Review for American Idol 4/10/13

Theme 1: Songs written by a couple of dead guys.

Angie: She sang a song I wasn't familiar with. Nevertheless, She looked and sounded great, but you don't really need me to tell you that. I'd let her pee on me.

Amber: She told some disgusting story about how she likes to eat frozen shrimp. Right now, Burnell has locked himself inside of a storage freezer. I'll give her this, she looked great, but she sounded dull as hell. After the judges gave their useless critiques, Ryan joked about Paul and Devin being gay. Ryan can be really good sometimes.

Lazaro: This performance proved there is no god.

Kree: Anthony Hopkins was in the audience tonight. That made me think of Silence of the Lambs. Kree's performance made me think of Buffalo Bill's pit in SOTL and how I wish Kree were down in it. It puts the lotion on the skin...

Janelle: Sang some crappy song with her crappy country twang. She should thank her lucky stars she is attractive, when she isn't talking or singing that is.

Candice: This performance got a standing O. The O stands for "Overrated."

Theme 2: Songs The Contestants Wished They Had Wrote.

Angie: Again, sang I song I didn't know. Despite the religious tones of the song, she did very well, of course. She sang it with such grace. I would let her tie me up and paddle me.

Amber: Just declared Burnell to be in the friendzone. Poor bastard. This crappy song she sang should have never got in action either.

Lazaro: It's storming out right now. This performance made me want t grab a golf club and go stand out in the middle of the yard. If Porky Pig here does not get eliminated tomorrow, then not only does it prove there is no god, but it also proves there is no justice in this world.

Kree: Adele Wynette here sang another slow song. BORING.

Janelle: Sang a sappy Garth Brooks song. Enough said.

Candice: She sang The Cure's "Love Song." She should have been wearing an apron, cause she butchered it. So many over the top notes and moments, she could have sang any song this way. It was cookie cutter diva singing. Hell, you could hear Satan himself groan at this performance.

Review for American Idol 4/3/13

Rock and Droll Night

Side Note: Watching "The Voice" at the beginning of the week and watching "Idol" the day after, reminded me of my viewing experience this past Sunday. I watched the fantastic season3 premiere of "Game of Thrones" then I watched the disappointing season finale of "The Walking Dead." Watching the superior show before the inferior one just makes the inferior one suck even more.

Allons-y!

They did the "contestants make fun of the next singer' video packages tonight. For Burnell's they all made fun of the way he talked. If only they had done that for Lazaro.

Burnell: He sang Bon Jovi's "You Give Love a Bad Name." Well, Burnell gives music a bad name. This guy can't sing worth crap. This song exposed just how bad he sings. Also, Burnie once again wasn't familiar with the very popular song he chose to sing. I was beginning to wonder what rock he lived under, but I remembered it doesn't matter, since it got washed away when Katrina hit.

Lazaro and Angie sang Queen's "Crazy Little Thing Called Love." Angie was great, of course, but Lazaro was so bad, that I hope like hell he dies of Freddie Mercury Poison, aka AIDS.

Kree: She sang Janis Joplin's "Little Piece of My Heart." Nicki likes to call her "Kreedom." Well, Kreedom is just another word for I hope this chick is going to lose.

Burnell and Candice sang "The Letter." I've got a letter for them: F

Janelle: She sang my favorite Billy Joel song of all time, "You May Be Right." And of course, she made it sound country. I hope she gets ran over by a tractor.

Lazaro: The contestants talked about how gay he is. Speaking of, he decided to sing another Queen song, this time it was "We Are The Champions." If Spazaro here is a champion, I'd hate to hear what the loser sounds like. This guy is crap. Also, he sweats likes a Priest in a pre-school.

Amber, Janelle, and Kree sang together. If you were to tell me I was going to watch a threesome with three attractive women in it and it was boring, I would have called you a liar. But then I watched this.

Candice: She sang The Rollings Stones classic "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." When I listen to her sing, neither can I.

Amber: She sang Heart's "What About Love." She should have sang "Never." My apologies, I got that last sentence wrong, she should have never sang.

Angie: Sang "Bring Me To Life." And that's exactly what she did, after this dull ass show, she brought me back to life with her performance. Looked and sounded spectacular. Saved the best for last.

Review for American Idol 3/27/13

Candice: this week's mentor, Smokey Robinson, said Candice made him cry last week with her performance. She said she hoped she could do it again. Well, I think she did make Smokey cry, but from disappointment.

Janelle & Kree sang a country version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer." I prayed to the god I don't believe it that I never hear anything like this again.

Lazaro: Stuttering Latino Shia LaBouf once again proved that someone can overcome a speech impediment by singing, but still not be any good at it. SUCKED.

Janelle: Sang a slow version of The Supremes' "Keep Me Hanging On." It was probably her best performance yet, but that isn't saying much.

Devin: Sang "The Tracks of My Tears" in honor of his AI boyfriend Paul Jolley, whom was eliminated last week. He shouldn't worry to much though, he'll probably be reunited with Paul this week.

Amber, Candice, and Angie: Angie is INCREDIBLE! The other two, who cares? Angie is pure sex. I'd lick pudding out of her ass.

Burnell: If music was a baby, then Burnie here would be Casey Anthony.

Angie: PERFECTION. Everything about this performance made me horny as hell. I'd go to church with this chick just a chance to get to 3rd base.

Amber: Ok, she looked and sounded pretty good. However, I have an ex named Amber, so as far as I'm concerned, anyone with that name is trash.

The 3 Stooges sang "I Can't Help Myself." Let me let you in on something. I'm a psychopath. I lack empathy. I can identify the feeling of others, but I have difficulty feeling the feelings of others. But, after this performance, I think I now know exactly how those kids at Sandy Hook Elementary School felt that fateful day. I think hearing this performance is going to give me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Kree: I hope she gets eliminated in a shocker. Angie is the Queen.

Review for America Idol 3/20/13

Beatles Night. Thank Gawd Lennon isn't alive to see this.

Oh look, Nikki is still here. I am truly surprised.

Charlie gets denied his Idol dream yet again. Looks like his brains are going to be Askewed all over the wall.

Kree: Orphan Girl sang "With A Little Help From My Friends." It's fitting that the first line is "What would you do if I sang out of tune?" Well, the answer Kree, is fast forward through the rest of your performance. I believe she secretly thanks her god her parents are dead, since they named her Kree.

Burnell: I hope Paul McCartney isn't watching this, cause if he is, we'll be down to just Ringo cause Paul will have died from a heart attack. This guy sucks.

Amber: I'll give her this: she filled out that dress quite nicely. What wasn't nice, was her performance. A baby left alone in a tub for half an hour had more life in it than this performance.

Lazaro: He should have sang "Life Goes On." That would have been hilarious. But, we get a song that sounds just like every song he has sang thus far. He sucks. He's getting by on sympathy votes, and if his reactions to the judges criticism tonight is any indication, he cannot handle this competition.

Candice: Meh.

Paul: He sucks. And I'm not talking about his sexual habits.

Angie: She looked SPECTACULAR tonight! If I was her brother, I'd do everything I could to "accidently" walk in on her taking a shower. Hell, the mom too. She is a bright candle in a void of talentless hacks.

Devin: Ryan said this kid runs a tight ship with the other contestants. Well, with Paul at least. He sucks.

Janelle: She is quite the hottie herself, but she's country, so it's automatic suck.

Review for American Idol 3/12/13

Nicki was running late. I know I'm not the only one who was hoping for a fatal car accident.

Curtis: One of the worst contestants this season is singing a song by one of the worst winners. He sucks. He's going to be another one of these jackasses who sings every song, the exact same way. I want to punch him.

Janelle: She was looking good tonight. And she sang one of the few country songs I can tolerate. But the whole performance was flatter than a pre-schooler in a steamroller accident.

Devan: This was "Watching Grass Grow With Your Host Charlie Rose" on PBS boring. I've had my feet fallen asleep before, but never my ears. He sucks.

Nicki is wearing a hoodie. Where's George Zimmerman when you need him?

Angie: Gawd, she is beautiful. Absolutely amazing. And her voice is incredible. The definite front runner. And gawd damn is she HOT!

Paul: During his interview, he said "I need to get my stuff straight." That was good for a laugh. Anyways, I had to get up and piss when he started singing. I didn't bother to pause or rewind, but from what I heard down the hall, the piss splashing the water (and occasionally the floor) sounded better than this jerkoff.

Candice: Meh.

Lazaro: I was right, the interviews with Porky Pig here are painful. Every time he performs, I'm reminded of this scene from American Pie 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEDeIvU1si8

Kree: She looks like the actress who looks like Drew Barrymore. She put a country spin on Roy Orbinson's classic "Crying." Screw you Kree! I hope the Skrulls destroy you!

Burnell: Gawd, he sucks. No wonder Mother Nature tried to kill him off with Katrina.

Amber: Terrible. If it wasn't for Angie, this whole season would not be worth it.

SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: No one sang a Lee Dewyze song!

American Idol Top 10 Boys Season 12 Review

This was all done on Twitter, so the statements are short and sweet.

Elijah:
We got some Ritchie Valens/Rufio looking jerk up first. He sucks.
Rufio Valens looks like he's got a shit stain in his hair.

Cortez:
Cortez is singing "Kicked Out Of Heaven". dont worry, I'm sure they have a nice place for you in Hell. He sucks.

Charlie:
This Charlie kid seems like a bad character out of a David Lynch wannabe movie. He sucks.
Oy vey, he's crying now. Fishing for votes.

Nick:
This guy looks like a Hipster Observer from Fringe. He's singing "Iris" and it sucks.

Burnell:
This Burnell kid looks like a cross between Malcolm X and Steve Urkel. He sucks.

Paul:
This Paul guy is boring. And he's gay. Gay people are not supposed to be boring. Sucks.

Lazaro:
These interviews with Stuttering Bill are excruciating. Where's Pennywise when you need him? Oh yeah, (Lazaro) sucks.

Curtis:
I hate Curtis Finch Jr. Hate everything he represents. He doesn't just suck, he's a black hole for all things good.
Hate the fact the judges try to pass him off as the Jesus of singing competitions. This is #AmericanIdol not a church.

Devin:
This bland guy is singing half his song in Spanish. What a fantastic way to make me not vote for him.

Vincent:
This Vincent guy looks like Randy's younger brother. When he isn't squealing like a girl, he sounds generic.

American Idol Auditions for 1/30/13

I normally don't review auditions or Hollywood Week, but these have been so bad, I can't help myself.

SAN ANTONIO AUDITIONS

Nicki is wearing her Daenerys Targarian wig. I'm hoping she steps into a funeral pyre, but doesn't come back out.

First up is some returning black dude wearing ugly ass hipster glasses. Claims he loves Mariah, but he seemed for focused on Randy swallowing. His audition sucked. He got through.

Next up were two brothers. And you can tell they weren't lying about that, cause they equally sucked. One of them looked like a retarded Justin Long. Well, Justin Long is already retarded, so let's say he looked like Justin with actual Down Syndrome. They got rejected.

A stripper came out next. She never claimed to be a stripper, but the signs were there. 1: She dressed like a slut. 2: Her name was Savannah. 3: She had a kid at the age of 19. She sucked, so they sent her to Hollywood.

Next, an ugly ass emo chick auditioned horribly. The judges gave her another reason to cut herself. Right after her was Crytabell, a religious black chick with 3 kids. Her hair was stupid. Cut short on the sides with the top styled to look ocean waves. Her audition was a wipeout, but they sent her through to the next round anyway.

Next up was one of these stupid "nominated" contestants. Her name was Ann and she was actual very good. Very attractive to. Her husband was the one who nominated her, but I think he will be hoisted on his own petard, cause once she gets a taste of Hollywood, she'll be dumping his sorry ass in a second.

Next was some Selena wannabe named Victoria. She sang "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Well, if big girls sang like this chick, they should cry. She looks like a Spanish Nicki Minaj. Ugh. She got through.

Speaking of Nicki, she now looks like the conductor of the Ho! Train!

Papa Peaches came out to audition. This guy was gayer than John Travolta at an all male massage parlor. Last year, a dog got ran over on the street in front of my house. As died, it let out these terrible howls of pain. That was more pleasant to listen to than this guy. Nicki likes it when people sound so bad they make her sound better, so she pleaded for this son of a peach to get through. He did. Joy.

A black Justin Bieber was out next. Until they identified him as a boy, I had no idea if it was male or female.. In what was a big surprise, he sang a Michael Jackson song. He sucked. He's going to Hollywood.

The next Ricky Martin auditioned last. Now, he's doesn;t sound like Ricky, but he is a gay Latino. He sucked. He got through.


QUEEN MARY AUDITIONS

Only Keith and Randy were out to judge at the beginning. The show just got better.

Medula Shedula came out first. She sounded OK. She got through.

Mariah showed up late, right after her cleavage arrived first though.

Some guy with AIDS came out next. He was told to audition by some guy in the bathroom. Probably were he got the AIDS. Hell, just listening to this guy sing gave me hearing AIDS. Rejected.

Some soldier who got blown up, then given medication that made him gay and sterile, yet somehow had a daughter with his wife who totally did not cheat on him, auditioned next. He wasn't that bad. He got through.

Next up, some chick from a band named "You Only Live Once" came out and literally screamed out "Set Fire To The Rain." This was the Greatest Audition Ever.

Nicki is back and looks downright beautiful.


That was a lie. She is ugly as hell,

Some chick dressed up as a slutty boat captain came out and sang so bad that she set off the alarms on the boat. She got through.

Thum duth width ah speedth impedimeth came out and started singing normally. His sob story got him through to Hollywood.

A Southern cutie came out and sounded great. Can't wait to see her in Hollywood.

Some girl who got bullied for being on the Maury Povich Show (and rightfully so) came out and shared her sob story to get a ticket to Hollywood.

Johnathan from Buffy The Vampire Slayer came out next. His sob story is the fact that he's short. He got a ticket to Hollywood, but Ryan Seacrest held it over his head, and made the tiny guy jump for it.

Just because Ryan was glad there was somebody finally shorter than him.