Thursday, May 9, 2013
Done with American Idol reviews.
Angie's elimination was the final nail in the coffin for this show. Fuck you American Idol.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Review for American Idol Top 3 5/8/13
Nicki has more wigs than Mrs. Slocombe from "Are You Being Served?"
JIMMY'S PICKS
Kree: She sang P!nk's "Perfect." This performance was anything but. Kree, should think you are less than perfect, cause you are f'ing boring to me.
Candice: She sang U2's "One." Actually she sang the Mary J Blige cover. But here's the truth: U2 is one of the best bands the world has ever seen. It is a sacrilege for one of their songs to be spout out of the mouth of this foul creature.
Angie: Sang Elton John's "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word."It's fitting that her name is Angela, cause she was downright angelic during this performance. We don't need a finale, crown Angie as the champ right now.
JUDGE'S PICKS + Home Town Welcome
Candice: Her home town visit was predictably cliched. However, in an ironic twist, we got to see Candice ride a moped. She visited her poor, huge family, went to her church, and pretended like the town was at her concert to see her, instead of the free hot dogs.
Speaking of predictable, she sang like crap.
Angie: She got the hometown welcome she deserved. She went back to Massachusetts, and Angie was the beacon of light that a place recently touched by such terrible darkness desperately needed. She may not be the singer Boston deserves, but she is the one it needs right now.
She sang P!nk's "Try." Do or do not, there is no try.And Angie did it. She nailed this one. Call NASA, there is a star being born right before our eyes.
Kree: Before her video package, Ryan tried to interview her. Kree's voice is so bad, that when she began to talk, her mic screamed out in protest. They really tried to play up the emotional factor with her home visit. Kree is an orphan, but you could tell she didn't care at all that her parents were dead. Just as long as she could exploit it. And exploit it she did.
I didn't know the song the judges picked for her, but I know this: this performance opened up new levels of hatred I didn't know I had within me. If I was eating some McDonald's and I saw Kree crawling out of a house yelling out "Help me!", I would push her back inside.
PRODUCER'S PICKS
The showed this season's eliminated Top Ten members. Paul Jolley injured his hand jerking off Lazaro.
Angie: She's the best. Period. Definitely one of the top 5 Idols of all time.
Kree: When I was 8 years old, I once went over to a friends house. His father was feeding some tree limbs into a wood chipper. We were playing with my friend's dog, throwing a Frisbee around. My friend threw it and a gust of wind caught it, blowing towards his father. The dog took chase and ran into the father. He stumbled and his arm went into the wood chipper. He manged to stop it and pulled out what was left of his arm. It was a bloody, torn up mess. You could barely see the bone through the ragged flesh and cloth. But that's not what was horrifying to me. What has stayed with me all these years was the screams. The father's screams. My friends screams. My screams. Those screams haunt my dreams and have me waking up in a cold sweat.
But, compared to Kree's singing, those screams are music to my ears.
Candice: Wow, this song really proved something: Candice is going home tomorrow.
JIMMY'S PICKS
Kree: She sang P!nk's "Perfect." This performance was anything but. Kree, should think you are less than perfect, cause you are f'ing boring to me.
Candice: She sang U2's "One." Actually she sang the Mary J Blige cover. But here's the truth: U2 is one of the best bands the world has ever seen. It is a sacrilege for one of their songs to be spout out of the mouth of this foul creature.
Angie: Sang Elton John's "Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word."It's fitting that her name is Angela, cause she was downright angelic during this performance. We don't need a finale, crown Angie as the champ right now.
JUDGE'S PICKS + Home Town Welcome
Candice: Her home town visit was predictably cliched. However, in an ironic twist, we got to see Candice ride a moped. She visited her poor, huge family, went to her church, and pretended like the town was at her concert to see her, instead of the free hot dogs.
Speaking of predictable, she sang like crap.
Angie: She got the hometown welcome she deserved. She went back to Massachusetts, and Angie was the beacon of light that a place recently touched by such terrible darkness desperately needed. She may not be the singer Boston deserves, but she is the one it needs right now.
She sang P!nk's "Try." Do or do not, there is no try.And Angie did it. She nailed this one. Call NASA, there is a star being born right before our eyes.
Kree: Before her video package, Ryan tried to interview her. Kree's voice is so bad, that when she began to talk, her mic screamed out in protest. They really tried to play up the emotional factor with her home visit. Kree is an orphan, but you could tell she didn't care at all that her parents were dead. Just as long as she could exploit it. And exploit it she did.
I didn't know the song the judges picked for her, but I know this: this performance opened up new levels of hatred I didn't know I had within me. If I was eating some McDonald's and I saw Kree crawling out of a house yelling out "Help me!", I would push her back inside.
PRODUCER'S PICKS
The showed this season's eliminated Top Ten members. Paul Jolley injured his hand jerking off Lazaro.
Angie: She's the best. Period. Definitely one of the top 5 Idols of all time.
Kree: When I was 8 years old, I once went over to a friends house. His father was feeding some tree limbs into a wood chipper. We were playing with my friend's dog, throwing a Frisbee around. My friend threw it and a gust of wind caught it, blowing towards his father. The dog took chase and ran into the father. He stumbled and his arm went into the wood chipper. He manged to stop it and pulled out what was left of his arm. It was a bloody, torn up mess. You could barely see the bone through the ragged flesh and cloth. But that's not what was horrifying to me. What has stayed with me all these years was the screams. The father's screams. My friends screams. My screams. Those screams haunt my dreams and have me waking up in a cold sweat.
But, compared to Kree's singing, those screams are music to my ears.
Candice: Wow, this song really proved something: Candice is going home tomorrow.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Review for American Idol Top 4 Deja Vu 5/1/13
Nicki came out trying to look like Cleopatra. I
think it worked. I definitely wanted to bury her in a tomb under 100
tons of rock.
Harry Connick Jr. is mentoring again. Good, he was one of my favorites.
Songs from the Year: This One (and last year too, I guess)
Angie: She sang "Diamonds" by Rihanna. I hate this song. However, Angie did to this song what Chris Brown does to Rihanna, she hit it out of the park. Angie made it sound like a decent song, instead of some ghetto grunting. Angie just keeps on looking better every episode.
Amber: Sang P!nk's "Just Give Me A Reason." I wish Amber gave me a reason, a reason to enjoy this performance. If anyone claims Amber is "the bomb", they must mean one from North Korea, cause Amber is a dud.
Candice: Speaking of Deja Vu, she sang Bruno Mars' "I Used To Be A Man." or something like that. Doesn't matter what it was, cause every song she sings sounds exactly the same.
Kree: Sang Carrie Underwood's newest single. She was singing in front of the Eye of Sauron, which made me wish Frodo would come along and drop her into Mount Doom.
The "Standards"
Angie: This song was weird, but Angie sang it like a champ. My god in Hell, she is gorgeous. I'd watch the whole Twilight series for just one night with her.
Amber: Harry made Amber look like a total retard when asking her what the song meant. It was great. After her terrible performance was over, the camera caught her father out in the audience. He was crying, cause she disappointed him so much. Seeing this gave me a great name for Amber's performances: An Ambortion.
Candice: Harry told her to just the sing the song, like a normal singer would. She got about halfway through the song until she went back to her old tricks.
Kree: "Knock! Knock!" "Who's there?" "Kree." "Kree who?" "Exactly"
They did some group performance which was ho-hum. But Amber was wearing the great jeans and there were two incredibly hot redheads out there dancing with them.
Gawd, I love redheads.
Harry Connick Jr. is mentoring again. Good, he was one of my favorites.
Songs from the Year: This One (and last year too, I guess)
Angie: She sang "Diamonds" by Rihanna. I hate this song. However, Angie did to this song what Chris Brown does to Rihanna, she hit it out of the park. Angie made it sound like a decent song, instead of some ghetto grunting. Angie just keeps on looking better every episode.
Amber: Sang P!nk's "Just Give Me A Reason." I wish Amber gave me a reason, a reason to enjoy this performance. If anyone claims Amber is "the bomb", they must mean one from North Korea, cause Amber is a dud.
Candice: Speaking of Deja Vu, she sang Bruno Mars' "I Used To Be A Man." or something like that. Doesn't matter what it was, cause every song she sings sounds exactly the same.
Kree: Sang Carrie Underwood's newest single. She was singing in front of the Eye of Sauron, which made me wish Frodo would come along and drop her into Mount Doom.
The "Standards"
Angie: This song was weird, but Angie sang it like a champ. My god in Hell, she is gorgeous. I'd watch the whole Twilight series for just one night with her.
Amber: Harry made Amber look like a total retard when asking her what the song meant. It was great. After her terrible performance was over, the camera caught her father out in the audience. He was crying, cause she disappointed him so much. Seeing this gave me a great name for Amber's performances: An Ambortion.
Candice: Harry told her to just the sing the song, like a normal singer would. She got about halfway through the song until she went back to her old tricks.
Kree: "Knock! Knock!" "Who's there?" "Kree." "Kree who?" "Exactly"
They did some group performance which was ho-hum. But Amber was wearing the great jeans and there were two incredibly hot redheads out there dancing with them.
Gawd, I love redheads.
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