Live Shows Round 2. XXXX=Super Sucked XXX=Really Bad XX=OK X=Really Good +=Excellent
Innovative Force (dancers) They had some good moves here and there,
but nothing that really kept me entertained. Unless I was PedoBear. XX
Ciana Pelenki (singer) She sang the Pussy Whipped Anthem aka "Next
to Me". I hate that song. This girl is from Hawaii. They filmed LOST in
Hawaii. In that show, there were no such things as coincidences. So,
it's no coincidence that this girl should go home and get lost. XXX
Alexandr Magala (sword swallower) Here we go. Edge on my seat
danger. I was really entertained by this. Only thing that keeps it from a
perfect score was the fact that there was no blood. X
Struck Boyz (dancers) Why couldn't these kids have been students at
Sandy Hook? I hate these little bastards. It's like they were grown on a
douchebag farm. Well, I guess that's what New Jersey is. XXXX
Brad Byers (danger act) This was boring. I've seen to many shows
explaining the physics of the bed of nails to be impressed by anyone
that implements it in their act. Have him drive over you while laying in
broken glass, then we might have a show. XXX
Kid the Wiz (dancer) More like Kid the Whiz cause he took a piss all
over that stage with some of the most tepid dancing I have ever seen.
Yay, he can flip his hat around. No one cares. XXX
Forte (opera group) This kind of singing isn't my forte, but, I will not deny they had a good sound to them. XX
Angela Hoover (impressionist) It's fitting her name is Hoover, cause
damn did she suck. the impressions were ok, but nothing about them were
funny. XXX
Dave Shirley (no effing clue) This was beyond stupid. I've had watches from Happy Meals that had better timing this guy. XXXX
Marty "Dave" Brown (singer) Dave Shirley and Angela Hoover should
take notes, this is how you do a comedy act! But, unlike those two, this
wasn't supposed to be funny. XXX
Aquanuts (swimmers) I love a hot wet chick as much as the next
person, but this was just dull. Now, since their goal is to be in Vegas,
maybe they should do this act topless. Now that would be entertaining.
XX
Tone the Dumbass (rapper) The less said about this crap the better. XXXXXXX
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Review for America's Got Talent 7/23/13
After each performance, I will give a rating. XXXX=Super Sucked. XXX=Pretty Bad. XX=OK. X=Pretty Good. +=Excellent
Anna Christine (singer) This "11 year old" girl reminds me of the movie Orphan http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/ She sang the absolute worst version of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood", a song made famous by The Animals. I understood perfectly. I understood that it sucked.
XXX
Tellavision (dancers) I hate watching people dance. Unless there is some gimmick involved or they are doing some amazing moves. These dances have a gimmick, they dance around with monitors. It's a nice gimmick, but their presentation of it sucks. XXX
American Hitmen (band) They performed "With A Little Help From My Friends" Let's hope it's friendly fire. Just because they fought for America, it doesn't mean they get magical passes. They sounded generic. XXX
Special Head (various) What in the blue hell was this? This was the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It's fitting that Special Ed here lives in a short bus.
XXXX
Fresh Faces (dancers) More stupid dancing. Made worse by the fact that it's a bunch of spoiled brats doing the dancing. They all remind me of JonBenet Ramsey. hopefully, they suffer the same fate. Fingers crossed.
XXX
Collins Key (magician) Wow! This was amazing! He had all 4 judges tweet something different. Then, he pulled a paper out of a box hung in the air, and revealed that he had already written down everything they tweeted! How did he do that? It certainly couldn't have been the "stagehand" in the back that brought out the ladder, which hid the paper that the stagehand used to write down the judges tweets. Certainly not. I got something to put on twitter for him, let's see if he can guess it. #Sucked
XXX
Kevin Downy Jr. (comedian) After this guy performed, I imagined Anthony Jeselnik telling some of these jokes. Only a couple of them were funny. This guy's delivery, and screeching, his body movements are all terrible.
XXX
Aaralyn and Izzy (band) Yep, it's the yelling girl who thinks she's metal. This was really fucking stupid.
XXXX
Alexandria the Great (escape artist) She got into a straight jacket. She got chained up. She went into a locked box full of water. She escaped. This was about as intense as a Dora the Explorer episode. Side Note, her blonde daughter was freakin hot.
XXX
The Kristeff Brothers (balancing act) Impressive stuff. And it was humorous. Best thing on this show thus far.
X
Hype (dancers) More stupid dancing. Same generic moves we see from this type of dance group.
XXX
Brenden James (opera singer) He was actually pretty good. He does have a decent voice on him.
XX
Anna Christine (singer) This "11 year old" girl reminds me of the movie Orphan http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/ She sang the absolute worst version of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood", a song made famous by The Animals. I understood perfectly. I understood that it sucked.
XXX
Tellavision (dancers) I hate watching people dance. Unless there is some gimmick involved or they are doing some amazing moves. These dances have a gimmick, they dance around with monitors. It's a nice gimmick, but their presentation of it sucks. XXX
American Hitmen (band) They performed "With A Little Help From My Friends" Let's hope it's friendly fire. Just because they fought for America, it doesn't mean they get magical passes. They sounded generic. XXX
Special Head (various) What in the blue hell was this? This was the stupidest thing I have ever seen. It's fitting that Special Ed here lives in a short bus.
XXXX
Fresh Faces (dancers) More stupid dancing. Made worse by the fact that it's a bunch of spoiled brats doing the dancing. They all remind me of JonBenet Ramsey. hopefully, they suffer the same fate. Fingers crossed.
XXX
Collins Key (magician) Wow! This was amazing! He had all 4 judges tweet something different. Then, he pulled a paper out of a box hung in the air, and revealed that he had already written down everything they tweeted! How did he do that? It certainly couldn't have been the "stagehand" in the back that brought out the ladder, which hid the paper that the stagehand used to write down the judges tweets. Certainly not. I got something to put on twitter for him, let's see if he can guess it. #Sucked
XXX
Kevin Downy Jr. (comedian) After this guy performed, I imagined Anthony Jeselnik telling some of these jokes. Only a couple of them were funny. This guy's delivery, and screeching, his body movements are all terrible.
XXX
Aaralyn and Izzy (band) Yep, it's the yelling girl who thinks she's metal. This was really fucking stupid.
XXXX
Alexandria the Great (escape artist) She got into a straight jacket. She got chained up. She went into a locked box full of water. She escaped. This was about as intense as a Dora the Explorer episode. Side Note, her blonde daughter was freakin hot.
XXX
The Kristeff Brothers (balancing act) Impressive stuff. And it was humorous. Best thing on this show thus far.
X
Hype (dancers) More stupid dancing. Same generic moves we see from this type of dance group.
XXX
Brenden James (opera singer) He was actually pretty good. He does have a decent voice on him.
XX
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Done with American Idol reviews.
Angie's elimination was the final nail in the coffin for this show. Fuck you American Idol.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Review for American Idol Top 3 5/8/13
Nicki has more wigs than Mrs. Slocombe from "Are You Being Served?"
JIMMY'S PICKS
Kree: She sang P!nk's "Perfect." This performance was anything but. Kree, should think you are less than perfect, cause you are f'ing boring to me.
Candice: She sang U2's "One." Actually she sang the Mary J Blige cover. But here's the truth: U2 is one of the best bands the world has ever seen. It is a sacrilege for one of their songs to be spout out of the mouth of this foul creature.
Angie: Sang Elton John's "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word."It's fitting that her name is Angela, cause she was downright angelic during this performance. We don't need a finale, crown Angie as the champ right now.
JUDGE'S PICKS + Home Town Welcome
Candice: Her home town visit was predictably cliched. However, in an ironic twist, we got to see Candice ride a moped. She visited her poor, huge family, went to her church, and pretended like the town was at her concert to see her, instead of the free hot dogs.
Speaking of predictable, she sang like crap.
Angie: She got the hometown welcome she deserved. She went back to Massachusetts, and Angie was the beacon of light that a place recently touched by such terrible darkness desperately needed. She may not be the singer Boston deserves, but she is the one it needs right now.
She sang P!nk's "Try." Do or do not, there is no try.And Angie did it. She nailed this one. Call NASA, there is a star being born right before our eyes.
Kree: Before her video package, Ryan tried to interview her. Kree's voice is so bad, that when she began to talk, her mic screamed out in protest. They really tried to play up the emotional factor with her home visit. Kree is an orphan, but you could tell she didn't care at all that her parents were dead. Just as long as she could exploit it. And exploit it she did.
I didn't know the song the judges picked for her, but I know this: this performance opened up new levels of hatred I didn't know I had within me. If I was eating some McDonald's and I saw Kree crawling out of a house yelling out "Help me!", I would push her back inside.
PRODUCER'S PICKS
The showed this season's eliminated Top Ten members. Paul Jolley injured his hand jerking off Lazaro.
Angie: She's the best. Period. Definitely one of the top 5 Idols of all time.
Kree: When I was 8 years old, I once went over to a friends house. His father was feeding some tree limbs into a wood chipper. We were playing with my friend's dog, throwing a Frisbee around. My friend threw it and a gust of wind caught it, blowing towards his father. The dog took chase and ran into the father. He stumbled and his arm went into the wood chipper. He manged to stop it and pulled out what was left of his arm. It was a bloody, torn up mess. You could barely see the bone through the ragged flesh and cloth. But that's not what was horrifying to me. What has stayed with me all these years was the screams. The father's screams. My friends screams. My screams. Those screams haunt my dreams and have me waking up in a cold sweat.
But, compared to Kree's singing, those screams are music to my ears.
Candice: Wow, this song really proved something: Candice is going home tomorrow.
JIMMY'S PICKS
Kree: She sang P!nk's "Perfect." This performance was anything but. Kree, should think you are less than perfect, cause you are f'ing boring to me.
Candice: She sang U2's "One." Actually she sang the Mary J Blige cover. But here's the truth: U2 is one of the best bands the world has ever seen. It is a sacrilege for one of their songs to be spout out of the mouth of this foul creature.
Angie: Sang Elton John's "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word."It's fitting that her name is Angela, cause she was downright angelic during this performance. We don't need a finale, crown Angie as the champ right now.
JUDGE'S PICKS + Home Town Welcome
Candice: Her home town visit was predictably cliched. However, in an ironic twist, we got to see Candice ride a moped. She visited her poor, huge family, went to her church, and pretended like the town was at her concert to see her, instead of the free hot dogs.
Speaking of predictable, she sang like crap.
Angie: She got the hometown welcome she deserved. She went back to Massachusetts, and Angie was the beacon of light that a place recently touched by such terrible darkness desperately needed. She may not be the singer Boston deserves, but she is the one it needs right now.
She sang P!nk's "Try." Do or do not, there is no try.And Angie did it. She nailed this one. Call NASA, there is a star being born right before our eyes.
Kree: Before her video package, Ryan tried to interview her. Kree's voice is so bad, that when she began to talk, her mic screamed out in protest. They really tried to play up the emotional factor with her home visit. Kree is an orphan, but you could tell she didn't care at all that her parents were dead. Just as long as she could exploit it. And exploit it she did.
I didn't know the song the judges picked for her, but I know this: this performance opened up new levels of hatred I didn't know I had within me. If I was eating some McDonald's and I saw Kree crawling out of a house yelling out "Help me!", I would push her back inside.
PRODUCER'S PICKS
The showed this season's eliminated Top Ten members. Paul Jolley injured his hand jerking off Lazaro.
Angie: She's the best. Period. Definitely one of the top 5 Idols of all time.
Kree: When I was 8 years old, I once went over to a friends house. His father was feeding some tree limbs into a wood chipper. We were playing with my friend's dog, throwing a Frisbee around. My friend threw it and a gust of wind caught it, blowing towards his father. The dog took chase and ran into the father. He stumbled and his arm went into the wood chipper. He manged to stop it and pulled out what was left of his arm. It was a bloody, torn up mess. You could barely see the bone through the ragged flesh and cloth. But that's not what was horrifying to me. What has stayed with me all these years was the screams. The father's screams. My friends screams. My screams. Those screams haunt my dreams and have me waking up in a cold sweat.
But, compared to Kree's singing, those screams are music to my ears.
Candice: Wow, this song really proved something: Candice is going home tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Review for American Idol Top 4 Deja Vu 5/1/13
Nicki came out trying to look like Cleopatra. I
think it worked. I definitely wanted to bury her in a tomb under 100
tons of rock.
Harry Connick Jr. is mentoring again. Good, he was one of my favorites.
Songs from the Year: This One (and last year too, I guess)
Angie: She sang "Diamonds" by Rihanna. I hate this song. However, Angie did to this song what Chris Brown does to Rihanna, she hit it out of the park. Angie made it sound like a decent song, instead of some ghetto grunting. Angie just keeps on looking better every episode.
Amber: Sang P!nk's "Just Give Me A Reason." I wish Amber gave me a reason, a reason to enjoy this performance. If anyone claims Amber is "the bomb", they must mean one from North Korea, cause Amber is a dud.
Candice: Speaking of Deja Vu, she sang Bruno Mars' "I Used To Be A Man." or something like that. Doesn't matter what it was, cause every song she sings sounds exactly the same.
Kree: Sang Carrie Underwood's newest single. She was singing in front of the Eye of Sauron, which made me wish Frodo would come along and drop her into Mount Doom.
The "Standards"
Angie: This song was weird, but Angie sang it like a champ. My god in Hell, she is gorgeous. I'd watch the whole Twilight series for just one night with her.
Amber: Harry made Amber look like a total retard when asking her what the song meant. It was great. After her terrible performance was over, the camera caught her father out in the audience. He was crying, cause she disappointed him so much. Seeing this gave me a great name for Amber's performances: An Ambortion.
Candice: Harry told her to just the sing the song, like a normal singer would. She got about halfway through the song until she went back to her old tricks.
Kree: "Knock! Knock!" "Who's there?" "Kree." "Kree who?" "Exactly"
They did some group performance which was ho-hum. But Amber was wearing the great jeans and there were two incredibly hot redheads out there dancing with them.
Gawd, I love redheads.
Harry Connick Jr. is mentoring again. Good, he was one of my favorites.
Songs from the Year: This One (and last year too, I guess)
Angie: She sang "Diamonds" by Rihanna. I hate this song. However, Angie did to this song what Chris Brown does to Rihanna, she hit it out of the park. Angie made it sound like a decent song, instead of some ghetto grunting. Angie just keeps on looking better every episode.
Amber: Sang P!nk's "Just Give Me A Reason." I wish Amber gave me a reason, a reason to enjoy this performance. If anyone claims Amber is "the bomb", they must mean one from North Korea, cause Amber is a dud.
Candice: Speaking of Deja Vu, she sang Bruno Mars' "I Used To Be A Man." or something like that. Doesn't matter what it was, cause every song she sings sounds exactly the same.
Kree: Sang Carrie Underwood's newest single. She was singing in front of the Eye of Sauron, which made me wish Frodo would come along and drop her into Mount Doom.
The "Standards"
Angie: This song was weird, but Angie sang it like a champ. My god in Hell, she is gorgeous. I'd watch the whole Twilight series for just one night with her.
Amber: Harry made Amber look like a total retard when asking her what the song meant. It was great. After her terrible performance was over, the camera caught her father out in the audience. He was crying, cause she disappointed him so much. Seeing this gave me a great name for Amber's performances: An Ambortion.
Candice: Harry told her to just the sing the song, like a normal singer would. She got about halfway through the song until she went back to her old tricks.
Kree: "Knock! Knock!" "Who's there?" "Kree." "Kree who?" "Exactly"
They did some group performance which was ho-hum. But Amber was wearing the great jeans and there were two incredibly hot redheads out there dancing with them.
Gawd, I love redheads.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Review for American Idol The Final Four 4/24/13
SINGER'S CHOICE
The girls visited some children's hospital. Nothing more uplifting than seeing a bunch kids who are about to die.
Amber: Sang Celine Dion's "The Power of Love" She did a great job.....Of copying Celine Dion.
Candice: Sang some song by a guy called Drake. Whoever that is. Only one of the following statements is not true: 1. She sucked. 2. She didn't sing over the top this time.
Kree: She got to sing to a baby born prematurely. Another reason for that kid to wish it was still inside the womb. She sang a song called "It Hurts So Bad." My ears couldn't agree more.
Angie: She has the power to make children look almost adorable. Hell, I think I'd suspend "Won't do chicks with kids" rule for her, if she had one. And let's thank King Herod she doesn't. My god she was incredible tonight.
DUETS
Amber & Kree: They sang Adele's "Rumor Has It." Overrated song led to an underwhelming performance.
Angie & Candice: They were great. Well Angie was. Candice should thank the producers they let her sing with Angie, who carried her throughout the whole song.
ONE HIT WONDERS
Amber sang Dumbledore's "MacArthur Park." I wish Dumbledore had been around to put a Memory Charm on me so I'd forget this performance. This was terrible. She should have sang Weird Al's "Jurassic Park." That song was a parody and this performance was a joke.
Candice: Sucked. I'd rather be hide in a boat with a Boston Bomber than listen to this again.
Kree: Sang "Whiter Shade of Pale." This performance was a duller shade of boring.
Angie: Everything about this was perfection. Her voice, her looks, the song, the atmosphere. If she walked in on a funeral for one of my parents and told me to take her right then and there, I would do her right on top of the casket.
The girls visited some children's hospital. Nothing more uplifting than seeing a bunch kids who are about to die.
Amber: Sang Celine Dion's "The Power of Love" She did a great job.....Of copying Celine Dion.
Candice: Sang some song by a guy called Drake. Whoever that is. Only one of the following statements is not true: 1. She sucked. 2. She didn't sing over the top this time.
Kree: She got to sing to a baby born prematurely. Another reason for that kid to wish it was still inside the womb. She sang a song called "It Hurts So Bad." My ears couldn't agree more.
Angie: She has the power to make children look almost adorable. Hell, I think I'd suspend "Won't do chicks with kids" rule for her, if she had one. And let's thank King Herod she doesn't. My god she was incredible tonight.
DUETS
Amber & Kree: They sang Adele's "Rumor Has It." Overrated song led to an underwhelming performance.
Angie & Candice: They were great. Well Angie was. Candice should thank the producers they let her sing with Angie, who carried her throughout the whole song.
ONE HIT WONDERS
Amber sang Dumbledore's "MacArthur Park." I wish Dumbledore had been around to put a Memory Charm on me so I'd forget this performance. This was terrible. She should have sang Weird Al's "Jurassic Park." That song was a parody and this performance was a joke.
Candice: Sucked. I'd rather be hide in a boat with a Boston Bomber than listen to this again.
Kree: Sang "Whiter Shade of Pale." This performance was a duller shade of boring.
Angie: Everything about this was perfection. Her voice, her looks, the song, the atmosphere. If she walked in on a funeral for one of my parents and told me to take her right then and there, I would do her right on top of the casket.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Review for American Idol Top 5 4/17/13
I still think a guy might win.
SONGS FROM THE BIRTH YEAR
Candice: Sang "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. She gave the song this jazzy, lounge singer twist to it. It was horrible. Save the lounge singer cover versions to someone that can pull it off, like Richard Cheese.
Janelle: Sang some Vince Gill song. Her parents said that hearing Vince Gill made her stop crying when she was a baby. If my parents tried that when I was a baby, I would have grabbed the cord from the Venetian Blinds we had on our windows, wrapped it around my neck, and threw myself over the side of the crib. Incidentally, this performance made me want to grab a Venetian blind cord.
Kree: She would be a knockout if she lost some pounds. She should run in a marathon, she'd be guaranteed to lose some weight. Especially in the legs. She sang The Black Crowes' "She Talks To Angels" It sucked.
Angie: I love her. She looked downright gorgeous tonight. However, she sang The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You." That song should never be touched again after Pia Toscano sang it perfectly on Idol a few years back. Angie did make it sound good though.
Amber: Sang the Mariah Carey version of Harry Nilsson's "Without You." While watching this, the power in my house went of for a few seconds from the storm outside. Not even Mother Nature could stand listening to this crap.
SONGS BY DIVAS
Candice: Sang some song Mariah and Whitney did together. I think it was called, "Let's Do Some Cocaine" or something like that. This performance was the over-the-top Mariah/Whitney wannabe crap we've come to expect from Yahtzee (get it?) here.
Janelle: Sang a Dolly Parton song. Of course. It was called "Dumb Blond." Never has there been a more fitting song.
Kree: She sang a Celine Dion song. And what is the rule for singing a Celine Dion song? DON'T DO IT! It's like watching a 2-bit birthday party magician trying to perform the magic of Houdini. Kree blew it.
Angie: Sang Beyonce's "Halo." Never been a fan of the Beyonce, but Angie made this song sound great. I would do her in so many ways, they'd be able to write a sequel to the Kama Sutra.
Amber: She sang Barbra Steisand's "What Are You Doing With The Rest Of Your Life." Well, one of the answers to that question is: Never listening to Amber after Idol is over.
SONGS FROM THE BIRTH YEAR
Candice: Sang "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul. She gave the song this jazzy, lounge singer twist to it. It was horrible. Save the lounge singer cover versions to someone that can pull it off, like Richard Cheese.
Janelle: Sang some Vince Gill song. Her parents said that hearing Vince Gill made her stop crying when she was a baby. If my parents tried that when I was a baby, I would have grabbed the cord from the Venetian Blinds we had on our windows, wrapped it around my neck, and threw myself over the side of the crib. Incidentally, this performance made me want to grab a Venetian blind cord.
Kree: She would be a knockout if she lost some pounds. She should run in a marathon, she'd be guaranteed to lose some weight. Especially in the legs. She sang The Black Crowes' "She Talks To Angels" It sucked.
Angie: I love her. She looked downright gorgeous tonight. However, she sang The Pretenders' "I'll Stand By You." That song should never be touched again after Pia Toscano sang it perfectly on Idol a few years back. Angie did make it sound good though.
Amber: Sang the Mariah Carey version of Harry Nilsson's "Without You." While watching this, the power in my house went of for a few seconds from the storm outside. Not even Mother Nature could stand listening to this crap.
SONGS BY DIVAS
Candice: Sang some song Mariah and Whitney did together. I think it was called, "Let's Do Some Cocaine" or something like that. This performance was the over-the-top Mariah/Whitney wannabe crap we've come to expect from Yahtzee (get it?) here.
Janelle: Sang a Dolly Parton song. Of course. It was called "Dumb Blond." Never has there been a more fitting song.
Kree: She sang a Celine Dion song. And what is the rule for singing a Celine Dion song? DON'T DO IT! It's like watching a 2-bit birthday party magician trying to perform the magic of Houdini. Kree blew it.
Angie: Sang Beyonce's "Halo." Never been a fan of the Beyonce, but Angie made this song sound great. I would do her in so many ways, they'd be able to write a sequel to the Kama Sutra.
Amber: She sang Barbra Steisand's "What Are You Doing With The Rest Of Your Life." Well, one of the answers to that question is: Never listening to Amber after Idol is over.
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