I normally don't review auditions or Hollywood Week, but these have been so bad, I can't help myself.
SAN ANTONIO AUDITIONS
Nicki is wearing her Daenerys Targarian wig. I'm hoping she steps into a funeral pyre, but doesn't come back out.
First up is some returning black dude wearing ugly ass hipster
glasses. Claims he loves Mariah, but he seemed for focused on Randy
swallowing. His audition sucked. He got through.
Next up were two brothers. And you can tell they weren't lying about
that, cause they equally sucked. One of them looked like a retarded
Justin Long. Well, Justin Long is already retarded, so let's say he
looked like Justin with actual Down Syndrome. They got rejected.
A stripper came out next. She never claimed to be a stripper, but
the signs were there. 1: She dressed like a slut. 2: Her name was
Savannah. 3: She had a kid at the age of 19. She sucked, so they sent
her to Hollywood.
Next, an ugly ass emo chick auditioned horribly. The judges gave her
another reason to cut herself. Right after her was Crytabell, a
religious black chick with 3 kids. Her hair was stupid. Cut short on the
sides with the top styled to look ocean waves. Her audition was a
wipeout, but they sent her through to the next round anyway.
Next up was one of these stupid "nominated" contestants. Her name
was Ann and she was actual very good. Very attractive to. Her husband
was the one who nominated her, but I think he will be hoisted on his own
petard, cause once she gets a taste of Hollywood, she'll be dumping his
sorry ass in a second.
Next was some Selena wannabe named Victoria. She sang "Big Girls
Don't Cry" by Fergie. Well, if big girls sang like this chick, they
should cry. She looks like a Spanish Nicki Minaj. Ugh. She got through.
Speaking of Nicki, she now looks like the conductor of the Ho! Train!
Papa Peaches came out to audition. This guy was gayer than John
Travolta at an all male massage parlor. Last year, a dog got ran over on
the street in front of my house. As died, it let out these terrible
howls of pain. That was more pleasant to listen to than this guy. Nicki
likes it when people sound so bad they make her sound better, so she
pleaded for this son of a peach to get through. He did. Joy.
A black Justin Bieber was out next. Until they identified him as a
boy, I had no idea if it was male or female.. In what was a big
surprise, he sang a Michael Jackson song. He sucked. He's going to
Hollywood.
The next Ricky Martin auditioned last. Now, he's doesn;t sound like Ricky, but he is a gay Latino. He sucked. He got through.
QUEEN MARY AUDITIONS
Only Keith and Randy were out to judge at the beginning. The show just got better.
Medula Shedula came out first. She sounded OK. She got through.
Mariah showed up late, right after her cleavage arrived first though.
Some guy with AIDS came out next. He was told to audition by some
guy in the bathroom. Probably were he got the AIDS. Hell, just listening
to this guy sing gave me hearing AIDS. Rejected.
Some soldier who got blown up, then given medication that made him
gay and sterile, yet somehow had a daughter with his wife who totally
did not cheat on him, auditioned next. He wasn't that bad. He got
through.
Next up, some chick from a band named "You Only Live Once" came out
and literally screamed out "Set Fire To The Rain." This was the Greatest
Audition Ever.
Nicki is back and looks downright beautiful.
That was a lie. She is ugly as hell,
Some chick dressed up as a slutty boat captain came out and sang so
bad that she set off the alarms on the boat. She got through.
Thum duth width ah speedth impedimeth came out and started singing normally. His sob story got him through to Hollywood.
A Southern cutie came out and sounded great. Can't wait to see her in Hollywood.
Some girl who got bullied for being on the Maury Povich Show (and
rightfully so) came out and shared her sob story to get a ticket to
Hollywood.
Johnathan from Buffy The Vampire Slayer came out next. His sob story
is the fact that he's short. He got a ticket to Hollywood, but Ryan
Seacrest held it over his head, and made the tiny guy jump for it.
Just because Ryan was glad there was somebody finally shorter than him.
