Review for American Idol 3/27/13

Candice: this week's mentor, Smokey Robinson, said Candice made him cry last week with her performance. She said she hoped she could do it again. Well, I think she did make Smokey cry, but from disappointment.

Janelle & Kree sang a country version of Madonna's "Like A Prayer." I prayed to the god I don't believe it that I never hear anything like this again.

Lazaro: Stuttering Latino Shia LaBouf once again proved that someone can overcome a speech impediment by singing, but still not be any good at it. SUCKED.

Janelle: Sang a slow version of The Supremes' "Keep Me Hanging On." It was probably her best performance yet, but that isn't saying much.

Devin: Sang "The Tracks of My Tears" in honor of his AI boyfriend Paul Jolley, whom was eliminated last week. He shouldn't worry to much though, he'll probably be reunited with Paul this week.

Amber, Candice, and Angie: Angie is INCREDIBLE! The other two, who cares? Angie is pure sex. I'd lick pudding out of her ass.

Burnell: If music was a baby, then Burnie here would be Casey Anthony.

Angie: PERFECTION. Everything about this performance made me horny as hell. I'd go to church with this chick just a chance to get to 3rd base.

Amber: Ok, she looked and sounded pretty good. However, I have an ex named Amber, so as far as I'm concerned, anyone with that name is trash.

The 3 Stooges sang "I Can't Help Myself." Let me let you in on something. I'm a psychopath. I lack empathy. I can identify the feeling of others, but I have difficulty feeling the feelings of others. But, after this performance, I think I now know exactly how those kids at Sandy Hook Elementary School felt that fateful day. I think hearing this performance is going to give me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Kree: I hope she gets eliminated in a shocker. Angie is the Queen.

Review for America Idol 3/20/13

Beatles Night. Thank Gawd Lennon isn't alive to see this.

Oh look, Nikki is still here. I am truly surprised.

Charlie gets denied his Idol dream yet again. Looks like his brains are going to be Askewed all over the wall.

Kree: Orphan Girl sang "With A Little Help From My Friends." It's fitting that the first line is "What would you do if I sang out of tune?" Well, the answer Kree, is fast forward through the rest of your performance. I believe she secretly thanks her god her parents are dead, since they named her Kree.

Burnell: I hope Paul McCartney isn't watching this, cause if he is, we'll be down to just Ringo cause Paul will have died from a heart attack. This guy sucks.

Amber: I'll give her this: she filled out that dress quite nicely. What wasn't nice, was her performance. A baby left alone in a tub for half an hour had more life in it than this performance.

Lazaro: He should have sang "Life Goes On." That would have been hilarious. But, we get a song that sounds just like every song he has sang thus far. He sucks. He's getting by on sympathy votes, and if his reactions to the judges criticism tonight is any indication, he cannot handle this competition.

Candice: Meh.

Paul: He sucks. And I'm not talking about his sexual habits.

Angie: She looked SPECTACULAR tonight! If I was her brother, I'd do everything I could to "accidently" walk in on her taking a shower. Hell, the mom too. She is a bright candle in a void of talentless hacks.

Devin: Ryan said this kid runs a tight ship with the other contestants. Well, with Paul at least. He sucks.

Janelle: She is quite the hottie herself, but she's country, so it's automatic suck.

Review for American Idol 3/12/13

Nicki was running late. I know I'm not the only one who was hoping for a fatal car accident.

Curtis: One of the worst contestants this season is singing a song by one of the worst winners. He sucks. He's going to be another one of these jackasses who sings every song, the exact same way. I want to punch him.

Janelle: She was looking good tonight. And she sang one of the few country songs I can tolerate. But the whole performance was flatter than a pre-schooler in a steamroller accident.

Devan: This was "Watching Grass Grow With Your Host Charlie Rose" on PBS boring. I've had my feet fallen asleep before, but never my ears. He sucks.

Nicki is wearing a hoodie. Where's George Zimmerman when you need him?

Angie: Gawd, she is beautiful. Absolutely amazing. And her voice is incredible. The definite front runner. And gawd damn is she HOT!

Paul: During his interview, he said "I need to get my stuff straight." That was good for a laugh. Anyways, I had to get up and piss when he started singing. I didn't bother to pause or rewind, but from what I heard down the hall, the piss splashing the water (and occasionally the floor) sounded better than this jerkoff.

Candice: Meh.

Lazaro: I was right, the interviews with Porky Pig here are painful. Every time he performs, I'm reminded of this scene from American Pie 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEDeIvU1si8

Kree: She looks like the actress who looks like Drew Barrymore. She put a country spin on Roy Orbinson's classic "Crying." Screw you Kree! I hope the Skrulls destroy you!

Burnell: Gawd, he sucks. No wonder Mother Nature tried to kill him off with Katrina.

Amber: Terrible. If it wasn't for Angie, this whole season would not be worth it.

SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: No one sang a Lee Dewyze song!

American Idol Top 10 Boys Season 12 Review

This was all done on Twitter, so the statements are short and sweet.

Elijah:
We got some Ritchie Valens/Rufio looking jerk up first. He sucks.
Rufio Valens looks like he's got a shit stain in his hair.

Cortez:
Cortez is singing "Kicked Out Of Heaven". dont worry, I'm sure they have a nice place for you in Hell. He sucks.

Charlie:
This Charlie kid seems like a bad character out of a David Lynch wannabe movie. He sucks.
Oy vey, he's crying now. Fishing for votes.

Nick:
This guy looks like a Hipster Observer from Fringe. He's singing "Iris" and it sucks.

Burnell:
This Burnell kid looks like a cross between Malcolm X and Steve Urkel. He sucks.

Paul:
This Paul guy is boring. And he's gay. Gay people are not supposed to be boring. Sucks.

Lazaro:
These interviews with Stuttering Bill are excruciating. Where's Pennywise when you need him? Oh yeah, (Lazaro) sucks.

Curtis:
I hate Curtis Finch Jr. Hate everything he represents. He doesn't just suck, he's a black hole for all things good.
Hate the fact the judges try to pass him off as the Jesus of singing competitions. This is #AmericanIdol not a church.

Devin:
This bland guy is singing half his song in Spanish. What a fantastic way to make me not vote for him.

Vincent:
This Vincent guy looks like Randy's younger brother. When he isn't squealing like a girl, he sounds generic.

American Idol Auditions for 1/30/13

I normally don't review auditions or Hollywood Week, but these have been so bad, I can't help myself.

SAN ANTONIO AUDITIONS

Nicki is wearing her Daenerys Targarian wig. I'm hoping she steps into a funeral pyre, but doesn't come back out.

First up is some returning black dude wearing ugly ass hipster glasses. Claims he loves Mariah, but he seemed for focused on Randy swallowing. His audition sucked. He got through.

Next up were two brothers. And you can tell they weren't lying about that, cause they equally sucked. One of them looked like a retarded Justin Long. Well, Justin Long is already retarded, so let's say he looked like Justin with actual Down Syndrome. They got rejected.

A stripper came out next. She never claimed to be a stripper, but the signs were there. 1: She dressed like a slut. 2: Her name was Savannah. 3: She had a kid at the age of 19. She sucked, so they sent her to Hollywood.

Next, an ugly ass emo chick auditioned horribly. The judges gave her another reason to cut herself. Right after her was Crytabell, a religious black chick with 3 kids. Her hair was stupid. Cut short on the sides with the top styled to look ocean waves. Her audition was a wipeout, but they sent her through to the next round anyway.

Next up was one of these stupid "nominated" contestants. Her name was Ann and she was actual very good. Very attractive to. Her husband was the one who nominated her, but I think he will be hoisted on his own petard, cause once she gets a taste of Hollywood, she'll be dumping his sorry ass in a second.

Next was some Selena wannabe named Victoria. She sang "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. Well, if big girls sang like this chick, they should cry. She looks like a Spanish Nicki Minaj. Ugh. She got through.

Speaking of Nicki, she now looks like the conductor of the Ho! Train!

Papa Peaches came out to audition. This guy was gayer than John Travolta at an all male massage parlor. Last year, a dog got ran over on the street in front of my house. As died, it let out these terrible howls of pain. That was more pleasant to listen to than this guy. Nicki likes it when people sound so bad they make her sound better, so she pleaded for this son of a peach to get through. He did. Joy.

A black Justin Bieber was out next. Until they identified him as a boy, I had no idea if it was male or female.. In what was a big surprise, he sang a Michael Jackson song. He sucked. He's going to Hollywood.

The next Ricky Martin auditioned last. Now, he's doesn;t sound like Ricky, but he is a gay Latino. He sucked. He got through.


QUEEN MARY AUDITIONS

Only Keith and Randy were out to judge at the beginning. The show just got better.

Medula Shedula came out first. She sounded OK. She got through.

Mariah showed up late, right after her cleavage arrived first though.

Some guy with AIDS came out next. He was told to audition by some guy in the bathroom. Probably were he got the AIDS. Hell, just listening to this guy sing gave me hearing AIDS. Rejected.

Some soldier who got blown up, then given medication that made him gay and sterile, yet somehow had a daughter with his wife who totally did not cheat on him, auditioned next. He wasn't that bad. He got through.

Next up, some chick from a band named "You Only Live Once" came out and literally screamed out "Set Fire To The Rain." This was the Greatest Audition Ever.

Nicki is back and looks downright beautiful.


That was a lie. She is ugly as hell,

Some chick dressed up as a slutty boat captain came out and sang so bad that she set off the alarms on the boat. She got through.

Thum duth width ah speedth impedimeth came out and started singing normally. His sob story got him through to Hollywood.

A Southern cutie came out and sounded great. Can't wait to see her in Hollywood.

Some girl who got bullied for being on the Maury Povich Show (and rightfully so) came out and shared her sob story to get a ticket to Hollywood.

Johnathan from Buffy The Vampire Slayer came out next. His sob story is the fact that he's short. He got a ticket to Hollywood, but Ryan Seacrest held it over his head, and made the tiny guy jump for it.

Just because Ryan was glad there was somebody finally shorter than him.

The Last Review for Season 2 of The X-Factor

Dear X-Factor, don't ever use the music from the Inception trailer ever again. You don't deserve it.

Welcome to the Rigged-Facotr, where your vote counts, only if Simon Cowell and the producers approve of it.

The Hick: On my way home from work today, I had to take a detour. Its path took me by a cow farm. Having been a pleasant day outside, I had my window down halfway. I could smell cow manure and other various farm smells. It was horrendous. This smell shall be known as: "The Tate Stevens Smell."

The Retard: She sang an Elton John song, because she is retarded. My God in Hell, she is pathetic. This was so boring. I had to set the alarm on my phone just to make sure I would be awake after the performance was over. What a slap in the face to Mr. Elton John. But little did I know that the sacrilege would get worse.

The Scumbuckets: In "The Avengers", Bruce Banner tells Captain America that his secret to keeping The Hulk at bay is that he is angry all the time. If Bruce needs help staying angry, he should listen Emblem 3. Watching them perform, listening to them, it makes me want to curb stomp a baby.

Filth Harmony: This is terrible. This is not singing. This is every horrible act ever committed by humanity being consumed and purged out of the mouths of these 5 girls.

I can't stand it anymore. I'm done. No more X-Factor reviews this season.


While Tate was singing his second song, I was wondering if I was being too harsh.

Then Carly sang "Imagine" and Emblem 3 did "Hey Jude."


I want to meet Mark David Chapman. I want to thank him. My whole life, I looked at Chapman as a man who robbed the world of one of the most talented men to ever step foot on this miserable planet. But I was wrong. Chapman did us a favor.

You see, John Lennon does not have to hear people like Carly and Emblem 3 destroy his works of art. He does not have to suffer through it. Lennon died knowing the world loved his music. He doesn't have to exist in a world where people take his masterpieces and wipe their asses with them. Where people sing his songs thinking they can do a better job.

Lennon's greatness got him shot. Carly and the 3 jerkasses will never be that great. They will never know stardom the way The Beatles did. In the world of music, The Beatles are an ocean. Carly and Emblem 3 are just drops of dew on chilly Spring morning.

X-Factor Review for 12-5-12

UNPLUGGED

CeCe: Starting the night off on the right foot. This unplugged version of "Edge Of Glory" showcased her beautiful voice perfectly.

Douchebag 3: The electric instruments are the life support of this group. But somebody pulled the plug, so it was a flatline the whole way through.

Carly: When I take my notes while watching the show, I use a plain white sheet of paper. Doodling on the blank part of the paper was more entertaining than this performance.

5th Harmfully: Christ, another Adele cover. Enough of these damn contestants covering her songs. Adele is overrated. Just like 5th Harmony. Because if they even only get one person praising them, it's too much.

Diamond: This performance was like a glass of water being held by Michael J. Fox. It was all over the place.

Tate: Sang "Living On A Prayer" despite the fact that he doesn't have one.

THE PEPSI CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!!!


CeCe: She looks and sounds like 5 Million Dollars. She is simply amazing.

Jerkass 3: This clip from Family Guy says it all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eYSpIz2FjU

Carly: A one trick pony. If she wants to release an album, all she'll have to do is record one song for her CD and put these instructions on it "Repeat 14 times."

No Harmony: They don't need to give my heart a break, they need to give my ears a break. Awful.

Diamond: I believe this Diamond is merely a lump of coal. Sucks.

Tate: Sang "If Tomorrow Never Comes." Well, if it means never having to listen to Tate again, then I hope tomorrow doesn't come.