Review for AGT 8/13/13

XXXX=Terrible XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Awesome

3Penny Chorus (choir) I thought they did a nice job with their classical choir rendition of "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together." I like to hear gimmicky renditions of popular songs, such as the Richard Cheese covers. XX
Side note: The judges blasted them for doing "the same thing" but loved Tone the Dumbass performing the same song over and over again.

Chloe (singer) Another kid singer that sounds fine, but will be nothing special in a few years. And this one just wasn't that good. XXX

Champions Forever (unicyclist family) They rode on unicycles. They did a couple neat things, but this was dull. XXX

Sinsation (3D video mapping dance group) If I wanted to watch TRON, I'd watch TRON. Hell, I've seen people do stuff with glow sticks that was more exciting than this. And I'm not even talking about that stripper. XXX

The Robotix (band) Yay, they know how to perform a song on their instruments. But the singing sucked any chance they had at being a good band. XXX

Timber Brown (acrobat) Finally, something that was interesting to watch. The whole Saturn contraption was a new element and the guy is a great acrobatic performer. X

Cami Bradley (singer) She did a cover of Cher's "Believe" and I hate that song. But Cami here made it sound completely different. It sounded like a decent song. She has a pretty nice voice too. So cheers to her. XX

Tummy Talk (stupid) Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. XXXX

Taylor Williamson (comedian) He had some funny material. He's ok. John Mulaney would wipe the floor with him, but lucky for Taylor here, John is not competing in AGT. XX

Aerial Ice (ice skaters) Same tired dance moves we've seen before. But on ice*.
Dull. XXX
*plastic

David Ferman (danger act) I understood the danger. Was impressed with the juggling of fireballs while upside down. But at no time did I feel the sense of danger. The fictional confrontation between to characters on Breaking Bad this past Sunday was more intense than this real life dangerous situation. XXX

Jimmy Rose (singer) Every rose has its thorn and singing is the the thorn for this Rose. It was just blah. XXX

Review for AGT 8/6/13

LIVE FROM RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL!!!!
XXXX=Terrible XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent


Aerosphere (balloon acrobatics) This was boring. I'm sure it was something to behold there live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, but on TV it was just dull. Yay, she spun around. Whoopity-do. XXX

Chicago Boyz (acrobatics) They had some good moves that really lit up the stage at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, but when it was all said and done, it wasn't that memorable. The Windy City is having a hard time blowing up some dust at the Big Apple. XX

Misti Dancing School (dancers) I love me some Asian chicks. The nicest thing about nailing an Asian chick is the fact that you're horny again 30 minutes later. Anyways, this performance was pretty good. Finally, some dancing at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL that actually looked like art. X

Kelsey and Bailey (dog act) This was cute, but they pretty much did the same routine as the audition. Not good enough for RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXX

Brandan and Savannah (band) Every time I see Brandan, I want to scream out, "Stay gold, Ponyboy!" This band made the right choice to sing Imagine Dragons' "Radioactive" for their first live performance at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL, however, that didn't stop them from sounding like crap. They were terrible. The judges are out of their minds. XXXX

Illusionists Leon & Romy (magicians) This was stupid. They tried to do a new spin on an old trick, which came across as retarded. They should have said their magic trick was getting Marty voted through to the next round to sing another crappy song live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXXX

Deanna Gettodachoppa (singer)I don't care about her sob story and I didn't care about this performance. So, I'll take this time to say I am excited to see Peter Capaldi in action as the new Doctor. Fan-fuckin-tastic! Oh yeah, I hope this is the last time we see sob story here at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL. XXXX

The Cobra Guy (danger act) The intesity at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL was heavy as this guy moved around woth a cobra. And that's all he did. Dangerous, sure, but it's just like motor racing, nobody really cares until there is an accident. XXX

Jonathan Allen (opera singer) It was ok. if he doesn't make it through to the next round, I hear Glee has a cast opening. And what better resume than to say you performed live at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL! XX

Kinichi Ebena (dancer) When he said "Back To The Future" was the reason he came to America, I knew he had just become my favorite. And RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL finally got a fantastic performance. Leave it to a Japanese dude to incorporate a video game into his dance. This was awesome and worthy of the first Plus rating I have awarded this season. +

Jim Meskimen (impressionist) Why is this guy on this show? Look at this: http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0002350/ Screw this guy. He shouldn't be at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL period. Not even going to give this guy a rating.

Singing Army Wives (choir) Wow, a choir. They can't harmonize worth a crap. This was just emotional manipulative crap, but the audience at RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL ate it up. XXX

Review for America's Got Talent 7-30-13

Live Shows Round 2. XXXX=Super Sucked XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent

Innovative Force (dancers) They had some good moves here and there, but nothing that really kept me entertained. Unless I was PedoBear. XX

Ciana Pelenki (singer) She sang the Pussy Whipped Anthem aka "Next to Me". I hate that song. This girl is from Hawaii. They filmed LOST in Hawaii. In that show, there were no such things as coincidences. So, it's no coincidence that this girl should go home and get lost. XXX

Alexandr Magala (sword swallower) Here we go. Edge on my seat danger. I was really entertained by this. Only thing that keeps it from a perfect score was the fact that there was no blood. X

Struck Boyz (dancers) Why couldn't these kids have been students at Sandy Hook? I hate these little bastards. It's like they were grown on a douchebag farm. Well, I guess that's what New Jersey is. XXXX

Brad Byers (danger act) This was boring. I've seen to many shows explaining the physics of the bed of nails to be impressed by anyone that implements it in their act. Have him drive over you while laying in broken glass, then we might have a show. XXX

Kid the Wiz (dancer) More like Kid the Whiz cause he took a piss all over that stage with some of the most tepid dancing I have ever seen. Yay, he can flip his hat around. No one cares. XXX

Forte (opera group) This kind of singing isn't my forte, but, I will not deny they had a good sound to them. XX

Angela Hoover (impressionist) It's fitting her name is Hoover, cause damn did she suck. the impressions were ok, but nothing about them were funny. XXX

Dave Shirley (no effing clue) This was beyond stupid. I've had watches from Happy Meals that had better timing this guy. XXXX

Marty "Dave" Brown (singer) Dave Shirley and Angela Hoover should take notes, this is how you do a comedy act! But, unlike those two, this wasn't supposed to be funny. XXX

Aquanuts (swimmers) I love a hot wet chick as much as the next person, but this was just dull. Now, since their goal is to be in Vegas, maybe they should do this act topless. Now that would be entertaining. XX

Tone the Dumbass (rapper) The less said about this crap the better. XXXXXXX

Review for America's Got Talent 7/23/13

After each performance, I will give a rating. XXXX=Super Sucked. XXX=Pretty Bad. XX=OK. X=Pretty Good. +=Excellent

Anna Christine (singer) This "11 year old" girl reminds me of the movie Orphan http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/ She sang the absolute worst version of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood", a song made famous by The Animals. I understood perfectly. I understood that it sucked.
XXX

Tellavision (dancers) I hate watching people dance. Unless there is some gimmick involved or they are doing some amazing moves. These dances have a gimmick, they dance around with monitors. It's a nice gimmick, but their presentation of it sucks. XXX

American Hitmen (band) They performed "With A Little Help From My Friends" Let's hope it's friendly fire. Just because they fought for America, it doesn't mean they get magical passes. They sounded generic. XXX

Special Head (various) What in the blue hell was this? This was the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It's fitting that Special Ed here lives in a short bus.
XXXX

Fresh Faces (dancers) More stupid dancing. Made worse by the fact that it's a bunch of spoiled brats doing the dancing. They all remind me of JonBenet Ramsey. hopefully, they suffer the same fate. Fingers crossed.
XXX

Collins Key (magician) Wow! This was amazing! He had all 4 judges tweet something different. Then, he pulled a paper out of a box hung in the air, and revealed that he had already written down everything they tweeted! How did he do that? It certainly couldn't have been the "stagehand" in the back that brought out the ladder, which hid the paper that the stagehand used to write down the judges tweets. Certainly not. I got something to put on twitter for him, let's see if he can guess it. #Sucked
XXX

Kevin Downy Jr. (comedian) After this guy performed, I imagined Anthony Jeselnik telling some of these jokes. Only a couple of them were funny. This guy's delivery, and screeching, his body movements are all terrible.
XXX

Aaralyn and Izzy (band) Yep, it's the yelling girl who thinks she's metal. This was really fucking stupid.
XXXX

Alexandria the Great (escape artist) She got into a straight jacket. She got chained up. She went into a locked box full of water. She escaped. This was about as intense as a Dora the Explorer episode. Side Note, her blonde daughter was freakin hot.
XXX

The Kristeff Brothers (balancing act) Impressive stuff. And it was humorous. Best thing on this show thus far.
X

Hype (dancers) More stupid dancing. Same generic moves we see from this type of dance group.
XXX

Brenden James (opera singer) He was actually pretty good. He does have a decent voice on him.
XX

Done with American Idol reviews.

Angie's elimination was the final nail in the coffin for this show. Fuck you American Idol.

Review for American Idol Top 3 5/8/13

Nicki has more wigs than Mrs. Slocombe from "Are You Being Served?"

JIMMY'S PICKS

Kree: She sang P!nk's "Perfect." This performance was anything but. Kree, should think you are less than perfect, cause you are f'ing boring to me.

Candice: She sang U2's "One." Actually she sang the Mary J Blige cover. But here's the truth: U2 is one of the best bands the world has ever seen. It is a sacrilege for one of their songs to be spout out of the mouth of this foul creature.

Angie: Sang Elton John's "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word."It's fitting that her name is Angela, cause she was downright angelic during this performance. We don't need a finale, crown Angie as the champ right now.

JUDGE'S PICKS + Home Town Welcome

Candice: Her home town visit was predictably cliched. However, in an ironic twist, we got to see Candice ride a moped. She visited her poor, huge family, went to her church, and pretended like the town was at her concert to see her, instead of the free hot dogs.

Speaking of predictable, she sang like crap.


Angie: She got the hometown welcome she deserved. She went back to Massachusetts, and Angie was the beacon of light that a place recently touched by such terrible darkness desperately needed. She may not be the singer Boston deserves, but she is the one it needs right now.

She sang P!nk's "Try." Do or do not, there is no try.And Angie did it. She nailed this one. Call NASA, there is a star being born right before our eyes.


Kree: Before her video package, Ryan tried to interview her. Kree's voice is so bad, that when she began to talk, her mic screamed out in protest. They really tried to play up the emotional factor with her home visit. Kree is an orphan, but you could tell she didn't care at all that her parents were dead. Just as long as she could exploit it. And exploit it she did.

I didn't know the song the judges picked for her, but I know this: this performance opened up new levels of hatred I didn't know I had within me. If I was eating some McDonald's and I saw Kree crawling out of a house yelling out "Help me!", I would push her back inside.

PRODUCER'S PICKS

The showed this season's eliminated Top Ten members. Paul Jolley injured his hand jerking off Lazaro.

Angie: She's the best. Period. Definitely one of the top 5 Idols of all time.

Kree: When I was 8 years old, I once went over to a friends house. His father was feeding some tree limbs into a wood chipper. We were playing with my friend's dog, throwing a Frisbee around. My friend threw it and a gust of wind caught it, blowing towards his father. The dog took chase and ran into the father. He stumbled and his arm went into the wood chipper. He manged to stop it and pulled out what was left of his arm. It was a bloody, torn up mess. You could barely see the bone through the ragged flesh and cloth. But that's not what was horrifying to me. What has stayed with me all these years was the screams. The father's screams. My friends screams. My screams. Those screams haunt my dreams and have me waking up in a cold sweat.

But, compared to Kree's singing, those screams are music to my ears.

Candice: Wow, this song really proved something: Candice is going home tomorrow.

Review for American Idol Top 4 Deja Vu 5/1/13

Nicki came out trying to look like Cleopatra. I think it worked. I definitely wanted to bury her in a tomb under 100 tons of rock.

Harry Connick Jr. is mentoring again. Good, he was one of my favorites.

Songs from the Year: This One (and last year too, I guess)

Angie: She sang "Diamonds" by Rihanna. I hate this song. However, Angie did to this song what Chris Brown does to Rihanna, she hit it out of the park. Angie made it sound like a decent song, instead of some ghetto grunting. Angie just keeps on looking better every episode.

Amber: Sang P!nk's "Just Give Me A Reason." I wish Amber gave me a reason, a reason to enjoy this performance. If anyone claims Amber is "the bomb", they must mean one from North Korea, cause Amber is a dud.

Candice: Speaking of Deja Vu, she sang Bruno Mars' "I Used To Be A Man." or something like that. Doesn't matter what it was, cause every song she sings sounds exactly the same.

Kree: Sang Carrie Underwood's newest single. She was singing in front of the Eye of Sauron, which made me wish Frodo would come along and drop her into Mount Doom.


The "Standards"

Angie: This song was weird, but Angie sang it like a champ. My god in Hell, she is gorgeous. I'd watch the whole Twilight series for just one night with her.

Amber: Harry made Amber look like a total retard when asking her what the song meant. It was great. After her terrible performance was over, the camera caught her father out in the audience. He was crying, cause she disappointed him so much. Seeing this gave me a great name for Amber's performances: An Ambortion.

Candice: Harry told her to just the sing the song, like a normal singer would. She got about halfway through the song until she went back to her old tricks.

Kree: "Knock! Knock!" "Who's there?" "Kree." "Kree who?" "Exactly"

They did some group performance which was ho-hum. But Amber was wearing the great jeans and there were two incredibly hot redheads out there dancing with them.


Gawd, I love redheads.