Review for AGT 8/27/13

As soon as Tone the Sucksassa opened the show, I knew we were in for a horrible night. Every act sucked, except Taylor, who is actually funny.

In fact, it sucked so much, that I decided to do something different.
So, here is a list, from best to worst. And why they sucked.

12: Taylor Williamson (comedian) The guy was actually funny.

11: Forte (opera singers) I like that song and they did right by it. As far as opera goes.

10: Cami Bradley (singer) Not her best, but she is super cute and a lot better than the other generic singers they got on this show.

9: Red Panda (danger act) I labeled this as a danger act rather than a acrobatic one, because to me, the danger of what she is doing is what drew me in. I was at the edge of my seat waiting to see if she could pull it off and was not bored once.

8: Duo Resonance(balancing couple) They do have some nice moves, but the build up to those moves took too long.

7: Innovative Force (acrobatics) Good moves, but it was all over the place.

6: Jonathan Allen (opera singer) Was dull, but didn't completely suck.

5: Catapult Entertainment (shadow screen dancers) They did some nice shadow work, but it doesn't mean anything if it doesn't go anywhere. I told better stories with hand shadows featuring a duck and a dog.

4: Dave Finley (singer) This guys voice really sucked tonight and the beatboxing was a joke.

3: Angela Hoover (impressionist) Good impressions, but the material just really drags the whole thing down into a suck hole which there is no escape.

2: Collins Key ("magician") His whole act is incredibly lame. If anyone was impressed by this, I've got a removable thumb trick that will blow their mind. Plus, I can make a wooden pencil look like it's made of rubber. And, the Joker has a nice pencil trick he wants to show you too.

1: Tone the *beep* (crap) What more can be said about this? This act just revealed how much Mel B sucks as a judge, especially when she said this about Red Panda: "I felt like I've seen it before."

Review for AGT 8/20/13

Grading System: XXXX=Terrible XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent

Let's get this out of the way so I can watch a better show, that being Face Off on SYFY.

VSU Gospel Corral (choir) A church choir. Doing a gospel version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer" Wow, they sounded just like every other churcdh choir I've had the misfortune to listen too. XXXX

Melody (contortionist) A few impressive moves. Nothing to get too excited about. Not until she turn 18 at least. XX

Dave Finley (singer) He wasn't terrible. Which is a lot better than some of the other singers we've seen on the show this year. XX

2Unique (rap crap) This was like watching Yo! MTV Raps JR or something equally as stupid. This was beyond suck. XXXX

Sam Johnson (danger act) Not knowing what he was up made me like this even more. I thought it was a very good stunt. I want to see more from this guy. X

Duo Resonance (balancing couple) The dancing was ok, the couple of balancing moves they did were really good, but nothing about it made me want to see more. Unless the chick got naked. XX

D'Angelo & Amanda (dancers) Not going to lie, I hate these kids. I hate their dancing. I hate their existence. It would not be the worse thing in the world if their feet got ran over by a lawn mower. XXXX

Selena (singer) I was hoping this girl was going to be the breakout singer this year, but she bombed horribly. At least she won't have to worry about a fan club, unlike some other Selena I know about. (and not the one that's pretending to be Justin Bieber's girlfriend) XXX

John Wing (comedian) He didn't make me laugh out loud, but he wasn't terrible either. His material was ok, just wasn't connected to it. XX

Sprice (Rube Goldberg Machine guy) I like this kind of stuff, but it just seems out of place on this show. XX

Ruby & Jonus (dancers) Not going to lie, I hate these kids. I hate their dancing. I hate their existence. It would not be the worse thing in the world if their legs wedged between two cars plowing into each other. XXXX

Catapult Entertainment (shadow dancers) They have great choreography, and the story was neat, but they ruined it by tacking on the Sandy Hook sob story. I hate emotional manipulation. XXX

Review for AGT 8/13/13

XXXX=Terrible XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Awesome

3Penny Chorus (choir) I thought they did a nice job with their classical choir rendition of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." I like to hear gimmicky renditions of popular songs, such as the Richard Cheese covers. XX
Side note: The judges blasted them for doing "the same thing" but loved Tone the Dumbass performing the same song over and over again.

Chloe (singer) Another kid singer that sounds fine, but will be nothing special in a few years. And this one just wasn't that good. XXX

Champions Forever (unicyclist family) They rode on unicycles. They did a couple neat things, but this was dull. XXX

Sinsation (3D video mapping dance group) If I wanted to watch TRON, I'd watch TRON. Hell, I've seen people do stuff with glow sticks that was more exciting than this. And I'm not even talking about that stripper. XXX

The Robotix (band) Yay, they know how to perform a song on their instruments. But the singing sucked any chance they had at being a good band. XXX

Timber Brown (acrobat) Finally, something that was interesting to watch. The whole Saturn contraption was a new element and the guy is a great acrobatic performer. X

Cami Bradley (singer) She did a cover of Cher's "Believe" and I hate that song. But Cami here made it sound completely different. It sounded like a decent song. She has a pretty nice voice too. So cheers to her. XX

Tummy Talk (stupid) Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. XXXX

Taylor Williamson (comedian) He had some funny material. He's ok. John Mulaney would wipe the floor with him, but lucky for Taylor here, John is not competing in AGT. XX

Aerial Ice (ice skaters) Same tired dance moves we've seen before. But on ice*.
Dull. XXX
*plastic

David Ferman (danger act) I understood the danger. Was impressed with the juggling of fireballs while upside down. But at no time did I feel the sense of danger. The fictional confrontation between to characters on Breaking Bad this past Sunday was more intense than this real life dangerous situation. XXX

Jimmy Rose (singer) Every rose has its thorn and singing is the the thorn for this Rose. It was just blah. XXX

Review for AGT 8/6/13

LIVE FROM RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL!!!!
XXXX=Terrible XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent


Aerosphere (balloon acrobatics) This was boring. I'm sure it was something to behold there live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, but on TV it was just dull. Yay, she spun around. Whoopity-do. XXX

Chicago Boyz (acrobatics) They had some good moves that really lit up the stage at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, but when it was all said and done, it wasn't that memorable. The Windy City is having a hard time blowing up some dust at the Big Apple. XX

Misti Dancing School (dancers) I love me some Asian chicks. The nicest thing about nailing an Asian chick is the fact that you're horny again 30 minutes later. Anyways, this performance was pretty good. Finally, some dancing at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL that actually looked like art. X

Kelsey and Bailey (dog act) This was cute, but they pretty much did the same routine as the audition. Not good enough for RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXX

Brandan and Savannah (band) Every time I see Brandan, I want to scream out, "Stay gold, Ponyboy!" This band made the right choice to sing Imagine Dragons' "Radioactive" for their first live performance at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, however, that didn't stop them from sounding like crap. They were terrible. The judges are out of their minds. XXXX

Illusionists Leon & Romy (magicians) This was stupid. They tried to do a new spin on an old trick, which came across as retarded. They should have said their magic trick was getting Marty voted through to the next round to sing another crappy song live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXXX

Deanna Gettodachoppa (singer)I don't care about her sob story and I didn't care about this performance. So, I'll take this time to say I am excited to see Peter Capaldi in action as the new Doctor. Fan-fuckin-tastic! Oh yeah, I hope this is the last time we see sob story here at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXXX

The Cobra Guy (danger act) The intesity at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL was heavy as this guy moved around woth a cobra. And that's all he did. Dangerous, sure, but it's just like motor racing, nobody really cares until there is an accident. XXX

Jonathan Allen (opera singer) It was ok. if he doesn't make it through to the next round, I hear Glee has a cast opening. And what better resume than to say you performed live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL! XX

Kinichi Ebena (dancer) When he said "Back To The Future" was the reason he came to America, I knew he had just become my favorite. And RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL finally got a fantastic performance. Leave it to a Japanese dude to incorporate a video game into his dance. This was awesome and worthy of the first Plus rating I have awarded this season. +

Jim Meskimen (impressionist) Why is this guy on this show? Look at this: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002350/ Screw this guy. He shouldn't be at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL period. Not even going to give this guy a rating.

Singing Army Wives (choir) Wow, a choir. They can't harmonize worth a crap. This was just emotional manipulative crap, but the audience at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL ate it up. XXX

Review for America's Got Talent 7-30-13

Live Shows Round 2. XXXX=Super Sucked XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent

Innovative Force (dancers) They had some good moves here and there, but nothing that really kept me entertained. Unless I was PedoBear. XX

Ciana Pelenki (singer) She sang the Pussy Whipped Anthem aka "Next to Me". I hate that song. This girl is from Hawaii. They filmed LOST in Hawaii. In that show, there were no such things as coincidences. So, it's no coincidence that this girl should go home and get lost. XXX

Alexandr Magala (sword swallower) Here we go. Edge on my seat danger. I was really entertained by this. Only thing that keeps it from a perfect score was the fact that there was no blood. X

Struck Boyz (dancers) Why couldn't these kids have been students at Sandy Hook? I hate these little bastards. It's like they were grown on a douchebag farm. Well, I guess that's what New Jersey is. XXXX

Brad Byers (danger act) This was boring. I've seen to many shows explaining the physics of the bed of nails to be impressed by anyone that implements it in their act. Have him drive over you while laying in broken glass, then we might have a show. XXX

Kid the Wiz (dancer) More like Kid the Whiz cause he took a piss all over that stage with some of the most tepid dancing I have ever seen. Yay, he can flip his hat around. No one cares. XXX

Forte (opera group) This kind of singing isn't my forte, but, I will not deny they had a good sound to them. XX

Angela Hoover (impressionist) It's fitting her name is Hoover, cause damn did she suck. the impressions were ok, but nothing about them were funny. XXX

Dave Shirley (no effing clue) This was beyond stupid. I've had watches from Happy Meals that had better timing this guy. XXXX

Marty "Dave" Brown (singer) Dave Shirley and Angela Hoover should take notes, this is how you do a comedy act! But, unlike those two, this wasn't supposed to be funny. XXX

Aquanuts (swimmers) I love a hot wet chick as much as the next person, but this was just dull. Now, since their goal is to be in Vegas, maybe they should do this act topless. Now that would be entertaining. XX

Tone the Dumbass (rapper) The less said about this crap the better. XXXXXXX

Review for America's Got Talent 7/23/13

After each performance, I will give a rating. XXXX=Super Sucked. XXX=Pretty Bad. XX=OK. X=Pretty Good. +=Excellent

Anna Christine (singer) This "11 year old" girl reminds me of the movie Orphan http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/ She sang the absolute worst version of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood", a song made famous by The Animals. I understood perfectly. I understood that it sucked.
XXX

Tellavision (dancers) I hate watching people dance. Unless there is some gimmick involved or they are doing some amazing moves. These dances have a gimmick, they dance around with monitors. It's a nice gimmick, but their presentation of it sucks. XXX

American Hitmen (band) They performed "With A Little Help From My Friends" Let's hope it's friendly fire. Just because they fought for America, it doesn't mean they get magical passes. They sounded generic. XXX

Special Head (various) What in the blue hell was this? This was the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It's fitting that Special Ed here lives in a short bus.
XXXX

Fresh Faces (dancers) More stupid dancing. Made worse by the fact that it's a bunch of spoiled brats doing the dancing. They all remind me of JonBenet Ramsey. hopefully, they suffer the same fate. Fingers crossed.
XXX

Collins Key (magician) Wow! This was amazing! He had all 4 judges tweet something different. Then, he pulled a paper out of a box hung in the air, and revealed that he had already written down everything they tweeted! How did he do that? It certainly couldn't have been the "stagehand" in the back that brought out the ladder, which hid the paper that the stagehand used to write down the judges tweets. Certainly not. I got something to put on twitter for him, let's see if he can guess it. #Sucked
XXX

Kevin Downy Jr. (comedian) After this guy performed, I imagined Anthony Jeselnik telling some of these jokes. Only a couple of them were funny. This guy's delivery, and screeching, his body movements are all terrible.
XXX

Aaralyn and Izzy (band) Yep, it's the yelling girl who thinks she's metal. This was really fucking stupid.
XXXX

Alexandria the Great (escape artist) She got into a straight jacket. She got chained up. She went into a locked box full of water. She escaped. This was about as intense as a Dora the Explorer episode. Side Note, her blonde daughter was freakin hot.
XXX

The Kristeff Brothers (balancing act) Impressive stuff. And it was humorous. Best thing on this show thus far.
X

Hype (dancers) More stupid dancing. Same generic moves we see from this type of dance group.
XXX

Brenden James (opera singer) He was actually pretty good. He does have a decent voice on him.
XX

Done with American Idol reviews.

Angie's elimination was the final nail in the coffin for this show. Fuck you American Idol.