Candice: this week's mentor, Smokey Robinson, said
Candice made him cry last week with her performance. She said she hoped
she could do it again. Well, I think she did make Smokey cry, but from
disappointment.
Janelle & Kree sang a country version of Madonna's "Like A
Prayer." I prayed to the god I don't believe it that I never hear
anything like this again.
Lazaro: Stuttering Latino Shia LaBouf once again proved that someone
can overcome a speech impediment by singing, but still not be any good
at it. SUCKED.
Janelle: Sang a slow version of The Supremes' "Keep Me Hanging On."
It was probably her best performance yet, but that isn't saying much.
Devin: Sang "The Tracks of My Tears" in honor of his AI boyfriend
Paul Jolley, whom was eliminated last week. He shouldn't worry to much
though, he'll probably be reunited with Paul this week.
Amber, Candice, and Angie: Angie is INCREDIBLE! The other two, who cares? Angie is pure sex. I'd lick pudding out of her ass.
Burnell: If music was a baby, then Burnie here would be Casey Anthony.
Angie: PERFECTION. Everything about this performance made me horny
as hell. I'd go to church with this chick just a chance to get to 3rd
base.
Amber: Ok, she looked and sounded pretty good. However, I have an ex
named Amber, so as far as I'm concerned, anyone with that name is
trash.
The 3 Stooges sang "I Can't Help Myself." Let me let you in on
something. I'm a psychopath. I lack empathy. I can identify the feeling
of others, but I have difficulty feeling the feelings of others. But,
after this performance, I think I now know exactly how those kids at
Sandy Hook Elementary School felt that fateful day. I think hearing this
performance is going to give me Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Kree: I hope she gets eliminated in a shocker. Angie is the Queen.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Review for America Idol 3/20/13
Beatles Night. Thank Gawd Lennon isn't alive to see this.
Oh look, Nikki is still here. I am truly surprised.
Charlie gets denied his Idol dream yet again. Looks like his brains are going to be Askewed all over the wall.
Kree: Orphan Girl sang "With A Little Help From My Friends." It's fitting that the first line is "What would you do if I sang out of tune?" Well, the answer Kree, is fast forward through the rest of your performance. I believe she secretly thanks her god her parents are dead, since they named her Kree.
Burnell: I hope Paul McCartney isn't watching this, cause if he is, we'll be down to just Ringo cause Paul will have died from a heart attack. This guy sucks.
Amber: I'll give her this: she filled out that dress quite nicely. What wasn't nice, was her performance. A baby left alone in a tub for half an hour had more life in it than this performance.
Lazaro: He should have sang "Life Goes On." That would have been hilarious. But, we get a song that sounds just like every song he has sang thus far. He sucks. He's getting by on sympathy votes, and if his reactions to the judges criticism tonight is any indication, he cannot handle this competition.
Candice: Meh.
Paul: He sucks. And I'm not talking about his sexual habits.
Angie: She looked SPECTACULAR tonight! If I was her brother, I'd do everything I could to "accidently" walk in on her taking a shower. Hell, the mom too. She is a bright candle in a void of talentless hacks.
Devin: Ryan said this kid runs a tight ship with the other contestants. Well, with Paul at least. He sucks.
Janelle: She is quite the hottie herself, but she's country, so it's automatic suck.
Oh look, Nikki is still here. I am truly surprised.
Charlie gets denied his Idol dream yet again. Looks like his brains are going to be Askewed all over the wall.
Kree: Orphan Girl sang "With A Little Help From My Friends." It's fitting that the first line is "What would you do if I sang out of tune?" Well, the answer Kree, is fast forward through the rest of your performance. I believe she secretly thanks her god her parents are dead, since they named her Kree.
Burnell: I hope Paul McCartney isn't watching this, cause if he is, we'll be down to just Ringo cause Paul will have died from a heart attack. This guy sucks.
Amber: I'll give her this: she filled out that dress quite nicely. What wasn't nice, was her performance. A baby left alone in a tub for half an hour had more life in it than this performance.
Lazaro: He should have sang "Life Goes On." That would have been hilarious. But, we get a song that sounds just like every song he has sang thus far. He sucks. He's getting by on sympathy votes, and if his reactions to the judges criticism tonight is any indication, he cannot handle this competition.
Candice: Meh.
Paul: He sucks. And I'm not talking about his sexual habits.
Angie: She looked SPECTACULAR tonight! If I was her brother, I'd do everything I could to "accidently" walk in on her taking a shower. Hell, the mom too. She is a bright candle in a void of talentless hacks.
Devin: Ryan said this kid runs a tight ship with the other contestants. Well, with Paul at least. He sucks.
Janelle: She is quite the hottie herself, but she's country, so it's automatic suck.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Review for American Idol 3/12/13
Nicki was running late. I know I'm not the only one who was hoping for a fatal car accident.
Curtis: One of the worst contestants this season is singing a song by one of the worst winners. He sucks. He's going to be another one of these jackasses who sings every song, the exact same way. I want to punch him.
Janelle: She was looking good tonight. And she sang one of the few country songs I can tolerate. But the whole performance was flatter than a pre-schooler in a steamroller accident.
Devan: This was "Watching Grass Grow With Your Host Charlie Rose" on PBS boring. I've had my feet fallen asleep before, but never my ears. He sucks.
Nicki is wearing a hoodie. Where's George Zimmerman when you need him?
Angie: Gawd, she is beautiful. Absolutely amazing. And her voice is incredible. The definite front runner. And gawd damn is she HOT!
Paul: During his interview, he said "I need to get my stuff straight." That was good for a laugh. Anyways, I had to get up and piss when he started singing. I didn't bother to pause or rewind, but from what I heard down the hall, the piss splashing the water (and occasionally the floor) sounded better than this jerkoff.
Candice: Meh.
Lazaro: I was right, the interviews with Porky Pig here are painful. Every time he performs, I'm reminded of this scene from American Pie 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEDeIvU1si8
Kree: She looks like the actress who looks like Drew Barrymore. She put a country spin on Roy Orbinson's classic "Crying." Screw you Kree! I hope the Skrulls destroy you!
Burnell: Gawd, he sucks. No wonder Mother Nature tried to kill him off with Katrina.
Amber: Terrible. If it wasn't for Angie, this whole season would not be worth it.
SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: No one sang a Lee Dewyze song!
Curtis: One of the worst contestants this season is singing a song by one of the worst winners. He sucks. He's going to be another one of these jackasses who sings every song, the exact same way. I want to punch him.
Janelle: She was looking good tonight. And she sang one of the few country songs I can tolerate. But the whole performance was flatter than a pre-schooler in a steamroller accident.
Devan: This was "Watching Grass Grow With Your Host Charlie Rose" on PBS boring. I've had my feet fallen asleep before, but never my ears. He sucks.
Nicki is wearing a hoodie. Where's George Zimmerman when you need him?
Angie: Gawd, she is beautiful. Absolutely amazing. And her voice is incredible. The definite front runner. And gawd damn is she HOT!
Paul: During his interview, he said "I need to get my stuff straight." That was good for a laugh. Anyways, I had to get up and piss when he started singing. I didn't bother to pause or rewind, but from what I heard down the hall, the piss splashing the water (and occasionally the floor) sounded better than this jerkoff.
Candice: Meh.
Lazaro: I was right, the interviews with Porky Pig here are painful. Every time he performs, I'm reminded of this scene from American Pie 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEDeIvU1si8
Kree: She looks like the actress who looks like Drew Barrymore. She put a country spin on Roy Orbinson's classic "Crying." Screw you Kree! I hope the Skrulls destroy you!
Burnell: Gawd, he sucks. No wonder Mother Nature tried to kill him off with Katrina.
Amber: Terrible. If it wasn't for Angie, this whole season would not be worth it.
SHOCKER OF THE NIGHT: No one sang a Lee Dewyze song!
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
American Idol Top 10 Boys Season 12 Review
This was all done on Twitter, so the statements are short and sweet.
Elijah:
We got some Ritchie Valens/Rufio looking jerk up first. He sucks.
Rufio Valens looks like he's got a shit stain in his hair.
Cortez:
Cortez is singing "Kicked Out Of Heaven". dont worry, I'm sure they have a nice place for you in Hell. He sucks.
Charlie:
This Charlie kid seems like a bad character out of a David Lynch wannabe movie. He sucks.
Oy vey, he's crying now. Fishing for votes.
Nick:
This guy looks like a Hipster Observer from Fringe. He's singing "Iris" and it sucks.
Burnell:
This Burnell kid looks like a cross between Malcolm X and Steve Urkel. He sucks.
Paul:
This Paul guy is boring. And he's gay. Gay people are not supposed to be boring. Sucks.
Lazaro:
These interviews with Stuttering Bill are excruciating. Where's Pennywise when you need him? Oh yeah, (Lazaro) sucks.
Curtis:
I hate Curtis Finch Jr. Hate everything he represents. He doesn't just suck, he's a black hole for all things good.
Hate the fact the judges try to pass him off as the Jesus of singing competitions. This is #AmericanIdol not a church.
Devin:
This bland guy is singing half his song in Spanish. What a fantastic way to make me not vote for him.
Vincent:
This Vincent guy looks like Randy's younger brother. When he isn't squealing like a girl, he sounds generic.
Elijah:
We got some Ritchie Valens/Rufio looking jerk up first. He sucks.
Rufio Valens looks like he's got a shit stain in his hair.
Cortez:
Cortez is singing "Kicked Out Of Heaven". dont worry, I'm sure they have a nice place for you in Hell. He sucks.
Charlie:
This Charlie kid seems like a bad character out of a David Lynch wannabe movie. He sucks.
Oy vey, he's crying now. Fishing for votes.
Nick:
This guy looks like a Hipster Observer from Fringe. He's singing "Iris" and it sucks.
Burnell:
This Burnell kid looks like a cross between Malcolm X and Steve Urkel. He sucks.
Paul:
This Paul guy is boring. And he's gay. Gay people are not supposed to be boring. Sucks.
Lazaro:
These interviews with Stuttering Bill are excruciating. Where's Pennywise when you need him? Oh yeah, (Lazaro) sucks.
Curtis:
I hate Curtis Finch Jr. Hate everything he represents. He doesn't just suck, he's a black hole for all things good.
Hate the fact the judges try to pass him off as the Jesus of singing competitions. This is #AmericanIdol not a church.
Devin:
This bland guy is singing half his song in Spanish. What a fantastic way to make me not vote for him.
Vincent:
This Vincent guy looks like Randy's younger brother. When he isn't squealing like a girl, he sounds generic.
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