"Hell is my playground and Heaven is my battlefield."
-Virtual Satyr
BIG BAND NIGHT
This week's hashtags will represent what each performance makes me thankful for.
Michael Buble came out for a performance. I immediately fast forwarded over it.
#ThankfulForDVR
Rion: I figured out what Rion reminds me of. Miss Piggy. She looks
and moves just like her. The think the song she sang was called
"Swinging." I assume it's about all the people who were tying a noose
around their necks after listening to this performance.
#ThankfulForDexterity
Restless Road: I have no idea what their names are, nor do I care.
They sang that gawd awful country version of "Life Is A Highway."
Straight Tie sounded like a cartoon character. Bow Tie sounded like a
parody of Scotty McCreery. No Tie at least sounded normal. Together,
they sounded like a bunch of crap. I ended up making a smoothie in my
kitchen to kill the memory of listening to this.
#ThankfulForMyBlender
Jeff: Sang Buble's "I'm Feeling Good." Of course, I hate this song,
but I'll be damned if Jeff didn't sing the hell out of it. This guy
should be the clear winner at this point.
#ThankfulSomeoneOnThisShowHasTalent
Josh: Sang "Treasure" This performance was anything but that. This
kid belongs on Nickelodeon. Once he hits puberty, it'll be all over for
him.
#ThankfulForMyPubes
Carlito: ¿Por qué siempre tiene bailarines feas con él? No importa cómo lo dice, Carlito es terrible en cualquier idioma.
#ThankfulForGoogleTranslate
Alex & Sierra: Sang a decent jazzed up version of Taylor Swift's
"I Knew You Were Trouble." Finally back to form for these two. This was
enjoyable. That being said, their lovey dovey act is getting old.
#ThankfulForBeingSingle
Lillie: I got a text while she was singing. It wasn't till the
coaches started talking that I realized I had been texting during her
performance without listening to a single bit of it. I'm sure it was
just the bees knees or whatever old people her age say.
#ThankfulForMyPhone
Ellona: We were introduced to Ellona's sister, who has terminal
cancer. Ellona then gave us a performance that made us envious of her
dying sister. I hope somebody reassured her that the nausea was a side
effect of the cancer treatment, and not listening to her sister sing.
#ThankfulImAnOnlyChild
All 8 came out and sang something, but I had some Pepto Bismol to chug down, so I didn't catch any of it.
Happy Thanksgiving, my wonderful readers.
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Review for X-Factor 11/20/13
"Abandon all hope, ye who enter here."
Dante, Divine Comedy
British Invasion Night. And is history as taught us anything, America tends to suck when adapting things from the Mother Land.
Jeff: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." Despite the fact that Game of Thrones is an American creation and not British, Jeff starting out the performance on The Iron Throne was completely BADASS. This was one of the best performances on X-Factor ever. So, of course, the rest of the show is going to go downhill from here.
#VirtualSatyrSendsHisRegards
Tim: Bob Ross painting a picture of grass growing would be more exciting than anything this kid does. The female judges kept calling him "sexy." Where's Inigo Montoya when you need him?
#ExitSandman
Khaya: Sang The Beatles' "Let It Be." Well, I won't let it be. She sucks. This performance was uninspired crap. Her voice was all over the place. A raft in the Philippines Typhoon had more stability than her voice.
#BeatleRepellant
Josh: Josh came up with this joke: "What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick."
Here's my joke: "What's black and bad for your ears?" He sang the absolute worst version of "Sweet Dreams" anybody has ever heard. Quit trying to give us another Justin Beiber,
#TheAnswerIsJoshBTW
Alex & Ciera: Sang some stupid One Direction song. (Whom will be on X-Factor tomorrow, just in case you missed it) I didn't like this. The song was stupid and there two are starting to lose their appeal. No more Sonny and Cher. Give us Sid and Nancy. Or Joker and Harley.
#LoveConquersNothing
Rion: Well, she didn't outright suck this week. This was easily her best performance. still mediocre though, so I'll throw some faint praise her way.
#HeyRionCatch
Carlito: Sang The Stone's "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." That is the anthem of anybody that watches this show. Keep working on those dance moves, because that dull voice of your will get you nowhere.
#BeastOfBoredom
Lillie: Sang some song nobody in the world but Kelly has ever heard. The next time Lillie sings, I'm going to use those 90 seconds to watch 18 "5 Second Film" videos.
#TheGeriatricFactor
Ellona: Sang "Burn" by Ellie Goulding. This song went very well with my theme of introducing each review with a quote about Hell. Because the song was called burn, it was a sin for her to cover an Ellie Goulding song, and it was torture to listen to.
#Hellception
RestlessRoad: There is something called an Anechoic Room, a room that is quiet, you can hear your heartbeat. They say nobody can last 45 minutes in it, because they start hallucinating and going insane.
I willing to spend the rest of my life in there if it means never hearing Restless Road ever again.
#CountryEmblem3
Dante, Divine Comedy
British Invasion Night. And is history as taught us anything, America tends to suck when adapting things from the Mother Land.
Jeff: Sang "Bohemian Rhapsody." Despite the fact that Game of Thrones is an American creation and not British, Jeff starting out the performance on The Iron Throne was completely BADASS. This was one of the best performances on X-Factor ever. So, of course, the rest of the show is going to go downhill from here.
#VirtualSatyrSendsHisRegards
Tim: Bob Ross painting a picture of grass growing would be more exciting than anything this kid does. The female judges kept calling him "sexy." Where's Inigo Montoya when you need him?
#ExitSandman
Khaya: Sang The Beatles' "Let It Be." Well, I won't let it be. She sucks. This performance was uninspired crap. Her voice was all over the place. A raft in the Philippines Typhoon had more stability than her voice.
#BeatleRepellant
Josh: Josh came up with this joke: "What's red and bad for your teeth? A Brick."
Here's my joke: "What's black and bad for your ears?" He sang the absolute worst version of "Sweet Dreams" anybody has ever heard. Quit trying to give us another Justin Beiber,
#TheAnswerIsJoshBTW
Alex & Ciera: Sang some stupid One Direction song. (Whom will be on X-Factor tomorrow, just in case you missed it) I didn't like this. The song was stupid and there two are starting to lose their appeal. No more Sonny and Cher. Give us Sid and Nancy. Or Joker and Harley.
#LoveConquersNothing
Rion: Well, she didn't outright suck this week. This was easily her best performance. still mediocre though, so I'll throw some faint praise her way.
#HeyRionCatch
Carlito: Sang The Stone's "I Can't Get No Satisfaction." That is the anthem of anybody that watches this show. Keep working on those dance moves, because that dull voice of your will get you nowhere.
#BeastOfBoredom
Lillie: Sang some song nobody in the world but Kelly has ever heard. The next time Lillie sings, I'm going to use those 90 seconds to watch 18 "5 Second Film" videos.
#TheGeriatricFactor
Ellona: Sang "Burn" by Ellie Goulding. This song went very well with my theme of introducing each review with a quote about Hell. Because the song was called burn, it was a sin for her to cover an Ellie Goulding song, and it was torture to listen to.
#Hellception
RestlessRoad: There is something called an Anechoic Room, a room that is quiet, you can hear your heartbeat. They say nobody can last 45 minutes in it, because they start hallucinating and going insane.
I willing to spend the rest of my life in there if it means never hearing Restless Road ever again.
#CountryEmblem3
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Review for TheX-Factor 11/13/13
“We are each our own devil, and we make this world our hell.”
― Oscar Wilde
We started the show off with Carlos getting eliminated. Sorry Twitch, all the sympathy votes went to the cute little blonde teen with the deformed hands.
On to 80's Night.
Lillie: Sucked. Not only was it bad to hear this grandma try to sing like a 25 year old, it was even worse to watch her act like one.
#OverTheHill
Carlito: Pure garbage. Sang "The Rhythm is Going To Get You." Carlito must have been marked with the blood of a lamb, cause the Rhythm passed right over him. Also, having the ugliest female dancer on stage with him didn't help matter either.
#CarlitoCaribbeanCrap
Rion: Sang pat Benatar's "We Belong." I can tell you were Rion doesn't belong, on the stage. She was all over the place. She has years of work ahead of her.
#IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItClapYourHands
Sweet Suspense: Sang the classic 80's song "Mickey." Oh Sweet Suspence you're so fine you blow my mind. A fun performance.
#WishMyMindWasntTheOnlyThingGettingBlown
Tim: He got to meet some chick from Modern Family. She immediately put Tim in the Friend Zone by bringing her boyfriend along to their dinner. Good stuff. What wasn't good, was Tim performance. Phil Collins' songs are getting wrecked this week. This guy has zero charisma.
#NotGettingEliminatedIsAgainstAllOdds
Khaya: Gawd awful! This performance was like watching the Hindenburg crashing into the World Trade Center then causing the Titanic to sink.
#BorderlineDisaster
Restless Road: When I was 22, I fell in love with this girl. She was perfect to me. Every love song made sense to me when I thought about her. So, it broke my heart and nearly destroyed me when I found out she was a lesbian. I tried so hard to Chasing Amy her, but to no avail. I thought I knew what depression was then. But, now that I've heard Restless Road sing again, I know what true depression is. If they manage to produce an album, it should come with a free prescription to Zoloft.
#FootlooseNeckNoose
Rachel: When they said she was going to sing "Alone" I felt my stomach knot up.
However, my pain was quickly relieved. She nailed this song out of the park. And she looked sexy as hell doing it to. Best Performance of the Night.
#I'dLikeToGetHerAlone
Ellona: Terrible. This performance made me jealous of Helen Keller.
#HaveANiceTripSeeYouNextFall
Josh: This performance gave me such a bad migraine my nose started to bleed.
#TheExcedrinFactor
Jeff: Sang "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight." When I used to be a manager at a fast food place, I would play this song on repeat if my crew wasn't doing a good job. So, the lyrics to this song are ingrained in by brain like a tattoo. So, hearing Jeff get the lyrics wrong was a big mark against him. Plus, he didn't sing this very well. It's a tough song to sing. But, even on his worst day, Jeff sounds better than most of the people on this show.
#ShouldHaveWalkedAway
Alex & Ciera: they sang "Addicted To Love" which was a good song choice for them, but the arrangement was horrible. So, this was just ok.
#PeopleWhoWatchThisShowAreAddictedToDumb
― Oscar Wilde
We started the show off with Carlos getting eliminated. Sorry Twitch, all the sympathy votes went to the cute little blonde teen with the deformed hands.
On to 80's Night.
Lillie: Sucked. Not only was it bad to hear this grandma try to sing like a 25 year old, it was even worse to watch her act like one.
#OverTheHill
Carlito: Pure garbage. Sang "The Rhythm is Going To Get You." Carlito must have been marked with the blood of a lamb, cause the Rhythm passed right over him. Also, having the ugliest female dancer on stage with him didn't help matter either.
#CarlitoCaribbeanCrap
Rion: Sang pat Benatar's "We Belong." I can tell you were Rion doesn't belong, on the stage. She was all over the place. She has years of work ahead of her.
#IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowItClapYourHands
Sweet Suspense: Sang the classic 80's song "Mickey." Oh Sweet Suspence you're so fine you blow my mind. A fun performance.
#WishMyMindWasntTheOnlyThingGettingBlown
Tim: He got to meet some chick from Modern Family. She immediately put Tim in the Friend Zone by bringing her boyfriend along to their dinner. Good stuff. What wasn't good, was Tim performance. Phil Collins' songs are getting wrecked this week. This guy has zero charisma.
#NotGettingEliminatedIsAgainstAllOdds
Khaya: Gawd awful! This performance was like watching the Hindenburg crashing into the World Trade Center then causing the Titanic to sink.
#BorderlineDisaster
Restless Road: When I was 22, I fell in love with this girl. She was perfect to me. Every love song made sense to me when I thought about her. So, it broke my heart and nearly destroyed me when I found out she was a lesbian. I tried so hard to Chasing Amy her, but to no avail. I thought I knew what depression was then. But, now that I've heard Restless Road sing again, I know what true depression is. If they manage to produce an album, it should come with a free prescription to Zoloft.
#FootlooseNeckNoose
Rachel: When they said she was going to sing "Alone" I felt my stomach knot up.
However, my pain was quickly relieved. She nailed this song out of the park. And she looked sexy as hell doing it to. Best Performance of the Night.
#I'dLikeToGetHerAlone
Ellona: Terrible. This performance made me jealous of Helen Keller.
#HaveANiceTripSeeYouNextFall
Josh: This performance gave me such a bad migraine my nose started to bleed.
#TheExcedrinFactor
Jeff: Sang "I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight." When I used to be a manager at a fast food place, I would play this song on repeat if my crew wasn't doing a good job. So, the lyrics to this song are ingrained in by brain like a tattoo. So, hearing Jeff get the lyrics wrong was a big mark against him. Plus, he didn't sing this very well. It's a tough song to sing. But, even on his worst day, Jeff sounds better than most of the people on this show.
#ShouldHaveWalkedAway
Alex & Ciera: they sang "Addicted To Love" which was a good song choice for them, but the arrangement was horrible. So, this was just ok.
#PeopleWhoWatchThisShowAreAddictedToDumb
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Review for The X-Factor 11/6/13
"Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light."
John Milton, Paradise Lost
Josh: He was brought back as a wildcard, cause gawd forbid they bring back somebody that actually performed well. JAMES He tried to hard to make a good impression and it sounded as such. After Josh's "comeback" performance was over, Demi said he would have a long career ahead of him. I'm thinking at Outback Steakhouse. Home of the Bloomin' Onion.
#WildCardWaste
Rachel: Her sexy legs were not enough to distract me from the fact that this was a terrible country version of "This Ol' Heart Of Mind." But those legs of hers were very nice.
#ThisOlHardOfMine
Carlos: When Carlos sings, he trades in his Tourettes for "Bore-ettes." This performance was about as exciting as finding out Ben Affleck is going to be Batman.
#HardAsTits
Restless Road: I once had horseradish sauce squeezed onto my private parts. (Don't ask) It was the worst sensation I have ever felt in my life. If I were to ever be tortured, and I had the option of listening to Restless Road or having horseradish put on my balls, well that's the only time my pants will drop at the mention of Restless Road.
#WrecklessRoad
Ellona: Another cookie cutter teenage singer. It's not that they are bad, they just aren't very good. Nothing about them makes them stand out. They look and sound just like every flavor of the week.
#TodaysTreasureTomorrowsTrash
Jeff: Now here is a guy that can sing. He has a distinct voice and doesn't sound like he was produced in a factory.
#DasIstGutt
Alex & Ciera: This wasn't their best performance, but I don't think the song was right for them. You can't really have two people who's gimmick is being two love birds singing together do a breakup song. That being said, they do sound great with each other.
#DamnTheirLove
Khaya: Dear god in hell, her voice excruciatingly grating. Seriously, it was painful to listen to. I almost stopped the show and deleted it off my DVR.
#TheDreckFactor
Side Note: it was most evident after Khaya's performance, but the judges are on complete damage control tonight. They are doing everything in their power to make it seem like they have the cream of the crop this year.
Carlito: Another fail. "Stop In The Name of Love" does not work as a ballad. Especially with this jackass singing it.
#StopInTheNameOfGoodTaste
Lillie: This show is getting ridiculous now. Another crap performance. It's driving me insane. I'm starting to feel like Jack Torrence in The Shining.
#AllWorkAndNoPlayMakeSatyrADullBoy
Sweet Suspense: Finally, someone injected something exciting into this show. These girls are awesome together. Great harmonies.
#SweetRelief
Rion: Note to X-Factor, don't have people singing songs before the commercial breaks, especially when they sound better than most of your contestants. Like Rion, for example. It's great that she is able to overcome her setbacks, but it doesn't give her a golden ticket to talent. She has a lot of work to do before she can be considered as good as the judges make her out to be.
#ShePutsTheHandInHandicapped
Tim: I can't even.... If this show was the JFK assassination, then this performance was the head shot. And trust me, when it comes to the murder of music on this show, there is more than one shooter.
#CancelThisShow
John Milton, Paradise Lost
Josh: He was brought back as a wildcard, cause gawd forbid they bring back somebody that actually performed well. JAMES He tried to hard to make a good impression and it sounded as such. After Josh's "comeback" performance was over, Demi said he would have a long career ahead of him. I'm thinking at Outback Steakhouse. Home of the Bloomin' Onion.
#WildCardWaste
Rachel: Her sexy legs were not enough to distract me from the fact that this was a terrible country version of "This Ol' Heart Of Mind." But those legs of hers were very nice.
#ThisOlHardOfMine
Carlos: When Carlos sings, he trades in his Tourettes for "Bore-ettes." This performance was about as exciting as finding out Ben Affleck is going to be Batman.
#HardAsTits
Restless Road: I once had horseradish sauce squeezed onto my private parts. (Don't ask) It was the worst sensation I have ever felt in my life. If I were to ever be tortured, and I had the option of listening to Restless Road or having horseradish put on my balls, well that's the only time my pants will drop at the mention of Restless Road.
#WrecklessRoad
Ellona: Another cookie cutter teenage singer. It's not that they are bad, they just aren't very good. Nothing about them makes them stand out. They look and sound just like every flavor of the week.
#TodaysTreasureTomorrowsTrash
Jeff: Now here is a guy that can sing. He has a distinct voice and doesn't sound like he was produced in a factory.
#DasIstGutt
Alex & Ciera: This wasn't their best performance, but I don't think the song was right for them. You can't really have two people who's gimmick is being two love birds singing together do a breakup song. That being said, they do sound great with each other.
#DamnTheirLove
Khaya: Dear god in hell, her voice excruciatingly grating. Seriously, it was painful to listen to. I almost stopped the show and deleted it off my DVR.
#TheDreckFactor
Side Note: it was most evident after Khaya's performance, but the judges are on complete damage control tonight. They are doing everything in their power to make it seem like they have the cream of the crop this year.
Carlito: Another fail. "Stop In The Name of Love" does not work as a ballad. Especially with this jackass singing it.
#StopInTheNameOfGoodTaste
Lillie: This show is getting ridiculous now. Another crap performance. It's driving me insane. I'm starting to feel like Jack Torrence in The Shining.
#AllWorkAndNoPlayMakeSatyrADullBoy
Sweet Suspense: Finally, someone injected something exciting into this show. These girls are awesome together. Great harmonies.
#SweetRelief
Rion: Note to X-Factor, don't have people singing songs before the commercial breaks, especially when they sound better than most of your contestants. Like Rion, for example. It's great that she is able to overcome her setbacks, but it doesn't give her a golden ticket to talent. She has a lot of work to do before she can be considered as good as the judges make her out to be.
#ShePutsTheHandInHandicapped
Tim: I can't even.... If this show was the JFK assassination, then this performance was the head shot. And trust me, when it comes to the murder of music on this show, there is more than one shooter.
#CancelThisShow
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Review for The Voice 11/5/13
TEAM CEE-LO
Amber: Mediocrity at its dullest.
Jonny: Sang "Bittersweet Symphony." There is something mesmerizing about that song. Except when Jonny sang it. He sucked.
Tamara: Sang "I Will Survive." Tony Clifton sang it a lot better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PN2qNnsVV4
Kat: There is more than one way to skin a Kat, and this performance was one of them. She did a very bad job tonight. And that Hippie dreck at the end didn't help matters.
Caroline: Finally, someone on Cee-Lo's team that sounds interesting. She's got a good voice and good control. She has that unique kind of voice you would here on an Indie record.
TEAM CHRISTINA
Josh: Did a horrible cover of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." This was all over the place. If he drives they way he sand this, he would get pulled over for a DUI.
Olivia: Carrie Underwood lite sounded exactly like that.
Stephanie: So boring was this performance that I decided not to come up with some clever insult for it.
Matthew: Ok, He can sing. I will give him that. In this season of The Voice, that will make him stand out.
Jacquie: Despite the ridiculous way her name is spelled, she did a great job. Best of the night She can sing. She doesn't sound like she's just trying to make her voice do tricks, she has actual range.
Amber: Mediocrity at its dullest.
Jonny: Sang "Bittersweet Symphony." There is something mesmerizing about that song. Except when Jonny sang it. He sucked.
Tamara: Sang "I Will Survive." Tony Clifton sang it a lot better. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9PN2qNnsVV4
Kat: There is more than one way to skin a Kat, and this performance was one of them. She did a very bad job tonight. And that Hippie dreck at the end didn't help matters.
Caroline: Finally, someone on Cee-Lo's team that sounds interesting. She's got a good voice and good control. She has that unique kind of voice you would here on an Indie record.
TEAM CHRISTINA
Josh: Did a horrible cover of Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." This was all over the place. If he drives they way he sand this, he would get pulled over for a DUI.
Olivia: Carrie Underwood lite sounded exactly like that.
Stephanie: So boring was this performance that I decided not to come up with some clever insult for it.
Matthew: Ok, He can sing. I will give him that. In this season of The Voice, that will make him stand out.
Jacquie: Despite the ridiculous way her name is spelled, she did a great job. Best of the night She can sing. She doesn't sound like she's just trying to make her voice do tricks, she has actual range.
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