat song that got steamrolled by this kid's lack of talent.
#DullAndNoVotes
Quentin: Sang Phil Collins epic "In The Air Tonight." This song always has an impact on me every time I hear it. Until now. For some mad reason, Quentin was singing with this weird accent that totally took away from the song. It was all I could focus on. It sucked.
#PeonGenesis
Joey: Sang "Girls Just Want To Have Fun." This. This. This was one of the worst performances in Idol history. It was the musical equivalent of this 80's event:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfnvFnzs91s
#NoFunAtAll
Tyanna: Sang "I Want To Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston. This was as exciting as an episode of Mr. Belvedere.
#NewCoke
Jax: Sang Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name." She gives love a good name. I loved everything about this. Her arrangement of the song, her vocals, her looks. She is the rose in a garden of weeds.
#JumpingJaxFlash
Nick: Sang "Man In The Mirror." Nick now has 7 years of bad luck, cause he broke that mirror.
#NoPerfectionReflection
Salt & Peppa came out to sing "Push It." Damn you Geico. Damn you straight to hell.
Clark: This moron didn't know how to use a Lite Brite. He then sang "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. He made a song about stalking sound like a boring love ballad. People love this guy apparently. And at one point, people loved "Achy Breaky Heart."
#DimBulb
Qaasim: Ugh. Sang Robert Palmer's "Addicted To Love." He was more subdued this time, which allowed his terrible vocals to be presented more. A stupid save.
#AddictedToDumb
Rayvon: Sang one of my personal favorites from the 80's Tears For Fears's classic "Everybody Wants To Rule The World." This was beyond horrible. If you've ever seen the movie "Deliverance" then you know about that scene in the woods. This is what he did to that song. He made it squeal like a pig.
#AWorldDrownedInTears
Goodbye to Maddie and Adanna. We will always remember to forget you.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 10
You want to save this show, but you don't want it to change. You're all puppets, tangled in strings. I am free to destroy this show.
There are no strings on me.
We opened with the top 11 singing "Get Lucky." It sounded like it belonged ona Kidsz Bop CD.
Adanna: Sang some Jennifer Hudson song from "Dreamgirls." This was less dream and more nightmare. She tried too hard to be like Hudson and failed miserably.
#RequiemForADreamGirl
Daniel: Sang "Lost Stars" by Adam Levine. He managed to get a higher pitch than Adam in some parts, which is not a good thing. The other parts were complete trash.
#ThereWillBeSuck
Rayvon: Sang "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees. This was beyond terrible. I had a hell of a time stayin' alive myself, cause I was begging for the sweet release of death to take me away from the vocal torture he was performing on my ears. And my soul.
#IdolRayvonMassacre.
Nick: "Sang "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins. I don't even know what the hell he was trying to do with this song. It was like giving a cook a bunch of great ingredients for a meal, all he makes is soup.
#AFewGoodPerformances
Joey: Did a cover of Gary Jules' cover of Tears For Fears' "Mad World." A song from "Donnie Darko," a movie that was confusing as hell, and yet it made more sense than how in the hell this joke keeps making it week to week.
#KrappyKlownsFromOuterSpace
Tyanna: Sang "Circle of Life" from "The Lion King." I wanted to feed her to the hyenas, this sucked so much.
#CHUD
Quentin: Gave a surprising performance with "You're The One That I Want" from "Greese." This was classic Quentin. Solid performance.
#GloriousBasterd
Maddie: Sang "Let's Hear It For The Boy" from "Footloose". If John Lithgow's character had heard her sing, he would have banned dancing and singing in the town.
#GetGoneGirl
Clark: I swear, Lee DeWyze had more personality than this guy. This was the most boring performance in the history of Idol. And by the most boring singer ever. I don't even remember what he sang, and I wrote it down.
#TheBoredIdentity
Jax: Sang some song from "The Wedding Singer." This girl looks and sounds like a movie star. She is fantastic.
#JaxToTheFuture
And now we come to the most IDIOTIC, STUPID, DUMB, MIND BOGGLING, decision ever made in the history of Idol.
Quaasim performs his Save Me song, "Come Together" and it was downright atrocious. More of his typical style over substance, but this time it was turned up to 11. He had props, he made stupid faces, he was all over the place. And he sounded terrible.
And the Judges saved him.
They saved him.
I can't even comprehend this. Absurdly stupid.
There are no strings on me.
We opened with the top 11 singing "Get Lucky." It sounded like it belonged ona Kidsz Bop CD.
Adanna: Sang some Jennifer Hudson song from "Dreamgirls." This was less dream and more nightmare. She tried too hard to be like Hudson and failed miserably.
#RequiemForADreamGirl
Daniel: Sang "Lost Stars" by Adam Levine. He managed to get a higher pitch than Adam in some parts, which is not a good thing. The other parts were complete trash.
#ThereWillBeSuck
Rayvon: Sang "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees. This was beyond terrible. I had a hell of a time stayin' alive myself, cause I was begging for the sweet release of death to take me away from the vocal torture he was performing on my ears. And my soul.
#IdolRayvonMassacre.
Nick: "Sang "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins. I don't even know what the hell he was trying to do with this song. It was like giving a cook a bunch of great ingredients for a meal, all he makes is soup.
#AFewGoodPerformances
Joey: Did a cover of Gary Jules' cover of Tears For Fears' "Mad World." A song from "Donnie Darko," a movie that was confusing as hell, and yet it made more sense than how in the hell this joke keeps making it week to week.
#KrappyKlownsFromOuterSpace
Tyanna: Sang "Circle of Life" from "The Lion King." I wanted to feed her to the hyenas, this sucked so much.
#CHUD
Quentin: Gave a surprising performance with "You're The One That I Want" from "Greese." This was classic Quentin. Solid performance.
#GloriousBasterd
Maddie: Sang "Let's Hear It For The Boy" from "Footloose". If John Lithgow's character had heard her sing, he would have banned dancing and singing in the town.
#GetGoneGirl
Clark: I swear, Lee DeWyze had more personality than this guy. This was the most boring performance in the history of Idol. And by the most boring singer ever. I don't even remember what he sang, and I wrote it down.
#TheBoredIdentity
Jax: Sang some song from "The Wedding Singer." This girl looks and sounds like a movie star. She is fantastic.
#JaxToTheFuture
And now we come to the most IDIOTIC, STUPID, DUMB, MIND BOGGLING, decision ever made in the history of Idol.
Quaasim performs his Save Me song, "Come Together" and it was downright atrocious. More of his typical style over substance, but this time it was turned up to 11. He had props, he made stupid faces, he was all over the place. And he sounded terrible.
And the Judges saved him.
They saved him.
I can't even comprehend this. Absurdly stupid.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 11
This show is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The judges spew out lies and they will drown in them. The accumulated filth of all the suckiness and talentless performances will foam up at the waists of the singers and they will look up at me and scream "Help us!" And I will look down and whisper "No."
Rayvon: Gave us a rendition of Ellie Goulding's "Burn." The song itself is bad, but Ellie is hot as hell, therefor she is allowed to sing a bad song like this one, anyone else is just going to suck. Rayvon proved this.
#HeatResistant
Maddie: Country girl sang a Country song so Country that it had "Country" in the title. Country x Country x Country x Country = Sucks.
#KickHerInTheCountry
Joey: Well, looks like the clown made it to the next round. And to remind us all what a joke she is, she sang an Iggy Azalea song. And it was terrible. It would have been funny if it wasn't so sad.
#SomebodySpikedThePunchline
Clark: From week to week, I completely forget this guy even exists. This guy is as generic as it gets.
#BlandItLikeBeckham
Jax: Sang Taylor Swift's "Blank Space." She gave it an 80's pop twist to it which was pretty cool. Should could have done without the interaction with the staged boy in the audience, but other than that, it was a solid performance.
#SheCanWriteMyName
Qaasim: He sang "Jet" by Paul McCartney which was fitting, cause this performance was a plane crash. It proved what I have been saying all along. All style, no substance. Sucked.
#HitTheEject
Adanna: Sang "Runaway Baby." This was an abortion.
#DumpsterBaby
Tyanna: Sang "Tightrope." I don't think the rope was very tight, cause she was all over the place with this.
#CutTheRope
Daniel: Sang "Happy" which automatically makes him the worst contestant this season.
#Crappy
Quentin: Sang "Rolling In The Deep" despite giving it a quasi-reggae twist to it, it was still an unnecessary Adele cover and definitely not up to the standars of his past performances.
#HeWasRollingSomething
Nick: Sang "Wake Me Up." My sentiments exactly. This performance should have come with a "do no operate heavy machinery while listening to this" warning. Sucked.
#SnoozeYouLose
And we say goodbye Sarina Joi.
Forever.
Rayvon: Gave us a rendition of Ellie Goulding's "Burn." The song itself is bad, but Ellie is hot as hell, therefor she is allowed to sing a bad song like this one, anyone else is just going to suck. Rayvon proved this.
#HeatResistant
Maddie: Country girl sang a Country song so Country that it had "Country" in the title. Country x Country x Country x Country = Sucks.
#KickHerInTheCountry
Joey: Well, looks like the clown made it to the next round. And to remind us all what a joke she is, she sang an Iggy Azalea song. And it was terrible. It would have been funny if it wasn't so sad.
#SomebodySpikedThePunchline
Clark: From week to week, I completely forget this guy even exists. This guy is as generic as it gets.
#BlandItLikeBeckham
Jax: Sang Taylor Swift's "Blank Space." She gave it an 80's pop twist to it which was pretty cool. Should could have done without the interaction with the staged boy in the audience, but other than that, it was a solid performance.
#SheCanWriteMyName
Qaasim: He sang "Jet" by Paul McCartney which was fitting, cause this performance was a plane crash. It proved what I have been saying all along. All style, no substance. Sucked.
#HitTheEject
Adanna: Sang "Runaway Baby." This was an abortion.
#DumpsterBaby
Tyanna: Sang "Tightrope." I don't think the rope was very tight, cause she was all over the place with this.
#CutTheRope
Daniel: Sang "Happy" which automatically makes him the worst contestant this season.
#Crappy
Quentin: Sang "Rolling In The Deep" despite giving it a quasi-reggae twist to it, it was still an unnecessary Adele cover and definitely not up to the standars of his past performances.
#HeWasRollingSomething
Nick: Sang "Wake Me Up." My sentiments exactly. This performance should have come with a "do no operate heavy machinery while listening to this" warning. Sucked.
#SnoozeYouLose
And we say goodbye Sarina Joi.
Forever.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 8 Gals
Tyanna: She sang "Rockin' Robin." The 2nd person to take up the mantle of Batman's sidekick, Robin, was a young man by the name of Jason Todd. Originally, Todd was beaten to a bloody pulp with a crowbar and then blown up all at the hands of The Joker. (And the fans who voted for this to happen.) This performance was the audio equivalent of that beating.
#BlewBird
Loren: She screeched out some old Michael Jackson song. Sounded horrible. She was obviously on some kind of drug tonight.
#JustSayNo
Maddie: This generic blonde teen cheerleader sang "I'll Be There" by the Jackson 5. Well, if she's going to be singing there, I won't be there.
#AmericanBoredom
Joey: How in the blue hell did she get through? I bet the same lunatics that voted for Alex last season are voting for this Tumblr Feminist Poster Chick. She attempted to sing "Shop Around." Well, if she's on sale, that store is going to go bankrupt. Sucked.
#DullMart
Sarina Joi: This performance was such a wreck, I thought I was watching footage of Harrison Ford's plane crash. Sucked.
#SingSoloWeCantHearYou
Adanna: Sang "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie. In the song, it is asked, "Is it me you're looking for?" Well, Adanna, the answer to that question is a resounding "No!"
#Goodbye
Jax: She was wearing The Dress. You know, the blue and black one. If she came up to me wearing that dress, I'd tell her to take it off so I could get a closer look. The dress may be blue, but she is downright pure gold. Easily the best this season.
#DressYouUpWithMyLove
Alexis: So this boring chick gets through but not the gorgeous Shi or that JB Shannon. A crime has been committed and you the stupid American public is guilty.
#ShiWasRobbed.
#BlewBird
Loren: She screeched out some old Michael Jackson song. Sounded horrible. She was obviously on some kind of drug tonight.
#JustSayNo
Maddie: This generic blonde teen cheerleader sang "I'll Be There" by the Jackson 5. Well, if she's going to be singing there, I won't be there.
#AmericanBoredom
Joey: How in the blue hell did she get through? I bet the same lunatics that voted for Alex last season are voting for this Tumblr Feminist Poster Chick. She attempted to sing "Shop Around." Well, if she's on sale, that store is going to go bankrupt. Sucked.
#DullMart
Sarina Joi: This performance was such a wreck, I thought I was watching footage of Harrison Ford's plane crash. Sucked.
#SingSoloWeCantHearYou
Adanna: Sang "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie. In the song, it is asked, "Is it me you're looking for?" Well, Adanna, the answer to that question is a resounding "No!"
#Goodbye
Jax: She was wearing The Dress. You know, the blue and black one. If she came up to me wearing that dress, I'd tell her to take it off so I could get a closer look. The dress may be blue, but she is downright pure gold. Easily the best this season.
#DressYouUpWithMyLove
Alexis: So this boring chick gets through but not the gorgeous Shi or that JB Shannon. A crime has been committed and you the stupid American public is guilty.
#ShiWasRobbed.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 8 Guys.
Aretha Franklin started the show by singing "I Will Survive." And most of us are surprised she has.
Daniel: Sang "How Sweet It is To Be Loved By You." They are singing in Detroit again. Makes me think of 8 Mile. And it makes me wish Daniel was 8 miles away from a microphone. Sucked.
#HeSangReallyGaye
Mark: Sang "Papa Was A Rolling Stone." A rolling stone grows no moss and Mark here couldn't grow a decent fan base if his father was one of The Rolling Stones. Sucked.
#SonOfAMick
Rayvon: Sang "My Girl." I remember a Macaulay Culkin movie by the same name. Gawd, I was hoping a swarm of bees would come in and stop this performance. Sucked.
#HeCantSingWithoutHisGlasses
Adam: Caleb 2.0 here belted out some dreck. Gawd awful performance. This guy is really is the result of Jack Black and Kyle Glass having a baby together. Sucked.
#TenaciousSTD
Clark: Before he took the stage, some music guy read off some lies from a teleprompter.
Like this for example:
Clark's performance was fantastic.
This is the best season yet! Can't
wait to see what comes next!
It's easy to lie when others have to cover up the truth.
#BlankLookOnMyFace
Nick: Sang a Stevie Wonder song.Stevie is blind. This performance made me with I was deaf. Sucked.
#SingerOfALesserGod
Qaasim: He funked this performance up. More style than substance. Atrocious dinging.
#FlashFlunk
Quentin: Easily the best of the guys. He actually gave a descent performance. Don't need to take a peak into the future to know he'll be the last guy standing.
#QuentinLeap
And so we say goodbye to the 2 country jerks, the nerd, and one of the black guys. It was nice not knowing any of you.
Daniel: Sang "How Sweet It is To Be Loved By You." They are singing in Detroit again. Makes me think of 8 Mile. And it makes me wish Daniel was 8 miles away from a microphone. Sucked.
#HeSangReallyGaye
Mark: Sang "Papa Was A Rolling Stone." A rolling stone grows no moss and Mark here couldn't grow a decent fan base if his father was one of The Rolling Stones. Sucked.
#SonOfAMick
Rayvon: Sang "My Girl." I remember a Macaulay Culkin movie by the same name. Gawd, I was hoping a swarm of bees would come in and stop this performance. Sucked.
#HeCantSingWithoutHisGlasses
Adam: Caleb 2.0 here belted out some dreck. Gawd awful performance. This guy is really is the result of Jack Black and Kyle Glass having a baby together. Sucked.
#TenaciousSTD
Clark: Before he took the stage, some music guy read off some lies from a teleprompter.
Like this for example:
Clark's performance was fantastic.
This is the best season yet! Can't
wait to see what comes next!
It's easy to lie when others have to cover up the truth.
#BlankLookOnMyFace
Nick: Sang a Stevie Wonder song.Stevie is blind. This performance made me with I was deaf. Sucked.
#SingerOfALesserGod
Qaasim: He funked this performance up. More style than substance. Atrocious dinging.
#FlashFlunk
Quentin: Easily the best of the guys. He actually gave a descent performance. Don't need to take a peak into the future to know he'll be the last guy standing.
#QuentinLeap
And so we say goodbye to the 2 country jerks, the nerd, and one of the black guys. It was nice not knowing any of you.
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