Due to somebody throwing a hissy fit over a small joke I made in my last review, this week's review will be started with a warning: Read At Your Own Risk.
Rated SR-MA for graphic content, mature situations, and sexual violence.
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Sexual Assault, Sexual Mutilation, Molestation, Bullying, Toe Stubbing, Alex Performances, Somebody Turning Off The Lights While You're In The Bathroom, Avril Lavigne's "Hello Kitty," Child Murder, Getting Mocked For Wearing A Stupid Shirt, Getting Asked To Have Some Coffee While In An Elevator, Hashtags, The "Love & Monsters" Episode of Doctor Who, and White Male Privilege.
ROCK AND ROLL
Jena: She sang "Barracuda." Barracudas are piranha like fish that have sharp teeth that they use to rip apart their prey. That description is fitting for Jena, since she ripped apart this song like it was a smaller fish. It was a bloody mess.
#SmellsFishy
Sam: He sang "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. It's time all right, time for this boring generic kid to get off this show. His 15 minutes are almost up.
#00:14:59
CJ: He sang "American Woman." They way he sang this, it was like the American Woman he was singing about was Susan Smith. Remember her? She locked her two kids in a car and then pushed it into a lake. Killing them. She then blamed it on a black guy. Well, this time the black guy was responsible for the atrocity. The victim of the crime was this song.
#CarJacker
Alex: I was thinking about those poor kids that Susan Smith killed. There they were, sitting in that car, not knowing what mommy was doing, but they trusted her. Yes, they were young, but they had to know that as soon as the water started filling the car and that they couldn't get out, that their very own mother was doing something bad to them. It must have been sheer horror. But as bad as that was, it could have been worst. Susan could have left the radio on while it was playing Alex's performance.
#FateWorseThanDeath
Caleb: This should be something new, what's that? Oh, it's Caleb singing a rock song. Nostrodomus would have rolled his eyes at how predictable this performance was.
#DropTheMicPermanently
Jessica: She sang "Don't You Want Somebody To Love." I have somebody to love Jess, it's you. You are the saving grace of this season.
#IdGiveHerSomeRhythmicDelivery
country
Sam: This was nails on a chalkboard bad. The only thing holding him us is the screams of dumb teenage girls.
#NoMas
They brought out Grumpy Cat. He should be the mascot for this show.
Caleb: He sang a Carrie Underwood song. And he showed us what kind of talent he truly has. He took this song and made sound just like all of his other performances. People who like Caleb also enjoy getting drunk and running their heads into a wall.
#WeKnowWhyTheCatIsGrumpy
Alex: He sang "Always On My Mind." I'm sorry, "sang" is the wrong word. Mutilated is much better. He took this song, tied it up, and went at it's no-no parts with a broken wooden broom handle. Without lube. He turned it int their so many times that the handle started to splinter. He then took out and covered it in jalepeno juice and salt and stuck it back in there. After he was finished, he just left it for dead.
#ImSureItWasAskingForIt
Jena: This was so dull, my mind actually went blank. I got nothing.
#ThatHelloKittySongSucks
CJ: It's a shame Robert Stack is dead, because we have a genuine Unsolved Mystery on our hands. How in the hell is CJ still in this competition? He is so bad.
#CountryJoke'
Jessica: She sang "Jolene." I could never stand this song, until now. Jessica gave this song the edge is desperately needed. What a gifted artist.
#NoOneCouldTakeMeAwayFromHer.
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