Review for American Idol The Final Four 4/24/13

SINGER'S CHOICE

The girls visited some children's hospital. Nothing more uplifting than seeing a bunch kids who are about to die.

Amber: Sang Celine Dion's "The Power of Love" She did a great job.....Of copying Celine Dion.

Candice: Sang some song by a guy called Drake. Whoever that is. Only one of the following statements is not true: 1. She sucked. 2. She didn't sing over the top this time.

Kree: She got to sing to a baby born prematurely. Another reason for that kid to wish it was still inside the womb. She sang a song called "It Hurts So Bad." My ears couldn't agree more.

Angie: She has the power to make children look almost adorable. Hell, I think I'd suspend "Won't do chicks with kids" rule for her, if she had one. And let's thank King Herod she doesn't. My god she was incredible tonight.

DUETS

Amber & Kree: They sang Adele's "Rumor Has It." Overrated song led to an underwhelming performance.

Angie & Candice: They were great. Well Angie was. Candice should thank the producers they let her sing with Angie, who carried her throughout the whole song.

ONE HIT WONDERS

Amber sang Dumbledore's "MacArthur Park." I wish Dumbledore had been around to put a Memory Charm on me so I'd forget this performance. This was terrible. She should have sang Weird Al's "Jurassic Park." That song was a parody and this performance was a joke.

Candice: Sucked. I'd rather be hide in a boat with a Boston Bomber than listen to this again.

Kree: Sang "Whiter Shade of Pale." This performance was a duller shade of boring.

Angie: Everything about this was perfection. Her voice, her looks, the song, the atmosphere. If she walked in on a funeral for one of my parents and told me to take her right then and there, I would do her right on top of the casket. 

Review for American Idol Top 5 4/17/13

I still think a guy might win.

SONGS FROM THE BIRTH YEAR

Candice: Sang "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. She gave the song this jazzy, lounge singer twist to it. It was horrible. Save the lounge singer cover versions to someone that can pull it off, like Richard Cheese.

Janelle: Sang some Vince Gill song. Her parents said that hearing Vince Gill made her stop crying when she was a baby. If my parents tried that when I was a baby, I would have grabbed the cord from the Venetian Blinds we had on our windows, wrapped it around my neck, and threw myself over the side of the crib. Incidentally, this performance made me want to grab a Venetian blind cord.

Kree: She would be a knockout if she lost some pounds. She should run in a marathon, she'd be guaranteed to lose some weight. Especially in the legs. She sang The Black Crowes' "She Talks To Angels" It sucked.

Angie: I love her. She looked downright gorgeous tonight. However, she sang The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You." That song should never be touched again after Pia Toscano sang it perfectly on Idol a few years back. Angie did make it sound good though.

Amber: Sang the Mariah Carey version of Harry Nilsson's "Without You." While watching this, the power in my house went of for a few seconds from the storm outside. Not even Mother Nature could stand listening to this crap.

SONGS BY DIVAS

Candice: Sang some song Mariah and Whitney did together. I think it was called, "Let's Do Some Cocaine" or something like that. This performance was the over-the-top Mariah/Whitney wannabe crap we've come to expect from Yahtzee (get it?) here.

Janelle: Sang a Dolly Parton song. Of course. It was called "Dumb Blond." Never has there been a more fitting song.

Kree: She sang a Celine Dion song. And what is the rule for singing a Celine Dion song? DON'T DO IT! It's like watching a 2-bit birthday party magician trying to perform the magic of Houdini. Kree blew it.

Angie: Sang Beyonce's "Halo." Never been a fan of the Beyonce, but Angie made this song sound great. I would do her in so many ways, they'd be able to write a sequel to the Kama Sutra.

Amber: She sang Barbra Steisand's "What Are You Doing With The Rest Of Your Life." Well, one of the answers to that question is: Never listening to Amber after Idol is over.

Review for American Idol 4/10/13

Theme 1: Songs written by a couple of dead guys.

Angie: She sang a song I wasn't familiar with. Nevertheless, She looked and sounded great, but you don't really need me to tell you that. I'd let her pee on me.

Amber: She told some disgusting story about how she likes to eat frozen shrimp. Right now, Burnell has locked himself inside of a storage freezer. I'll give her this, she looked great, but she sounded dull as hell. After the judges gave their useless critiques, Ryan joked about Paul and Devin being gay. Ryan can be really good sometimes.

Lazaro: This performance proved there is no god.

Kree: Anthony Hopkins was in the audience tonight. That made me think of Silence of the Lambs. Kree's performance made me think of Buffalo Bill's pit in SOTL and how I wish Kree were down in it. It puts the lotion on the skin...

Janelle: Sang some crappy song with her crappy country twang. She should thank her lucky stars she is attractive, when she isn't talking or singing that is.

Candice: This performance got a standing O. The O stands for "Overrated."

Theme 2: Songs The Contestants Wished They Had Wrote.

Angie: Again, sang I song I didn't know. Despite the religious tones of the song, she did very well, of course. She sang it with such grace. I would let her tie me up and paddle me.

Amber: Just declared Burnell to be in the friendzone. Poor bastard. This crappy song she sang should have never got in action either.

Lazaro: It's storming out right now. This performance made me want t grab a golf club and go stand out in the middle of the yard. If Porky Pig here does not get eliminated tomorrow, then not only does it prove there is no god, but it also proves there is no justice in this world.

Kree: Adele Wynette here sang another slow song. BORING.

Janelle: Sang a sappy Garth Brooks song. Enough said.

Candice: She sang The Cure's "Love Song." She should have been wearing an apron, cause she butchered it. So many over the top notes and moments, she could have sang any song this way. It was cookie cutter diva singing. Hell, you could hear Satan himself groan at this performance.

Review for American Idol 4/3/13

Rock and Droll Night

Side Note: Watching "The Voice" at the beginning of the week and watching "Idol" the day after, reminded me of my viewing experience this past Sunday. I watched the fantastic season3 premiere of "Game of Thrones" then I watched the disappointing season finale of "The Walking Dead." Watching the superior show before the inferior one just makes the inferior one suck even more.

Allons-y!

They did the "contestants make fun of the next singer' video packages tonight. For Burnell's they all made fun of the way he talked. If only they had done that for Lazaro.

Burnell: He sang Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name." Well, Burnell gives music a bad name. This guy can't sing worth crap. This song exposed just how bad he sings. Also, Burnie once again wasn't familiar with the very popular song he chose to sing. I was beginning to wonder what rock he lived under, but I remembered it doesn't matter, since it got washed away when Katrina hit.

Lazaro and Angie sang Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Angie was great, of course, but Lazaro was so bad, that I hope like hell he dies of Freddie Mercury Poison, aka AIDS.

Kree: She sang Janis Joplin's "Little Piece of My Heart." Nicki likes to call her "Kreedom." Well, Kreedom is just another word for I hope this chick is going to lose.

Burnell and Candice sang "The Letter." I've got a letter for them: F

Janelle: She sang my favorite Billy Joel song of all time, "You May Be Right." And of course, she made it sound country. I hope she gets ran over by a tractor.

Lazaro: The contestants talked about how gay he is. Speaking of, he decided to sing another Queen song, this time it was "We Are The Champions." If Spazaro here is a champion, I'd hate to hear what the loser sounds like. This guy is crap. Also, he sweats likes a Priest in a pre-school.

Amber, Janelle, and Kree sang together. If you were to tell me I was going to watch a threesome with three attractive women in it and it was boring, I would have called you a liar. But then I watched this.

Candice: She sang The Rollings Stones classic "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." When I listen to her sing, neither can I.

Amber: She sang Heart's "What About Love." She should have sang "Never." My apologies, I got that last sentence wrong, she should have never sang.

Angie: Sang "Bring Me To Life." And that's exactly what she did, after this dull ass show, she brought me back to life with her performance. Looked and sounded spectacular. Saved the best for last.

Review for American Idol 3/27/13

Candice: this week's mentor, Smokey Robinson, said Candice made him cry last week with her performance. She said she hoped she could do it again. Well, I think she did make Smokey cry, but from disappointment.

Janelle & Kree sang a country version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer." I prayed to the god I don't believe it that I never hear anything like this again.

Lazaro: Stuttering Latino Shia LaBouf once again proved that someone can overcome a speech impediment by singing, but still not be any good at it. SUCKED.

Janelle: Sang a slow version of The Supremes' "Keep Me Hanging On." It was probably her best performance yet, but that isn't saying much.

Devin: Sang "The Tracks of My Tears" in honor of his AI boyfriend Paul Jolley, whom was eliminated last week. He shouldn't worry to much though, he'll probably be reunited with Paul this week.

Amber, Candice, and Angie: Angie is INCREDIBLE! The other two, who cares? Angie is pure sex. I'd lick pudding out of her ass.

Burnell: If music was a baby, then Burnie here would be Casey Anthony.

Angie: PERFECTION. Everything about this performance made me horny as hell. I'd go to church with this chick just a chance to get to 3rd base.

Amber: Ok, she looked and sounded pretty good. However, I have an ex named Amber, so as far as I'm concerned, anyone with that name is trash.

The 3 Stooges sang "I Can't Help Myself." Let me let you in on something. I'm a psychopath. I lack empathy. I can identify the feeling of others, but I have difficulty feeling the feelings of others. But, after this performance, I think I now know exactly how those kids at Sandy Hook Elementary School felt that fateful day. I think hearing this performance is going to give me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Kree: I hope she gets eliminated in a shocker. Angie is the Queen.

Review for America Idol 3/20/13

Beatles Night. Thank Gawd Lennon isn't alive to see this.

Oh look, Nikki is still here. I am truly surprised.

Charlie gets denied his Idol dream yet again. Looks like his brains are going to be Askewed all over the wall.

Kree: Orphan Girl sang "With A Little Help From My Friends." It's fitting that the first line is "What would you do if I sang out of tune?" Well, the answer Kree, is fast forward through the rest of your performance. I believe she secretly thanks her god her parents are dead, since they named her Kree.

Burnell: I hope Paul McCartney isn't watching this, cause if he is, we'll be down to just Ringo cause Paul will have died from a heart attack. This guy sucks.

Amber: I'll give her this: she filled out that dress quite nicely. What wasn't nice, was her performance. A baby left alone in a tub for half an hour had more life in it than this performance.

Lazaro: He should have sang "Life Goes On." That would have been hilarious. But, we get a song that sounds just like every song he has sang thus far. He sucks. He's getting by on sympathy votes, and if his reactions to the judges criticism tonight is any indication, he cannot handle this competition.

Candice: Meh.

Paul: He sucks. And I'm not talking about his sexual habits.

Angie: She looked SPECTACULAR tonight! If I was her brother, I'd do everything I could to "accidently" walk in on her taking a shower. Hell, the mom too. She is a bright candle in a void of talentless hacks.

Devin: Ryan said this kid runs a tight ship with the other contestants. Well, with Paul at least. He sucks.

Janelle: She is quite the hottie herself, but she's country, so it's automatic suck.

Review for American Idol 3/12/13

Nicki was running late. I know I'm not the only one who was hoping for a fatal car accident.

Curtis: One of the worst contestants this season is singing a song by one of the worst winners. He sucks. He's going to be another one of these jackasses who sings every song, the exact same way. I want to punch him.

Janelle: She was looking good tonight. And she sang one of the few country songs I can tolerate. But the whole performance was flatter than a pre-schooler in a steamroller accident.

Devan: This was "Watching Grass Grow With Your Host Charlie Rose" on PBS boring. I've had my feet fallen asleep before, but never my ears. He sucks.

Nicki is wearing a hoodie. Where's George Zimmerman when you need him?

Angie: Gawd, she is beautiful. Absolutely amazing. And her voice is incredible. The definite front runner. And gawd damn is she HOT!

Paul: During his interview, he said "I need to get my stuff straight." That was good for a laugh. Anyways, I had to get up and piss when he started singing. I didn't bother to pause or rewind, but from what I heard down the hall, the piss splashing the water (and occasionally the floor) sounded better than this jerkoff.

Candice: Meh.

Lazaro: I was right, the interviews with Porky Pig here are painful. Every time he performs, I'm reminded of this scene from American Pie 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEDeIvU1si8

Kree: She looks like the actress who looks like Drew Barrymore. She put a country spin on Roy Orbinson's classic "Crying." Screw you Kree! I hope the Skrulls destroy you!

Burnell: Gawd, he sucks. No wonder Mother Nature tried to kill him off with Katrina.

Amber: Terrible. If it wasn't for Angie, this whole season would not be worth it.

SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: No one sang a Lee Dewyze song!