American Idol Season 14 can be summed up by this monologue by The Joker from Alan Moore's "The Killing Joke."
"So... I see you received the free ticket I sent you. I'm glad. I did so want you to be here. You see it doesn't matter if you catch me and send me back to the asylum... Gordon's been driven mad. I've proved my point. I've demonstrated there's no difference between me and everyone else! All it takes is one bad day to reduce the sanest man alive to lunacy. That's how far the world is from where I am. Just one bad day. You had a bad day once, am I right? I know I am. I can tell. You had a bad day and everything changed. Why else would you dress up as a flying rat? You had a bad day, and it drove you as crazy as everybody else... Only you won't admit it! You have to keep pretending that life makes sense, that there's some point to all this struggling! God you make me want to puke. I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I bet. Something like that... Something like that happened to me, you know. I... I'm not exactly sure what it was. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another... If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice! Ha ha ha! But my point is... My point is, I went crazy. When I saw what a black, awful joke the world was, I went crazy as a coot! I admit it! Why can't you? I mean, you're not unintelligent! You must see the reality of the situation. Do you know how many times we've come close to world war three over a flock of geese on a computer screen? Do you know what triggered the last world war? An argument over how many telegraph poles Germany owed its war debt creditors! Telegraph poles! Ha ha ha ha HA! It's all a joke! Everything anybody ever valued or struggled for... it's all a monstrous, demented gag! So why can't you see the funny side? Why aren't you laughing?"
We started the show with David Hasselhoff doing a medley of 80's songs. It was horrible and a sign of things to come.
The "Idols" then joined Boy George to sing "Karma Chameleon." This was wretched.
Time for 80's Night, my favorite decade of music. I'm going to hate this.
Daniel: Sang "You Make My Dreams Come True" by Hall & Oats. This made my nightmares come true. A fun upbeat song that got steamrolled by this kid's lack of talent.
#DullAndNoVotes
Quentin: Sang Phil Collins epic "In The Air Tonight." This song always has an impact on me every time I hear it. Until now. For some mad reason, Quentin was singing with this weird accent that totally took away from the song. It was all I could focus on. It sucked.
#PeonGenesis
Joey: Sang "Girls Just Want To Have Fun." This. This. This was one of the worst performances in Idol history. It was the musical equivalent of this 80's event:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfnvFnzs91s
#NoFunAtAll
Tyanna: Sang "I Want To Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston. This was as exciting as an episode of Mr. Belvedere.
#NewCoke
Jax: Sang Bon Jovi's "You Give Love A Bad Name." She gives love a good name. I loved everything about this. Her arrangement of the song, her vocals, her looks. She is the rose in a garden of weeds.
#JumpingJaxFlash
Nick: Sang "Man In The Mirror." Nick now has 7 years of bad luck, cause he broke that mirror.
#NoPerfectionReflection
Salt & Peppa came out to sing "Push It." Damn you Geico. Damn you straight to hell.
Clark: This moron didn't know how to use a Lite Brite. He then sang "Every Breath You Take" by The Police. He made a song about stalking sound like a boring love ballad. People love this guy apparently. And at one point, people loved "Achy Breaky Heart."
#DimBulb
Qaasim: Ugh. Sang Robert Palmer's "Addicted To Love." He was more subdued this time, which allowed his terrible vocals to be presented more. A stupid save.
#AddictedToDumb
Rayvon: Sang one of my personal favorites from the 80's Tears For Fears's classic "Everybody Wants To Rule The World." This was beyond horrible. If you've ever seen the movie "Deliverance" then you know about that scene in the woods. This is what he did to that song. He made it squeal like a pig.
#AWorldDrownedInTears
Goodbye to Maddie and Adanna. We will always remember to forget you.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Thursday, March 19, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 10
You want to save this show, but you don't want it to change. You're all puppets, tangled in strings. I am free to destroy this show.
There are no strings on me.
We opened with the top 11 singing "Get Lucky." It sounded like it belonged ona Kidsz Bop CD.
Adanna: Sang some Jennifer Hudson song from "Dreamgirls." This was less dream and more nightmare. She tried too hard to be like Hudson and failed miserably.
#RequiemForADreamGirl
Daniel: Sang "Lost Stars" by Adam Levine. He managed to get a higher pitch than Adam in some parts, which is not a good thing. The other parts were complete trash.
#ThereWillBeSuck
Rayvon: Sang "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees. This was beyond terrible. I had a hell of a time stayin' alive myself, cause I was begging for the sweet release of death to take me away from the vocal torture he was performing on my ears. And my soul.
#IdolRayvonMassacre.
Nick: "Sang "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins. I don't even know what the hell he was trying to do with this song. It was like giving a cook a bunch of great ingredients for a meal, all he makes is soup.
#AFewGoodPerformances
Joey: Did a cover of Gary Jules' cover of Tears For Fears' "Mad World." A song from "Donnie Darko," a movie that was confusing as hell, and yet it made more sense than how in the hell this joke keeps making it week to week.
#KrappyKlownsFromOuterSpace
Tyanna: Sang "Circle of Life" from "The Lion King." I wanted to feed her to the hyenas, this sucked so much.
#CHUD
Quentin: Gave a surprising performance with "You're The One That I Want" from "Greese." This was classic Quentin. Solid performance.
#GloriousBasterd
Maddie: Sang "Let's Hear It For The Boy" from "Footloose". If John Lithgow's character had heard her sing, he would have banned dancing and singing in the town.
#GetGoneGirl
Clark: I swear, Lee DeWyze had more personality than this guy. This was the most boring performance in the history of Idol. And by the most boring singer ever. I don't even remember what he sang, and I wrote it down.
#TheBoredIdentity
Jax: Sang some song from "The Wedding Singer." This girl looks and sounds like a movie star. She is fantastic.
#JaxToTheFuture
And now we come to the most IDIOTIC, STUPID, DUMB, MIND BOGGLING, decision ever made in the history of Idol.
Quaasim performs his Save Me song, "Come Together" and it was downright atrocious. More of his typical style over substance, but this time it was turned up to 11. He had props, he made stupid faces, he was all over the place. And he sounded terrible.
And the Judges saved him.
They saved him.
I can't even comprehend this. Absurdly stupid.
There are no strings on me.
We opened with the top 11 singing "Get Lucky." It sounded like it belonged ona Kidsz Bop CD.
Adanna: Sang some Jennifer Hudson song from "Dreamgirls." This was less dream and more nightmare. She tried too hard to be like Hudson and failed miserably.
#RequiemForADreamGirl
Daniel: Sang "Lost Stars" by Adam Levine. He managed to get a higher pitch than Adam in some parts, which is not a good thing. The other parts were complete trash.
#ThereWillBeSuck
Rayvon: Sang "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees. This was beyond terrible. I had a hell of a time stayin' alive myself, cause I was begging for the sweet release of death to take me away from the vocal torture he was performing on my ears. And my soul.
#IdolRayvonMassacre.
Nick: "Sang "Danger Zone" by Kenny Loggins. I don't even know what the hell he was trying to do with this song. It was like giving a cook a bunch of great ingredients for a meal, all he makes is soup.
#AFewGoodPerformances
Joey: Did a cover of Gary Jules' cover of Tears For Fears' "Mad World." A song from "Donnie Darko," a movie that was confusing as hell, and yet it made more sense than how in the hell this joke keeps making it week to week.
#KrappyKlownsFromOuterSpace
Tyanna: Sang "Circle of Life" from "The Lion King." I wanted to feed her to the hyenas, this sucked so much.
#CHUD
Quentin: Gave a surprising performance with "You're The One That I Want" from "Greese." This was classic Quentin. Solid performance.
#GloriousBasterd
Maddie: Sang "Let's Hear It For The Boy" from "Footloose". If John Lithgow's character had heard her sing, he would have banned dancing and singing in the town.
#GetGoneGirl
Clark: I swear, Lee DeWyze had more personality than this guy. This was the most boring performance in the history of Idol. And by the most boring singer ever. I don't even remember what he sang, and I wrote it down.
#TheBoredIdentity
Jax: Sang some song from "The Wedding Singer." This girl looks and sounds like a movie star. She is fantastic.
#JaxToTheFuture
And now we come to the most IDIOTIC, STUPID, DUMB, MIND BOGGLING, decision ever made in the history of Idol.
Quaasim performs his Save Me song, "Come Together" and it was downright atrocious. More of his typical style over substance, but this time it was turned up to 11. He had props, he made stupid faces, he was all over the place. And he sounded terrible.
And the Judges saved him.
They saved him.
I can't even comprehend this. Absurdly stupid.
Thursday, March 12, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 11
This show is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The judges spew out lies and they will drown in them. The accumulated filth of all the suckiness and talentless performances will foam up at the waists of the singers and they will look up at me and scream "Help us!" And I will look down and whisper "No."
Rayvon: Gave us a rendition of Ellie Goulding's "Burn." The song itself is bad, but Ellie is hot as hell, therefor she is allowed to sing a bad song like this one, anyone else is just going to suck. Rayvon proved this.
#HeatResistant
Maddie: Country girl sang a Country song so Country that it had "Country" in the title. Country x Country x Country x Country = Sucks.
#KickHerInTheCountry
Joey: Well, looks like the clown made it to the next round. And to remind us all what a joke she is, she sang an Iggy Azalea song. And it was terrible. It would have been funny if it wasn't so sad.
#SomebodySpikedThePunchline
Clark: From week to week, I completely forget this guy even exists. This guy is as generic as it gets.
#BlandItLikeBeckham
Jax: Sang Taylor Swift's "Blank Space." She gave it an 80's pop twist to it which was pretty cool. Should could have done without the interaction with the staged boy in the audience, but other than that, it was a solid performance.
#SheCanWriteMyName
Qaasim: He sang "Jet" by Paul McCartney which was fitting, cause this performance was a plane crash. It proved what I have been saying all along. All style, no substance. Sucked.
#HitTheEject
Adanna: Sang "Runaway Baby." This was an abortion.
#DumpsterBaby
Tyanna: Sang "Tightrope." I don't think the rope was very tight, cause she was all over the place with this.
#CutTheRope
Daniel: Sang "Happy" which automatically makes him the worst contestant this season.
#Crappy
Quentin: Sang "Rolling In The Deep" despite giving it a quasi-reggae twist to it, it was still an unnecessary Adele cover and definitely not up to the standars of his past performances.
#HeWasRollingSomething
Nick: Sang "Wake Me Up." My sentiments exactly. This performance should have come with a "do no operate heavy machinery while listening to this" warning. Sucked.
#SnoozeYouLose
And we say goodbye Sarina Joi.
Forever.
Rayvon: Gave us a rendition of Ellie Goulding's "Burn." The song itself is bad, but Ellie is hot as hell, therefor she is allowed to sing a bad song like this one, anyone else is just going to suck. Rayvon proved this.
#HeatResistant
Maddie: Country girl sang a Country song so Country that it had "Country" in the title. Country x Country x Country x Country = Sucks.
#KickHerInTheCountry
Joey: Well, looks like the clown made it to the next round. And to remind us all what a joke she is, she sang an Iggy Azalea song. And it was terrible. It would have been funny if it wasn't so sad.
#SomebodySpikedThePunchline
Clark: From week to week, I completely forget this guy even exists. This guy is as generic as it gets.
#BlandItLikeBeckham
Jax: Sang Taylor Swift's "Blank Space." She gave it an 80's pop twist to it which was pretty cool. Should could have done without the interaction with the staged boy in the audience, but other than that, it was a solid performance.
#SheCanWriteMyName
Qaasim: He sang "Jet" by Paul McCartney which was fitting, cause this performance was a plane crash. It proved what I have been saying all along. All style, no substance. Sucked.
#HitTheEject
Adanna: Sang "Runaway Baby." This was an abortion.
#DumpsterBaby
Tyanna: Sang "Tightrope." I don't think the rope was very tight, cause she was all over the place with this.
#CutTheRope
Daniel: Sang "Happy" which automatically makes him the worst contestant this season.
#Crappy
Quentin: Sang "Rolling In The Deep" despite giving it a quasi-reggae twist to it, it was still an unnecessary Adele cover and definitely not up to the standars of his past performances.
#HeWasRollingSomething
Nick: Sang "Wake Me Up." My sentiments exactly. This performance should have come with a "do no operate heavy machinery while listening to this" warning. Sucked.
#SnoozeYouLose
And we say goodbye Sarina Joi.
Forever.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 8 Gals
Tyanna: She sang "Rockin' Robin." The 2nd person to take up the mantle of Batman's sidekick, Robin, was a young man by the name of Jason Todd. Originally, Todd was beaten to a bloody pulp with a crowbar and then blown up all at the hands of The Joker. (And the fans who voted for this to happen.) This performance was the audio equivalent of that beating.
#BlewBird
Loren: She screeched out some old Michael Jackson song. Sounded horrible. She was obviously on some kind of drug tonight.
#JustSayNo
Maddie: This generic blonde teen cheerleader sang "I'll Be There" by the Jackson 5. Well, if she's going to be singing there, I won't be there.
#AmericanBoredom
Joey: How in the blue hell did she get through? I bet the same lunatics that voted for Alex last season are voting for this Tumblr Feminist Poster Chick. She attempted to sing "Shop Around." Well, if she's on sale, that store is going to go bankrupt. Sucked.
#DullMart
Sarina Joi: This performance was such a wreck, I thought I was watching footage of Harrison Ford's plane crash. Sucked.
#SingSoloWeCantHearYou
Adanna: Sang "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie. In the song, it is asked, "Is it me you're looking for?" Well, Adanna, the answer to that question is a resounding "No!"
#Goodbye
Jax: She was wearing The Dress. You know, the blue and black one. If she came up to me wearing that dress, I'd tell her to take it off so I could get a closer look. The dress may be blue, but she is downright pure gold. Easily the best this season.
#DressYouUpWithMyLove
Alexis: So this boring chick gets through but not the gorgeous Shi or that JB Shannon. A crime has been committed and you the stupid American public is guilty.
#ShiWasRobbed.
#BlewBird
Loren: She screeched out some old Michael Jackson song. Sounded horrible. She was obviously on some kind of drug tonight.
#JustSayNo
Maddie: This generic blonde teen cheerleader sang "I'll Be There" by the Jackson 5. Well, if she's going to be singing there, I won't be there.
#AmericanBoredom
Joey: How in the blue hell did she get through? I bet the same lunatics that voted for Alex last season are voting for this Tumblr Feminist Poster Chick. She attempted to sing "Shop Around." Well, if she's on sale, that store is going to go bankrupt. Sucked.
#DullMart
Sarina Joi: This performance was such a wreck, I thought I was watching footage of Harrison Ford's plane crash. Sucked.
#SingSoloWeCantHearYou
Adanna: Sang "Hello" by Lionel Ritchie. In the song, it is asked, "Is it me you're looking for?" Well, Adanna, the answer to that question is a resounding "No!"
#Goodbye
Jax: She was wearing The Dress. You know, the blue and black one. If she came up to me wearing that dress, I'd tell her to take it off so I could get a closer look. The dress may be blue, but she is downright pure gold. Easily the best this season.
#DressYouUpWithMyLove
Alexis: So this boring chick gets through but not the gorgeous Shi or that JB Shannon. A crime has been committed and you the stupid American public is guilty.
#ShiWasRobbed.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
American Idol Season 14 Top 8 Guys.
Aretha Franklin started the show by singing "I Will Survive." And most of us are surprised she has.
Daniel: Sang "How Sweet It is To Be Loved By You." They are singing in Detroit again. Makes me think of 8 Mile. And it makes me wish Daniel was 8 miles away from a microphone. Sucked.
#HeSangReallyGaye
Mark: Sang "Papa Was A Rolling Stone." A rolling stone grows no moss and Mark here couldn't grow a decent fan base if his father was one of The Rolling Stones. Sucked.
#SonOfAMick
Rayvon: Sang "My Girl." I remember a Macaulay Culkin movie by the same name. Gawd, I was hoping a swarm of bees would come in and stop this performance. Sucked.
#HeCantSingWithoutHisGlasses
Adam: Caleb 2.0 here belted out some dreck. Gawd awful performance. This guy is really is the result of Jack Black and Kyle Glass having a baby together. Sucked.
#TenaciousSTD
Clark: Before he took the stage, some music guy read off some lies from a teleprompter.
Like this for example:
Clark's performance was fantastic.
This is the best season yet! Can't
wait to see what comes next!
It's easy to lie when others have to cover up the truth.
#BlankLookOnMyFace
Nick: Sang a Stevie Wonder song.Stevie is blind. This performance made me with I was deaf. Sucked.
#SingerOfALesserGod
Qaasim: He funked this performance up. More style than substance. Atrocious dinging.
#FlashFlunk
Quentin: Easily the best of the guys. He actually gave a descent performance. Don't need to take a peak into the future to know he'll be the last guy standing.
#QuentinLeap
And so we say goodbye to the 2 country jerks, the nerd, and one of the black guys. It was nice not knowing any of you.
Daniel: Sang "How Sweet It is To Be Loved By You." They are singing in Detroit again. Makes me think of 8 Mile. And it makes me wish Daniel was 8 miles away from a microphone. Sucked.
#HeSangReallyGaye
Mark: Sang "Papa Was A Rolling Stone." A rolling stone grows no moss and Mark here couldn't grow a decent fan base if his father was one of The Rolling Stones. Sucked.
#SonOfAMick
Rayvon: Sang "My Girl." I remember a Macaulay Culkin movie by the same name. Gawd, I was hoping a swarm of bees would come in and stop this performance. Sucked.
#HeCantSingWithoutHisGlasses
Adam: Caleb 2.0 here belted out some dreck. Gawd awful performance. This guy is really is the result of Jack Black and Kyle Glass having a baby together. Sucked.
#TenaciousSTD
Clark: Before he took the stage, some music guy read off some lies from a teleprompter.
Like this for example:
Clark's performance was fantastic.
This is the best season yet! Can't
wait to see what comes next!
It's easy to lie when others have to cover up the truth.
#BlankLookOnMyFace
Nick: Sang a Stevie Wonder song.Stevie is blind. This performance made me with I was deaf. Sucked.
#SingerOfALesserGod
Qaasim: He funked this performance up. More style than substance. Atrocious dinging.
#FlashFlunk
Quentin: Easily the best of the guys. He actually gave a descent performance. Don't need to take a peak into the future to know he'll be the last guy standing.
#QuentinLeap
And so we say goodbye to the 2 country jerks, the nerd, and one of the black guys. It was nice not knowing any of you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)