"Divinity of hell! When devils will the blackest sins put on. They do suggest at first with heavenly shows." -Iago
William Shakespeare's Othello
"AMERICA'S CHOICE"
Carlito: In his video package, Carlito gave us some mighty tears
while talking about his troubled childhood. Yes, go after those sympathy
votes now that Rion is gone. He sang Justin Bieber's "Boyfriend." Yeah,
this made me sick. He thinks he's a sex symbol, but the only part of
sex he represents is jerking off.
#WishesHeHadABoyfriend
Restless Road: These 3 are lucky they were put together. Because
none of them could carry a song on their own. And all 3 are generic
sounding. Generic Country Singing Cubed. It's making a sandwich with two
peices of bread, and sticking another piece of bread in the middle. And
that's it.
#AllOverTheRoad
Alex & Sierra: They sang Of Monsters And Men's "Little Talks."
And by gum, this didn't suck like all of the other covers of this song I
have heard. These 2 are lucky they found each other, because unlike
Talentless Road, these 2 gel well together. I wish they would sing
"Home" by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
#PeanutButterAndJelly
Jeff: It has become law that all singing competition shows have at
least one performance of "Hallelujah." It was Jeff's honor (again) this
season. And even though this song makes me roll my eyes like no other,
Jeff manages to knock it out of the park. This guy is the winner folks,
and if he doesn't win, then this show deserves to die.
#HareKrishna
I am now joined by my friend Gweg.
DUETS
Alex & Sierra VS Carlito
Gweg: I don't think this versus round is fair. These guys have totally different styles.
Satyr: It's a competition Gweg. I think this is a good way for us to
hear how bad Carlito and Witless Road do against the only good people
this show had this year.
Gweg: I think Carlito did splendid. He held his own.
Satyr: Held his own genitals. He was bringing Alex and Sierra down.
Alex was trying to make Carlito look good, but Sierra was like , "F this
G" and her vocals straight up raped whatever sound that was coming out
of Carl's mouth.
Gweg: See, it isn't fair.
Restless Road VS Jeff
Satyr: I have to say, this wasn't the disaster I thought it would be.
Gweg: Restless Road did very well harmonizing their parts.
Satyr: Who cares? They sounded like backup singers. This song
belonged to Jeff. Jeff was like the oldest brother bringing a girl over
while his 3 younger brothers tried to get a peek.
Gweg: That's just wrong.
MORE SONGS
Carlito
Satyr: Hashtag: Put Me Out Of My Misery.
Gweg: This was a good song choice for him.
Satyr: Just because he sings a song that was previously done by
Latino singer doesn't mean it was a good song choice for him. And all of
that background nonsense. The dancers hiding in the speakers at the
end, only to see them climb out 30 seconds later. Beyond retarded. But,
when your mentor is mentally challenged...
Gweg: She's not mentally challenged, English is just her second language.
Satyr: That's basically what I said.
Restless Road
Gweg: I must say, they improved greatly this week.
Satyr: That's like saying "Good news, our SUVs keep flipping over on tight turns, but they no longer burst into flames!"
Gweg: Why do you always have to put a negative spin on things?
Satyr: I learned it by watching Restless Road covering songs.
Alex & Sierra
Gweg: This was beautiful
Satyr: Yeah, it was. They've had a few bumps, but I think they've finally found their footing.
Gweg: I would buy their album.
Satyr: We should sing Duets together.
Gweg: we would never find our footing, because you'd keep stepping on my toes.
Satyr: Ouch.
Jeff
Satyr: That set. That background. That song. Amazing performance. If
it wasn't for my rule of not dating people with kids, I think I'd go
gay for Jeff.
Gweg: How many guys is that now?
Satyr: You shut your whore mouth. Speaking of which, so glad Rion isn't on this show anymore.
Gweg: That was uncalled for! She's only 13! I can't believe you.
Satyr: You're right. I'm sorry. She isn't one. Whores can give decent hand jobs.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Review for X-Factor 12/4/13
"If you're going through hell, keep going."
-Winston Churchill
DIVAS SONGS
Restless Road: Sang some Taylor Swift song. I can't tell you what song it was though, since I can't understand singers when they mumble through the song. Especially when there are three of them doing it at the same time.
#KnewYouWereTerribleWhenYouWalkedIn
Rion: Miss "Not So Subtle Save Me Song" sang some Carrie Underwood song. Rion did a very good job...of looking like Carrie Underwood. However, the singing, not so much. The song contained the lyrics "Gone gone gone." Which is what Rion will hopefully be come Elimination Night.
#CantCarrieAnything
Jeff: He was given a "Mariah Carey" song to sing. Lucky for Jeff, it was actually Badfinger's "Without You." Once again, he proves that he is the best. he is driving a car while the rest of the singers are still crawling on the ground.
#AirSupplyDidTheBestCover
Ellona: Sang "Applause" by Lady GaGa. I must say, this performance really showed us that Ellona has a good future ahead of her...as a stripper. You know the second best thing about stippers? They don't sing.
#LiveForTheTips
Alex & Sierra: They get some of the strangest song choices. This week was "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child. This was a decent performance, but one can't help but notice that Sierra is on;y in this because she loves Alex so much. (Gag) But the thing is, he needs her, I don't think he'd be that good as a solo artist. Maybe he should trade up.
#LoveWontKeepusTogether
Carlito: This was an absolute mess. His worst performance yet. And that is pretty bad.
#MunudoMierda
UNPLUGGED
This part of the review, I will be joined by my long time friend Gweg.
Restless Road:
Gweg: I have to hand it to them, they sounded a lot better unplugged. They didn't try to be gimmicky as they have been in past performances.
Satyr: I don't care if crap is plugged in or not, it's still crap.
Gweg: You don't think they sounded better?
Satyr: They may have sounded better, but just because I've cleaned out the pool of all the crap but left the piss in there, it still doesn't mean I want to go for a swim.
Gweg: It was there best performance.
Satyr: That's like a retard getting an A on a test.
Gweg: You're an a--hole.
Rion:
Gweg: I have to admire her. She has so much courage to get up there and sing her heart out. If I had that kind of condition, I don't think I could do it.
Satyr: Trust me, you've got plenty of handicaps. What did you think about this performance?
Gweg: She poured her heart out during this performance. She is definitely at her best when she is sitting down.
Satyr: Yeah, she doesn't have to do that stupid leg stomping.
Gweg: She is just trying to compensate for the lack of hand movements.
Satyr: I got a hand movement for her, and it just involves me making a fist, holding it up, and extending my middle finger. Poured her heart out? More like milked her handicap for all that it's worth. All fo those people crying. Gag me with a spoon.
Gweg: How in the hell did you get to be so cynical?
Satyr: By watching too many of these singing competition shows.
Jeff:
Satyr: Well, I like this guy, but I think it's a little too convenient that he got to sing "Daniel" to his brother Daniel.
Gweg: Coincidences happen. And I think it was very nice. Very touching.
Satyr: Well, he was toned down, but it was still a good performance.
Gweg: I agree.
Satyr: That's a first.
Ellona:
Satyr: Come on Gweg, say something nice about this one.
Gweg: She got better at the end there.
Satyr: Yeah, right at the end, when the song was over.
Gweg: She wasn't that bad. She's got some work cut out for her, she just needs better guidance.
Satyr: The only guidance she'll need is how to climb up a pole and bend around it.
Gweg: She's not going to be a stripper. She has got a good camera presence. She could be on Glee.
Satyr: More like the porn parody of Glee. Glee All Over Your Face.
Gweg: I hate you.
Alex & Sierra
Gweg: They sounded great. I love this song. And she did a fine job playing the piano, despite the obvious nerves she had.
Satyr: The way she was shaking there, I thought Michael J Fox might have been her piano instructor.
Gweg: That's not funny. She was very nervous. But, she had her rock. Alex was there to keep her sated.
Satyr: Makes you jealous, doesn't it. You wish you had a girl that depended on you.
Gweg: Maybe I would have a girl, if you'd stop getting them killed.
Satyr: That's irrelevant. But yes, they did sound good.
Carlito:
Gweg: This was a wreck.
Satyr: Yeah, even Paul Walker would be amazed by how much of a wreck this was.
Gweg: If he manages to move on to the next round, I'll but us dinner tomorrow night.
Satyr: Nothing Mexican, that crap is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
-Winston Churchill
DIVAS SONGS
Restless Road: Sang some Taylor Swift song. I can't tell you what song it was though, since I can't understand singers when they mumble through the song. Especially when there are three of them doing it at the same time.
#KnewYouWereTerribleWhenYouWalkedIn
Rion: Miss "Not So Subtle Save Me Song" sang some Carrie Underwood song. Rion did a very good job...of looking like Carrie Underwood. However, the singing, not so much. The song contained the lyrics "Gone gone gone." Which is what Rion will hopefully be come Elimination Night.
#CantCarrieAnything
Jeff: He was given a "Mariah Carey" song to sing. Lucky for Jeff, it was actually Badfinger's "Without You." Once again, he proves that he is the best. he is driving a car while the rest of the singers are still crawling on the ground.
#AirSupplyDidTheBestCover
Ellona: Sang "Applause" by Lady GaGa. I must say, this performance really showed us that Ellona has a good future ahead of her...as a stripper. You know the second best thing about stippers? They don't sing.
#LiveForTheTips
Alex & Sierra: They get some of the strangest song choices. This week was "Say My Name" by Destiny's Child. This was a decent performance, but one can't help but notice that Sierra is on;y in this because she loves Alex so much. (Gag) But the thing is, he needs her, I don't think he'd be that good as a solo artist. Maybe he should trade up.
#LoveWontKeepusTogether
Carlito: This was an absolute mess. His worst performance yet. And that is pretty bad.
#MunudoMierda
UNPLUGGED
This part of the review, I will be joined by my long time friend Gweg.
Restless Road:
Gweg: I have to hand it to them, they sounded a lot better unplugged. They didn't try to be gimmicky as they have been in past performances.
Satyr: I don't care if crap is plugged in or not, it's still crap.
Gweg: You don't think they sounded better?
Satyr: They may have sounded better, but just because I've cleaned out the pool of all the crap but left the piss in there, it still doesn't mean I want to go for a swim.
Gweg: It was there best performance.
Satyr: That's like a retard getting an A on a test.
Gweg: You're an a--hole.
Rion:
Gweg: I have to admire her. She has so much courage to get up there and sing her heart out. If I had that kind of condition, I don't think I could do it.
Satyr: Trust me, you've got plenty of handicaps. What did you think about this performance?
Gweg: She poured her heart out during this performance. She is definitely at her best when she is sitting down.
Satyr: Yeah, she doesn't have to do that stupid leg stomping.
Gweg: She is just trying to compensate for the lack of hand movements.
Satyr: I got a hand movement for her, and it just involves me making a fist, holding it up, and extending my middle finger. Poured her heart out? More like milked her handicap for all that it's worth. All fo those people crying. Gag me with a spoon.
Gweg: How in the hell did you get to be so cynical?
Satyr: By watching too many of these singing competition shows.
Jeff:
Satyr: Well, I like this guy, but I think it's a little too convenient that he got to sing "Daniel" to his brother Daniel.
Gweg: Coincidences happen. And I think it was very nice. Very touching.
Satyr: Well, he was toned down, but it was still a good performance.
Gweg: I agree.
Satyr: That's a first.
Ellona:
Satyr: Come on Gweg, say something nice about this one.
Gweg: She got better at the end there.
Satyr: Yeah, right at the end, when the song was over.
Gweg: She wasn't that bad. She's got some work cut out for her, she just needs better guidance.
Satyr: The only guidance she'll need is how to climb up a pole and bend around it.
Gweg: She's not going to be a stripper. She has got a good camera presence. She could be on Glee.
Satyr: More like the porn parody of Glee. Glee All Over Your Face.
Gweg: I hate you.
Alex & Sierra
Gweg: They sounded great. I love this song. And she did a fine job playing the piano, despite the obvious nerves she had.
Satyr: The way she was shaking there, I thought Michael J Fox might have been her piano instructor.
Gweg: That's not funny. She was very nervous. But, she had her rock. Alex was there to keep her sated.
Satyr: Makes you jealous, doesn't it. You wish you had a girl that depended on you.
Gweg: Maybe I would have a girl, if you'd stop getting them killed.
Satyr: That's irrelevant. But yes, they did sound good.
Carlito:
Gweg: This was a wreck.
Satyr: Yeah, even Paul Walker would be amazed by how much of a wreck this was.
Gweg: If he manages to move on to the next round, I'll but us dinner tomorrow night.
Satyr: Nothing Mexican, that crap is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.
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