The top 5 revealed their celeb crushes.
Jessica said she liked Jensen Ackles. Supernatural fangirl. I lover her even more.
Alex revealed he like Zooey Deschanel. In other news, pandas like bamboo sticks.
Jason Mraz is here as a guest mentor, because Alex needs all the help he can get.
Alex: He sang "Sweater Weather." I like this song and it was the
perfect choice for Alex. Because it showcased just how much of a copycat
he really is. There is no originality with Alex, or Sam or Caleb for
that matter, but Alex sticks out like a cheap ripoff.
#HumanXerox
Caleb: He sang "Don't Want To Miss A Thing." Well, now we know why
Caleb doesn't stray to far from his usual rock performances. His attempt
to do a power ballad was about as successful as Alex trying to sing aq
song without making weird faces.
#DidWantToMissThis
Alex, Sam, and Jena: They sang "Best Day Of My Life."
#WorstDayOfMyLife
Jessica: She sang "Human" by Christina Perri. All of Perri's songs
are boring and depressive, so Jess had her work cut out for her. She
nailed it. She brought some humanity to this song.
#HumanLeague
Sam: Sam's celeb crush came out. Some singer chick that was really
cute. Alex was awkward as hell around her. He sang "Sing" by Ed "Lady
Killer" Sheeran. Speaking of awkward, that's what Sam brought to this
performance. And his generic sounding voice.
#WoolfInDweebsClothing
Jena: She sang "My Body" by some stupid band. Jena cannot walk and
sing at the same time. Her grating voice suffer even more from her
moving around. She is as appealing as an jalepeno enema.
#Poorformance
Jessica & Caleb: They sang the Stone's "Beast of Burden." There has never been a better description of Caleb than that.
#BeautyAndTheBeastRoundTwo
Alex: He sang "Say Something." This was the most nauseating
performance in the history of Idol. Seriously, I had to chug Pepto
Bismol just to get through it. His vocals were so all over the place
that it made my head spin. His facial expressions were something out of a
sideshow freak show. Horrendous doesn't even begin to describe this. I
hope Alex gets married one day. And I hope the colors of the wedding are
Red and Purple.
#SingNothing
Jena: She sang "Valerie" by Amy Winehouse. This sucked. However, I
do feel Amy Winehouse is a good artist for Jena to emulate. The first
drink is on me.
#BottomsUp
Sam: He sang How To Save A Life." Step 1, don't let anybody listen to this performance. It'll make them want to commit suicide.
#HowToTakeALife
Jessica: Now this was the performance of the night. This was pure
sexiness. Jess' voice, that dress. THAT LEG. Damn, this was great. She
is the best singer this singer, and that is fact.
#THATLEG
Caleb: "In the still of the night, I like to yell into the mic, cause that's the only way I know how to sing!"
#KingOfScream
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
American Idol Top 6 4/23/14
Due to somebody throwing a hissy fit over a small joke I made in my last review, this week's review will be started with a warning: Read At Your Own Risk.
Rated SR-MA for graphic content, mature situations, and sexual violence.
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Sexual Assault, Sexual Mutilation, Molestation, Bullying, Toe Stubbing, Alex Performances, Somebody Turning Off The Lights While You're In The Bathroom, Avril Lavigne's "Hello Kitty," Child Murder, Getting Mocked For Wearing A Stupid Shirt, Getting Asked To Have Some Coffee While In An Elevator, Hashtags, The "Love & Monsters" Episode of Doctor Who, and White Male Privilege.
ROCK AND ROLL
Jena: She sang "Barracuda." Barracudas are piranha like fish that have sharp teeth that they use to rip apart their prey. That description is fitting for Jena, since she ripped apart this song like it was a smaller fish. It was a bloody mess.
#SmellsFishy
Sam: He sang "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. It's time all right, time for this boring generic kid to get off this show. His 15 minutes are almost up.
#00:14:59
CJ: He sang "American Woman." They way he sang this, it was like the American Woman he was singing about was Susan Smith. Remember her? She locked her two kids in a car and then pushed it into a lake. Killing them. She then blamed it on a black guy. Well, this time the black guy was responsible for the atrocity. The victim of the crime was this song.
#CarJacker
Alex: I was thinking about those poor kids that Susan Smith killed. There they were, sitting in that car, not knowing what mommy was doing, but they trusted her. Yes, they were young, but they had to know that as soon as the water started filling the car and that they couldn't get out, that their very own mother was doing something bad to them. It must have been sheer horror. But as bad as that was, it could have been worst. Susan could have left the radio on while it was playing Alex's performance.
#FateWorseThanDeath
Caleb: This should be something new, what's that? Oh, it's Caleb singing a rock song. Nostrodomus would have rolled his eyes at how predictable this performance was.
#DropTheMicPermanently
Jessica: She sang "Don't You Want Somebody To Love." I have somebody to love Jess, it's you. You are the saving grace of this season.
#IdGiveHerSomeRhythmicDelivery
country
Sam: This was nails on a chalkboard bad. The only thing holding him us is the screams of dumb teenage girls.
#NoMas
They brought out Grumpy Cat. He should be the mascot for this show.
Caleb: He sang a Carrie Underwood song. And he showed us what kind of talent he truly has. He took this song and made sound just like all of his other performances. People who like Caleb also enjoy getting drunk and running their heads into a wall.
#WeKnowWhyTheCatIsGrumpy
Alex: He sang "Always On My Mind." I'm sorry, "sang" is the wrong word. Mutilated is much better. He took this song, tied it up, and went at it's no-no parts with a broken wooden broom handle. Without lube. He turned it int their so many times that the handle started to splinter. He then took out and covered it in jalepeno juice and salt and stuck it back in there. After he was finished, he just left it for dead.
#ImSureItWasAskingForIt
Jena: This was so dull, my mind actually went blank. I got nothing.
#ThatHelloKittySongSucks
CJ: It's a shame Robert Stack is dead, because we have a genuine Unsolved Mystery on our hands. How in the hell is CJ still in this competition? He is so bad.
#CountryJoke'
Jessica: She sang "Jolene." I could never stand this song, until now. Jessica gave this song the edge is desperately needed. What a gifted artist.
#NoOneCouldTakeMeAwayFromHer.
Rated SR-MA for graphic content, mature situations, and sexual violence.
Trigger Warnings: Rape, Sexual Assault, Sexual Mutilation, Molestation, Bullying, Toe Stubbing, Alex Performances, Somebody Turning Off The Lights While You're In The Bathroom, Avril Lavigne's "Hello Kitty," Child Murder, Getting Mocked For Wearing A Stupid Shirt, Getting Asked To Have Some Coffee While In An Elevator, Hashtags, The "Love & Monsters" Episode of Doctor Who, and White Male Privilege.
ROCK AND ROLL
Jena: She sang "Barracuda." Barracudas are piranha like fish that have sharp teeth that they use to rip apart their prey. That description is fitting for Jena, since she ripped apart this song like it was a smaller fish. It was a bloody mess.
#SmellsFishy
Sam: He sang "It's Time" by Imagine Dragons. It's time all right, time for this boring generic kid to get off this show. His 15 minutes are almost up.
#00:14:59
CJ: He sang "American Woman." They way he sang this, it was like the American Woman he was singing about was Susan Smith. Remember her? She locked her two kids in a car and then pushed it into a lake. Killing them. She then blamed it on a black guy. Well, this time the black guy was responsible for the atrocity. The victim of the crime was this song.
#CarJacker
Alex: I was thinking about those poor kids that Susan Smith killed. There they were, sitting in that car, not knowing what mommy was doing, but they trusted her. Yes, they were young, but they had to know that as soon as the water started filling the car and that they couldn't get out, that their very own mother was doing something bad to them. It must have been sheer horror. But as bad as that was, it could have been worst. Susan could have left the radio on while it was playing Alex's performance.
#FateWorseThanDeath
Caleb: This should be something new, what's that? Oh, it's Caleb singing a rock song. Nostrodomus would have rolled his eyes at how predictable this performance was.
#DropTheMicPermanently
Jessica: She sang "Don't You Want Somebody To Love." I have somebody to love Jess, it's you. You are the saving grace of this season.
#IdGiveHerSomeRhythmicDelivery
country
Sam: This was nails on a chalkboard bad. The only thing holding him us is the screams of dumb teenage girls.
#NoMas
They brought out Grumpy Cat. He should be the mascot for this show.
Caleb: He sang a Carrie Underwood song. And he showed us what kind of talent he truly has. He took this song and made sound just like all of his other performances. People who like Caleb also enjoy getting drunk and running their heads into a wall.
#WeKnowWhyTheCatIsGrumpy
Alex: He sang "Always On My Mind." I'm sorry, "sang" is the wrong word. Mutilated is much better. He took this song, tied it up, and went at it's no-no parts with a broken wooden broom handle. Without lube. He turned it int their so many times that the handle started to splinter. He then took out and covered it in jalepeno juice and salt and stuck it back in there. After he was finished, he just left it for dead.
#ImSureItWasAskingForIt
Jena: This was so dull, my mind actually went blank. I got nothing.
#ThatHelloKittySongSucks
CJ: It's a shame Robert Stack is dead, because we have a genuine Unsolved Mystery on our hands. How in the hell is CJ still in this competition? He is so bad.
#CountryJoke'
Jessica: She sang "Jolene." I could never stand this song, until now. Jessica gave this song the edge is desperately needed. What a gifted artist.
#NoOneCouldTakeMeAwayFromHer.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
American Idol Top 7 4/16/14
It's "Competitor's Choice" Night. What that means is, the producers
pulled up a bunch of songs for the contestants to sings and made the
other guys pick out one of those songs.
Caleb: Before their performances, each singer told us f things we probably didn't know about them. Caleb's five things made me hate the guy even more. Any ways, Alex picked some Kings of Leon song for him to sing. This was insipid. Caleb loves to overact. He's that guy that always has to be the center of attention, And that is what his performances are. Desperate acts of attention.
#KingOfPeons
Jessica: She told us she thought she was abducted by aliens. Lucky bastards. This was a sexy ass performance. Jessica is the true rock star of this bunch.
#IdGiveHerAnAnalProbe
Sam & Alex: They sang "Let Her Go." An uninspired song sang by a guy with the most annoying voice ever. Lucky for Alex and Sam, their voices are not as annoying. However, they were just as boring. It was like watching a garden gnome playing chess with a lawn jockey.
#DuetBooIt
CJ: He sang "Gravity." This was his best performance, but that's like saying the 2013 Boston Marathon was the best race ever. Speaking of races, in this competition, CJ is like a Saint Bernard in a Greyhound race. Side Note: It was funny seeing his son wear headphone, even he doesn't like hearing his dad sing.
#CujoJunior
Dexter: He sang a country song. I guess he sang it well. It's like a below average student getting a C+ on a test. You pat him on the head and say "job well done' while trying not to roll your eyes. Cause you do feel sorry for the poor guy and you don't want to hurt his feelings.
#TheBestOfTheWorst
Caleb & Jena: This was the worst version of "Gimme Shelter" I have ever heard. And I heard Andrew Garcia's cover back in Season 9. There was no true emotion here. This was a shouting contest. It was like watching two down syndrome kids playing Hungry Hungry Hippo during a epileptic seizure.
#RapeItJustAShoutAway
Alex: He sang Ed Sheeran's "The A-Team." Recently, Ed sang over the telephone to a poor girl that was dying of Cystic Fibrosis. As he was singing to her, she closed her eyes and peacefully died in her sleep. Alex here made me want to shuffle off this mortal coil to, cause this bout near bored me to death.
#SometimesDeadIsBetter
Sam: This was boring as hell too. He sang some stupid song, as he is wont to do. It's like he and Alex made a bet to see who could deliver the most tedious performance. At least the production crew knew in advance that their songs would be coma inducing, cause they both had pretty awesome graphic backgrounds.
#TheWoolfOfDullStreet.
Jessica, CJ, & Dexter: Dex and Cj are lucky Jessica was wearing that dress. Cause it was enough to distract from this very off performance.
#TwoGuysAGirlAndACrappySong
Jena: She sang "Creep" by Radiohead. There is a reason this song get sang almost every year, it's a great song. However, Jena performing this song was like a kindergarten class do a stage performance of "To Kill A Mockingbird." This was way over her head, not to mention her talent level.
#YouDontBelongHere
Caleb: Before their performances, each singer told us f things we probably didn't know about them. Caleb's five things made me hate the guy even more. Any ways, Alex picked some Kings of Leon song for him to sing. This was insipid. Caleb loves to overact. He's that guy that always has to be the center of attention, And that is what his performances are. Desperate acts of attention.
#KingOfPeons
Jessica: She told us she thought she was abducted by aliens. Lucky bastards. This was a sexy ass performance. Jessica is the true rock star of this bunch.
#IdGiveHerAnAnalProbe
Sam & Alex: They sang "Let Her Go." An uninspired song sang by a guy with the most annoying voice ever. Lucky for Alex and Sam, their voices are not as annoying. However, they were just as boring. It was like watching a garden gnome playing chess with a lawn jockey.
#DuetBooIt
CJ: He sang "Gravity." This was his best performance, but that's like saying the 2013 Boston Marathon was the best race ever. Speaking of races, in this competition, CJ is like a Saint Bernard in a Greyhound race. Side Note: It was funny seeing his son wear headphone, even he doesn't like hearing his dad sing.
#CujoJunior
Dexter: He sang a country song. I guess he sang it well. It's like a below average student getting a C+ on a test. You pat him on the head and say "job well done' while trying not to roll your eyes. Cause you do feel sorry for the poor guy and you don't want to hurt his feelings.
#TheBestOfTheWorst
Caleb & Jena: This was the worst version of "Gimme Shelter" I have ever heard. And I heard Andrew Garcia's cover back in Season 9. There was no true emotion here. This was a shouting contest. It was like watching two down syndrome kids playing Hungry Hungry Hippo during a epileptic seizure.
#RapeItJustAShoutAway
Alex: He sang Ed Sheeran's "The A-Team." Recently, Ed sang over the telephone to a poor girl that was dying of Cystic Fibrosis. As he was singing to her, she closed her eyes and peacefully died in her sleep. Alex here made me want to shuffle off this mortal coil to, cause this bout near bored me to death.
#SometimesDeadIsBetter
Sam: This was boring as hell too. He sang some stupid song, as he is wont to do. It's like he and Alex made a bet to see who could deliver the most tedious performance. At least the production crew knew in advance that their songs would be coma inducing, cause they both had pretty awesome graphic backgrounds.
#TheWoolfOfDullStreet.
Jessica, CJ, & Dexter: Dex and Cj are lucky Jessica was wearing that dress. Cause it was enough to distract from this very off performance.
#TwoGuysAGirlAndACrappySong
Jena: She sang "Creep" by Radiohead. There is a reason this song get sang almost every year, it's a great song. However, Jena performing this song was like a kindergarten class do a stage performance of "To Kill A Mockingbird." This was way over her head, not to mention her talent level.
#YouDontBelongHere
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
American Idol Top 7 Plus Sam 4/9/14
In honor of 80's week and 80's icon, The Ultimate Warrior, whom we lost
this week, I'm, giving this review a Pro Wrestling theme.
Jena: She sang "I Love Rock and Roll." Well, we only hurt the ones we love, and she tortured this song. Crippler Crossface style.
#RockAndRollExpressCameToAStop
Dexter: Sang "Keep Your Hands To Yourself." I wish he'd keep his songs to himself. Generic country crap. The Road Dogg sings better than him.
#BamBamBumbler
Sam & Alex: When The Undertaker's streak ended at WrestlMania 30 and then when Warrior died, I didn't think this week could get much worse. I was proven wrong when I heard this duet.
#CrappyMania
Malaya: She sang "Though The Fire." I was hoping Kane would show up and make her fall into the fire. She has a grating voice.
#InfernalMatch
Jena & Caleb. Look at the punishment Mankind (Mick Foley) goes through in this Hell in a Cell match from King Of The Ring 1998. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgYoYTbnPo4 After hearing this duet, I now know the pain Foley went through during that match.
#TheTwoHoarseMen
Jessica: Sang "Call Me." Jess, I would call you anytime. You are a breath of fresh air. You are the Trish Stratus of Idol.
#CMSpunk
Sam: The Waste of a Save gave a wreck of a performance. If Maffew did a BotchAMania for American Idol, this whole performance would be on it. Terrible
#TheWoolfPacIsBuried
CJ & Malaya: This was the Idol equivalent of this match: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTO4KticEMk
#LegionOfDumb
Alex: He sang "Every Breath You Take." You know, a song about stalking. Alex here made it sound like a ditty little love song that sounds made for a quirky independent RomCom. In other words, this was a despicable piece of crap.
#TheShartFoundation
Jessica & Dexter: This was like teaming up Trish Stratus with Bastion Booger. Just weird. Jess sounded great though.
#JessicaMichaelsAndDexterJennety
CJ: Sang "Free Fallin'" Gawd he sucks. Listening to him sing is like listening to Lance Storm give a promo. This guy needs to go.
#CactusJackass
Caleb: Caleb reminds me of John Cena. The idiots that watch him cheer him cause they like superficial things they don't have to think about. It's easy on their brains. Those who pay attention realize that he is just a one note repeater. All style and no substance.
#TheJohnSingaOfIdol
Jena: She sang "I Love Rock and Roll." Well, we only hurt the ones we love, and she tortured this song. Crippler Crossface style.
#RockAndRollExpressCameToAStop
Dexter: Sang "Keep Your Hands To Yourself." I wish he'd keep his songs to himself. Generic country crap. The Road Dogg sings better than him.
#BamBamBumbler
Sam & Alex: When The Undertaker's streak ended at WrestlMania 30 and then when Warrior died, I didn't think this week could get much worse. I was proven wrong when I heard this duet.
#CrappyMania
Malaya: She sang "Though The Fire." I was hoping Kane would show up and make her fall into the fire. She has a grating voice.
#InfernalMatch
Jena & Caleb. Look at the punishment Mankind (Mick Foley) goes through in this Hell in a Cell match from King Of The Ring 1998. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgYoYTbnPo4 After hearing this duet, I now know the pain Foley went through during that match.
#TheTwoHoarseMen
Jessica: Sang "Call Me." Jess, I would call you anytime. You are a breath of fresh air. You are the Trish Stratus of Idol.
#CMSpunk
Sam: The Waste of a Save gave a wreck of a performance. If Maffew did a BotchAMania for American Idol, this whole performance would be on it. Terrible
#TheWoolfPacIsBuried
CJ & Malaya: This was the Idol equivalent of this match: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qTO4KticEMk
#LegionOfDumb
Alex: He sang "Every Breath You Take." You know, a song about stalking. Alex here made it sound like a ditty little love song that sounds made for a quirky independent RomCom. In other words, this was a despicable piece of crap.
#TheShartFoundation
Jessica & Dexter: This was like teaming up Trish Stratus with Bastion Booger. Just weird. Jess sounded great though.
#JessicaMichaelsAndDexterJennety
CJ: Sang "Free Fallin'" Gawd he sucks. Listening to him sing is like listening to Lance Storm give a promo. This guy needs to go.
#CactusJackass
Caleb: Caleb reminds me of John Cena. The idiots that watch him cheer him cause they like superficial things they don't have to think about. It's easy on their brains. Those who pay attention realize that he is just a one note repeater. All style and no substance.
#TheJohnSingaOfIdol
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
American Idol 4/2/14 Top 8
Tonight, our Top 8 sang duets and the songs from their auditions.
Let's see how they did!
Jessica: Pure beauty. Just one problem though, with the best going on first, that's just going to make the rest of them suck even more. Side note: Jessica's story about being pulled over for eating an ice cream cone makes me want to se her eat an ice cream cone.
#IGotSomethingElseToPutInHerMouth
CJ: When I was 12, my Uncle Bill took myself and his two sons, my cousins Troy and Brian, out hunting in the woods around his house. Troy's dog, Bucky, came along with us. He was this great looking golden retriever. At one point, Bucky ran off into the woods. We called out for him, but Uncle Bill said he probably went back home cause it was close to feeding time. About 20 minutes later, Troy said he spotted a deer. He took aim and fired. There was a terrible yelp. He had shot his own dog. The poor thing lay dying and howling. My cousin did nothing but scream. The mixture of the two was a horrendous noise I hope no one ever has to hear. But, it sounded better than CJ.
#CountryJerkstore
Alex & Jena: They sang P!nk and Fun Guy's "Just Give Me A Reason." Well, they gave me a reason, a reason to turn the channel. This was terrible. It was like mixing rotten eggs and dirt and trying to bake a cake.
#NotCookingByTheBook
Sam: They showed us pics of Sam when he was a young child. They were all taken on an iPhone 3. This kid has about as much range as a tin can tied to a string. Sucks.
#TheWoolfWhoCriedBoy
Jessica & Caleb: They sang "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around." The only thing that was dragging was Caleb. Jessica did her best to carry him during this performance, but you can only do so much with dead weight.
#BeautyAndTheBeast
Malaya: Every time she performs, I keep looking for Jeff Dunham, cause this girl has got to be a puppet. Her voice sounds like somebody trying to impersonate a singer. She's got the personality of a puppet too.
#FraggleCrock
Dexter: This was fine, by country standards.
#JayLenosLostRedneckSon
Malaya & Sam: I'm so glad I do not live on the top floor of a high rise apartment, cause this duet made me want to throw myself out of a window.
#GloomySunday (look it up)
Jena: If Oskar Schindler were alive day and trying to save people from a Holocaust, all of the names of the people who heard this performance would be on his list. This was GAWD awful.
#BurningInTheDeep
Dexter & CJ: Ugh.
#BadBarfAndBeyond
Caleb: Another Cut and Paste performance. And thank you Harry for finally pointing that out.
#IdolIsAChainOfFools
Alex: Sang an "original" song, called "Fairy Tale." Simon Cowell probably had it written for him. Alex is great...at imitating Philip Philips.
#NoHappyEnding
Let's see how they did!
Jessica: Pure beauty. Just one problem though, with the best going on first, that's just going to make the rest of them suck even more. Side note: Jessica's story about being pulled over for eating an ice cream cone makes me want to se her eat an ice cream cone.
#IGotSomethingElseToPutInHerMouth
CJ: When I was 12, my Uncle Bill took myself and his two sons, my cousins Troy and Brian, out hunting in the woods around his house. Troy's dog, Bucky, came along with us. He was this great looking golden retriever. At one point, Bucky ran off into the woods. We called out for him, but Uncle Bill said he probably went back home cause it was close to feeding time. About 20 minutes later, Troy said he spotted a deer. He took aim and fired. There was a terrible yelp. He had shot his own dog. The poor thing lay dying and howling. My cousin did nothing but scream. The mixture of the two was a horrendous noise I hope no one ever has to hear. But, it sounded better than CJ.
#CountryJerkstore
Alex & Jena: They sang P!nk and Fun Guy's "Just Give Me A Reason." Well, they gave me a reason, a reason to turn the channel. This was terrible. It was like mixing rotten eggs and dirt and trying to bake a cake.
#NotCookingByTheBook
Sam: They showed us pics of Sam when he was a young child. They were all taken on an iPhone 3. This kid has about as much range as a tin can tied to a string. Sucks.
#TheWoolfWhoCriedBoy
Jessica & Caleb: They sang "Stop Draggin' My Heart Around." The only thing that was dragging was Caleb. Jessica did her best to carry him during this performance, but you can only do so much with dead weight.
#BeautyAndTheBeast
Malaya: Every time she performs, I keep looking for Jeff Dunham, cause this girl has got to be a puppet. Her voice sounds like somebody trying to impersonate a singer. She's got the personality of a puppet too.
#FraggleCrock
Dexter: This was fine, by country standards.
#JayLenosLostRedneckSon
Malaya & Sam: I'm so glad I do not live on the top floor of a high rise apartment, cause this duet made me want to throw myself out of a window.
#GloomySunday (look it up)
Jena: If Oskar Schindler were alive day and trying to save people from a Holocaust, all of the names of the people who heard this performance would be on his list. This was GAWD awful.
#BurningInTheDeep
Dexter & CJ: Ugh.
#BadBarfAndBeyond
Caleb: Another Cut and Paste performance. And thank you Harry for finally pointing that out.
#IdolIsAChainOfFools
Alex: Sang an "original" song, called "Fairy Tale." Simon Cowell probably had it written for him. Alex is great...at imitating Philip Philips.
#NoHappyEnding
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