Dear X-Factor, don't ever use the music from the Inception trailer ever again. You don't deserve it.
Welcome to the Rigged-Facotr, where your vote counts, only if Simon Cowell and the producers approve of it.
The Hick: On my way home from work today, I had to take a detour.
Its path took me by a cow farm. Having been a pleasant day outside, I
had my window down halfway. I could smell cow manure and other various
farm smells. It was horrendous. This smell shall be known as: "The Tate
Stevens Smell."
The Retard: She sang an Elton John song, because she is retarded. My
God in Hell, she is pathetic. This was so boring. I had to set the
alarm on my phone just to make sure I would be awake after the
performance was over. What a slap in the face to Mr. Elton John. But
little did I know that the sacrilege would get worse.
The Scumbuckets: In "The Avengers", Bruce Banner tells Captain
America that his secret to keeping The Hulk at bay is that he is angry
all the time. If Bruce needs help staying angry, he should listen Emblem
3. Watching them perform, listening to them, it makes me want to curb
stomp a baby.
Filth Harmony: This is terrible. This is not singing. This is every
horrible act ever committed by humanity being consumed and purged out of
the mouths of these 5 girls.
I can't stand it anymore. I'm done. No more X-Factor reviews this season.
While Tate was singing his second song, I was wondering if I was being too harsh.
Then Carly sang "Imagine" and Emblem 3 did "Hey Jude."
I want to meet Mark David Chapman. I want to thank him. My whole
life, I looked at Chapman as a man who robbed the world of one of the
most talented men to ever step foot on this miserable planet. But I was
wrong. Chapman did us a favor.
You see, John Lennon does not have to hear people like Carly and
Emblem 3 destroy his works of art. He does not have to suffer through
it. Lennon died knowing the world loved his music. He doesn't have to
exist in a world where people take his masterpieces and wipe their asses
with them. Where people sing his songs thinking they can do a better
job.
Lennon's greatness got him shot. Carly and the 3 jerkasses will
never be that great. They will never know stardom the way The Beatles
did. In the world of music, The Beatles are an ocean. Carly and Emblem 3
are just drops of dew on chilly Spring morning.
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
X-Factor Review for 12-5-12
UNPLUGGED
CeCe: Starting the night off on the right foot. This unplugged version of "Edge Of Glory" showcased her beautiful voice perfectly.
Douchebag 3: The electric instruments are the life support of this group. But somebody pulled the plug, so it was a flatline the whole way through.
Carly: When I take my notes while watching the show, I use a plain white sheet of paper. Doodling on the blank part of the paper was more entertaining than this performance.
5th Harmfully: Christ, another Adele cover. Enough of these damn contestants covering her songs. Adele is overrated. Just like 5th Harmony. Because if they even only get one person praising them, it's too much.
Diamond: This performance was like a glass of water being held by Michael J. Fox. It was all over the place.
Tate: Sang "Living On A Prayer" despite the fact that he doesn't have one.
THE PEPSI CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!!!
CeCe: She looks and sounds like 5 Million Dollars. She is simply amazing.
Jerkass 3: This clip from Family Guy says it all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eYSpIz2FjU
Carly: A one trick pony. If she wants to release an album, all she'll have to do is record one song for her CD and put these instructions on it "Repeat 14 times."
No Harmony: They don't need to give my heart a break, they need to give my ears a break. Awful.
Diamond: I believe this Diamond is merely a lump of coal. Sucks.
Tate: Sang "If Tomorrow Never Comes." Well, if it means never having to listen to Tate again, then I hope tomorrow doesn't come.
CeCe: Starting the night off on the right foot. This unplugged version of "Edge Of Glory" showcased her beautiful voice perfectly.
Douchebag 3: The electric instruments are the life support of this group. But somebody pulled the plug, so it was a flatline the whole way through.
Carly: When I take my notes while watching the show, I use a plain white sheet of paper. Doodling on the blank part of the paper was more entertaining than this performance.
5th Harmfully: Christ, another Adele cover. Enough of these damn contestants covering her songs. Adele is overrated. Just like 5th Harmony. Because if they even only get one person praising them, it's too much.
Diamond: This performance was like a glass of water being held by Michael J. Fox. It was all over the place.
Tate: Sang "Living On A Prayer" despite the fact that he doesn't have one.
THE PEPSI CHALLENGE!!!!!!!!!!!
CeCe: She looks and sounds like 5 Million Dollars. She is simply amazing.
Jerkass 3: This clip from Family Guy says it all: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4eYSpIz2FjU
Carly: A one trick pony. If she wants to release an album, all she'll have to do is record one song for her CD and put these instructions on it "Repeat 14 times."
No Harmony: They don't need to give my heart a break, they need to give my ears a break. Awful.
Diamond: I believe this Diamond is merely a lump of coal. Sucks.
Tate: Sang "If Tomorrow Never Comes." Well, if it means never having to listen to Tate again, then I hope tomorrow doesn't come.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
X-Factor 11-28-12
A.C. Slater and A Woman that makes people screech are the hosts of the show.
Diamond: Somebody else to a Whitney Houston song. Overdosing on cocaine was great for her career. As far as Diamond goes, this song was the worst thing for her to do. Not even the techno beat could defeat the dull tone in her voice. The EKG reading of a coma patient has a bigger upbeat than her voice.
Vino: I have dismissed talking about Vino since the live shows started, Why? He is terrible. Downright terrible. He doesn't have a terrible voice, it's just that there is nothing about him that says "music performer." Nothing. He's the car mechanic that does great on karaoke night. But, there are times when he just plain sucks. Light tonight. He sang "You've Lost That Loving Feeling." and he killed it. Not in a good way, but in the way that the song was Rasputin and Vino did everything in his power to make sure that it was dead.
Paige: She fucking Rickrolled us. This dumb broad actually sang "Never Gonna Give You Up." R&B style. Just let that sink in. I feel compelled to call child protective services for her kid.
5 Harmonies and a Funeral: They sang Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger." And that is coming right behind the video package that told us that Baby Harmony's grandpa died. This was hilarious.
Carly: Sang "Rolling In The Deep." Because no one covers Adele enough You'd swear Adele OD'ed on some cocaine, instead of cheeseburgers. Anyways, every single cover of this song sounds the same, Carly was no different. Here is the best cover of that song: http://youtu.be/9KI0SLA0hqM
Tate: There is nothing that differentiates him from other country singers. And they all suck. Next!
CeCe: Those legs. I want them wrapped around me. Once again, she is the top start in this competition. It's a shame jealousy, sabotage, and politics are keeping her down.
Emblem 3: Before their performance, they showed a video package where they staged a bunch of girls chasing after them. Yeah, real convincing stuff. They sang "I'm A Believer." I'm a believer too, I believe that these 3 are the embodiment of everything that is generic about a boy band. Wheat crackers aren't as bland as these douchebags.
Diamond: Somebody else to a Whitney Houston song. Overdosing on cocaine was great for her career. As far as Diamond goes, this song was the worst thing for her to do. Not even the techno beat could defeat the dull tone in her voice. The EKG reading of a coma patient has a bigger upbeat than her voice.
Vino: I have dismissed talking about Vino since the live shows started, Why? He is terrible. Downright terrible. He doesn't have a terrible voice, it's just that there is nothing about him that says "music performer." Nothing. He's the car mechanic that does great on karaoke night. But, there are times when he just plain sucks. Light tonight. He sang "You've Lost That Loving Feeling." and he killed it. Not in a good way, but in the way that the song was Rasputin and Vino did everything in his power to make sure that it was dead.
Paige: She fucking Rickrolled us. This dumb broad actually sang "Never Gonna Give You Up." R&B style. Just let that sink in. I feel compelled to call child protective services for her kid.
5 Harmonies and a Funeral: They sang Kelly Clarkson's "What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger." And that is coming right behind the video package that told us that Baby Harmony's grandpa died. This was hilarious.
Carly: Sang "Rolling In The Deep." Because no one covers Adele enough You'd swear Adele OD'ed on some cocaine, instead of cheeseburgers. Anyways, every single cover of this song sounds the same, Carly was no different. Here is the best cover of that song: http://youtu.be/9KI0SLA0hqM
Tate: There is nothing that differentiates him from other country singers. And they all suck. Next!
CeCe: Those legs. I want them wrapped around me. Once again, she is the top start in this competition. It's a shame jealousy, sabotage, and politics are keeping her down.
Emblem 3: Before their performance, they showed a video package where they staged a bunch of girls chasing after them. Yeah, real convincing stuff. They sang "I'm A Believer." I'm a believer too, I believe that these 3 are the embodiment of everything that is generic about a boy band. Wheat crackers aren't as bland as these douchebags.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
The X-Factor 11-21-12
In honor of Thanksgiving, each performance review will have a video
depicting the equivalent of something the world might be thankful for.
Tate: Sang "I'm Already There." If "there" is the bottom of the country barrel, then yes Tate, you are already there. This was dreck. http://youtu.be/xcVwLrAavyA
Diamond: Told a touching tale of who gives a crap? Sang a Celine Dion song. And just like most people who sing Celine, she sucked. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJjJ5WB3izg
Emblem 3: They gave thanks to the youth leaders who molested them when they were kids. Explains everything. I have a theory that singers who grab their crotch during a performance were sexually abused as children. Thanks for proving me right, guys. BTW, they sucked. http://youtu.be/3zc52Coepgg
Arin: Said there wasn't a "Brother's Day." If there was, I'm sure it would be in February. Once again, he sucked. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12FQ2YmPJnE
CeCe: She told a touching tale about her poor sister who died of cerebral palsy. It was very heartfelt, and it made me feel for CeCe even more. She looked amazing tonight. Sang the classic "Wind Beneath My Wings" and gave a very emotional rendition. It was a very touching tribute to her sister and all of those we may have lost. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYHwStHGRtQ
5th Agony: Thanked God for whatever. Ugh. Nothing is a bigger turn off than religion. Except single mothers. Well, if "god" heard their thanks, he didn't care, cause they sounded like a choir of tortured souls that have been hired to give Satan a boner from hearing all this suffering. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icNTs30ZRvQ
Beatrice: Told some tale about a couple of tards her family adopted. Yay rah. I can see Beatrice having a hit album. If it was marketed as a cure for insomnia. For somebody with such a 'tude, she sure does give the most boring performances. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKlm-kxFzzo
Vino: http://youtu.be/zaCdKwFcHnw
Paige: Another Wah tale of no one gives a damn. Paige should have thanked her fake mother for not teaching her about birth control. Another craptastic performance. She tried to outdo CeCe with "emotion" but it came off as pathetic. Paige needs to go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgcQfIt1kqw
Carly: Sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." I kept waiting for a house to drop on her. This was all over the place. Not even a pair of Ruby Red Slippers could giver a good voice. http://youtu.be/XT7CtF5ljxY
Tate: Sang "I'm Already There." If "there" is the bottom of the country barrel, then yes Tate, you are already there. This was dreck. http://youtu.be/xcVwLrAavyA
Diamond: Told a touching tale of who gives a crap? Sang a Celine Dion song. And just like most people who sing Celine, she sucked. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJjJ5WB3izg
Emblem 3: They gave thanks to the youth leaders who molested them when they were kids. Explains everything. I have a theory that singers who grab their crotch during a performance were sexually abused as children. Thanks for proving me right, guys. BTW, they sucked. http://youtu.be/3zc52Coepgg
Arin: Said there wasn't a "Brother's Day." If there was, I'm sure it would be in February. Once again, he sucked. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12FQ2YmPJnE
CeCe: She told a touching tale about her poor sister who died of cerebral palsy. It was very heartfelt, and it made me feel for CeCe even more. She looked amazing tonight. Sang the classic "Wind Beneath My Wings" and gave a very emotional rendition. It was a very touching tribute to her sister and all of those we may have lost. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KYHwStHGRtQ
5th Agony: Thanked God for whatever. Ugh. Nothing is a bigger turn off than religion. Except single mothers. Well, if "god" heard their thanks, he didn't care, cause they sounded like a choir of tortured souls that have been hired to give Satan a boner from hearing all this suffering. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icNTs30ZRvQ
Beatrice: Told some tale about a couple of tards her family adopted. Yay rah. I can see Beatrice having a hit album. If it was marketed as a cure for insomnia. For somebody with such a 'tude, she sure does give the most boring performances. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKlm-kxFzzo
Vino: http://youtu.be/zaCdKwFcHnw
Paige: Another Wah tale of no one gives a damn. Paige should have thanked her fake mother for not teaching her about birth control. Another craptastic performance. She tried to outdo CeCe with "emotion" but it came off as pathetic. Paige needs to go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgcQfIt1kqw
Carly: Sang "Somewhere Over The Rainbow." I kept waiting for a house to drop on her. This was all over the place. Not even a pair of Ruby Red Slippers could giver a good voice. http://youtu.be/XT7CtF5ljxY
Friday, November 16, 2012
X-Factor 11-14-12
Brittney looks horrible. Can't believe I used to jack off to her.
Be sure to click the links for a special view of tonight's performances.
Jannel: She sang "Rollin' On The River." If she performs this crappy again, she'll be floatin' down the river...face down. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3khJqijDEs
Tate: He may have came in first last week, but this week, he sang like he was a number 2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRMvVXcPe3w
Diamond: They say diamonds last forever. Well, after this terrible performance, I don't see this diamond lasting another week. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-cri43ttTo
Beatrice: I liked this girl, that was until she slept sang her way through the classic Cyndi Lauper song "Time after Time." That AND she wore a hat with that stupid ass YOLO on it. Yes, you only live once, and you yet you waste your time singing like Eeyore on karaoke night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZZNxJS3mAI
Lyric 145: If real life was like a Disney cartoon and everything talked and sang, excrement would sound exactly like Lyric 145. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F54rqDh2mWA
Arin: Terrible. Should have sang "Like A Virgin" Would have fit him more. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCljZtwtByI
Paige: She should be glad her mother died when she was so young. Paige doesn't have to see that hurt look of disappointment on her mother's face. Paige fails as a singer and a human being. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdTXQNx0e6w
5th Hermione: Sang "Hero" If anything needed rescued, it was this performance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxqX76OUsrU
Carly: She sang "My Heart Will Go On." One of my favorite songs. She sucked. She does not have the power in her voice to sing this song. But the song is fitting, cause she sank...just like the Titanic! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCUTNwu-wbc
Vino: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs3JE4WRL-8
Emblem 3: Somebody call a scientist. We have 3 different proofs that conception can happen from anal sex. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFiEgwLQVJk
CeCe: Despite Demi doing everything in her power to sabotage CeCe, she still shines like the bright star she is. CeCe is gorgeous and talented and deserves a lot more respect than she is getting. http://youtu.be/bucqW0jn56U
Be sure to click the links for a special view of tonight's performances.
Jannel: She sang "Rollin' On The River." If she performs this crappy again, she'll be floatin' down the river...face down. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i3khJqijDEs
Tate: He may have came in first last week, but this week, he sang like he was a number 2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRMvVXcPe3w
Diamond: They say diamonds last forever. Well, after this terrible performance, I don't see this diamond lasting another week. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-cri43ttTo
Beatrice: I liked this girl, that was until she slept sang her way through the classic Cyndi Lauper song "Time after Time." That AND she wore a hat with that stupid ass YOLO on it. Yes, you only live once, and you yet you waste your time singing like Eeyore on karaoke night. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZZNxJS3mAI
Lyric 145: If real life was like a Disney cartoon and everything talked and sang, excrement would sound exactly like Lyric 145. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F54rqDh2mWA
Arin: Terrible. Should have sang "Like A Virgin" Would have fit him more. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCljZtwtByI
Paige: She should be glad her mother died when she was so young. Paige doesn't have to see that hurt look of disappointment on her mother's face. Paige fails as a singer and a human being. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdTXQNx0e6w
5th Hermione: Sang "Hero" If anything needed rescued, it was this performance. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxqX76OUsrU
Carly: She sang "My Heart Will Go On." One of my favorite songs. She sucked. She does not have the power in her voice to sing this song. But the song is fitting, cause she sank...just like the Titanic! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PCUTNwu-wbc
Vino: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs3JE4WRL-8
Emblem 3: Somebody call a scientist. We have 3 different proofs that conception can happen from anal sex. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFiEgwLQVJk
CeCe: Despite Demi doing everything in her power to sabotage CeCe, she still shines like the bright star she is. CeCe is gorgeous and talented and deserves a lot more respect than she is getting. http://youtu.be/bucqW0jn56U
X-Factor 11-7-12
Britney is on drugs.
For this week's review, in honor of the Movie Night theme, I've decided to add a clip from a movie that represents each performance.
Arin: He's like the one guy from a boy band that tries to start a solo career and fails miserably. He's seems so out of place by himself on stage. Plus, he sucks.
http://youtu.be/dbrpqWkNqyo
Paige: Ugh. Single mothers. She sang "Take My Breath Away" from the movie "Top Gun." The director of Top Gun recently killed himself. He must have know this performance was coming. http://youtu.be/04TqHE_PDTU
Vino: http://youtu.be/nfV87TgYH78 Nuff Said.
Emblem 3: Utter crap. If someone ever came down with AIDS, Cancer, and Gonorrhea at the same time, the doctor should tell them "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've come down with a case of Emblem 3." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka-x_1Dqj2g
Beatrice: It was decent. Not her best, but still better than the crap that performed before her. http://youtu.be/-gD05qjgKN4
Jannel: Love it when she sexes it up. HAWT. http://youtu.be/boclz41jjPE
Tate: Sang "Wanted Dead or Alive" I'll make it simpler for you Tate. "Wanted: Dead." http://youtu.be/g2KF7DAlM4E
Lyric 145: I'm Straight Edge, so I had to skip most of this performance. But, I'm pretty sure it was Stupid, cartoony, crappy, and atrocious! http://youtu.be/944cPciN-kw
Diamond: There was a reason she got eliminated last week. She sucks. And lo and behold, she sucked again! http://youtu.be/OaSuSnUJm3E
CeCe: Amazing!!! She made my eye of the tiger rise up. http://youtu.be/EbHth5ErTs8
Carly: Solid performance. Easily the best of the teens. http://youtu.be/vsBKyduk3RE
Jason: Sang, "I Believe I Can Fly" Because that song wasn't gay enough already. Should have been this: http://youtu.be/bc80tFJpTuo
C. U. Next Tuesday! (5th Harmony) Sang some song from Twilight. Automatic Suck! http://youtu.be/InR2RkBjZoo
For this week's review, in honor of the Movie Night theme, I've decided to add a clip from a movie that represents each performance.
Arin: He's like the one guy from a boy band that tries to start a solo career and fails miserably. He's seems so out of place by himself on stage. Plus, he sucks.
http://youtu.be/dbrpqWkNqyo
Paige: Ugh. Single mothers. She sang "Take My Breath Away" from the movie "Top Gun." The director of Top Gun recently killed himself. He must have know this performance was coming. http://youtu.be/04TqHE_PDTU
Vino: http://youtu.be/nfV87TgYH78 Nuff Said.
Emblem 3: Utter crap. If someone ever came down with AIDS, Cancer, and Gonorrhea at the same time, the doctor should tell them "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've come down with a case of Emblem 3." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ka-x_1Dqj2g
Beatrice: It was decent. Not her best, but still better than the crap that performed before her. http://youtu.be/-gD05qjgKN4
Jannel: Love it when she sexes it up. HAWT. http://youtu.be/boclz41jjPE
Tate: Sang "Wanted Dead or Alive" I'll make it simpler for you Tate. "Wanted: Dead." http://youtu.be/g2KF7DAlM4E
Lyric 145: I'm Straight Edge, so I had to skip most of this performance. But, I'm pretty sure it was Stupid, cartoony, crappy, and atrocious! http://youtu.be/944cPciN-kw
Diamond: There was a reason she got eliminated last week. She sucks. And lo and behold, she sucked again! http://youtu.be/OaSuSnUJm3E
CeCe: Amazing!!! She made my eye of the tiger rise up. http://youtu.be/EbHth5ErTs8
Carly: Solid performance. Easily the best of the teens. http://youtu.be/vsBKyduk3RE
Jason: Sang, "I Believe I Can Fly" Because that song wasn't gay enough already. Should have been this: http://youtu.be/bc80tFJpTuo
C. U. Next Tuesday! (5th Harmony) Sang some song from Twilight. Automatic Suck! http://youtu.be/InR2RkBjZoo
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
X-Factor 10/31/12
Paige: She sang "What Is Love". Well, I may not know what love is, but I know what hate is. And I hated this. Terrible. Side Note: She looked like The Sorceress from "Masters Of The Universe" (the live action He-Man movie). That movie sucked and so did she.
Arin: Boy, did he look awkward with those girls on stage. I don't think he could have sexual chemistry with a woman if Walter White made him some extacy. He sucks. Side Note: I never want to hear Simon say "swag" ever again.
David: He once said he singing in hopes his biological mother would hear his voice and know it's her son. Well, if she did hear this performance, I know she regrets giving him up for adoption. She probably wishes she had an abortion instead. Sucked.
Sister C: They were great. Looked great too.
Jennel: She looked pretty damn good. But, the performance wasn't very good. Such a shame.
Diamond: She's got the kind of voice you'd hear on a CD already. A Kidz Bop CD.
Vino: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A_3CyypoH3A
Lyric 145: WTF was this crap? It was like watching epileptic having a seizure after swallowing a whole bottle of ipecac. Total crap.
CeCe: Fantastic performance. Looked terrific. Sounded great. This chick is the front runner.
Tate: He's good for a country singer. But country sucks.
Beatrice: Sang "I Won't Give Up" by Jason Mraz. I hate that song. HATE IT! Despite that, I can tell this girl has talent. She's pretty good.
Jason: Gay guys can be entertaining as hell when they aren't afraid to be themselves. Song sucked, but he was entertaining.
1432: Stupid name. Stupid group. Stupid performance.
Willie: Did this guy step out of a parody movie? He's looks exactly like the token black guy whom,low and behold, likes to sing country music instead of rap. He even sings like a parody of a country singer. Crap.
Carly: If I wrote down what I really thought of this performance, I'd end up on an FBI list. Let's just say I enjoyed it.
Emblem 3: Talk about saving the worst for last. These 3are everything that is wrong in the music business today. Utter crap.
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