Wednesday, February 24, 2016

American Idol Final Season Not Top Ten

Ohhhhh Blog Readers, don't you dare be sour! Clap for your Review Champion and feel the power!

It's a New Season, yes it is!


We start off with our Top 14 with 4 of them getting automatic passes to the Top 10. And those 4 are:

Dalton, Olivia, Trent, and Big Hair.

The other ten are going to sing in hopes of getting voted into the top 10. Which 6 will get it? Well, let's see how they did.


Manny: He sang "Master Blaster" by Stevie Wonder. This was less Master Blaster and more Master Bator. Total jerk off of a performance with no real satisfaction at the end.
#MannyTheHandy


Gianna: She sang "Put A Spell On You." She put a spell on me all right, Boringus Gotosleepus. If music is magic, then this daughter of a musician turned out to be a Squib.
#WitchIsWorse


Thomas: Sang "Story of my Life" by One Direction. Terrible song, terrible performance. The only direction this kid is going is straight home.
#ShortStory


Tristian: Sang "What Hurts The Most" by Rascal Flatts. Probably the best performance of the night. It wasn't bad, not that great either. It's like getting a Loot Crate where it's filled with inflatable crowns and air fresheners and one mystery bag item from Orphan Black. You're not a fan of the show, but it seems pretty cool and the mystery bag figure was a lot better than that other crap.
#NotAPopVinyl


Avalon: Sang "Yo" by Chris Brown. In the show "Gargoyles," time goes much slower on the island of Avalon than it does in the rest of the world. And there is not enough time there to get this crap performance out of my head. Gawd awful.
#YoYoBlah


Jenn: Sang "True Colors" by Cyndi Laupner. It looked like all the true colors were in this freak's eyebrows. This performance was nails on a chalkboard awful.
#ColorHerBad


Lee: Sang "Make It Rain" by Ed Sheeran. It didn't rain here, but it did snow. And watching that snow melt was a lot more exciting than anything in this performance.
#MakeItPlain


Sonika: Sang "I Surrender" by Celine Dion. Make your enemies listen to this performance and they'll surrender too. The boredom will completely wear them out.
#SonikaTheDredgeHog


Jeneve: Sang "Ring of Fire" by Johnny Cash. Before he died, Cash gave us a tremendous cover of Nine Inch Nails' "Hurt." It was glorious. This performance, was the exact opposite of that. Absolutely terrible from start to finish.
#HurtMyEarsToday


MacKenzie: Hank McCoy JR here sang his own song called "Roses." Speaking of Beasts and roses, the one in that Disney movie had to make someone fall in love with him before the petals of an enchanted rose fell completely off. If that beast tried to woo his beauty with this song, he would not have a happy ending.
#BeastOfBurden

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

American Idol Season 14 Top 3

Scott's Picks. 

Clark: Sang "Beautiful Day" by U2. This was not a beautiful day. It was dreary and exhausting. Just like this performance. Clark is way more Bozo than Bono. Ryan noted that the only other contestant to sing this song was Lee DeWyze. Sometimes, they make this so easy for me. 
#UBlew 


Nick: Sang "Because The Night" by Bruce Springsteen. What an insult to The Boss by giving one of his songs to such a generic loser singer. It's like giving the role of James Bond to Pauly Shore. 
#LicenseToSuck 



Jax: Sang "My Generation" by The Who. She had a fun time singing a fun song, It was fun to watch and to listen to. Really fun to watch. 
#SideBoob 



Hometown Dedications. 


Nick: His hometown visit was the typical generic visit you'd expect. He sang "Back Home" by Andy Grammer. Nick is the kind of singer youd expect to see in a second rate boy band that is made up of twenty somethings. They put out one album and are never heard again unless one of them gets a gig hosting some lame show on MTV. 
#GoBackHome 


Clark: His hometown visit was boring as hell. A Cabbage Patch Doll has more personality than Clark. At one point during his concert, a choir from Lee University showed up to sing with him. His hometown dedication song was "Sitting on the Dock of the Bay" by Otis Redding, despite the fact that there isn't a bay in his hometown. This was one of his worst performances. 
#LeeDeWyzeUniversity 


Jax: Her hometown visit was heartwarming to watch. She deserves happiness and it was nice to see her get it. She sang "My Immortal" by Evanescence. She looked gorgeous and sounded gorgeous. One of the best Idol performances ever. 
#BeautyNeverDies 



Judges' Picks. 


Clark: Sang some stupid song from the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. What that movie is to film, Clark is to music.
#50ShadesOfSuck 



Jax: Sang "Misery Business" by Paramour. It was an unique take on the song and it worked. Unlike the others, Jax has continued to improve week after week. Never has there been a more clear winner. 
#PuttingTheOthersOutOfBusiness 


Nick: Sang "I'll Be" by Edwin McClain. You'll be nothing Nick, you'll be nothing. 
#NickFraudian 


And Rayvon is finally Ray-GONE!!!! 

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

American Idol Season 14 Top 5

ROUND 1 



Jax: I don't know what song she sang and I don't care. THOSE LEGS!!!!!! 😗😜😁 That's the only thing that mattered in this performance. 
#LEGS 


Nick: Sang "Harder To Breathe" by Maroon 5. Having watched Daredevil on Netflix, I found myself wondering what my life would be like if I had the same condition as Matt Murdock. 
I wondered if music would sound different too. If I would be able to hear it on a whole other level. And if I were able to hear every beautiful note amplified by a million, then I ould also hear every flaw the same way. And if I were to listen to this performance like that, I would have purposely taken away my hearing too 
#TheManWithoutEars 



Clark: Sang "Yesterday" by The Beatles. This song made me reminisce about yesterday. Because I wasn't listening to Clark that day. Ah, good memories. 
#ClarkTodayGonetomorrow 



Tyanna: Sang "Party In The USA" by Miley Cyrus. I don't care what kind of party it is or where it's located, if Tyanna started singing there, the mood would go from a Bachelor Party to a Donner Party within seconds. 
#BuzzKillington 



Rayvon: Sang "I'm Not The Only One" by Sam Smith. So, the cockroach decided to sing the only Sam Smith song I like. And he treated this song like the pestering insect he is. He crushed it underneath his foot. This sucked. Hopefully this bug that refuses to die gets squashed himself next week. 
#RaidOn 


Round 2 



Nick: Sang "Maggie May" by Rod Stewart. Listening to Nick sing this song was like watching a kid with cystic fibrosis run a triathlon. He was way out of his element. Sucked. 
#ReadySetBlow 



Tyanna: Sang "Heaven" by Bryan Adams. I don't believe in Heaven, but if there is one, and some angels up there saw this performance, I have no doubt they strangled themselves with their own halos. This was hell. 
#PainInParadise 



Clark: Sang "Boyfriend" by Justin Beiber. Boring Beckham belts bland Beiber boyfriend ballad badly. 
#Blah 



Jax: Sang "White Flag" by Dido. Jax, this is a white flag being waved for you, it's a checkered one. Because you are the obvious winner this season. Talent, looks, personality. You are ready to cross the finish line while the others are dozens of laps behind you. 
#LeaderOfTheTrax 



Rayvon: Sang "Go Your Own Way" by Fleetwood Mac. Yes, Ray, go your own way. We'll be headed in the other direction. 
#BlowYourOwnGay 



And goodbye to Mr. Crybaby Quentin. There, now you can go see your best friend Joey. And while you're at it, think about the mistake you made this season. Trying to sing a Florence + The Machine song. You don't even have a iota of the talent Florence Welch has, so what makes you think you are worthy enough to have her songs exit your mouth? 
That is what is truly whack. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

American idol Season 14 Top 7

Billboard Top Hits Night or AKA Songs You're Probably Sick Of Hearing. 



Jax: Sang "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa. She was looking great tonight. She gave the song a new twist that made it sound unique and awesome. This was a triumph. 
#PokeHerFace 



Nick: Sang "Teenage Dream" by Katy Perry. Ugh. One pf Katy's worse songs made even more terrible. He made it sound like some stupid One Direction song. Sucked. 
#TeenageWasteland 



Quentin: Sang "Latch" by Sam Smith. This was a ho hum performance by Quentin. Sounded okay, but did nothing to stand out. Hit outfit was pretty cool though. 
#PassionForFassion 



Joey: Sang "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus. She came in like a bowling ball and didn't manage to hit a single gawd damn pin. Her voice was grating. She is to Sia what Dr. Thunder is to Dr. Pepper. 
#GutterBall 



Clark: Sang "Make It Rain" by Ed Sheeran. The mentors told him to sing this song like he was preaching. I'm an atheist and if I were to come across Clark preaching in the street, and the sky opened up and Jesus were to come down followed by a dozen angels and they all shined a light down on me, I still wouldn't believe in God. His talent lacks that much of a conviction. In fact, he is so boring to listen to, if the Earth were to get flooded and there was only one ship left floating and Clark was the on board entertainment, I would throw myself off. 
#NoahsClark 



Tyanna: Sang "Stay" by Rhianna. The lyrics ask me to stay, but this performance was making me want to go. Terrible. 
#SoLongFarewellAufWeidersehenGoodbye 



Rayvon: Sang "Set Fire To The Rain" by Adele. I long for the days when Adele is just a distant memory. Anyways, this performance made me want to buy some gasoline, douse myself with it, and light a match. Dreadful. 
#BlisteringSatyr 


And we say goodbye to the biggest waste of a Save ever on Idol, Qaasim. If I never see your ugly snarling face on my TV ever again, it will be too soon. 

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

American Idol Season 14 Top 8

Kelly Clarkson Night. 


Nick: Sang "Catch My Breath." I had to catch my breath, because this was very good. He slowed it down a bit and gave it a Train-esque feel to it. Rock solid performance. 
#BreathOfFreshAir 



Jax: Sang "Beautiful Disaster." The song title is only half right. Nothing about this was beautiful, but it was a complete disaster. I expected a lot better from her and she disappointed me this week. 
#Sux 



Tyanna: Sang "Mr. Know It All." She explained that she chose this song cause it tells the story of her being bullied. The anger and pain that she had endured and overcame was expressed perfectly in this great performance. It was top notch. 
#RiseAboveTheHate 



Joey: Sang "Miss Independent." This was the perfect song choice for her. It showcased what she has been trying to sell us all along. And I am finally sold. I love her quirkiness and independence. 
#IndependenceDay 



Quentin: Sang "Dark Side." Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering, and boy, did I suffer through this. It was bad. 
#SomethingSomethingDarkSide 



Qaasim: Sang "Stonger" He stripped the song down and sounded like the good singer we all knew him to be. Tonight, he proved that he was worth the save. 
#SecondChanceChampion 



Clark: Sang "The Trouble With Love Is." I finally get the hype. He knocked this one out of the park. I actually felt myself swaying to his voice. This was perfect. Performance Of The Season. 
#AnythingButTrouble 


Rayvon: Sang "Since U Been Gone." He did a super slow version that really showcased his vulnerability. This was beautiful. 
#HeWontBeGone. 


And we say goodbye to Daniel tonight. In a few years, he will have the experience he needs to be a great singer. I can't wait to hear it. 






One last note about this review. 

#APRILFOOLS 


Truth: They all sucked tonight except Jax, who looked drop dead gorgeous, and Quentin, who did pretty great. Clark is still boring as hell. 

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

American Idol Season 14 Top 9

American Idol Season 14 can be summed up by this monologue by The Joker from Alan Moore's "The Killing Joke." 

"So... I see you received the free ticket I sent you. I'm glad. I did so want you to be here. You see it doesn't matter if you catch me and send me back to the asylum... Gordon's been driven mad. I've proved my point. I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy as everybody else... Only you won't admit it! You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this struggling! God you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet. Something like that... Something like that happened to me, you know. I... I'm not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another... If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! Ha ha ha! But my point is... My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA! It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?" 



We started the show with David Hasselhoff doing a medley of 80's songs. It was horrible and a sign of things to come. 

The "Idols" then joined Boy George to sing "Karma Chameleon." This was wretched. 

Time for 80's Night, my favorite decade of music. I'm going to hate this. 


Daniel: Sang "You Make My Dreams Come True" by Hall & Oats. This made my nightmares come true. A fun upbeat song that got steamrolled by this kid's lack of talent. 
#DullAndNoVotes 



Quentin: Sang Phil Collins epic "In The Air Tonight." This song always has an impact on me every time I hear it. Until now. For some mad reason, Quentin was singing with this weird accent that totally took away from the song. It was all I could focus on. It sucked. 
#PeonGenesis 



Joey: Sang "Girls Just Want To Have Fun." This. This. This was one of the worst performances in Idol history. It was the musical equivalent of this 80's event: 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfnvFnzs91s 
#NoFunAtAll 



Tyanna: Sang "I Want To Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston. This was as exciting as an episode of Mr. Belvedere. 
#NewCoke 



Jax: Sang Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name." She gives love a good name. I loved everything about this. Her arrangement of the song, her vocals, her looks. She is the rose in a garden of weeds. 
#JumpingJaxFlash 



Nick: Sang "Man In The Mirror." Nick now has 7 years of bad luck, cause he broke that mirror. 
#NoPerfectionReflection 



Salt & Peppa came out to sing "Push It." Damn you Geico. Damn you straight to hell. 


Clark: This moron didn't know how to use a Lite Brite. He then sang "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. He made a song about stalking sound like a boring love ballad. People love this guy apparently. And at one point, people loved "Achy Breaky Heart." 
#DimBulb 


Qaasim: Ugh. Sang Robert Palmer's "Addicted To Love." He was more subdued this time, which allowed his terrible vocals to be presented more. A stupid save. 
#AddictedToDumb 



Rayvon: Sang one of my personal favorites from the 80's Tears For Fears's classic "Everybody Wants To Rule The World." This was beyond horrible. If you've ever seen the movie "Deliverance" then you know about that scene in the woods. This is what he did to that song. He made it squeal like a pig. 
#AWorldDrownedInTears 


Goodbye to Maddie and Adanna. We will always remember to forget you.